AD, 2 kids, CPS & Court, Words of Wisdom Appreciated
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
AD, 2 kids, CPS & Court, Words of Wisdom Appreciated
My 28 yo daughter is a single mom of 2 girls (ages 8 and 9). She was married to an alcoholic, but he left the picture when the youngest was 6 mos. old, terminated his parental rights, neither he nor his mother (a major enabler with bipolar disorder) have seen the children since, no child support, nothing. She is also a licensed hairdresser and LPN. In any event, about 3 years ago, my daughter was arrested for being in a car with a guy who was high on crack and a crack pipe was in the car. Since she had never been in trouble before, they dismissed her case acod, so if she didn't get in trouble for 6 mos. it was dropped. She claimed she had "no idea". Ok, that could be possible. She never did make wise decisions in her life.
Two years ago, she was making french fries, and was badly burned in a fire, had 2nd degre burns on her chest and face. They gave her painkillers, vicodin. She has been taking them since. I know for a fact that she goes to numerous drs to get her scripts, always claiming she fell, hurt her foot, needs tooth surgery, etc. Nobody can be that clumsy, I swear she used to trip just to get her pills, but I have no proof on that. Last year she was arrested for driving with a suspended license. She was using her boyfriend's car (they have since broke up). In any event, she was on her way home from the hospital, she used MY name and on the paperwork it said she needs to stop using benzos and cocaine. Her boyfriend showed me the paperwork. After I confronted her, she said she had a problem w/Xanax and doesn't know where they got the "cocaine" from. She forgot to get her kids off the school bus cause she was high on Xanax the next day. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum, get help or I take her kids. She went to a holding facility for 2 weeks, I had her kids, she came out, went to outpatient, and seemed to be ok for a while.
The first day of school this year, she again was high on Xanax, never got her kids off the bus. The school called me, I left my job early to get them, and then kept them with me. Thank God my granddaughter talked to the school and told them how her mom gets "out of it" and the school called cps. I have had her kids since, not "legally", but temporarily cause cps is investigating and has a family court action pending against her for neglect.
My daughter got her kids back briefly in December/January and they lived with a family friend (I forgot to mention she has been unemployed for 3 years, and is homeless now cause she never pays rent where she is, yet she collects unemployment, but manages to always get evicted). Within 3 weeks, she was back taking her Xanax and had an argument w/the friend, police were involved, police called me to get my grandkids, cps still had supervision over the case, so they placed them back with me, at which time I was still leaving work early to get them from school, etc. I have since managed to obtain busing for them. I have prevented her from contacting the girls while she appeared under the influence to me, and went to family court hearings to try to deter her from seeing the kids. The case kept getting adjourned, and when I voiced my concerns to cps, the worker told me that she is the mother/legal guardian, and if she wanted to come take the kids, I had to let her provided she wasn't under the influence. That concerned me because what if she wasn't when she got them, then did drugs while she had them. Again, cps said she had legal custody, nothing I can do. So, I petitioned the court for legal custody, which again, keeps getting adjourned.
My daughter was in a halfway house in a seedy area of town, but managed to get herself kicked out of there for "seeing her own pastor" as she puts it (I highly doubt it). Then she stayed w/her ex and his mother for about 3 weeks, till they put her out of there saying she was high all the time. Then she went to a sober house, where she stayed for about 2 1/2 weeks, till she tested positive for opiates. They put her out, then she rented a room down the block from that house, and suddenly now, she is "inpatient". I have come to find out from cps that every week she has been testing positive for either opiates or cocaine! Even though she was attending IOP and she goes to treatment court at family court, she continued to use!!!! There is now an order of supervised visitation, supervised only by me, in place.
During our last family court case last week, the law guardian told me that my granddaughters are in jeopardy of going into foster care due to the fact that I "am not cooperating" with the school, I have not returned phone calls to teachers, nor signed an IEP for my youngest granddaughter. I am not allowed by law to sign those things!!! I am not legal guardian!!!! My daughter was taking it upon herself to call the teachers, etc., and making plans which I was not aware of. When I raised my concerns about this to cps, they told me there is nothing they can do!!!!! I am going for legal custody, but it keeps getting adjourned week after week, as my daughter keeps throwing curve balls in there along the way, I am missing time off from work, and need this to be over with. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I just don't know what's going to happen to my two little girls.
This appears to just drag on and on. If I got legal custody, at the end of this school year, I could put them in my school district, obtain after school daycare, I need to get them in summer camp, etc. All of this cannot be done if I am not legal guardian! Further, now that she is "inpatient", she wants me and the kids to come see her on visiting day. While I do not "hate" my daughter, and I try not to harbor resentment and bitterness toward her, I really feel that any mother who continues to use despite the fact that her own children could possibly be placed in foster care, shows utter disregard for them, and should not even be "considered" a mother! I need to get passed that. It's almost as if she wants the "title" of mother, yet doesn't want to do any of the work that being a mother entails, no. 1 being, REMAIN CLEAN AND SOBER for your children!!!!
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated, and also, this afternoon is yet another court date, which will probably be adjourned again since the mother is now in rehab and not able to attend, but prayers would really help also. Thanks.
Two years ago, she was making french fries, and was badly burned in a fire, had 2nd degre burns on her chest and face. They gave her painkillers, vicodin. She has been taking them since. I know for a fact that she goes to numerous drs to get her scripts, always claiming she fell, hurt her foot, needs tooth surgery, etc. Nobody can be that clumsy, I swear she used to trip just to get her pills, but I have no proof on that. Last year she was arrested for driving with a suspended license. She was using her boyfriend's car (they have since broke up). In any event, she was on her way home from the hospital, she used MY name and on the paperwork it said she needs to stop using benzos and cocaine. Her boyfriend showed me the paperwork. After I confronted her, she said she had a problem w/Xanax and doesn't know where they got the "cocaine" from. She forgot to get her kids off the school bus cause she was high on Xanax the next day. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum, get help or I take her kids. She went to a holding facility for 2 weeks, I had her kids, she came out, went to outpatient, and seemed to be ok for a while.
The first day of school this year, she again was high on Xanax, never got her kids off the bus. The school called me, I left my job early to get them, and then kept them with me. Thank God my granddaughter talked to the school and told them how her mom gets "out of it" and the school called cps. I have had her kids since, not "legally", but temporarily cause cps is investigating and has a family court action pending against her for neglect.
My daughter got her kids back briefly in December/January and they lived with a family friend (I forgot to mention she has been unemployed for 3 years, and is homeless now cause she never pays rent where she is, yet she collects unemployment, but manages to always get evicted). Within 3 weeks, she was back taking her Xanax and had an argument w/the friend, police were involved, police called me to get my grandkids, cps still had supervision over the case, so they placed them back with me, at which time I was still leaving work early to get them from school, etc. I have since managed to obtain busing for them. I have prevented her from contacting the girls while she appeared under the influence to me, and went to family court hearings to try to deter her from seeing the kids. The case kept getting adjourned, and when I voiced my concerns to cps, the worker told me that she is the mother/legal guardian, and if she wanted to come take the kids, I had to let her provided she wasn't under the influence. That concerned me because what if she wasn't when she got them, then did drugs while she had them. Again, cps said she had legal custody, nothing I can do. So, I petitioned the court for legal custody, which again, keeps getting adjourned.
My daughter was in a halfway house in a seedy area of town, but managed to get herself kicked out of there for "seeing her own pastor" as she puts it (I highly doubt it). Then she stayed w/her ex and his mother for about 3 weeks, till they put her out of there saying she was high all the time. Then she went to a sober house, where she stayed for about 2 1/2 weeks, till she tested positive for opiates. They put her out, then she rented a room down the block from that house, and suddenly now, she is "inpatient". I have come to find out from cps that every week she has been testing positive for either opiates or cocaine! Even though she was attending IOP and she goes to treatment court at family court, she continued to use!!!! There is now an order of supervised visitation, supervised only by me, in place.
During our last family court case last week, the law guardian told me that my granddaughters are in jeopardy of going into foster care due to the fact that I "am not cooperating" with the school, I have not returned phone calls to teachers, nor signed an IEP for my youngest granddaughter. I am not allowed by law to sign those things!!! I am not legal guardian!!!! My daughter was taking it upon herself to call the teachers, etc., and making plans which I was not aware of. When I raised my concerns about this to cps, they told me there is nothing they can do!!!!! I am going for legal custody, but it keeps getting adjourned week after week, as my daughter keeps throwing curve balls in there along the way, I am missing time off from work, and need this to be over with. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I just don't know what's going to happen to my two little girls.
This appears to just drag on and on. If I got legal custody, at the end of this school year, I could put them in my school district, obtain after school daycare, I need to get them in summer camp, etc. All of this cannot be done if I am not legal guardian! Further, now that she is "inpatient", she wants me and the kids to come see her on visiting day. While I do not "hate" my daughter, and I try not to harbor resentment and bitterness toward her, I really feel that any mother who continues to use despite the fact that her own children could possibly be placed in foster care, shows utter disregard for them, and should not even be "considered" a mother! I need to get passed that. It's almost as if she wants the "title" of mother, yet doesn't want to do any of the work that being a mother entails, no. 1 being, REMAIN CLEAN AND SOBER for your children!!!!
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated, and also, this afternoon is yet another court date, which will probably be adjourned again since the mother is now in rehab and not able to attend, but prayers would really help also. Thanks.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((Queen)))
I'm sorry about all that you have been going through with your grand daughters.
Have you consulted a family law attorney? Maybe a lawyer can help you push for your grand daughters rights.
I'm sorry about all that you have been going through with your grand daughters.
Have you consulted a family law attorney? Maybe a lawyer can help you push for your grand daughters rights.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Queen, I am so sorry you have your life so totally stuffed up, thanks to this girl and her addiction and sheer selfishness, and also thanks to the legal stupidity.
Do the legal folks and authorities not understand that the children are supposed to be the FIRST priority, that they need to extract their collective digits, and act for the childrens best interests?
As a grandmum myself this makes me sick to my stomach and damned angry, as I would be if it were me worrying over my own G kids, and being tossed from pillar to post by those employed to help legally.
You and the children are in my prayers for an end to this cr*p.
God bless
Do the legal folks and authorities not understand that the children are supposed to be the FIRST priority, that they need to extract their collective digits, and act for the childrens best interests?
As a grandmum myself this makes me sick to my stomach and damned angry, as I would be if it were me worrying over my own G kids, and being tossed from pillar to post by those employed to help legally.
You and the children are in my prayers for an end to this cr*p.
God bless
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Good Lord what a mess. I agree with Pelican about consulting with a family law attorney. If CPS is saying you aren't cooperating, yet you cannot do what they expect you to do..well, you need some help.
Is it even possible for a grandparent to petition the court for emergency custody? I have no idea, but a legal helpline in your state might be able to answer that.
Is it even possible for a grandparent to petition the court for emergency custody? I have no idea, but a legal helpline in your state might be able to answer that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Agreed. Get a family law lawyer ASAP. Also, it would be helpful to you and to this lawyer if you started writing down a history of what has occured with your daughter, with as much detailed information as possible (dates of arrests, drug usage, inpatient treatment, *everything you can think of*). When you do meet with the lawyer, you can get him or her up to date on what's been going on.
If you can't afford one, look into legal aid in your area:
Nassau/Suffolk Law Services Committee, Inc.
As for the children, there must be some Al-Ateen literature or tween literature around concerning the addiction of a parent. They're going to need a lot of support through this.
As for you...have you considered individual counselling for yourself (or Al-Anon)? You're carrying a very heavy burden...
*hugs* I hope you keep us posted!
If you can't afford one, look into legal aid in your area:
Nassau/Suffolk Law Services Committee, Inc.
As for the children, there must be some Al-Ateen literature or tween literature around concerning the addiction of a parent. They're going to need a lot of support through this.
As for you...have you considered individual counselling for yourself (or Al-Anon)? You're carrying a very heavy burden...
*hugs* I hope you keep us posted!
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and caring. I have a petition for custody pending with the court, that is what keeps getting adjourned over and over again, and will probably be adjourned again today (I have court at 2pm) because now my D is in inpatient and can't attend.
I am in counseling, once a week individual and once a week group for co-dependants. I have been for over a year now. Also, I attend Alanon once a week (because the kids have therapy once a week also and there's only so much time in a week with working full time and all LOL). I have taken the girls to Alateen meetings, got the book "what's drunk mama?" and "Alateen talks about detachment", but that didn't sit well w/cps. The worker felt they were too young for Alateen and should not know anything about alcohol/drug addiction, and feels they know too much! Well, how could they not when their mother is an addict???? Also, it seems that the kids therapist (who I really do like) feels that even tho I have the kids, they need to have a relationship with their mother. Well, I don't think so. According to me, when she puts in the work and effort to be a mother, that's when she can have a relationship with them. Until then, in my opinion, it only messes up their heads, cause she fills them w/false promises of being together again. But I guess in light of her failing yet another drug test, I will re-address this w/the girls' therapist this week.
Today in court, I am going to ask for a lawyer to be appointed to me, as part of 18b or legal aid. And I am going to check out that Nassau Suffolk law services committe you suggested.
Thank you all for being there for me!
I am in counseling, once a week individual and once a week group for co-dependants. I have been for over a year now. Also, I attend Alanon once a week (because the kids have therapy once a week also and there's only so much time in a week with working full time and all LOL). I have taken the girls to Alateen meetings, got the book "what's drunk mama?" and "Alateen talks about detachment", but that didn't sit well w/cps. The worker felt they were too young for Alateen and should not know anything about alcohol/drug addiction, and feels they know too much! Well, how could they not when their mother is an addict???? Also, it seems that the kids therapist (who I really do like) feels that even tho I have the kids, they need to have a relationship with their mother. Well, I don't think so. According to me, when she puts in the work and effort to be a mother, that's when she can have a relationship with them. Until then, in my opinion, it only messes up their heads, cause she fills them w/false promises of being together again. But I guess in light of her failing yet another drug test, I will re-address this w/the girls' therapist this week.
Today in court, I am going to ask for a lawyer to be appointed to me, as part of 18b or legal aid. And I am going to check out that Nassau Suffolk law services committe you suggested.
Thank you all for being there for me!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Wow QT what a mess. I understand your frustration, most mothers just can't get their head around the concept neglecting their own children. I also see your legal rock and a hard place situation. How about this for a suggestion, just maybe having her children in foster care for a couple months might shake your daughter into the reality that legal custody of Grandma would be preferable? Not an easy pill for you to swallow either but maybe it's time to let the system run it's course. You can't protect your daughter and grandchildren from the system for ever, it's just not humanly possible.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Jazzman, I have thought of that, when all of this first happened in Sept. I always thought it would be too easy for her to have me take care of them, figuring they're in good hands, and she can just "play mommy" without having any responsibility. But the kids would suffer for that, not her (obviously, if she still stands a chance to lose them, either to me or foster care, depending on the court, and she still continues to test positive!) At first, she kept telling me she was going to outpatient (which she was but managed to get kicked out of three of them for non-compliance) and was going to straighten out and get her kids back. After a few months, and different treatment centers, still homeless and not securing employment, and coupled with the fact that cps said she can take them at any time cause she is still legal guardian/mother, that is when I decided to file for custody. She is not fighting me on the custody thing now, she still wants to "play mommy" for a few hours once a week on Saturday, it's cps and the law guardian that keep putting it off. But I love my granddaughters, and they love me, and they are truly happy at my house, although I know at times they act out, but that is being addressed in therapy. Being as their mother is an addict, coupled with the fact that their biological father comes in and out of their lives, and with everything they have been thru, I don't think it would be in their best interests to be put in foster care. I think it would only mess their little heads up more than it already is. I am not concerned at all that my daughter get well, get in recovery cause it is not about her. I don't care if she ever gets in recovery, if she lives in the streets (I sleep well at night on that one, not my problem), my only concern are these girls. But like I said, I did think about that in the beginning, and discussed it in therapy and group, but I would not feel comfortable with it. If the courts do it, then so be it, I gave it my best shot, but I'm going to do what I can to try to give these little girls a somewhat normal life. They deserve that. But I do understand and appreciate what you're trying to say, sometimes dealing with the courts and cps and the system in general is like beating ones head against a brick wall.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi QueenTree,
I had a few run-ins with cps & their law judge when I was getting sober. I had to put my 11 year old (youngest of five) in Foster care when I went into the hospital for a medical detox & also for the month I was at in-patient alcohol treatment.
There were a couple other times too when I was hospitalized for my depression/anxiety. What made me very angry was when her casemanager turned in the costs of her care & also called her doc telling him I would never take care of her & her diabetes right. The caregivers told the cm that about her diabetes because they didn't get up early enough & my daughter was heading into a coma because she had taken her insulin without a breakfast to eat.
The ambulance came & took her to the hospital & notified me. Her doctor also called me & said he would go to bat for me whatever the outcome.
I had no problems with the lawjudge over my single parent custody but I still had to pay back the care which was before & after school & all day on the weekend. He knew I worked half time so I would be home more with her due to the lows & highs of adjusting the insulin but he told me he would set the payment as if I were working fulltime. I don't understand this to this day plus since we were low-income I was told I had to pay part of the bill @ $20 a month. We only had $550 a month to live on which was my pay & the Child Support. I asked the law judge if he knew my history & that I had been sober a year & was going to college while working half time.
He said that it was comendable what I was doing but I still had to pay. This cps caseworker was one of my ex-husband's co-workers & a fishing partner....needless to say he did not come around much anymore.
Good luck to you & do keep a running record of what is happening with your precious little girl & husband. It sounds like you have a very good program in place for you. Keep up the good work.
I had a few run-ins with cps & their law judge when I was getting sober. I had to put my 11 year old (youngest of five) in Foster care when I went into the hospital for a medical detox & also for the month I was at in-patient alcohol treatment.
There were a couple other times too when I was hospitalized for my depression/anxiety. What made me very angry was when her casemanager turned in the costs of her care & also called her doc telling him I would never take care of her & her diabetes right. The caregivers told the cm that about her diabetes because they didn't get up early enough & my daughter was heading into a coma because she had taken her insulin without a breakfast to eat.
The ambulance came & took her to the hospital & notified me. Her doctor also called me & said he would go to bat for me whatever the outcome.
I had no problems with the lawjudge over my single parent custody but I still had to pay back the care which was before & after school & all day on the weekend. He knew I worked half time so I would be home more with her due to the lows & highs of adjusting the insulin but he told me he would set the payment as if I were working fulltime. I don't understand this to this day plus since we were low-income I was told I had to pay part of the bill @ $20 a month. We only had $550 a month to live on which was my pay & the Child Support. I asked the law judge if he knew my history & that I had been sober a year & was going to college while working half time.
He said that it was comendable what I was doing but I still had to pay. This cps caseworker was one of my ex-husband's co-workers & a fishing partner....needless to say he did not come around much anymore.
Good luck to you & do keep a running record of what is happening with your precious little girl & husband. It sounds like you have a very good program in place for you. Keep up the good work.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
