MaryGoRound

As some of you (hopefully) remember, XABF did contact me and I resisted the temptation to respond via text message. Even after he played the victim card, yet again.

After talking to a few close people in my life, I decided that I had an opportunity to express myself openly and freely if I wrote to him. I knew I had to do it for me and let go of the outcome. And really, not just trying to pretend like it was. I was having a good day so I wrote to him. It was incredibly long and cleared up a lot of issues that never went discussed on my end. I made mistakes too and handled things inappropriately at times and I apologized. I told him I was still going to Al-anon, coming here, and searching for a therapist. I med amends it felt like, but the message just as easily could have been written in a journal for me. It felt great and I honestly didn't care if he wrote back.

Well, he did. He said he read it a bunch of times and wished things could have been different. and "I'll try my best to stay out of your hair"

I debated, yet again, whether its was a good idea to respond. I did.
I wrote yet another long response reiterating that I accept that there is nothing I can do or say to change anything. He can "stay out my hair" all he wants, but that is not what it is about. It was about what I will not accept.
I asked him to stay out of my life until he chose help. I explained that i would miss him and its not a testament of how much i care, but I am standing my ground.

He responded with quite a lengthy response. He owned up to how he "****** up," but yet stated "i wish you knew the extent to which I use nowadays...i don't sit around and tweak for fun anymore." And he hid from me because he was afraid of getting hurt. And not matter what he's going to struggle with this for the rest of his life, even if he's clean.

LMAO!!!! NO, REALLY?!!

I stated that although I understand this may be an improvement for him, its simply unacceptable for me and reminded him that I am here when he chooses help.

Then I got just a "<3" back.


So, I feel really good because I'm learning to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. And it feels like we communicated effectively. Or...more effectively, lol. I am annoyed with the cryptic <3..and I said I will not respond anymore. Do not contact me with anything unless you are in tangible effort towards recovery.


So I'm happy for me. I do believe he is close to bottom. I won't go into details, but I do. And I'm learning to be okay no matter what he does.
Whew. Still, so many emotions. And I feel he's starting to get it all, but not entirely. And he won't until he's in a lot of treatment. So I'm happy/secretly annoyed that he's an idiot.

DMC

Go you!

I have found that email or writing is far more effecting in getting out what *I* want to say, rather that have him dance around things.

Hang in there.

MaryGoRound

Thanks DMC.

Yeah. I have written before, but he never even acknowledged it. This time was different. Everything I wrote began with I statements and I clearly listed my boundaries. It felt great to have them clear and written down.

It is good sometimes because they can't steer the conversation or put your buttons.

However, I don't think its an effective tool to get someone to stop. I did it for me and only after he contacted me.

posiesperson

This is great, MGR. Congratulations on your hard-earned clarity and sticking to your boundaries!

I had to shake my head as I read your post. I was contacted today by my A--we're taking a break for a month. Though it wasn't stipulated as NC, it was only a DAY AND A HALF before I got contacted. It was with the expressed intention of getting something that's mine to me before my A travels for a week and a half, but still...it was nothing pressing so it feels like a "hook".

I'm trying to decide how to respond. Your post has helped me gain some insight regarding that--I don't want to be too cryptic, and yet I don't want to engage. Seems like there are minefields everywhere...I have to tread carefully, and only after putting on my armor!

Thanks for the food for thought, and congrats!

MaryGoRound

Thanks Posies.

Yeah what out for those hooks! They're everywhere.

In some ways I recognized that I did get hooked a bit, but I replied after a few days and replied in the way that I wanted to.

I made sure to not subscribe to the ********.

It feels really good, but it does bother me that he still in denial.

"I have occassional pharmaceutical slip-ups" and "yeah I prolly drink a little, or more, or A LOT than I should" he says. Which leaves me like, okay sweetheart...good for you. Still unacceptable. And if addiction is going to be part of his life as he stated, he can still do something about it! And he's still "O, but if I told you more you wouldn't believe me anyway." O poor thing, you! haha, NOT!

I'm not bending on this one! He's just now understanding to depths of my pain. He's just now understanding that I do actually care. His self-esteem is that low.

And man, I just want to rip his head out of the sand and say DUHHHHHHH!!!!! Helllo there! Welcome to Earth, where I have been here all a long.

I have to be really strong in not responding to him unless he states hes in a program and can prove it. I know I can do it now! Before I really didn't think I could.

Kassie2

Good job Marygoround! I like that you took your time to respond when you wanted. I think it is important to take stand for recovery. Good again that you found a way to tell him how you feel about him and still keep the boundary.

Keep up your instincts and remain cautious!

KeepPedaling

I cringed when I read this post Mary. Not that I haven't done exactly the same thing over and over.

I don't want to get into that back and forth business ever again. My sister not so gently told me this, "It doesn't matter what you say. You can say your 'one-more-thing' as many times as you want, but it won't fix anything between you. You broke up because it doesn't work. Why try to fix anything while you're on your way out? IT'S GOING TO STAY BROKEN. Quit wasting your time spinning your wheels and go heal!"

Now if I need to say something to him that he never understood, I write it down in my journal. I never send it because he never will understand. He didn't understand while I was with him and he won't understand now. He's too lost in his own struggle. He will never validate anything that I say or feel. He'll never make me feel more at peace or better about things, only I can do that.

Anyway, I'm glad you're making progress and standing your ground. May the force be with you.

MaryGoRound

Thanks KP!

I agree with you 100%. Our relationship has been on and off for a very long time very complicated, as I'm sure everyone else's has been too...

You are right. Only I can make peace with everything that has happened. And I needed to clarify the part about how I felt about him because it wasn't clear to him. As are many things, he'll probably never understand. But I wanted to know that MY actions were clear and I could apologize for the hurtful things I have done. I was not going to let him believe that I was doing this because I didn't care. And I know addicts will use that as a hook.

However, there were distinct times...like when we first met and he asked me out on a date and I said maybe because I was so shocked and it was the first thing that came out, when I meant yes. I never told him that. Our relationship has been VERY closed off. ON BOTH ENDS. So I wanted to explain my actions. I believe I am doing for myself what he may never do. Clear things up and apologize. I clearly stated that he is free to do what he wants and I will not be a part of his life until he gets help. In the past, I used these as threats. And this time I wanted it to be clear it was coming out of a place of self-preservation.

Its a very slippery slope, I know. Your sister is right. I will most definitely continue to vent in here, al-anon, and stick to my poetry. I have gone through the nastiness, the sadness, and now I have been able to objectively state my feelings and my plan of action. Everything is crystal clear. And I can keep working on myself.

I feel this is a big step because normally, with that initial text I would have stopped what I was doing and headed over there, even. He doesn't reach out often so I would eagerly join him in denying nothing had happened. Now I have acknowledged MY PART. And I am also working on forgiving myself for believing in a fantasy.

I'm sure there are some who have read my post and scoffed it off as another stab at trying to fix, but I have done nothing but explain myself and ask him to stop contacting me until he gets help.

KeepPedaling

When I first came to this forum, I was amazed at how A's were so much alike. I was so focused on learning about him that I didn't really notice how much codie's are alike. Now, I'm over and over saying to myself, "I SO did that too!"

Mary, I SO did that too! I told him that the way he was living his life was emotionally damaging to me, so I'd have to leave if he continued to live that way (drinking) - I too wanted him to know that I wasn't choosing to be apart from him because I didn't love him, but because it was self-preservation. ::: sigh ::: He chose to keep drinking of course.

I explained myself to him again and told him not to contact me until he quit drinking. He would wait, and then when I started to feel better, he'd send me some drunk text or email or phone call.

Finally, I got to a point where I just had to stop everything. I was sinking. I didn't want to do anything. I kept hanging on for when he would "get better" and fix things for us. He'd realize how great things could be with me, and save the day and we'd be happily ever after.

That's how it went for me anyway. It was HARD to let go of the fantasy. Really hard. But I don't think it happens in a day. I think it happens a little at a time. You let go of what you can each day and for every part you let go of, you grab on to something else - a better goal, a healthier future, etc - until it's not so scary when it finally happens.

I really hate the expression "moving on". I hate the finality of it. I don't like to even think of it. I like "graduating" better. I can't remember who told me I graduated (coffee maybe - I'll have to check the threads). I like the idea of learning a lot in school and then graduating. My xabf was a school - I learned a lot about myself, I survived the tests, and I graduated.

I'm rambling a bit. Sorry. Hope you have a great weekend!

TheShire

Courage, you got it!!
Good for you!

Peace!

barb dwyer

*I* saw a bit of 'line and hook' goin on
but you pulled off in time....

good for you!!!!!


*does the happy dance*

MaryGoRound

I realize my title should have a "?" mark, lol. But I feel it was right. I needed an opportunity to voice my boundaries when he wasn't wasted and i wasn't pissed. I wan't to post his reply in here because all of the hooks are clear as day, aren't they?

"I've read your messages a few times now...I wish things could be different. I'll try my best to stay out of your hair for good..i guess.he ting that kills me is that you havent really seen all of me still. im sorry, but nonstop accosting for my habitual nature isnt the way to my heart either. i dont know why im having some issue with tossing my hands up and saying **** it, its weird. i guess i dont really have much to say for myself that i think you would believe. i also know i have some "traditional" addict characteristics, but thats a fight im going to live with the rest of my life, clean, dry, dirty or drunk. i know thats probably something you dont want to hear, but im being honest, regardless of how big of a liar you think i am. im also going to be honest about what i thought i meant to you..... ive had some people treat me horribly, and they were all girls that werent exactly, how do put this, "my type". guess it just always served as intimidation or something, i had been waiting for something stupid horrible to happen, so i hid. i really wish you knew the extent of how i use now a days. its not like im still sitting around smoking tweak for fun anymore. yeah, i have some pharmaceutic slip ups once again amongst other things, and yeah i have a little, or a lot, too much to drink more then i probably should......but theres no point in trying to convince you of the **** ive tried to tell you who knows how many times.

retrospect: we both kind of ****** up, more so me.....i can be an adult and admit to it. i dont know what else to say really.....it wont make a difference even if you do believe it"


ALL OF THE CLASSICS ARE IN THERE! And now I see 'em .