chrprog

Quick story, and I'm sure one that has been posted on this board many, many, times... My wife of 11 years became addicted to pills of just about any kind 10 years ago. She went to treatment and I thought all was fine. Now, after her second DUI (non-specific) in 4 months, I have discovered that she never really stopped doing the pills at all. Doctor shopping, so many pharmacies visited over the last several years, made up illnesses, etc. I guess I always new something was not quite right, but any mention of the possibility was shot down vehemently by her. It was easier just to let it go and for that I feel guilt.

Now, she is in a 30 day treatment program which is to be followed by a year long IOP program and then a continuing care program. She knows this is it for me. Get better or I am gone and so are the kids. My question is this...

Can I ever trust her again? 10 years, 10 YEARS of LIE, after LIE, after LIE. 10 YEARS of crisis after crisis which included 4 arrests and trials, one for forging perscriptiions. Mood swings that would take your head off. Getting to the point where I dreaded coming home and maybe a borderline alcholic now myself.

Everything I read and hear says to lend support to the recovery process, show them how much you love them, blah, blah, blah. I do love her still, but I cannot get past the anger issue. I have dealt with this crap for too long and I don't know if I can forgive and forget if she truly does get sober.

Does anyone have any advice??? Can this marriage be saved? The toll on my kids is already high, but divorce would be better than continuing on in the way we had been going. EVERY time before I have been supportive, but this time, I just don't know. Any help would be appreciated.

LT55

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a husband of 22 years that is addicted to pills again. It's the deception and zero honesty on his part that is hard to deal with. This isn't normal and I don't know what to do any more. My heart goes out to you.

reifnir

As a fellow husband to a pain pill addict (now in recovery), I can only suggest that you try out some local Nar-Anon meetings. Different meetings are run differently so if you don't find one you like, then please don't be discouraged and try some other ones.

If there aren't enough Nar-Anon meetings in your area, going to Al-Anon is always an option. You're also more likely to find other spouses-of-addicts there. Nar-Anon groups that I've been to are more highly populated by parents-of-addicts.

My marriage is not dissimilar from yours. We were together for 5 years and have 2 kids but the good times ended about 6 months into it. I didn't know if there was really anything between us to fix when my wife finished rehab. Ultimately, I decided to throw out those bad experiences and try to just start over with her (even went on a second first-date). The resentment, betrayal and anger are difficult to work through and impossible if you're feeling isolated. I thought the meetings would be a waste of time, but the really help if you keep an open mind (and this is coming from an atheist starting to work the 12 steps).

Good luck mate, only you know if your marriage is worth saving. I hope it works out for you.

-Jim

chrprog

I certainly appreciate the input you have provided. However, what is the difference between Narcanon and Nar-anon? (I hope I have that right.) Can't sleep tonight, this is weighing on my SOUL.

ThatLittleGirl

Wow, I could have written your message...except I'm the wife of a pill addict. We've been together for 10.5 years, married for 8. I am now positive all those years contained active drug use at some level. My husband has been through two IOP's; I supported him completely while he finished a 2nd master's degree...to give him time to get sober, to have a story to cover the time lapse for resume' purposes (can you say major co-dependent?) and to re-tool him so-to-speak. Each and every time I thought this is the last time...up until March of this year, I believed this disease could be eradicated and one day we would move on as a family. When I joined this forum, my eyes were opened; there are many stickys at the top of the forum I have found invaluable. I would definitely recommend a support group (i.e. NarAnon, AlAnon, etc...) in addition to reading the posts and stickys in this forum. The people here are great listeners and great supporters. I found my center exploring this forum and its many different topics. I think that is fundamental...take a step back and become centered; understanding the situation as it truly is...not from a position of denial or a position of exaggerating the reality. I think once a person can detach from the chaos of active addiction...they start a process of becoming healthy...it's from that position of healthiness that all other questions can be answered...such as your marriage, your children, etc...that is what has worked for me.

Please email me anytime if you have any questions.

Christen

Sorry to hear about your situation. My husband is addicted to pills also. We have been married 2 years. The questions that you asked can only be answered by you. You need time, & a lot of soul searching. Every marriage is different.

I think people like us who have addict spouses have "really bad emotional days". And with time (10 years of addiction) I am learning to react differently, & control my feelings. I am learning to detach enough to still love him as my husband, but not let his addiction affect my well being. You must look deep inside & decide once & for all what you are willing to do & what you are not willing to do to save your marriage in the midst of addiction.

That's the best advice I have for you. Best wishes.

Christen

outtolunch

You have the choice to read and listen to something else.
Love cannot cure addiction. If it could, absolutely none of us would be here, now would we?

Most of us arrive here, thinking and believing it's our job to support and love, no matter what. Most of us arrive here with our own serious codependency issues.

We get caught up in the buzz of saving someone else from themselves. Only person we can control is ourselves and yet we do not often focus on that part when we are consumed with saving someone else.

coffeedrinker

you have every reason to doubt. you may not be able to fully trust her again, but you may enter a new and wonderful phase of your life together. projecting is probably not helpful.

when my ex-husband got out of treatment, we both had a new lease on life. i wiped the slate clean. you may not be able to do that. but, there is a balance. you love her and want the best for her and your family, and wish to support her in her recovery, but that doesn't mean that you sacrifice your own well-being and healing. you can do both. if she's in an in-patient program, there will likely be an opportunity for you to participate in that. the five days i spent at mine (husband's) was immeasurably helpful. it opened doors for me that changed my life.

unfortunately, he did not stay sober. even when he was not drinking, he was not doing what he needed to. we divorced, but that door that i walked through gave me knowledge and tools that i have tried to build on, and has enabled me to change myself, and my life.

one step at a time. keep coming here.