How can I forget
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
How can I forget
Today I was talking to someone and I realized... yes my AH doesnt want anything to do with me and has abandoned me and that has upset me so much. But when he lived with me, I realized it was the same story. Yes he would call and say a word here or there but he was grumpy and not interested in me then either. Although he changed for a while after rehab last september these days heis just back to his basic self.
Most likely he is drinking every night and then telling everyone the next day how well he is doing sober and without me.
I dont know how I didnt see this before. He hasnt changed...he just went back to his normal self. LOL. I have to laugh at myself for not realizing this sooner.
I guess for a few months he decided to be the good guy in recovery to see if we can reconcile but then he decided to go back to his usual self.
And no, this isnt someone I want to be with. At all. Ever.
Most likely he is drinking every night and then telling everyone the next day how well he is doing sober and without me.
I dont know how I didnt see this before. He hasnt changed...he just went back to his normal self. LOL. I have to laugh at myself for not realizing this sooner.
I guess for a few months he decided to be the good guy in recovery to see if we can reconcile but then he decided to go back to his usual self.
And no, this isnt someone I want to be with. At all. Ever.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
yes my AH doesnt want anything to do with me and has abandoned me and that has upset me so much. But when he lived with me, I realized it was the same story. Yes he would call and say a word here or there but he was grumpy and not interested in me then either.
When I'm lonely, which rarely happens as a single parent, I do things for myself. Stuff I want to do.
Working on loving myself unconditionally through therapy, exercise, my work and taking care of my home, has given me what I always wanted. Yes, we spend years feeling unloved and overlooked. But that realization motivated me to truly work hard on fixing my life and taking care of myself, not others.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
My detachment has gone similarly - mine does not want to be with me either, which really is a relief in a lot of aspects. But then we all have to come to the acceptance that our SO's likely never really loved us in the first place. Perhaps that's the toughest to accept.
It really is a learning experience. We do have to love ourselves first and foremost, it's almost like learning to be just a little selfish sometimes.
It really is a learning experience. We do have to love ourselves first and foremost, it's almost like learning to be just a little selfish sometimes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Duped 
My detachment has gone similarly - mine does not want to be with me either, which really is a relief in a lot of aspects. But then we all have to come to the acceptance that our SO's likely never really loved us in the first place. Perhaps that's the toughest to accept.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by transformyself
This was a pivotal point in my recovery. I always thought "you can only rely on yourself" was a very negative way of looking at the world, but I've adopted an outlook, a policy, that reflects my belief in inter-connectedness AND self reliance. When I want to call him, or my sister, or ANYONE to do something I don't think I can do--I force myself to do it myself. Sometimes it takes months (like mending the fence so the little dogs can't escape) but I DO it. And then I feel really good about myself.
When I'm lonely, which rarely happens as a single parent, I do things for myself. Stuff I want to do.
Working on loving myself unconditionally through therapy, exercise, my work and taking care of my home, has given me what I always wanted. Yes, we spend years feeling unloved and overlooked. But that realization motivated me to truly work hard on fixing my life and taking care of myself, not others.
When I'm lonely, which rarely happens as a single parent, I do things for myself. Stuff I want to do.
Working on loving myself unconditionally through therapy, exercise, my work and taking care of my home, has given me what I always wanted. Yes, we spend years feeling unloved and overlooked. But that realization motivated me to truly work hard on fixing my life and taking care of myself, not others.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by lulu1974
I used to think that way but now I think I realize he wanted to love me but he simply doesnt know how. He doesnt love himself and abuses his body and mind so how he can possibly genuinely love me. I always felt it. He wanted to but he is hurting so much inside there is no room for me. His priorities are drinking and satisfying his ego in my opinion. Whatever he needs to do to satisfy his ego is most important. Without his ego he would crumble and have to face reality. That is just my opninion though and I have no idea what is going on in his head. I dont think he knows what is going on in his head either.
For some reason it didn't take me long to accept that mine, like yours, tried to love me, but really didn't know how. The only thing she was capable of a relationship with was her own demons. And the ego point that you made is also true.
Our couple's counselor really confirmed it for me a few months back (I still see him on my own) that my ex wants to come from a sincere place in her heart, but really, hasn't a clue how to. In his words, she is still the teenager that I knew back in the 80s from an emotional development point of view.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Duped
I think you are entirely correct.
For some reason it didn't take me long to accept that mine, like yours, tried to love me, but really didn't know how. The only thing she was capable of a relationship with was her own demons. And the ego point that you made is also true.
Our couple's counselor really confirmed it for me a few months back (I still see him on my own) that my ex wants to come from a sincere place in her heart, but really, hasn't a clue how to. In his words, she is still the teenager that I knew back in the 80s from an emotional development point of view.
For some reason it didn't take me long to accept that mine, like yours, tried to love me, but really didn't know how. The only thing she was capable of a relationship with was her own demons. And the ego point that you made is also true.
Our couple's counselor really confirmed it for me a few months back (I still see him on my own) that my ex wants to come from a sincere place in her heart, but really, hasn't a clue how to. In his words, she is still the teenager that I knew back in the 80s from an emotional development point of view.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by lulu1974
I used to think that way but now I think I realize he wanted to love me but he simply doesnt know how. He doesnt love himself and abuses his body and mind so how he can possibly genuinely love me. I always felt it. He wanted to but he is hurting so much inside there is no room for me. His priorities are drinking and satisfying his ego in my opinion. Whatever he needs to do to satisfy his ego is most important. Without his ego he would crumble and have to face reality. That is just my opninion though and I have no idea what is going on in his head. I dont think he knows what is going on in his head either.
Imagine if you will, a really busy day you're having. Work, kids, boss needing this, you need to make appointments, etc. Your head is just SPINNING with life, and you start to forget stuff. Like eating lunch or picking up the cleaning
When an addict is in full-swing, their brains are so full of their sorrow, they have no room to think of others.
They love at the capacity they know at the time, it's not rejection because how can you be rejected by someone who rejected themselves.?!
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by lulu1974
Today I was talking to someone and I realized... yes my AH doesnt want anything to do with me and has abandoned me and that has upset me so much. But when he lived with me, I realized it was the same story.
My axw had me replaced before she was even out of the house. BTW, thanks HP! Ha!
I found this here on SR some where, some time ago. It really hit home for me, so I copied it to my my desktop with many other "bits" of wisdom. Maybe it will be of some comfort to you or some one else in your shoes.
I know I've probably posted it before, but it's pretty good.
Let them go....
This is how I feel about the people who walk away from me during the times that I needed them the most.....
LET IT GO......
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. " [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when a person's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay...LET THEM GO!!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying,
"Take your hands off of it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing and it's time to release and let go of the old...LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left...think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.
LET IT GO
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
__________________
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
