navysteve

Where to begin. This is a tough one for me, because it is one of those grey areas ( you know, one of those things that has a right time and place, problem is I often pick the wrong one on both spectrum's). I do have a general guide:

If it is behavior I am witnessing in others I keep my mouth shut. There is one caveat, if it is a friend and I see it going on and on for a period of time I say something. I try to do it when others are not around, I find people ( myself included) are less receptive when called out on the carpet. I see this happen after and before meetings all the time. People gather around one person and issue a public character assassination. I guess we in the fellowship become kinda immune to this because a certain percentage of us have experienced interventions. The difference is, in an intervention it is usually your closest friends and loved ones calling you out on your ****, in an church parking lot before a meeting it is a public spectacle.

One on one works best if the intent is to get your message of concern received. A friend who was screwing three different married women in the fellowship was not swayed by public opinion. He justified all his actions ( they all have over a year, I am lonely etc...) but one on one we were able to talk openly. Of course had I never broached the subject it never would have been dealt with, he would have paid a terrible price for his actions.

But our culture is all about calling people out, turn on daytime TV. Who's baby daddy is it, number one, two or three? This bleeds over into AA, since we are merely a snapshot of our broader culture, we are not immune to these traps, but for us, these types of traps can prove deadly.

So, how do you call people out? And what is your motivation? I know for me when I do it in public it is often a result of frustration, even here online I have shown my spiritual a$$ a time or two.
How about you?

FanofJoeMcQ

If I really think someone else's behavior in the rooms is detrimental to their life or the meeting on a whole, well, if I knew them well enough --sure I would express concern. One on One.

Otherwise, I keep my mouth shut. I have a long fuse and when I go, its ugly, so since getting sober, I have learned that I can't address anything without sounding off elsewhere. Sponsor, fellow friend, counselor. I am still socially inept to take the first jab at a situation. I have to wait and work it thru, pray, find words that don't hurt.

I am not afraid of confrontation. I do know that heated argument is what landed my butt in juvie and later jail. So I walk away more often than not --now a days. I have yet to get ganged up on in a meeting. I have seen it occur to others. Not that I am angel at meetings.....just hasn't happened to me yet. I had one man tell me my sponsor was a B*tch...I nodded and said thank you.

She was also in jail too~ so I guess we make a statement as reformed bad girls.

I personally don't want to participate in the current trend of pants-ing people. The Jerry Springer crap. If I know someone else's personal garbage I keep it to myself. I don't blast it. Not my place. (The part of step 10 drilled into my skull) I certainly don't stand around listening to a group of blabbers who are talking personal things about a person who isn't there. NOT my style. I will wait and see the person and hear it myself.

PS I can't stand the new text tattle tales either. My step girls were going to do it because the school was offering bonus grades to report people. I said unless its brutality or murder, I'd mind my own business.

Sugah

I think there are only two motives (that are occurring to me now) to call someone out: love and concern -- and the concern doesn't need to be primarily for the one acting badly.

I belong to a pretty tight home group. Not cliquish. Tight. Loving. If I'm concerned about another friend, it's very likely that others are, too, so I go to the people whom I know are motivated by love. We don't gang up on anyone, but just like a 12 step call, we don't go alone. And even though we're all spiritual brothers and sisters, we usually let the guys take care of the guys and the girls take care of the girls. Doesn't mean I won't call up a brother to express concern for another brother and ask that he intercede. But especially if it has to do with inappropriate sex conduct, it's not a good idea that I, as a woman, confront another man. All kinds of defensive BS comes into play.

If we see someone harming others by his or her action, we do the same. It's usually some of the many different manifestations of 13th stepping. Our meetings aren't hunting grounds -- not for sex, not for money, not for free labor and not for power-tripping.

So, good on you for talking to your friend. My friends don't cosign my BS. I've been called out for certain things -- trying to be superwoman, saying "I'm FINE" through clenched teeth, that kind of thing. And those who know me can usually call me out with a much-understood question: "How's that working out for you?" I get the message. And I appreciate that it's been communicated -- because I know these folks love me. How lucky am I? How lucky is your friend?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

CarolD

One on one...always works best in my experience.

My motivation? To calmly it to their attention
then share how I worked thru something similar.

The key? I must disengage my ego..

Fenian_Man

"Grouping" people has no place in the rooms (or in the parking lots) of AA. Anyone remember Synanon? My home group has a specific paragraph in the script to the effect that we are not a feelings, confrontation, or growth group.

I would see Traditions 1,2,5, 9, and 12 as applying here.

Boleo

Good sponsors care about peoples feelings.

The best sponsors care about peoples LIFE.

Sometimes the good is the enemy of the best.

navysteve

I used to say that the most spiritual thing I could do in this case was mind my own business. In other words, don't get my hands dirty. Today that actually makes me cringe. Once our eyes are opened it is difficult to shut them again

RobbyRobot

Calling people out can be done either in a more public situation or a more private one, it really depends on the circumstances, i would think. It's a matter of purpose and helpfulness, of compassion and understanding, when considering calling someone out.

I don't think any hard and fast rules apply, just the moral character of the person calling the other out is the deciding influence. Motivations born from frustrations and dishonesty are hurtful and damaging in private as well as public. Intimidation also can be both experienced in private or public places.

Responsibility in a discussion is a shared thing, and calling someone out i believe requires a sense of duty to that shared responsibility. Empathy and sympathy are not just buzzwords to throw around. Giving someone an accurate and honest appreciation of their behaviours can be a positive experience if the giver is also willing to hear some helpful advice and directions.

RR