Figuring out conflict in relationships
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Figuring out conflict in relationships
Good morning!
I'm currently in a long-distance relationship (we've been together 2 years). My girlfriend lives about 6 hours away, and our plan was for me to get a job near her and move in with her after my graduation, in May. I have some upcoming interviews for jobs I'm really excited about, and everything has been great.
Last night she told me that she just found out about a great apprenticeship opportunity that she wants to apply for. She doesn't think she'll get it, but if she does, she'll be placed in an yet-undetermined location in the US for two years.
I'm having a hard time sorting out what to do, think, or feel, what's normal and what's not, what's reasonable and what's not, what's related to being ACoA and what's not. I know stress about graduating is definitely part of it, too! On a practical level, I know we have to figure out what will work for us and our relationship, discuss, compromise, and talk it through. But I'm also in a total panic. I feel stupid and embarrassed that I was willing to put myself out there and commit to limiting my job search to this location and she decided later not to. There is a part of me that's terrified that being together isn't a priority for her, and a part of me that is worried about being needy and controlling.
What I want more than anything is for her to do something that will reassure me, but I'm not sure a)if that will happen, or b)if it's even possible. I have to figure out how to get to the open communication part of this, but I'm having a hard time getting past the "but you must not love me!!" freak out. Any advice?
I'm currently in a long-distance relationship (we've been together 2 years). My girlfriend lives about 6 hours away, and our plan was for me to get a job near her and move in with her after my graduation, in May. I have some upcoming interviews for jobs I'm really excited about, and everything has been great.
Last night she told me that she just found out about a great apprenticeship opportunity that she wants to apply for. She doesn't think she'll get it, but if she does, she'll be placed in an yet-undetermined location in the US for two years.
I'm having a hard time sorting out what to do, think, or feel, what's normal and what's not, what's reasonable and what's not, what's related to being ACoA and what's not. I know stress about graduating is definitely part of it, too! On a practical level, I know we have to figure out what will work for us and our relationship, discuss, compromise, and talk it through. But I'm also in a total panic. I feel stupid and embarrassed that I was willing to put myself out there and commit to limiting my job search to this location and she decided later not to. There is a part of me that's terrified that being together isn't a priority for her, and a part of me that is worried about being needy and controlling.
What I want more than anything is for her to do something that will reassure me, but I'm not sure a)if that will happen, or b)if it's even possible. I have to figure out how to get to the open communication part of this, but I'm having a hard time getting past the "but you must not love me!!" freak out. Any advice?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
One of my favorite slogans is, "Don't bleed 'til you're shot." What I'm hearing is a lot of obsessing and worrying about things that haven't happened yet -- and, from what you're saying, aren't even that likely to happen. (I'm looking for work myself, and I can tell you, this is by far the worst job market I've seen since I graduated from college in 1985. It's hard to even get an unpaid internship right now.)
So basically, chill out. Having said that, it would certainly not make sense to pack up and move to a town where... the reason for moving there might not be living there anymore, in a few months. (I'm lousy at giving advice -- and in the Program™, we're really not supposed to do that anyway... but you did ask!)
T
So basically, chill out. Having said that, it would certainly not make sense to pack up and move to a town where... the reason for moving there might not be living there anymore, in a few months. (I'm lousy at giving advice -- and in the Program™, we're really not supposed to do that anyway... but you did ask!)
T
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm not in the Program, so I can give all the advice I want 
Of course, you are completely free to ignore any and all of it.
What I'm hearing from you is that you had an expectation that she would also limit her job search to the region you were planning on moving to, and now she's sprung this can of worms on you that she was not planning on doing so.
In short, you expected one thing, and got another. Guess what? ACoA or not, when we have an expectation - especially one we're looking forward to - and that gets yanked out from under us, we're going to feel *something*. It may be hurt, it may be a violation of trust, it nearly always comes out as anger or need for reassurance. That's human nature. And the more you love/trust someone, the more intense the feeling will be.
Did you two have an agreement that *both* of you would limit your searches to one specific area? If so, then you have every right to ask her why she violated her statement. If you didn't have an agreement, it means you made an assumption and didn't check your assumption with her. Which means she had no idea of what sort of picture of y'alls future you had in your head. And while that would still be disappointing, you would need to step up and say "honey, I know we didn't ever verbalize this, but I was under the impression that... and now I'm hurt and not sure what to do with my hurt."
I agree with Tromboneliness that it does sound like you're bleeding before you're shot. What I described above is a way of asking her if she meant to shoot you, or if you shot yourself. First you need to figure out if she did shoot you. And if you shot yourself, then it's time for some navel gazing to sort out how to prevent yourself from shooting yourself again.
But first thing's first - get some clarity of what she thought the agreement was versus what you thought it was. It's entirely possible that she was not on the same page as you were - and that doesn't mean that you're wrong or she's wrong. It's possible that it was simply a miscommunication or misunderstanding that was absolutely nobody's fault.
I would guess that the ACoA in you makes this significantly more emotionally charged than it might be for someone who is not an ACoA - but I doubt that it's entirely ACoA related.
Of course, you are completely free to ignore any and all of it.What I'm hearing from you is that you had an expectation that she would also limit her job search to the region you were planning on moving to, and now she's sprung this can of worms on you that she was not planning on doing so.
In short, you expected one thing, and got another. Guess what? ACoA or not, when we have an expectation - especially one we're looking forward to - and that gets yanked out from under us, we're going to feel *something*. It may be hurt, it may be a violation of trust, it nearly always comes out as anger or need for reassurance. That's human nature. And the more you love/trust someone, the more intense the feeling will be.
Did you two have an agreement that *both* of you would limit your searches to one specific area? If so, then you have every right to ask her why she violated her statement. If you didn't have an agreement, it means you made an assumption and didn't check your assumption with her. Which means she had no idea of what sort of picture of y'alls future you had in your head. And while that would still be disappointing, you would need to step up and say "honey, I know we didn't ever verbalize this, but I was under the impression that... and now I'm hurt and not sure what to do with my hurt."
I agree with Tromboneliness that it does sound like you're bleeding before you're shot. What I described above is a way of asking her if she meant to shoot you, or if you shot yourself. First you need to figure out if she did shoot you. And if you shot yourself, then it's time for some navel gazing to sort out how to prevent yourself from shooting yourself again.
But first thing's first - get some clarity of what she thought the agreement was versus what you thought it was. It's entirely possible that she was not on the same page as you were - and that doesn't mean that you're wrong or she's wrong. It's possible that it was simply a miscommunication or misunderstanding that was absolutely nobody's fault.
I would guess that the ACoA in you makes this significantly more emotionally charged than it might be for someone who is not an ACoA - but I doubt that it's entirely ACoA related.
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