SoloMio

A little weekend levity. This is my favorite, and true, story of how I learned I was severely codependent.

It was 1987--I had just recently started Al-Anon, and my AH had come around and decided to go to rehab. He chose one that's about an hour and half from our hometown. I had 4 young children at the time.

The morning I was to drive him to the rehab I ran around feeding and dressing the kids. Then I got them in the car and drove them to their caregivers/school/preschool so I could drive him up there alone. In all that haste, I had just thrown on old dirty clothes from the day before. As he was packing he told me he needed a brush. We only had one. I hadn't combed my own hair yet, but I ran in the bathroom and grabbed the brush and put it in his suitcase. He told me he needed his white shirt ironed.. I ran downstairs and starched and ironed his shirt. I steamed his blazer. I folded the stuff in the dryer that was to be packed.

Then we went on our journey. When we got there, he asked me to go in with him, so of course, I did. We wandered in, not sure where to go next. Finding a nurses station, we said, "We're here to check in." There we were, him standing tall like a peacock, dapper in his fresh pressed shirt and jacket; me, with my old sweats on and my uncombed hair. We gave the nurse our last name. At that, she came around the nurse's station, walked up to me, put her arm around me and said, "Don't worry dear, we'll take good care of you here."

And I thought HE was the sick one!

lulu1974

This is a truly great story. Thanks so much for sharing and I truly mean that..

Hammerhead

Priceless... truly priceless!!!

Spiritual Seeker

Luckily you appear to have recovered.

sesh

LOL. This is indeed priceless.
Great lesson. Thanks.
It made me think of something. they say, from the old days there were two definitions of funny, one by Aristotelis and the other by Plato.
Aristotelis defines funny as somethings that comes from things we don't relate to, so we laugh at someone/something because we know better.
Plato thinks otherwise. To him funny is not just superficial observation of someone/something not being able to do better, but something we can relate to, and appreciate in life's fullness (with the whole background story which has all the reasons for this equally sad and funny event to occur) and yet be able to laugh at it, but with a different kind of laughter: the one that is sypmathetic and we learn from. This type of funny was a cognition value.
I believe modern world values to be based on Aristotelis understanding of funny, which leads to people being allionated from each other and also from their spiritaul selfs...
Uhmmm, I'm gettin a bit philosophical here on you guys... sorry...
Just wanted to say: you really made laugh with your story and also you gave a great gift with it, as it taught me something really important

WakeUp

Awesome story, thanks for sharing.

tigger11

Wow! Excellent story, and well told!

What happened after that, Solomio? That happened in 1987... where are you today?

SoloMio

Well, after that, the rehab for him "stuck" for about a year. I continued going to Al-Anon for a few years, which was great. When I started traveling for work, I just didn't have as much time to go, but at the same time, after about 10 more years of drinking, he just stopped on his birthday in 1999. His sobriety was a wonderful gift to the family because the kids were moving into their teen years, and he worked from home so he was a great Dad for them, especially since my job took me on the road 25% of the time.

I have to admit, when he fell off the wagon 6 years ago, it threw me for a real loop, because I said I would never go back to the old days, and I now knew how wonderful and stable a non-alcoholic family life could be. But instead, I went to therapy and developed my spirituality through readings such as Ekhart Tolle and other mindfulness gurus like Thich Nhat Hanh. Unfortunately, I only went to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, but my recent discovery of this site is inspiring me to go back.

TODAY, I love my life and I'm really at peace in spite of his drinking. I'm very blessed. While I made some REALLY STUPID codependent decisions at some points along the last 6 years (like cosigning a business loan for him for 80k which he now cannot pay), I accept those decisions as my responsibility. Am I 100% committed to this relationship? I'm not sure. I'm sad watching the choices he's making. I have to constantly be vigilant as to my own feelings and how they swing my "peace pendulum" at times. I have to detach, but lately I do find that detachment is easier with practice. I have this image of myself when he's acting out or being stupid--and that image is me as a translucent entity where his words just float through me and don't get snagged in my prior hot buttons. All the readings I've done about getting to the point of "no-self" are so key. Once you relinquish your self, there's no self, no ego, to be quick to react.

Yet I'm still very much on the journey, with a long way to go. But I think at least I'm finally on the right road!!

Thanks for asking.

PS. Also, I now have two hairbrushes.

tigger11

That's Part II to an amazing story... thanks SoloMio for sharing it! You've definitely made lemonade out of lemons! I admire your strength and courage! Keep on being wonderful! And woohoo on the two hairbrushes!

Learn2Live

I'm so sorry he relapsed SoloMio. You are both in my prayers. I hope he gets sober again soon.

lulu1974

I am so amazed at your story. It makes me want to recover that much more..

Spiritual Seeker

One of the many great things about al-anon is that we welcome repeat business and the price of admission is always affordable.

You are on the path, that is what counts.
Today You are right where you should be.
Why ? Because that is where you are. We are the ones who create sadness for ourselves when we argue w/ reality.
Detachment may or may not lead you in another direction.

Please continue to share your story, strength, humor & wisdom.