Feeling sad and guilty and numb
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Feeling sad and guilty and numb
My AH died two weeks ago today.
I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself. I'm frustrated that no one in the family knew how very much he drank. I'm sad because he spent twenty years anesthetizing himself, and feel it's partly my fault for not making his life better.
One of our friends told me AH called and drunkenly told him how much he loved me, but I'm bitter because I didn't feel loved because I figured if he really loved me, he'd stop drinking.
I'm mad because he died before we finished remodeling the house, and afraid of what will happen when people tire of giving charity to the widow.
I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself. I'm frustrated that no one in the family knew how very much he drank. I'm sad because he spent twenty years anesthetizing himself, and feel it's partly my fault for not making his life better.
One of our friends told me AH called and drunkenly told him how much he loved me, but I'm bitter because I didn't feel loved because I figured if he really loved me, he'd stop drinking.
I'm mad because he died before we finished remodeling the house, and afraid of what will happen when people tire of giving charity to the widow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Velma))
I'm so sorry. IMO you have a right to all the feelings you are going through. Grief has several "phases" and anger is one of them. I was taking a course in "death and dying" for nursing school when my mom died. I had to learn about the stage of grief (Elisabeth Kubler Ross, if you want to look them up) but I didn't realize you can go back and forth between the stages.
I tended to go from depression to anger, quite a bit and she wasn't an A...I was just angry that she died young.
Do you have friends/family for support? Not just now, but ongoing?
I hope you continue to come here, there are many supportive people here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm so sorry. IMO you have a right to all the feelings you are going through. Grief has several "phases" and anger is one of them. I was taking a course in "death and dying" for nursing school when my mom died. I had to learn about the stage of grief (Elisabeth Kubler Ross, if you want to look them up) but I didn't realize you can go back and forth between the stages.
I tended to go from depression to anger, quite a bit and she wasn't an A...I was just angry that she died young.
Do you have friends/family for support? Not just now, but ongoing?
I hope you continue to come here, there are many supportive people here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi velma,
Wow, so sorry for your loss! It took at lot of courage to post what you did. Just keep talking and others will listen here if needed. This is a tough place to be - go gently with yourself and accept whatever comes up.
Wow, so sorry for your loss! It took at lot of courage to post what you did. Just keep talking and others will listen here if needed. This is a tough place to be - go gently with yourself and accept whatever comes up.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Besides grief you have anger to process.
Sorry for your loss.
Your story is another reminder that alcoholism is a fatal disease.
It takes time to pick up the pieces of your life...be patient.
May some good come your way from all the pain
Sorry for your loss.
Your story is another reminder that alcoholism is a fatal disease.
It takes time to pick up the pieces of your life...be patient.
May some good come your way from all the pain
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hello velma,
I also am sorry you are going thru this time of grief, and having the full panoply of emotions like guilt, anger as well as the sadness of your loss.
I can relate somewhat to that. I had been apart from my XAH for nearly 20 years when he died last year, and I was hit by the same darn feelings of grief.
Our friends and his work collegues never had a clue just how he drank himself from who they knew, to a foul mouthed, mumbling old drunk on 5 litres of wine every night, and our kids only found out after I left. I had done such a good job of hiding all this, that when I left, I was of course the "bad" one, and even our family was stunned.
I still have some guilt, but it is for my eldest daughter in having to be his carer, whilst having a busy work and home life....the job that would have been mine.
Quote: I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself.
How often does this comment come from partners of A's.....frequently.
He was an alcoholic. He did what he could with what he had, but his addiction made sure that IT came first, and taking care of himself meant keeping the drink coming.
Quote: I'm frustrated that no one in the family knew how very much he drank.
Why was this? Because he behaved and controlled himself when around family?
Because you avoided family and friends a lot?
Because it was really known, but everyone was in denial, and nothing said?
Quote: I'm sad because he spent twenty years anesthetizing himself.
He was an alcoholic. That is what A's do, numbing emotion and avoiding responsibility.
Quote: I feel it's partly my fault for not making his life better.
By doing what? Advertising he was an alcoholic? Forcing him into recovery at the end of a shotgun? Turning your home into a bar, and you into a barmaid?
Quote: I'm bitter because I didn't feel loved.
I am sorry you feel this way, and know how that feels....as do many here.
I felt I was unloved, or at least not loved the way I wanted/needed to be. I know now that both my late XAH did, and my RABF does, love me...in their befuddled, selfish and lost sort of ways....Not the mature relationship love I saw others have and share.
Quote: I figured if he really loved me, he'd stop drinking.
Another classic quote from an A's partner, and often yelled at the A, to no effect.
Quote: I'm mad because he died before we finished remodeling the house.
Well, I guess that is something out of his, yours and anyone's control and you will need to face this and come to terms with maybe finishing the job yourself now. It could even prove a blessing, if you use the work involved as therapy and a way of showing yourself how capable you are at more than you knew.
Quote: I am afraid of what will happen when people tire of giving charity to me.
What sort of charity? If it is financial problems you are left with, then the sooner you get professional advice on this the better. If some other problems, then seeing the right professionals (can be voluntary organizations) ASAP, can benefit both you and your situation.
The sooner you have this all sorted out and know what you have to do, the sooner you become master of the situation, instead of being tossed around by events.
There will be times that you think you are in an emotional washing machine, and other times when you feel nothing. All this is normal, weird but normal, and it will finally pass...when the time is right for you.
Meanwhile, come here to get it off your chest, yell and scream and need someone to hear you, or when you want a hug.....there are lots of ears ready to listen and arms to wrap round you and your wounded heart.
God bless
I also am sorry you are going thru this time of grief, and having the full panoply of emotions like guilt, anger as well as the sadness of your loss.
I can relate somewhat to that. I had been apart from my XAH for nearly 20 years when he died last year, and I was hit by the same darn feelings of grief.
Our friends and his work collegues never had a clue just how he drank himself from who they knew, to a foul mouthed, mumbling old drunk on 5 litres of wine every night, and our kids only found out after I left. I had done such a good job of hiding all this, that when I left, I was of course the "bad" one, and even our family was stunned.
I still have some guilt, but it is for my eldest daughter in having to be his carer, whilst having a busy work and home life....the job that would have been mine.
Quote: I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself.
How often does this comment come from partners of A's.....frequently.
He was an alcoholic. He did what he could with what he had, but his addiction made sure that IT came first, and taking care of himself meant keeping the drink coming.
Quote: I'm frustrated that no one in the family knew how very much he drank.
Why was this? Because he behaved and controlled himself when around family?
Because you avoided family and friends a lot?
Because it was really known, but everyone was in denial, and nothing said?
Quote: I'm sad because he spent twenty years anesthetizing himself.
He was an alcoholic. That is what A's do, numbing emotion and avoiding responsibility.
Quote: I feel it's partly my fault for not making his life better.
By doing what? Advertising he was an alcoholic? Forcing him into recovery at the end of a shotgun? Turning your home into a bar, and you into a barmaid?
Quote: I'm bitter because I didn't feel loved.
I am sorry you feel this way, and know how that feels....as do many here.
I felt I was unloved, or at least not loved the way I wanted/needed to be. I know now that both my late XAH did, and my RABF does, love me...in their befuddled, selfish and lost sort of ways....Not the mature relationship love I saw others have and share.
Quote: I figured if he really loved me, he'd stop drinking.
Another classic quote from an A's partner, and often yelled at the A, to no effect.
Quote: I'm mad because he died before we finished remodeling the house.
Well, I guess that is something out of his, yours and anyone's control and you will need to face this and come to terms with maybe finishing the job yourself now. It could even prove a blessing, if you use the work involved as therapy and a way of showing yourself how capable you are at more than you knew.
Quote: I am afraid of what will happen when people tire of giving charity to me.
What sort of charity? If it is financial problems you are left with, then the sooner you get professional advice on this the better. If some other problems, then seeing the right professionals (can be voluntary organizations) ASAP, can benefit both you and your situation.
The sooner you have this all sorted out and know what you have to do, the sooner you become master of the situation, instead of being tossed around by events.
There will be times that you think you are in an emotional washing machine, and other times when you feel nothing. All this is normal, weird but normal, and it will finally pass...when the time is right for you.
Meanwhile, come here to get it off your chest, yell and scream and need someone to hear you, or when you want a hug.....there are lots of ears ready to listen and arms to wrap round you and your wounded heart.
God bless
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
That false sense of guilty, that we could have some how made their life better if we would have been 'better'. It is hard to be at one's very best or understand what one's best is when their partner is an alcoholic. We do the best we can under such a burden. Please release yourself from now picking up this burden of guilt. I consider the circumstances I lived under being married to an alcoholic lived and I show show grace to myself, excepting sometimes I only did the best i could under the circumstances. I hope you can give yourself grace, especially at this time.
I am so sorry for your loss and I pray for you as you face your tomorrows, that you will feel your load lighten.
However........ I just remembered when my mom died in november I went through the stage of guilt. That "i could have done so much better and now she is gone." It is a normal stage of grief. Reading about how it was a normal stage helped me get through it, beyond it, learning to understand it is something almost everyone goes through when someone close to them is gone .
love tammy
I am so sorry for your loss and I pray for you as you face your tomorrows, that you will feel your load lighten.
However........ I just remembered when my mom died in november I went through the stage of guilt. That "i could have done so much better and now she is gone." It is a normal stage of grief. Reading about how it was a normal stage helped me get through it, beyond it, learning to understand it is something almost everyone goes through when someone close to them is gone .
love tammy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
That is so awful. I am so sorry for what you are going through. At a time like this it would seem impossible to control how you are feeling...I would feel it too as a human dealing with grief. I hope for you that one day you will feel ok and have some good memories and be at peace.
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