lulu1974

I am 35...I dont really have too much time left to meet someone and start a family.. I have some time I know but the thing is, I am Catholic. I havent even had him served yet with the divorce papers. although they have been filed. But I am getting lonely. And I know most say to wait before dating and we have been separated for almost 7 months (I have been super duper faithful sadly) and according to my faith even if I file for annulment..We are talking 2 years of no dating at least. Disturbing.

I am having a hard time coming to grips with what is best for me. Would I like to go out to dinner with someone and talk and have it be platonic? Heck yes. Maybe go further than that? Dont know.

But I am getting tired of life passing me by...I am still youngish as far as starting over and accomplishing my dreams..
When I think of what I like to do as is suggested..I keep thinking..I want a family!! I want kids. I want to be a mom. So finding other things to do hasnt been successful.
Should I be getting myself back out there?
And then because of the divorce not even in the works, is it ok too? I dont think he can do anything if I am online dating once he is served. He has been doing it for months while I sit here depressed.
Can anyone share their experience.thoughts?
Thanks all.

stilllearning

My take on this is that I can't get the time I spent in dysfuctional relationships "back" again. And honestly, there's a decade right there.

What I -can- do is spend the next 10 years on the same rollercoaster (it's almost guaranteed) unless I knuckle down and finally start dealing with myself. In a relationship with ....myself. Where the person I'm looking to to meet my needs is ... me. When I get to that place I'll be ready to date.

I don't know how long it will take - but I've made a deal with myself that I have to get through all 12 steps before I even think about being ready. And I'm going through the steps with a fine tooth comb.

Until I'm healthy, any relationship I invest in is likely to do me/the other person more damage - and I can live without any more damage right now.

barb dwyer

The sentences preceeding that statement -
shows clearly that you're letting your religion determine your actions.

I'm just sayin'.

StillLearning has what I was going to add and that is -

When I came into recovery,
I made myself the vow
my own personal "12X12"
and that was 12 steps and 12 months.

And I stuck to that.

What the mental imagery going in my head was -
(sorry but sometimes it's hard to pull from the abstract)

You know when you're riding the bus
(life)
and you're standing there, holding on to that pole in the middle
(relationship)
and you have to move to the front of the bus
(learning and growth -moving forward)

you have to let go of that pole,
(literally let go)

and take a few steps
(learning the value of solitude)

before you can grab the next pole.
(new relationship)


what I saw was

we have to do the stepping part
without holding onto anything.

If you start thinking you're never going to 'get' anyone else....
you're starting out on what will most likely be
the most colorful enjoyable part of your life

...focused on what *isnt* rather than what *is*

...where the heck is the enjoyment in that?

Ingwer

Lulu
One I applaud you! The strength you have is amazing. And I know its hard. But I promise life IS NOT PASSING YOU BY! And I know that I am new to this board, that I am 100% unexperience in what anyone should or should not do. But I will offer you my ear. And I promise to be hear to listen anytime you feel like venting. And being Catholic myself I do on one aspect see your moral inner argument. I also apologize for asking this on your post but StillLearing mentioned 12 steps... What are our 12 steps as the wives of the alcoholic?

lulu1974

Thanks Barb. Great as always. My sponsor says I need to wait a year till I start the steps...She wants me to keep going to meetings but cant start stepwork for a year? What was your experience?

lulu1974

Thanks so much. It has been a very difficult journey but no more so than living with him was.

barb dwyer

Well - in early recovery - the men
who 'showed their interest' and who I thought 'hmmmmm..."
once I did the steps and made my growth -

then look at those same guys -

omg were as sick and as broken as me. .
and STAYED that way to this day!
I'm talkin the three legged one eared CURS
of the DOGS in recovery, hon.
They were the same old thing... in different skins.

The feeling is kinda like
what it probably feels like
to be walking down a city block
and hear a piano hit the sidewalk a half block BEHIND you....

whereas it USED to land ON you... you know?

There's no such thing as a 'near miss' in the Book of Barb.
There are only 'near hits'.

Now, I don't know about waiting to do steps
because I'm an alcoholic
and I went through AA.

Maybe there's something about having so much else going on
at the moment
she wants you to get somewhat less chaotic
before 'digging in the dirt'.

maybe.

But in AA it's more
'get going get off yer arse before you have time to screw this up too"
kind of mentality - LOL!


But see if you can look
at what is right here right now....
and not look at this like
'omg a year w/o nookie'.
cuz that aint what it is.

believe me -
you're gonna have PLENTY enough to do.

And you know
we've got a joke up here -
we call 'catch and release' program.
(it's a fishing thing if youre not a fisherman.
You go out - catch a fish-
but instead of taking it home and eating it
you let it go)

The theory works here as effectively.

I mean
if you're in a good enough place
and all is firing on all cylinders....
there's no reason in the world
you can't jus say to a man
"hey, I'm in need but no relationship...
just lets have fun one time, and you can
hit the button on the coffee maker
and lock the door
on your way out"

please .... AND ... thank you....

unfortunately,
us codies....
we have to be all 'in love' ... you know?

I'm not enlightened enough
for sex not to 'mean' something.

And the changing of a lifetime of painful choices ...
takes about a full sun cycle to do.

In any REAL way.

lulu1974

Apparently my husband missed that memo after 2 rehabs and tons of AA mtgs..Ok. his choice.

I love your visuals Barb..they really help. The bus one was great as I took the bus into the city for 11 years so I am VERY familiar with the pole! I loved it.

But I do get what you mean and truthfully..I can admit here..thinking back..I always attracted the broken men...even before my husband. Gotta admit this. In a way I chose my husband cause he was more of the normal ones...boy was I wrong. But ok. I have my Melody Beattie Codependents guide to 12 steps out and I can at least read about them again..I will speak to my sponsor and see what she says..
Hugs Barb!

Jadmack25

Lulu, I just spent a beautiful prayer filled Easter , beginning on Holy Thursday thru to last night's Easter Vigil.
At each service or mass, I offered my prayers and rosary before and during the service, for all here on SR, some including you I named, for those in dire need or danger, for those who needed guidence, strength and courage.

For you it seems a hard time trying to do the right thing by your Catholic faith and beliefs, and for your own needs, desires and lifestyle. I know how difficult that is, as I have been in that situation for many years, and the loneliness can be terrible, at times even unbearable.

I do not have the answer, and can only keep you in my heart, mind and prayers.

God bless

lulu1974

Thank you so much for this. I have been resistant to go back to church. I pray but I cant seem to step back there. I am trying to today though. Thanks so much again and Happy Easter!

Freedom1990

I'd be finding a new sponsor. Just my two cents.

Jadmack25

Your sponsor wants you to wait a year before beginning steps???
I would have thought at worst step 1 needed to be worked from the start, to give grounding to everything you do and learn at Alanon.

To me, waiting to do steps is like trying to learn to swim, without a first lesson.

God bless

lulu1974

it just feels like i an on a highway to nowhere...waiting and listening

DesertEyes

Hello there Lulu, and pleased to "meet" you

This is not _my_ personal experience, but it's the experience of sombody I deeply respect. My adopted mom

She is 96yrs old and has out lived _3_ husbands. The last one she married at age 82. If you ever tell her she's a widow she will get in your face (all 4ft 10in of her) and tell you that she is _single_ and has _two_ boyfriends to prove it. Each one of them is over 100. We're Irish Catholics, but Mom became Presbyterian somewhere along the way because she says life is too short to live it as a Catholic. This one guy she's dating is Lutheran, so who knows, she may switch again.

No offense intented to any Catholics, I still am, I'm just quoting my Mom.

When I got into al-anon I was told to not date for a whole year, because my head was full of mush. I did six months and started dating a charming young lady. What a mess, my head _was_ mush and that relationship was to. Fortunately we managed to get out of it and we're still good friends today. I dated a little more, and did better each time.

Now I've been in a solid relationship for 3 years. I'm still making mistakes, still have a lot to learn, but this relationship might actually make it. And if it doesn't.... well then the next one will be even better still. If I keep learning and growing then for sure I'll be the happiest man in the world by the time I hit 96.

I think my biggest "character defect" as an alanoid is that I am "addicted" to this fantasy of a "perfect relationship". Maybe I watched to much Disney as a kid, I dunno. When I work my recovery and let go of that fantasy, and instead see my relationship as just a partnership between two people each with their own baggage, things go amazingly well. I loose the attraction to the "sick" people, I loose the need to rescue, and I find that perfectly normal, drama-less peeps are a lot more interesting than I thought.

Mike

lulu1974

Thank you for this Mike..Your mom sounds amazing. You are a blessed person and nice to mee you as well...hugs