crazytrain

I guess I kind of liked my AH being in jail (6 months so far). He was such a disgusting and evil person when he went in. His evil crimes and lies helped me to 'get over' him. There is a point where the love just dies for someone once they have crossed a line in committing crime to feed their addiction.
He is going to get out this week, maybe even later today. He has no money, clothes, or even a winter jacket.
I'm scared.
He wont hurt us but I worry about the 'crazies' once he relapses....and I know he will....I've read here enough....they allways seem to relapse....
It's been nice to talk to him on the phone while he's been in jail. Same old story...he was once a great man (when sober!).
While in jail I've managed to get a legal separation, and full custody of the kids.
He doesn't argue with me anymore. He agrees and respects every and all rules I have set down. (ie re kids, the separation, visitation etc....)
He knows the kids are healthy and happy with me. He only wants to make it easy for us ....not get in the way or make problems....
HOWEVER.....
I know he will become evil and a liar and steal from us again.
I've even told him he would relapse and he may as well just leave us alone, I told him there is no hope for him.
Of course he tells me I'm mean and I'm not God and can't predict a relapse.
I'm just too angry and fed up to hope for him. I just wish he was not my childrens father. We could be done with for good.
I'm scarred.
All those angry feelings are coming back....I'm so scarred he's going to steal my walet or something...just stupid stuff like that is starting the 'crazy' again.
....and I thought I was over it!!

suki44883

You can't change the fact that he is the father of your children, however you don't have to allow him in your home. Change the locks, and deal with him ONLY when necessary regarding the children. You don't have to live in fear and you don't have to live with him. This might be a good time to go ahead and file for divorce.

hello-kitty

I understand your fears. This is a great time to write down your boundaries and tape them to your bathroom mirror.

cinderellawkids

As part of the legal seperation can you ask for set times to see kids, or even supervised? Remember you dont have to answer the door and you can make it difficult to break in. If he breaks something to break in and steal you can then obtain a restraining order

Impurrfect

((Crazytrain)) - now would be a good time for boundaries. If you are legally separated, have full custody of the kids, then he has no legal right to even be IN your house. If he wants to see the kids, meet him at McDonald's or somewhere. He can't steal from you if he's not close enough to get to anything.

I'm an RA and left my XABF#3 because he was still using. The last few times I was around him, my purse, wallet, car keys, cell phone..ANYTHING I valued never left my sight because I knew how he was. Most was locked in my car trunk and I had the keys in my jeans pocket.

BTW, I had heard the same stuff from him when HE was in jail...all kinds of promises. He never followed through. We didn't have kids but he had kids from a previous marriage and he hadn't seen his younger boys in over 10 years. Dope was more important.

So....focus on you and the kids..what YOU want for you all in life. Let him focus on him, and do what he's going to do....because he's going to anyway.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

crazytrain

I have it very clear in the separation agreement that all visits (times/amount scheduled in agreement) are suppervised....this is good and bad as I am the one who does the 'supervising'...
He will never have unsupervised visits unless he has independant medical proof for 6 months and then on a testing schedule I decide (to catch a relapse etc).
There is no one else to do this but me. I have no family close and few friends (it's a new city for me) I live in a very snoby, wealthy area....(funny because we are broke!)...only a few people know of my situation... and most of them have 'let me go' as I'm too much 'bad karma'.
I dont' want to move anymore, My AH made us move all the time to run away from people he stole from etc...

PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME IDEAS OF THE BOUNDRIES I SHOULD SET UP!!!
it's hard to see what I should do.
I need some guidelines from people who have been there.

ItsmeAlice

I agree with the boundaries. Let him do what he's going to do in regards to any relapse or such. You have every legal right to keep him away from your home, your kids, and yourself if he using. You've done so well to establish that distance while he's been in jail, and now it may be tested.

If it were me, I'd probably start a list of boundaries with something like...

1) If I encounter him in anyway I feel uncomfortable with (ie: under the influence, raging, uninvited at the doorstep.) I will sever the contact immediately (hang up the phone, shut the door and call police, or grab up kids and drive off etc.)

*Remember it's not about policing his drug use. Make it about you. If your uneasy, then it's time to shut him out. He will learn in time he gets nowhere with you if he's high, beligerent, raging etc.

2) I will avail myself of all resources I need regardless of any perceived shame to maintain a healthy environment for me and my children.

* You mention that few people know and it's a snobby area that you're living in. This is a recipe for feelings of shame about the situation if cops are called to remove him from the propery or such. Such feelings are what addiction (and abuse/manipulation) relies on to stay alive. Disavow the feelings in favor of snuffing out the addiction.

Just my thoughts.

Hang in there! He may go right back to his old lifestyle, but you don't have to go back to your's. Keep on moving on!!

Alice