lizzvoltage

Boyfriend and I were both in AA. Drugs were a huge part of his story; not as much mine, so I guess I missed the signs. Something changed within us and I thought it best we take some time off, time apart. His behaviour became more and more erratic; he staged a suicide attempt and really went off the deep end after that. Come to light he'd been using off and on the whole time we were together and before I even met him; he picked up his year chip back in December but it was a farce. He didn't even get six, seven months ever.

Now he's gone. Nobody knows where he is. He was kicked out of the house he was living in, his car was taken. He hasn't gone to work. No one knows where he's sleeping. I don't know if he's homeless or on someone's couch or using or not, I assume he is, because he's blowing my phone up with threatening/angry/loving texts (depending on his mood I guess) and I can't decide which is worse, the horrible texts or the silence when I don't hear from him for a few days and wonder if he's okay.

Sent me a message on facebook yesterday saying "This is really it" and, talking to our dog, told her to "Take good care of Mommy now, I love you".

I know I can't fix it. I know I can't do anything. But I just want to hold him. God I hope he's okay. I miss us back when we were good, because there were good, real, parts of us. I loved him. I wish I could just timewarp to another reality where it was safe to hold him, safe to be with him, I miss him so much it aches. It is aching.

I can't talk about this to people in my program really except for my sponsor. I don't want people to think I'm not strong. And that I don't know that staying away is best and he's dangerous for me, and my sobriety, and that I would be dangerous for his (if he was seeking it).

I don't know. I am sorry. It doesn't even matter, if I decided right now to throw caution to the wind and just scoop him up and hold him and kiss his face i wouldn't know where the #@$& to find him anyway. He's out, he's gone. I just want to hold him so bad and I can't and I can't.

I miss him so much I still haven't cried about this. My feelings aren't... I'm not in touch with my feelings.

Help

CarolD

I;m sorry you both are in so much pain.....

My multi addicted adult son was missing for 14 years
I imagined him being on a sunny beech...Harley by his side.
I somehow found that comforting and I prayed daily


He did finally reach out...and he was in West Palm Beech
without his old bike....but alive That's what I needed to know.

He did go up to his sisters...started working ..but the lure of
addiction drew him back. He's in Tulsa now...finished yet
another Sally de tox....not sure if he is sober or not.

All I can offer ...prayers for both of you to find peace and healing.
Again....I'm sorry to know of your pain.

sosad09

I am so sorry for your pain. I totally understand what you mean by the texts dilemma. It can disturb the day to see something coming in from them and yet when they stop you wonder about them. Isn't it amazing that they still have control over us even when they are not with us? ( we give it)
Congratulations to you on your sobriety!!! Good for you.
I wish you the best and most of the the strength to do the right thing I think we all know within ourselves what that is...it's just a matter of being able to shut the chaos and listen. Than again, I am knew to all this and might be wrong

coffeedrinker

Hey Liz,

Thanks for sharing. It is easier to get some of our true stuff out there on an anonymous forum. I would encourage you to attend nar-anon or al-anon, in addiction to a.a. there are people there that have experienced what you are. but i think working the steps is the key to unlocking the door to serentiy.

i know exactly what that pain of missing him feels like. it's like you need him, like no one else can comfort you and touch you the way he does. the illusion is that he is the only one who can. don't give in to that lie, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. it's awful and heart-wrenching, but the only way to freedom is to get and stay free from him.

Chino

I can testify to that. Instead of admitting I'm powerless over a substance, I admit I'm powerless over a person and lizz, that's what I'm reading in your post.

It was weird that I never cried when I admitted that about my daughter, but I sure did cry when it came to a situation with my nephews (not drug related). I cried every tear I held back my entire life from being powerless.

"I'm powerless" set me free and I hope it does the same for you, one more time and one day at a time.

I'm sorry you're hurting and so glad you're taking care of yourself.

cmhcali

Hi there. I went through the same thing as you. My exabf was in AA with me, my background alcohol and his drugs. He also got his farse one year coin and I knew he was using but had no proof. It got worse and I stopped hearing from him. He emailed me today as if he had just been busy but I didnt fall for it. I worked on myself and healed. I am ok and although I miss who he was he is not capable of being that person in addiction or if he is being dishonest. I know I deserve more and so do you.

Funny you are from Phoenix. I am actually going there on Thursday

lizzvoltage

If you need a good meeting in the Tempe, downtown Phoenix, or Scottsdale areas, holler

lulu1974

I understand..I missed mine. I thought I would surprise him and go see him. He didnt take this well and literally drove away from me like I am the enemy. I felt like a fool. I went to see myhusband and this is what he did after months of asking me back. He says he has moved on. He is still drinking. Now his family is all involved telling me to go away and somehow I contribute to his drinking. Even though I miss him terribly I will never make this mistale again. I have learned that he lives by different rules and he is allowed to do things but then if I try I am the bad guy. None of this makes sense and never will. I married an alcoholic and my life will never be the same. I pray a lot for guidance and try to move on...If I stay..this will make me crazy because nothing makes sense when dealing with him. Time to save myself and I hope do too. Congrats on your recovery..That is very commendable. Take care

Babs

As you already know from your AA program, nature hates a void. You don't remove something from your life without replacing it with something else.

Start working those steps with your X instead of alcohol as that which you are powerless over. He is just as poisonous to you as that first drink.

You have made it this far and that is HUGE. You can do this, Lizz.

Hugs,
Babs

cinderellawkids

Lulu, can I copy this to read when I feel weak? Its exactly what Id say if I could find the words.

Lizz, some things are best left alone. It seems when they are doing well somewhere down the line and through the grape vine you will know