theuncertainty

I just need to write this out:

Met with the AH today. Initially was undecided about where I really wanted our relationship to go. I feel incredibly naive and stupid as I write that. Such a stupid thought after everything I've put up with. Why would I even have considered staying with him-going back-taking him back? Why do I still feel sad about the thought of ending our marriage - even when I KNOW I would be ending something that was done long ago?

I walked out 2 years ago, taking our young son with me, when the drinking, lying, stealing, pity-parties, anger, hiding in the bedroom while he drank and passed out on the couch, etc. got to be too much. The final straw that got me to leave was finding a picture my son took of the dog with my digital camera: the dog was standing in the bathroom in front of the tub, AH was half in and half out of the tub and from the expression on his face, should have been passed out about 2 hours before the picture was taken. I could not let that be the 'dad' my son saw every day, because that's where it was heading.

I've started the paperwork; I've played with the visitation schedule; however, I've not been seriously ready for the big D word until today.

Today, I asked AH what he felt about our son? He's amazing - I agree! Our family? Not sure about it, but needs to get his thinking cleared up - OK, honest answer, I can deal with that. Us? Not sure about that either - OK another honest answer, I can deal with that because I certainly did NOT want to jump right back into a relationship with him.

His next statement is the kicker: "Every one keeps telling me I was sick, but I don't know." He admitted he's not going to do his aftercare program because they were rude to him.

If he still doesn't know whether he was sick, then he still isn't acknowledging that he is an alcoholic. If he's still denying that, he is definitely NOT working his recovery.

My first 2 thoughts as I listened to him whine were: I so do not want to deal with his drinking any more and I do not want to deal with his *^&* any more. Then as I thought that, it finally sunk in: I don't have to.

We've already drug ourselves through a bankruptcy; he drug our marriage vows through the muck when he moved in with his new codependent alcoholic GF; he refuses to see what effect that last has on our son. What the h**l am I trying holding onto? and WHY?

F*** him. I'm done. No more.

...................

I just hope for the strength to keep all this in mind as I actually finish the paperwork, talk with a lawyer, talk with my young son and our families.....

How can I be so mad and disgusted with him and still sad?

suki44883

You're sad because the ideal you dreamed of when you married him turned out to be a nightmare. It's always sad when a marriage ends, even if it needs to end. You have a beautiful, amazing son that needs your attention and at least one sane parent. It sounds like your husband is still in denial that he is an alcoholic, and it might take a long time for him to come to realize it. You made the right move to separate a couple of years ago. It doesn't look like anything is going to change. You and your son deserve better.

SoloMio

I love it! Yes, you had an amazing insight there. Great that you are asking why you are sad... feel the feeling, examine the feeling, and then transform the feeling--take care of yourself. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, treat the sadness like a little child. Be gentle with it. And don't believe that just because you're sad you're not doing the right thing.

theuncertainty

I was so mad Saturday. I'm still astounded at the power that I let that one statement from him about not knowing whether or not he 'was sick' have.

Yes, I firmly believe he's still in denial about being an alcoholic. He had also started talking about how his problem was always the hard stuff (vodka mainly) and not beer. This statement confirms for me that he's looking for an excuse to be able to drink - like in his mind beer is OK, he just can't drink vodka any more. Which is a complete lie - there were MANY days when the living room was littered with empty/mostly empty/tipped over beer bottles that I'd have to clean up to keep out of a crawling baby's reach while AH passed out on the couch.

And now I'm angry again - at AH, at myself for putting up with that for so long - for not leaving sooner to protect my son. Deep breath... I'm gone now, been gone 2+ years. My son is safe, amazing, sweet and in a home full of love. A few more deep breaths...


After my post Saturday, I went to the storage unit, pulled out my wedding dress - cried that I still found it gorgeous, elegant, full of hope - took out the scissors and shredded it. That was incredibly cathartic. I'll keep the photos, but only because my son might want to see them when he's older.

I'm still mad, but I can see straight again. I've signed up for a family law clinic for information on filing for a divorce and dealing with custody issues. I'm still sad that it's come to this, but I'm moving forward. I'm thinking about taking my old last name back and giving it to my son..... We'll see. That's still a fledgling thought.