Is this "recovery" behavior?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
Is this "recovery" behavior?
Sorry for the long post but I'm confused and want to get some insight from those of you more experienced with alcoholic behavior.
I've only posted on this forum once but have been lurking a lot. 2 months ago my boyfriend of 5 months confessed to me that he was an 9.5 year sober alcoholic who relapsed before he met me. I of course was shocked as he hid his drinking fairly well. I saw no signs of alcohol being an issue or faced any of the horror stories I've read about in this forum. I felt betrayed, a little conned and like the relationship I thought I was having was all a lie.
He returned to AA and says he's been sober 60 days. About a month ago I decided to end the romantic relationship. He asked if we could remain "in touch" and wanted to "stay connected" but seemed to agree that he was in no position to be in a relationship right now. I told him that I could try to remain friends but indicated that I needed total honesty from him in order to do that - no more lies or witholding.
Part of the reason I ended it was because he didn't seem to be following through with his stated recovery plan. His first declaration was 90 meetings in 90 days. When I'd speak to him, it was clear he hadn't been attending meetings for days at a time. When I asked, "when was the last time went to a meeting". There were lots of excuses about why he didn't go today or yesterday but he'd go tomorrow. I would tell him he didn't need to explain himself to me, that I was just making an observation that he wasn't really doing what he said he was going to do.
Fast forward and we are really struggling to maintain any type of what I would consider "healthy" contact. He will send an email that seems honest, talking about his program and how he is. I will respond with how I am, the work I'm doing in therapy and then he'll go dark for a week or 10 days. He'll resurface with a text "oh thanks for the email". He's done this a few times now and it's really bothering me. Something in my gut says something isn't right. So I simply ask him, "why do you ignore my emails? You claim you want to stay connected but you ignore my emails and it leaves me with a really negative feeling. I told him I wasn't angry but that I didn't want to put myself in a position where I felt like my thoughts and feelings were being dismissed or ignored - not good for me. So he responds with a tyraid of an email, lots of excuses as to why he hasn't responded including he hasn't been able to be online (which I know is a lie - I can see his activity on Facebook because we're friends). The entire email is a rant "poor me, I never do anything right in your eyes. You demand so much, I couldn't possibly ever meet your expectations. I don't respond in your time frame and I'm an F*** idiot." The whole email seemed to blame me for the demise of the entire relationship. Really?
I've decided to end all contact at this point. I've blocked his emails and phone number. I'm just really confused. Is this behavior typical for alcoholics in early recovery or do you suspect he's not really working a program? I know it probably doesn't matter at this point. My head tells me I'm doing the right thing - I'm looking at his email as sort of a gift. But I do wonder if I should have been more sensitive to where he is.
I've only posted on this forum once but have been lurking a lot. 2 months ago my boyfriend of 5 months confessed to me that he was an 9.5 year sober alcoholic who relapsed before he met me. I of course was shocked as he hid his drinking fairly well. I saw no signs of alcohol being an issue or faced any of the horror stories I've read about in this forum. I felt betrayed, a little conned and like the relationship I thought I was having was all a lie.
He returned to AA and says he's been sober 60 days. About a month ago I decided to end the romantic relationship. He asked if we could remain "in touch" and wanted to "stay connected" but seemed to agree that he was in no position to be in a relationship right now. I told him that I could try to remain friends but indicated that I needed total honesty from him in order to do that - no more lies or witholding.
Part of the reason I ended it was because he didn't seem to be following through with his stated recovery plan. His first declaration was 90 meetings in 90 days. When I'd speak to him, it was clear he hadn't been attending meetings for days at a time. When I asked, "when was the last time went to a meeting". There were lots of excuses about why he didn't go today or yesterday but he'd go tomorrow. I would tell him he didn't need to explain himself to me, that I was just making an observation that he wasn't really doing what he said he was going to do.
Fast forward and we are really struggling to maintain any type of what I would consider "healthy" contact. He will send an email that seems honest, talking about his program and how he is. I will respond with how I am, the work I'm doing in therapy and then he'll go dark for a week or 10 days. He'll resurface with a text "oh thanks for the email". He's done this a few times now and it's really bothering me. Something in my gut says something isn't right. So I simply ask him, "why do you ignore my emails? You claim you want to stay connected but you ignore my emails and it leaves me with a really negative feeling. I told him I wasn't angry but that I didn't want to put myself in a position where I felt like my thoughts and feelings were being dismissed or ignored - not good for me. So he responds with a tyraid of an email, lots of excuses as to why he hasn't responded including he hasn't been able to be online (which I know is a lie - I can see his activity on Facebook because we're friends). The entire email is a rant "poor me, I never do anything right in your eyes. You demand so much, I couldn't possibly ever meet your expectations. I don't respond in your time frame and I'm an F*** idiot." The whole email seemed to blame me for the demise of the entire relationship. Really?
I've decided to end all contact at this point. I've blocked his emails and phone number. I'm just really confused. Is this behavior typical for alcoholics in early recovery or do you suspect he's not really working a program? I know it probably doesn't matter at this point. My head tells me I'm doing the right thing - I'm looking at his email as sort of a gift. But I do wonder if I should have been more sensitive to where he is.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Well, I do know that for some people if they don't actually log out of FB they appear to be online...but obviously if you're seeing comments by him and such, that's not the case.
You know healthy recovery when you see it. You can tell when someone is working their program and working towards a goal. Honesty.
This doesn't sound like it to me.
You know healthy recovery when you see it. You can tell when someone is working their program and working towards a goal. Honesty.
This doesn't sound like it to me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
1) "...I've decided to end all contact at this point..."
2) "...Is this behavior typical for alcoholics in early recovery or do you suspect he's not really working a program?..."
Just a brief response here..........RE:
1) GOODONYA!!!!!
2) Neither. This behavior is typical of an active A.
NoelleR
2) "...Is this behavior typical for alcoholics in early recovery or do you suspect he's not really working a program?..."
Just a brief response here..........RE:
1) GOODONYA!!!!!
2) Neither. This behavior is typical of an active A.
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by ShockedGF 
"poor me, I never do anything right in your eyes. You demand so much, I couldn't possibly ever meet your expectations. I don't respond in your time frame and I'm an F*** idiot."
.
They're all the same guy....I swear
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I will have an educated guess and say, from your story content, that he may haved talked recovery but is not walking it. His actions scream ACTIVE alcoholic.
Congrats on your actions and going NC from your side.
God bless
Congrats on your actions and going NC from your side.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
in my experience, the two biggest telltale signs of using, or getting close to using, are
poor contact/going missing and negative, blaming attitude.
you are very correct, and wise to trust your gut. you checked out what you were sensing, called him on his poor follow-through, got the validation (not doing what he said he would) and now made a smart decision. thing is, even if he wasn't actually drinking, or sliding down that slope toward drinking, why would you want to set yourself up for someone who cannot be a real friend and answer your email for 10 days, or not be truthful with you?!!
good job
poor contact/going missing and negative, blaming attitude.
you are very correct, and wise to trust your gut. you checked out what you were sensing, called him on his poor follow-through, got the validation (not doing what he said he would) and now made a smart decision. thing is, even if he wasn't actually drinking, or sliding down that slope toward drinking, why would you want to set yourself up for someone who cannot be a real friend and answer your email for 10 days, or not be truthful with you?!!
good job
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
That doesn't sound like recovery to me. I think that you definitely made the right decision to lose contact with him. I'm glad that you learned this about him so soon, before your relationship got anymore serious. I'm proud of you for breaking contact.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 24
Thanks you guys. I was pretty torn up about all of this the past few months. Went through all the expected emotions - mad as hell, almost dibilitating sadness, fantasy thinking, "well, he's getting help so maybe it can still work out". The thing is, his behavior has TOTALLY changed since he told me the truth and said he was getting help. He's not the same person I was having a relationship with. He never went missing or blew me off when he was actively drinking. Those things have only started happening since the admission. And in the month since we agreed to break off the romantic portion of the relationship, it's been a disaster.
As far as what I'm doing for me, I've been learning about Al-Anon. I wasn't sure I really belonged there but think I'm finding out differently. I have a long time friend who's been in the program for 17 years and I've been spending a lot of time talking to her and have decided to join her at her home group meeting on Tues. I found it interesting that he seemed to discourage me when I mentioned Al-Anon. When I asked him straight out if it bothered him, he back peddled, said no but asked me to read the To The Wives chapter in the Big Book BEFORE I went. I've read Co-Dependant No More recently which seemed to answer a lot of questions about how I find myself here at all.
I'm actually seeing his mean and blaming email as a gift at this point. It was like a light switch went off in my head - "You are DONE" with this. I don't even feel that sad - except for him. I've known him since high school and reconnected with him on Facebook. He was the guy everyone wanted to be back then - star quarterback, handsome, all American guy. I felt so lucky to get a chance to date him after all these years. Now I'm just thanking my lucky stars that I didn't get in too deep.
As far as what I'm doing for me, I've been learning about Al-Anon. I wasn't sure I really belonged there but think I'm finding out differently. I have a long time friend who's been in the program for 17 years and I've been spending a lot of time talking to her and have decided to join her at her home group meeting on Tues. I found it interesting that he seemed to discourage me when I mentioned Al-Anon. When I asked him straight out if it bothered him, he back peddled, said no but asked me to read the To The Wives chapter in the Big Book BEFORE I went. I've read Co-Dependant No More recently which seemed to answer a lot of questions about how I find myself here at all.
I'm actually seeing his mean and blaming email as a gift at this point. It was like a light switch went off in my head - "You are DONE" with this. I don't even feel that sad - except for him. I've known him since high school and reconnected with him on Facebook. He was the guy everyone wanted to be back then - star quarterback, handsome, all American guy. I felt so lucky to get a chance to date him after all these years. Now I'm just thanking my lucky stars that I didn't get in too deep.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there ShockedGF, and pleased to "meet" you
The answer to your original question "Is this "recovery" behavior?" is like the joke about asking the Ferrari salesman if you can afford a Ferrari: If you have to ask, the answer is "no"
The "Big Book" was written by alcoholics, for alcoholics, back in the 1930's. The Chapter to the wives was _not_ written by the wives. Al-anon didn't even exist back then. This all happend back in the day when there was only 100 AA's in the whole world, they would all park their cars outside somebody's house where the meeting was being held, and the spouses would wait outside in the cars. Not talking to each other.
Some years later the wife of one of the first AA's said she'd had enough of that nonsense, went outside and invited all the spouses into the house. Then they wrote their own book.
I think the "Chapter to the wives" is interesting from an archeological perspective. It helps me understand my 98yr old mother a little better, and how the world was a very different place back then. It certainly explains a lot about my grandmother.
What has helped _me_ the most is books written by alanoids, for alanoids. Such as the one you mentioned. There's plenty other books like that. When you go to that meeting with your friend be sure to check out the literature table, there's tons of great material there, I think you're going to like it
Mike
The answer to your original question "Is this "recovery" behavior?" is like the joke about asking the Ferrari salesman if you can afford a Ferrari: If you have to ask, the answer is "no"
Originally Posted by ShockedGF
...read the To The Wives chapter in the Big Book BEFORE I went. I've read Co-Dependant No More recently which ....
Some years later the wife of one of the first AA's said she'd had enough of that nonsense, went outside and invited all the spouses into the house. Then they wrote their own book.
I think the "Chapter to the wives" is interesting from an archeological perspective. It helps me understand my 98yr old mother a little better, and how the world was a very different place back then. It certainly explains a lot about my grandmother.
What has helped _me_ the most is books written by alanoids, for alanoids. Such as the one you mentioned. There's plenty other books like that. When you go to that meeting with your friend be sure to check out the literature table, there's tons of great material there, I think you're going to like it
Mike
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