Thank you all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Thank you all.
After my scary time earlier today..I am feeling much better. Better than I have in a couple of weeks. When I was having suicidal thoughts today this came to my mind..
I grew up in an alcoholic home and when I was about 11 I started protecting my mother from my father..I would help her call the cops and leave the house and took care of everything for her as she claimed her English wasnt that good. I also had to call the cops on my father when he would hit me ( tears as I write this part) but as scary as that was..he was told he couldnt hit me anymore.
By the time I was 21 - I handled my mother's divorce for her again because of her English but today I know better..Now that my marriage is breaking up, she isnt interested at all. She hardly calls to see how I am or comes over or anything. So being the martyr back then didnt work and make her love me any more.
My sister was my soulmate or so I thought. I was 11 when she was born. By the time I was 21 and had divorced my father, my mother decided to work nights so I became mom to my 10 years old sister. I worked fulltime, I would car pool with the rest of the moms, make some quick dinner, give her money, got to all her cheerleading comepetitions, chaperoned dances and be the best sister I could ever be. I wanted her to have a better life..But now I see that didnt really make her love me anymore either. We had our second fight ever and even though I may have been wrong or not..I called her. She knows how hard things are for me and yet she has not called me back. It was a fight not the end of our relationship but when I needed her most..not here..
So all those years when i should have been in college and having a good time..I was doing above..
Then I married a guy who loved that I was a victim. He used to feel sorry for me and help me and I thought he was Mr Wonderful..well you all know how this ends.
All these years doing for others..I dont even know how to start taking care of me and living life for myself. I have never done this before. But awareness is the key.
These people may or may not be here for me but I spent an awful lot of time on them and got nothing really out of it...I hope this makes sense..
Thanks for listening.
I grew up in an alcoholic home and when I was about 11 I started protecting my mother from my father..I would help her call the cops and leave the house and took care of everything for her as she claimed her English wasnt that good. I also had to call the cops on my father when he would hit me ( tears as I write this part) but as scary as that was..he was told he couldnt hit me anymore.
By the time I was 21 - I handled my mother's divorce for her again because of her English but today I know better..Now that my marriage is breaking up, she isnt interested at all. She hardly calls to see how I am or comes over or anything. So being the martyr back then didnt work and make her love me any more.
My sister was my soulmate or so I thought. I was 11 when she was born. By the time I was 21 and had divorced my father, my mother decided to work nights so I became mom to my 10 years old sister. I worked fulltime, I would car pool with the rest of the moms, make some quick dinner, give her money, got to all her cheerleading comepetitions, chaperoned dances and be the best sister I could ever be. I wanted her to have a better life..But now I see that didnt really make her love me anymore either. We had our second fight ever and even though I may have been wrong or not..I called her. She knows how hard things are for me and yet she has not called me back. It was a fight not the end of our relationship but when I needed her most..not here..
So all those years when i should have been in college and having a good time..I was doing above..
Then I married a guy who loved that I was a victim. He used to feel sorry for me and help me and I thought he was Mr Wonderful..well you all know how this ends.
All these years doing for others..I dont even know how to start taking care of me and living life for myself. I have never done this before. But awareness is the key.
These people may or may not be here for me but I spent an awful lot of time on them and got nothing really out of it...I hope this makes sense..
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Lulu, now you have the opportunity to care for YOU, to be there for YOU, to nurture and protect YOU.
Just because your mum, sister and Ah have had you running after them for these years, and when needed by you, are not able or willing to help you, doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself.
Think of the practice you have had caring, supporting and nurturing them....and now make your list of things YOU can do to care, support and nurture yourself. Do whatever gives you pleasure, something you have'nt done because of being too busy with others, and go do it.
Go thru the list as you feel like it, all the calming, cheeky, funny, silly, exciting and wonderful experiences and pleasures you want to enjoy, go for it.
Life is too short for sadness.
You are on my prayer list Lulu.
God bless
Just because your mum, sister and Ah have had you running after them for these years, and when needed by you, are not able or willing to help you, doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself.
Think of the practice you have had caring, supporting and nurturing them....and now make your list of things YOU can do to care, support and nurture yourself. Do whatever gives you pleasure, something you have'nt done because of being too busy with others, and go do it.
Go thru the list as you feel like it, all the calming, cheeky, funny, silly, exciting and wonderful experiences and pleasures you want to enjoy, go for it.
Life is too short for sadness.
You are on my prayer list Lulu.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Lulu, now you have the opportunity to care for YOU, to be there for YOU, to nurture and protect YOU.
Just because your mum, sister and Ah have had you running after them for these years, and when needed by you, are not able or willing to help you, doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself.
Think of the practice you have had caring, supporting and nurturing them....and now make your list of things YOU can do to care, support and nurture yourself. Do whatever gives you pleasure, something you have'nt done because of being too busy with others, and go do it.
Go thru the list as you feel like it, all the calming, cheeky, funny, silly, exciting and wonderful experiences and pleasures you want to enjoy, go for it.
Life is too short for sadness.
You are on my prayer list Lulu.
God bless
Just because your mum, sister and Ah have had you running after them for these years, and when needed by you, are not able or willing to help you, doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself.
Think of the practice you have had caring, supporting and nurturing them....and now make your list of things YOU can do to care, support and nurture yourself. Do whatever gives you pleasure, something you have'nt done because of being too busy with others, and go do it.
Go thru the list as you feel like it, all the calming, cheeky, funny, silly, exciting and wonderful experiences and pleasures you want to enjoy, go for it.
Life is too short for sadness.
You are on my prayer list Lulu.
God bless
I feel ready to go back to work soon although I dont like my job much these days. Am seeing my doctor today and will see what she says but my anxiety is a hit or miss. Baby steps...
But yes. Life is too short for all this sadness. And really thinking about my life as I posted above has really opened my mind. I have issues with my inner child. I can be ok for a couple days and then I lose it and cant get it back..
But little by little. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers. This always comforts me..
Hugs
Lulu
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