Lotus2009

... just wondering if anyone else had that fear after you left your A? I mean it is a fact that this disease takes people's lives. I've seen AH putting himself into bad situations (usually only at home, leaving the gas stove on and not waking up when the fire alarms go off, etc.) - so what if he's so intoxicated that he falls and bleeds to death, or sets the house on fire, or accidently drowns himself, etc. and there's noone there to call 911. I know in the end there is nothing I can do to save him from himself - but I still get these fears (mostly at night). I guess this is where a HP would come in, problem is I don't have one.

I've left a little over a week ago. AH is not the kind of A that starts harrassing, on the contrary I hardly heard from him at all (and this past 3 days his phone has been disconnected, because the bill hasn't been paid). So it feels like he really just doesn't care about me (cause if he did, he'd try to contact me) and then I get worried when I don't hear from him and I start thinking that something might have happened to him - I've gone back 3 times so far just for a few minutes - and I make excuses for why I go back, like I need to talk to him or have to pick some of my stuff up (I haven't really moved out yet - been staying at a friend's house), but in the end, part of why I'm going is to check up on him, making sure he's still alive.

LaTeeDa

Well, I thought about what to say, but the best thing that came to me was read your own signature quote.

L

Lotus2009

lol... I know I should take my own advice, huh!? It's just kinda hard not to worry about this sort of thing. I know I shouldn't worry, his choices, his life etc... but my heart has a hard time understanding that .

I wouldn't go back because of it at this point (because while I'm worried that something might happen to him, I am more worried about my own emotional health which would suffer tremendously if I was to go back), but this fear is still there in the back of my mind.

Kind_Not_Weak

I've been there. Almost 20 years ago. I left him while he went to the store... threw what I could in the car (I'd saved my pennies for six months to buy it and parked it down the street.) I escaped. From a horrid experience.

But I still worried about him. It was sick.

I just slowly realized that my waiting for the phone call that might come about his death was far better than the one that would have definitely come to my family about mine had I not gotten away. Perhaps my situation was extreme, but the net result here is the same...

It's OK to save yourself. And it's OK to expect him to do the same... for his own self.

Jadmack25

Fear of leaving my late XAH on his own in his bar area, drunk as and sound asleep, was why I stayed.......til it was him or me.

In the end I went, and then it was each daughter in turn, moving in and taking care of daddy, til first 2 fled also. Eldest read the riot act, finally moved him into a unit near to her, but after finding him unconcious 3 times from falls, and then in a diabetic coma...it was in to nursing home.

My girl refused to give up her well paid, interesting and loved job, downgrade her family standard of living to care for a drunk father, who refused to accept his alco problems, claiming he drank cause I left him. Some called her selfish...I called her smart, and her dad the selfish one.

If you want to worry yourself sick over your AH maybe getting into trouble, keep on thinking about what he is up to constantly.
Your emotional health is your business, his belongs to him, and if he isn't interested, then why should you be...let alone giving him priority over your health.

Hand him over to God, He takes care of A's and idiots every day.

God bless

transformyself

Oh yeah, mine did stupid sh1t like this too. Scary.

But in the end I cared more about my emotional health as well.
I think they can exist on the same plane.

Curious-why don't you have a HP? Are you agnostic? Cause you can still have hope.

I think it's ok to check on him, if that's where your boundary is. If you stay detached, check to see if he's alive. It's up to you cause you're the boss of you!

catlovermi

Something bad might happen to him, now that you left.

But whether you left or not, you still have no control over it.

Have to unlink the two, as they are not related; they are only falsely related by the illusion that you have control over "something bad," which in reality you don't.

CLMI

GiveLove

Something bad might happen without you there.
Something bad might happen with you there.
He is a grown man, not a child. He has the power and the responsibility to keep himself safe - you are not his appointed guardian. His life, his choice, his path. And if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies.

A good counselor will help you work through these rescuing thoughts so you can get some sleep at night and not walk back into a self-destructive situation "for his sake." I know it was very helpful for me, at least. And so freeing when I let my AX be whatever he wanted to be, live the way he wanted to live, without playing god in his life.

Hang in there lotus These are the toughest days, but they do get easier if you stay strong.

freefalling

Dear Lotus

This is his choice. His life -miserable as it is. Codependancy also leads to death. Keep yourself safe!

coffeedrinker

Lotus,

I'm in a similar spot.

Mine, too, doesn't ratchet up the contact or manipulation. I knew if I said goodbye, he would not contact me, he would just roll up into a ball and have no contact with the outside world. I can't take responsibility for that.

I think the truth is, that he (yours, mine) has always found a way to land on his feet. They do what they need to to survive, even if it's just barely. We have to see that as their choice.

Remember this is the truth that got you to leave:

Let go or be dragged

lulu1974

I worried about it too..but both times I left him..he was fine. He finds new enablers and keeps going. I finally realized there is no need to worry about him at all. He knows how to survive..When he was living with his cousin..He tried to say things to me like..I think they want me out because their in laws are coming for the holidays..or I cant get my mail routed here because I dont think my cousin would like that. Looking back..he was just lieing to get his butt back here...But at the time I believe him..although I didnt aloow him back.

queenteree

When I had just about enough of my H when he was actively drinking, he left me. HP did what I could not do. I had to detach, and did. Didn't care what he did anymore, he left, took all his retirement money, moved to our place upstate, I had the separation papers drawn up, accepted that our retirement was gone (and that was always my main concern, but hey, what could I do, what was done was done). He had alcoholic liver disease, diabetes, and hepatic encephalopathy. For years I stuck it out with him cause I didn't want him to "die alone", was worried "what happens if???". But, since he left me, it was HIS choice, so I just detached and moved on. And yeah, something did happen to him. He didn't die, but he managed to get 3 dwi's in one week, spent some time in jail, hefty fines and attorneys fees .... need I say more. I had to let go and allow him to affect his own destiny and bear his own consequences, whatever they may be. We are living together again, he is sober almost 5 mons (but take it day by day), and he is still responsible for his actions, sobriety, recovery and hopefully, for his own sake, will make the right choices. If not ... HP will take care of me again ... I'm not worried ... I made sure his choices no longer affect me. Hugs to you.

Lotus2009

As always thank you all for your replies!!!

It always helps me soo much to read your ES&H - and the friend I've been staying with is amazing, as she keeps telling me what you all here are telling me! I really need to realize that

"Something bad might happen to him, now that you left. But whether you left or not, you still have no control over it. Have to unlink the two, as they are not related"

Give Love - "you are not his appointed guardian. His life, his choice, his path. And if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies." - WOW, thanks for this! Very powerful statement... I think I might print this out and carry it around with me for a while!

and Coffeedrinker this "Let go or be dragged" I will put on a post it and stick it on my laptop!

Transform - I'm just really struggling with the HP concept - I grew up in a non-religious home and guess am somewhat of an atheist (or maybe I just need to find a way to connect with a HP - I don't know - it just all seems very foreign to me). I'm having a hard time with the saying "giving AH over to a HP" - I can say it, understand what is meant by it, but in the end it feels more like I'm giving AH over to AH (I hope I'm not offending anyone here - but I'm having a hard time feeling that there is some HP that will watch over him, but then again I'm not AH's HP either so I need to stop trying to play his savior). "If you stay detached, check to see if he's alive." - yep, but that's been my problem the past few weeks. I was having a hard time staying detached when I went over there and ended up getting really frustrated and leaving upset. I did go back over today "to talk" - and I was proud of myself for not being affected by his blaming and kindly redirecting the focus back to the issue we were trying to discuss. Anyways, I've decided now to stay at my friends house for the next month (with the possibility of getting my own place after that)!

KLM - "It's OK to save yourself. And it's OK to expect him to do the same... for his own self." Thanks!

Hammerhead

...and that's exactly what we have to do... <wink>

It doesn't matter who we turn our AH over to.... what matters is that WE DO turn them over...

We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it

This is about you...not what you make it... about him.

DMC

Lotus,
I too have struggled with the HP idea. I did grow up in a religious home, but had some experiences at a teen that shook my faith to the core. I still haven't managed to regain it, either. Suffice it to say, the focus on HP in Alanon made it a difficult subject to rectify.

I've written this paragraph about 5 times, and keep deleting it because my HP isn't yours. Ultimately, it's a force you'll have to decide on, whether it's God, nature, "The Force", Eywa, humanity, etc. But accepting that it doesn't have to be anyone's definition but my own has helped. Bottom line, it's bigger than me. (And honestly, it's still very murky in my own mind.)

I can't save my STBXAH. I do believe that his survival instincts will kick in eventually. My work experience tells me that alcoholics in general have surprisingly well developed survival instincts. Realizing I couldn't save him was a huge release. I can't save him from himself. Neither can you. And I save people professionally! That's what I do - I save people. (I'm an ER doc) Imagine how hard it was for me to accept that I couldn't save the one person I cared most about??

Hang in there. Stay NC for your own sanity.
D

isurvived

I'd just like to reach through my computer screen, grab you by the arm and lead you away from that nagging worry. Walk with you part way, until you're feeling confident in your own steps again. (living with an A can really take away many of our feelings, like confidence as an example. We get so in tune with "how are they doing, are they feeling OK?", that we forget all about our own feelings.)

I wish for you a return of your self-confidence, and direction. No second-guessing... he'll be as he is all on his own. You are not responsible for his well-being.

Trust, and take a step out there. It's so great!

1logically

I am leaving soon. But he "left" me in January with the speech that he was letting me go to "live" because he was tearing me down. That is partially true but really, it's also to get me out of the way of his drinking and remove me from his path to the bottle. My heart is broken for the loss of the man he was and has become.

I too, will worry all the time about him hitting his head, wrecking the car, falling down alone in this isolated house on the hill. Not taking care of our dog, not LIVING. I will detach for both of us - but it is hard because you are caught in the cycle of believing you MUST do something to save them from the grave. The question of "if only I had done X " is a mind killer for the sober partner....He constantly says "I wish I were dead". It kills me. I am sure many of you have heard the same thing(s).

I can only hope and pray that he WILL get a DUI to stop him from killing himself or someone else. There just seems to be no where to look but up and let this go the way it is all the way to the bottom. If I/we are lucky, he will hit it soon and survive - even thrive! on his way back to the man he was before.

My issue is like so many others - the ENABLERS ARE ALWAYS THERE TO SOFTEN THE IMPACT. The OW(s), drinking buddies, etc. Not one of them really gives a damn except to have his $$$ to pay the check, his body for drunken "moments", his business sense for their ventures and then to drink with....The solution one woman and one of his best friends had for him when he was almost falling down drunk? Give him 6 glasses of water and put him in a Range Rover with tons of steel to drive home. With no regard whatsoever to his or others' welfare. As long as she could see him the next night, and others could drink with him - hey - it's a party! I was insane that night.

Last night - he sent a text to say " I am too drunk to drive " then.....another...I am in X - then another call/text ...I am (20 mins south), then no contact, then "I want to kill myself" then... answered the phone to say he was sleeping - WHERE?? On the side of the road?? Then he hung up on me. HUNG UP ON ME. I am here recovering from surgery and he is where?? About to die? Hit someone? Kill himself? In a bar? Hotel? With someone? It's f'ing awful. But, I just prayed and asked that HP keep him safe.

He came in at 12:22 a.m. - but that is 4 hours earlier than almost every night last week.

I am sad. So sad. Moving on...praying for all of us here.

1logically

Yes. I am a the adult child of an alcoholic - he died at 35 from Legionnaire's disease but his health was so bad from drinking since he was 16, he couldn't survive the coma, complications. He was only 35!. A brillant man with talents and skills galore. But he was broken, angry and violent when drinking. My love is just 40. And he is hell bent to do this own his own even though the AA meeting is 2 mins from the house.

Like you, I worked in the profession - a Psych Nurse employed in E&S units for adolescents and then in Alcohol and Drug Addiction Rehab programs. I keep thinking I should've seen the signs...but he was relly hiding the amount of his intake. When my sister had a stroke and I was gone for 6 months? He went off the deep end. I am really examining how we ended up here but I am smart enough to know that he, like others who are addicted, are very adept at hiding things.

(((hug))) to you...