lovehasnorules

My boyfriend is a recovering addict. We've been going out for a year and a half and i just found out in January about his addiction, when his mother told me. He said he was scared to tell me because he didnt want me to leave him. Now he's clean completely, and is going to NA meetings nearly everyday. He met a new friend there and says this guy is like his mentor, because hes been sober for a year, and he is telling him everything he needs to do. Now, my boy friend and i used to see each other at least 5 times a week, now he says he needs space to get better mentally and it will better our relationship as well. He says that he still wants to hang out on weekends, but it confuses me because he barely calls me and when he does it's only for a few minutes and he has to go, and doesnt call back for hours upon hours. I dont understand why i'm the only one he needs space from, when he can still hang out with his brother and his new friends until 4 am. He says that if i cant take whats going on then he cant be selfish and tell me i have to because he knows hes hurting me and that im the most amazing girl hes ever met and we match perfectly. He said only time will heal how ****** up in the head he is but he is still him deep inside just mentally hes not where he wants to be or where i want him to be. I want to be there for him SO BAD, but he is cutting me out. I just dont know what to do. I dont know what exactly he meant by all that, if he wants me to be with him or not. He says he loves me, and i know he still does but i just honestly am confused. I WANT to be there for him i dont want to break up, and he said that he doesnt either. can someone explain to me what i should do. I have taken a giant step back but i'm going crazy in my head with all these thoughts because i dont really know how he feels anymore. why am i the only one he needs space from, he says hes number one in his life right now, and i understand that, but it seems like im not even on that list. i never had an addiction or dealt with anyone who has ever had one either, until now. i love him so much.

hello-kitty

Please let your addict do whatever he says he needs to do to get better. The more you press, the more you will hurt yourself.

If you love something set them free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

I know it hurts but you need to focus on yourself. Why are you so desparate to be with someone who is pushing you away? How can you make yourself better and stronger? A book called "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beatty may be helpful in figuring out answers to these questions. Or "Women Who Love Too Much".

Jenny1232

I actually agree with cynical one here. I don't know your situation well enough, but it just doesn't seem 'right' by what you're saying. I'm with Hello-Kitty on suggesting you work on yourself. I would try your best to not over-analyze the situation.

I can't offer much advice - because I'm in a similiar situation and very confused. I find solace in coming here and reading other stories - and the desire to heal myself. Let him work on himself, while you work on yours. I'd just give it time. If he's pushing you away, let him. Once he sees you're drifting apart, something may click within him. If not, it sounds like he's either wrapped up in his addiction, or something else beyond your control is going on.

Just do yourself a favor, and focus on you.

teke

welcome

coffeedrinker

when i first starting reading, thought to myself, "yeah, he does need to focus on his new way of life, and make good connections with other recovering addicts. as hard as it is, you need to back off". then when i read about him staying involved with his brother, and friends, out half the night i thought, "hmm. flag on the play." i could be wrong, but that's what my thought (like cynical) was.

does he also share with you about his meetings, what he's learning? has he introduced you yet to the mentor or other new friends?

what you have to do is one of the hardest things. time. time to work on yourself (al-anon?), to also develop your other relationships more, to work on a hobby or find a new one. and in that time that you're taking more away from him, the truth that you wish to see now, but don't, will be revealed.

littlebird77

The best thing in the world you can do is going to meetings yourself. You will then obtain tools to relive yourself of any anxieties you will have, and make long lasting friends.

outtolunch

Believe him and move on.

lightseeker

I think that I need to change my name to Cynical One but it's already taken. All I can do is share my experience and when my addict was behaving in those ways he was actually using. He swore up and down that he was sober and talked the talk. He wasn't walking the walk.

Try going to meetings (Alanon or Naranon) and that will give you a lot of support. Addiction is a situation where the only answer is to focus on yourself and not the other person.

I understand that you love him deeply - but do you really love the way that he is treating you?

Jacob

I was that boyfriend.

When I was recovering, it was very hard to talk on the phone. I had a girlfriend whom I loved very much but sometimes she would call or text and it would take me hours to respond. I don't really know why.

The problem is that-- on a very basic, chemical level-- I could feel no pleasure from anything. Even my girlfriend. It's a short circuit in the brain. It was almost painful to do anything other than stare at the walls sometimes. I can't really explain it.

On the other hand, I knew deep in my heart, in my soul, that I loved my girlfriend very much, and felt regret and shame that I could not be a good partner in a good relationship for the time being.

My advice to you would be to make specific engagements with a specific start and end time. Like see a movie once a week, or have dinner. It is important to not take it personally when he wants the date to end at the end of the evening. Being social can create a huge amount of anxiety, and he needs to know when it's going to be over so he can be by himself and relax again. It's not a slight against you, it's his own personal failing.

I don't know for sure if it's the same with him-- you have to follow your heart with this one, and decide for yourself if you're willing to wait and see if the clouds will break. They did with me. My girlfriend is now moving in and I can function as a human being again, and I will forever be grateful to her for being patient and compassionate through the whole ordeal.

lovehasnorules

thanks jacob that made me feel better. I know it's not another woman that, and i'm almost 100% positive hes not using again because he seems to be trying very hard. he told me that his sobreity is number one because if he relapses then there wont be a relationship anymore.
i know i just have to understand and give him space it just really hurts me when he doesnt want to see me. but then again i really dont understand because i have never had an addiction or known anyone with one. i am willing to stick around because me and him have something really special (before all this) and he tells me he has faith in our relationship, and i'm trying to but it's hard. i am trying to give him the space he needs and i will definitely try giving him start and end times for the time we spend together. i believe we will end up together. i dont think i am being desperate, i was thrown into this situation i had no idea about and now i am trying to deal with it as best as i can. we have a cat together at his apartment and before i go over to visit him i txt him and let him know and tell him ill understand if hes not there when i get there.

lovehasnorules

how long does it normally take for a recovering addict to start to let people in again and return to some sort of normalcy? My bf tells me he has a void he needs to fill since he's not on drugs anymore, so he's getting a motorcycle .. he is also very stressed, his only brother is leaving for the air force in july.

Carol Star

Read Codependent No More and try Alanon. Work the program you wish he would work. Give him some space. He needs to be checking in with his sponser and recovery friends. What can you do today to take care of you. Feelings aren't facts. SR will give you lots of experience, strength and hope.........

Freedom1990

There are no time tables.

Find either Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area (Alanon is more widely available) and start attending for yourself. You're going to lose your mind in this process if you don't seek some recovery for yourself.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and read it.

As long as I was out there chasing that elusive butterfly, and thinking I needed a man to make me complete, I created a lot of pain for myself.

I am also a recovering addict, and I can tell you that for a long time my emotions were all over the place. I was extremely awkward socially. My primary focus needed to be my recovery, and it's still my primary focus.

It took time to eventually find balance in my life.

It will take him time too, if he stays in recovery.