Pain and Progress
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Pain and Progress
As you may have read in a previous post, my divorce is proceeding with amazing fairness. Perhaps threatening him with not dropping the charges on the order of protection potentially causing him to be deported may have been a motivation, not sure. Whatever it was, I'm glad of it. There's a distinct possibility the divorce may be final in less than a month. Amazing considering the divorce battles I've know about that go on for ages.
The prescription meds that my wonderful doc prescribed are kicking in and helping a LOT. Rarely do I have whole days that I feel like I can't make it through. It's been good for 2 weeks now. Mostly. Until...
As you may remember, I blocked him from FB, but I still have access to what used to be our joint account, and can view all his debit transactions. Every week or so I bring up all the transactions he's made and print them in case we go to court. There I can show how often he goes to liquor stores, bars, and has joined dating services (one JUST popped up while I was writing this, ugh). So, the other day I was on the bank account and I saw that one town away he had spent almost $100 at a bar/restaurant, then a hotel. Considering that if he had not wanted to drink and drive, he would have called a cab, there is only one other reason he'd be spending the night in a hotel one town away.
I managed to hold it together most of the afternoon, but was on my way to a dinner with some church ladies when I broke down into gut wrenching sobs. As soon as I walked in the restaurant, somebody asked me how I was, and I broke down again. Those beautiful ladies surrounded me and kept me from going back home and mourning alone. That was Friday. I'm still struggling today, but would have been much worse had it not been for them. And church today and a ladies, singles Valentine's day luncheon. But... now I'm home thinking about taking a Xanax or a glass of wine.
Blah.
Time, doing the right things for myself (counseling, exercise, eating well, losing weight, prescriptions meds, church, work) are all helping. But O-M-G does it feel like it's taking for freaking ever. Sometimes/often the pain is mind boggling. I know... time heals. Sigh.
I'm usually such a positive, upbeat person and hate being this way.
Time. Mourn. Heal. I know.
I'm just glad you guys are here.
XO-Tigg
The prescription meds that my wonderful doc prescribed are kicking in and helping a LOT. Rarely do I have whole days that I feel like I can't make it through. It's been good for 2 weeks now. Mostly. Until...
As you may remember, I blocked him from FB, but I still have access to what used to be our joint account, and can view all his debit transactions. Every week or so I bring up all the transactions he's made and print them in case we go to court. There I can show how often he goes to liquor stores, bars, and has joined dating services (one JUST popped up while I was writing this, ugh). So, the other day I was on the bank account and I saw that one town away he had spent almost $100 at a bar/restaurant, then a hotel. Considering that if he had not wanted to drink and drive, he would have called a cab, there is only one other reason he'd be spending the night in a hotel one town away.
I managed to hold it together most of the afternoon, but was on my way to a dinner with some church ladies when I broke down into gut wrenching sobs. As soon as I walked in the restaurant, somebody asked me how I was, and I broke down again. Those beautiful ladies surrounded me and kept me from going back home and mourning alone. That was Friday. I'm still struggling today, but would have been much worse had it not been for them. And church today and a ladies, singles Valentine's day luncheon. But... now I'm home thinking about taking a Xanax or a glass of wine.
Blah.
Time, doing the right things for myself (counseling, exercise, eating well, losing weight, prescriptions meds, church, work) are all helping. But O-M-G does it feel like it's taking for freaking ever. Sometimes/often the pain is mind boggling. I know... time heals. Sigh.
I'm usually such a positive, upbeat person and hate being this way.
Time. Mourn. Heal. I know.
I'm just glad you guys are here.
XO-Tigg
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It is a double edge sword seeing what he is up to, or in this case getting just a hint of what he is up to and guessing at the rest.
I realize you are printing these things out for the divorce, and I hope it serves a purpose for you so that your hurt is not in vain.
I am bolstered by the fact that you have a support system at the ready to keep you in the here and now and hold you up when needed. For that you are truly blessed.
Please consider asking one of those angels to be the one to print up those documents for you and provide them for your attorney. I know it is not worth paying counsel to do the paperwork, we have to save our pennies some how, but having someone else's eyes see what is ultimately too painful for you and only serves to set you back would bemy heartfelt suggestion.
You are doing what you can. Remember not to give in to temptation to escape too far from your emotions with meds or wine. It is difficult, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say we want you safe and well.
Take care of you,
Alice
I realize you are printing these things out for the divorce, and I hope it serves a purpose for you so that your hurt is not in vain.
I am bolstered by the fact that you have a support system at the ready to keep you in the here and now and hold you up when needed. For that you are truly blessed.
Please consider asking one of those angels to be the one to print up those documents for you and provide them for your attorney. I know it is not worth paying counsel to do the paperwork, we have to save our pennies some how, but having someone else's eyes see what is ultimately too painful for you and only serves to set you back would bemy heartfelt suggestion.
You are doing what you can. Remember not to give in to temptation to escape too far from your emotions with meds or wine. It is difficult, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say we want you safe and well.
Take care of you,
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I love you guys.
It's just so achingly, dark and painful. Somebody said to me that marriage joins two hearts together. Divorce rips the heart in two. Healing and growing that heart back to wholeness is a long, painful process.
I am usually a passionately positive, cheerful person. It's in my nature to be smiling and upbeat. I love everything.... all the seasons (yes snow and rain, too), can find the good in everyone, appreciate my job even when it's not fun, am cheerful even in the morning before coffee. Drives some people batty
. It's so out of character for me to be sad, weepy, distracted and downcast. I just hurt so much you guys. So so much.
This alcoholism disease that rendered my dear, charming, brilliant husband insane is the most devastating blow I've ever suffered.
Somehow doing all the right things to grow and heal doesn't seem to be helping much at the moment.
Looking forward to the day when I can look back at posts like this from a much better place.
It's just so achingly, dark and painful. Somebody said to me that marriage joins two hearts together. Divorce rips the heart in two. Healing and growing that heart back to wholeness is a long, painful process.
I am usually a passionately positive, cheerful person. It's in my nature to be smiling and upbeat. I love everything.... all the seasons (yes snow and rain, too), can find the good in everyone, appreciate my job even when it's not fun, am cheerful even in the morning before coffee. Drives some people batty
. It's so out of character for me to be sad, weepy, distracted and downcast. I just hurt so much you guys. So so much.This alcoholism disease that rendered my dear, charming, brilliant husband insane is the most devastating blow I've ever suffered.
Somehow doing all the right things to grow and heal doesn't seem to be helping much at the moment.
Looking forward to the day when I can look back at posts like this from a much better place.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
they say time heals...but i'm still waiting. and i'm impatient! a fragment of what may be bringing you to tears, is looking at the expenditures online. it makes you take two steps backward. i did the same thing. it's called stalking!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I found myself angry Insulated, at your stalking comment for several days. But in examining myself I found you're close, and made a decision not to look at the joint account, no matter how tempted I may be, because it just causes pain. If I need to for court, I'll do it, but chances are, I won't have to.
So thank you for your post, Insulated!
So thank you for your post, Insulated!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by tigger11 
I love you guys.
It's just so achingly, dark and painful. Somebody said to me that marriage joins two hearts together. Divorce rips the heart in two. Healing and growing that heart back to wholeness is a long, painful process.
I am usually a passionately positive, cheerful person. It's in my nature to be smiling and upbeat. I love everything.... all the seasons (yes snow and rain, too), can find the good in everyone, appreciate my job even when it's not fun, am cheerful even in the morning before coffee. Drives some people batty. It's so out of character for me to be sad, weepy, distracted and downcast. I just hurt so much you guys. So so much.
This alcoholism disease that rendered my dear, charming, brilliant husband insane is the most devastating blow I've ever suffered.
Somehow doing all the right things to grow and heal doesn't seem to be helping much at the moment.
Looking forward to the day when I can look back at posts like this from a much better place.
It's just so achingly, dark and painful. Somebody said to me that marriage joins two hearts together. Divorce rips the heart in two. Healing and growing that heart back to wholeness is a long, painful process.
I am usually a passionately positive, cheerful person. It's in my nature to be smiling and upbeat. I love everything.... all the seasons (yes snow and rain, too), can find the good in everyone, appreciate my job even when it's not fun, am cheerful even in the morning before coffee. Drives some people batty
. It's so out of character for me to be sad, weepy, distracted and downcast. I just hurt so much you guys. So so much.This alcoholism disease that rendered my dear, charming, brilliant husband insane is the most devastating blow I've ever suffered.
Somehow doing all the right things to grow and heal doesn't seem to be helping much at the moment.
Looking forward to the day when I can look back at posts like this from a much better place.
I am keeping you so close in prayer!
I feel the same as you! I am in such a dark, lonely place. My AexBF has shattered my heart in so many ways, and I am mourning the loss of a man that NEVER existed.
I too, checked his email, and found startling revelations I wish I never knew about! It is stalking...It is bad for us, and it only serves to make US feel worse. And checking up on them, what good does that do? Does it make us feel better? Empowered? NOPE...it makes us feel worse about who they are, and how THEY are making us feel! I will no longer give him that power over me! I deserve better!
I have promised my HP, myself and my small group at church that I will no longer stalk him, look at his email, or waste ANY more time and energy on his addictions. They are HIS, and HIS ALONE. These are the choices HE made.
I got out in the nick of time. Our Heavenly Father, in all this grace and glory, set up a foundation of wonderful people to support me through this dark time! I am hopeful that you have the same support! I will pray for you, and for your AH also. They need salvation, and all we can do is hope that they hit bottom in time to be saved.
(((HUGS))) to you..keep posting.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Thank you, Saved... yes I am supported. God has been carrying me in a way I'd never thought possible. That it doesn't seem to make me feel any better is tough. But I'm absolutely certain it will get better.
I wish I could go to sleep while it's getting better. I remember taking 20 hour trips with my children when they were little and telling them; "take a nap, the trip won't take so long." Unfortunately, recovery requires my active participation, and I can't nap for any part of it. Trust, faith, hope and the love of family and friends will get us through this thing.
Hugs!
Tigg
I wish I could go to sleep while it's getting better. I remember taking 20 hour trips with my children when they were little and telling them; "take a nap, the trip won't take so long." Unfortunately, recovery requires my active participation, and I can't nap for any part of it. Trust, faith, hope and the love of family and friends will get us through this thing.
Hugs!
Tigg
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
This alcoholism disease that rendered my dear, charming, brilliant husband insane is the most devastating blow I've ever suffered.
Oh goodness that made me sad....for you....and for me and for us all!....I feel the very same.
We can all feel part of your pain.......I think you are actually doing really well under such awful circumstances, you know it will pass but jeepers it doesn't feel like it at the time does it? this journey sucks! Keep posting, keep hanging out here and take good care....and hey have some popcorn )) Phiz
Oh goodness that made me sad....for you....and for me and for us all!....I feel the very same.
We can all feel part of your pain.......I think you are actually doing really well under such awful circumstances, you know it will pass but jeepers it doesn't feel like it at the time does it? this journey sucks! Keep posting, keep hanging out here and take good care....and hey have some popcorn )) Phiz
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Tigg,
I was in a lot of my own crap this week (who am I kidding, still am) and did not see this thread til tonight.
I am sorry you're in such pain, but it will not last forever. You are cauterizing the wound.
I was in a lot of my own crap this week (who am I kidding, still am) and did not see this thread til tonight.
I am sorry you're in such pain, but it will not last forever. You are cauterizing the wound.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Tigger, I am in a similar position, except I have continued contact with my not-yet-ex because we have small children together and share parenting time. Last weekend he took my children on a date with a new woman and they all spent the night at her house.
As a mother, I had to bring it up with him after the kids told me about staying at her house, because it is not appropriate for him to have them there when he is sleeping with her.
Logically I know that he is free to move on, I had no plans to reconcile with him. But now that he actually has, it really hurts. In ways I had not thought it would. I feel just as I did when he cheated on me five years ago, sick to my stomach and afraid.
It helps me to stay busy at work, and the last several nights I have had the kids so that has kept me occupied, but tonight I am on my own for the first time since I found out. I have a feeling its going to be a long night, so I'm going to rent funny movies and keep my chin up. Tomorrow I'm taking my horse for a good long ride. I know it will be painful for a while, but it WILL get better.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. ******{hugs}}}}
As a mother, I had to bring it up with him after the kids told me about staying at her house, because it is not appropriate for him to have them there when he is sleeping with her.
Logically I know that he is free to move on, I had no plans to reconcile with him. But now that he actually has, it really hurts. In ways I had not thought it would. I feel just as I did when he cheated on me five years ago, sick to my stomach and afraid.
It helps me to stay busy at work, and the last several nights I have had the kids so that has kept me occupied, but tonight I am on my own for the first time since I found out. I have a feeling its going to be a long night, so I'm going to rent funny movies and keep my chin up. Tomorrow I'm taking my horse for a good long ride. I know it will be painful for a while, but it WILL get better.
I am sorry you are having such a hard time. ******{hugs}}}}
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by BeautifulG
Oh i hated knowing what was going on! i'm so much happier now that I'm out of spy mode. It was driving me nuts! I'm so glad to read that you're taking care of yourself.
Moving on, time to worry about my life, not his!
Take care of YOU, your needs, wants, hopes and dreams! ((HUGS))
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Wow - this post is exactly how I am feeling as well. Such gut wrenching pain. I too am depressed, sad, angry, mad, frustrated all @ the same time. I too feel as though my heart is being ripped in two. A man that I thought was so beautiful and amazing is reduced to shreds because of drugs.
Not much I can say except that I understand fully where you're at. My AH hasn't 'moved on' but when he does it will be so hard for me to handle. For 23 years he's all I've known. I'm so sorry for the way that you feel, but I understand. The only way to freedom and happiness is THROUGH the pain of addiction.
Not much I can say except that I understand fully where you're at. My AH hasn't 'moved on' but when he does it will be so hard for me to handle. For 23 years he's all I've known. I'm so sorry for the way that you feel, but I understand. The only way to freedom and happiness is THROUGH the pain of addiction.
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