Naive question
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 11
Naive question
I know this sounds pretty stupid -- but I don't know much about drug addiction. My ex-BF told me that he does coke "recreationally" -- lines -- with the guys when they're at parties. That he has it under control. He said "you know me, I don't get crazy with that -- I just do it sometimes." I asked him what "somtimes" means. How much he does . . . he never would give me a straight answer. I know that he's also smoked opium, but said "don't worry, that's not at all addictive. and I don't do it much." I never saw him doing coke or smoking opium. Did see him drinking and smoking pot daily.
Could any of that be true? Can you do coke occasionally for 25 years and not be addicted? Can you smoke opium just sometimes? It doesn't sound plausible to me -- but I guess I wanted to believe him and wanted to think that he wouldn't lie to me. But in the last month I've discovered so many lies that I'm pretty sure he's never told me the truth about anything. He has plenty of money -- so getting it wouldn't be an issue for him.
In the last 6 months he's changed physically. Lost weight, color is awful, dark circles around his eyes, sleeps for 24 hours at a time . . . stays out with the guys until 6 or 7 in the morning. He owns bars -- so he can hang with his friends as long as he wants. Tell me honestly, how much of an idiot have I been to believe him?
Could any of that be true? Can you do coke occasionally for 25 years and not be addicted? Can you smoke opium just sometimes? It doesn't sound plausible to me -- but I guess I wanted to believe him and wanted to think that he wouldn't lie to me. But in the last month I've discovered so many lies that I'm pretty sure he's never told me the truth about anything. He has plenty of money -- so getting it wouldn't be an issue for him.
In the last 6 months he's changed physically. Lost weight, color is awful, dark circles around his eyes, sleeps for 24 hours at a time . . . stays out with the guys until 6 or 7 in the morning. He owns bars -- so he can hang with his friends as long as he wants. Tell me honestly, how much of an idiot have I been to believe him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You are not an idiot. You are not responsible for his lies to you.
Sometimes I hear only what I want to hear?!
Sometimes I don't have the information, knowledge or wisdom to ascertain what the truth is regarding an issue(s).
Those substances are illegal, they are addicting...that is playing with fire.
Please do make yourself at home....
The stickies at the top of the forum contain very valuable information and
SR has a wealth of people with experience, strength and hope to share.
Welcome!
Sometimes I hear only what I want to hear?!
Sometimes I don't have the information, knowledge or wisdom to ascertain what the truth is regarding an issue(s).
Those substances are illegal, they are addicting...that is playing with fire.
Please do make yourself at home....
The stickies at the top of the forum contain very valuable information and
SR has a wealth of people with experience, strength and hope to share.
Welcome!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I've heard addicts in recovery say their DOC (Drug of Choice) was anything....Whatever was available. It kind of sounds like your ex will use whatever whenever. If he was drinking and doing pot daily, I'd guess he was more than a social party-er...His change in physical appearance certainly doesn't sound good.
I don't think anyone will say you are an idiot..Everyone of us here, i would venture a guess, have been deceived by an addict...it's a part of the illness. There is nothing wrong with believing in someone, but when that belief doesn't go with what your gut is telling you, it's time to examine things, like you are doing.
It always has helped me to look at the actions. Words can say anything, but actions speak the truth. If his words say he is just occasionally using and his actions and physical appearance say he's a mess, trust the appearance and actions.
Keep reading and posting - it helps!
I don't think anyone will say you are an idiot..Everyone of us here, i would venture a guess, have been deceived by an addict...it's a part of the illness. There is nothing wrong with believing in someone, but when that belief doesn't go with what your gut is telling you, it's time to examine things, like you are doing.
It always has helped me to look at the actions. Words can say anything, but actions speak the truth. If his words say he is just occasionally using and his actions and physical appearance say he's a mess, trust the appearance and actions.
Keep reading and posting - it helps!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by lam9132 
....he's also smoked opium, but said "don't worry, that's not at all addictive. and I don't do it much."
WHAT?!?
Oh, I know how it feels, to feel like you've been being played for a fool, to feel like an idiot. I'm pretty sure you're not any more an idiot that I am, or any of us here (like "greeteachday" said)
I know that a person can have an occasional drink, or an occasional smoke, and not be an addict, but from what few words you have written, you've conveyed a volume. Biggest one, IMO, up there in the quote. Keep coming here, and now that your eyes are open, keep 'em like that.
We all understand.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
WHAT?!?
.
.
People who smoke opium do not do it recreationaly!!!
An addict will play down their addictions to make it look like it's ok, not a big deal.. it's the nature of the disease.. the lying, the manipulation and the denial..
You are not naive nor an idiot.. If you were naive you would sit back and pretend that everything is ok, you would not be seeking out advice here on this board.
I hope you will continue to post here to get the support you need from people that have walked in your shoes.. WELCOME
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
You say that he drinks and smokes pot daily, or at least you have seen him doing so in the past...
He says he has smoked opium 'recreationally,' whatever that means...
His physical appearance has changed for the worse...
He owns bars, which means that he can probably justify a lot of his behavior as "just doing my job...."
If none of those were a deal breaker for me, then the coke certainly would be. Doing coke, no matter who you are or how much you think you have it under control, is risky, risky business, not to mention deviant and exposing you to possible legal consequences as well....
Personally, I would have absolutely nothing to do with someone who does hard drugs, no matter what the context or the excuse....
He says he has smoked opium 'recreationally,' whatever that means...
His physical appearance has changed for the worse...
He owns bars, which means that he can probably justify a lot of his behavior as "just doing my job...."
If none of those were a deal breaker for me, then the coke certainly would be. Doing coke, no matter who you are or how much you think you have it under control, is risky, risky business, not to mention deviant and exposing you to possible legal consequences as well....
Personally, I would have absolutely nothing to do with someone who does hard drugs, no matter what the context or the excuse....
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
From what I can recall from the "back in the days" people.....
Cocaine can be used so people can keep drinking more. Keeps them "UP"...and from passing out from the booze. So binge drinking and cocaine can kind of go hand in hand.
He owns bars? Geez!
That's a recipe for disaster...buy, hey....it's his choice and there's not a lot you can do about it.
wanted to think that he wouldn't lie to me.
Yep....we've all said that to ourselves at one point...and if he is the one who told you smoking opium isn't all that addictive....then he's lied to you already....I second
coffedrinkers
WHAT?!?
Glad you came here, read everything you can on this site....the Sticky "What Addicts Do" is a great place to start.
He might be a mess....but doesn't mean you have to be.
Cocaine can be used so people can keep drinking more. Keeps them "UP"...and from passing out from the booze. So binge drinking and cocaine can kind of go hand in hand.
He owns bars? Geez!
That's a recipe for disaster...buy, hey....it's his choice and there's not a lot you can do about it.
wanted to think that he wouldn't lie to me.
Yep....we've all said that to ourselves at one point...and if he is the one who told you smoking opium isn't all that addictive....then he's lied to you already....I second
coffedrinkers
WHAT?!?
Glad you came here, read everything you can on this site....the Sticky "What Addicts Do" is a great place to start.
He might be a mess....but doesn't mean you have to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 11
I'm staying away from him. Just second guessing the decision to go no contact and trying to make sense out of insanity. On top of the drugs and alcohol, there's a porn addiction too . . . and anger management problems. Just a big mess of issues and addictions. I am resolved to stop being a mess and focus on recoverying from my own codependent behaviors.
Thanks for all of the responses.
Thanks for all of the responses.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by lam9132
Just second guessing the decision to go no contact and trying to make sense out of insanity.
Just a big mess of issues and addictions. I am resolved to stop being a mess and focus on recoverying from my own codependent behaviors.
Just a big mess of issues and addictions. I am resolved to stop being a mess and focus on recoverying from my own codependent behaviors.
I know how it feels to wake up and be like- who is this person? It sucks...but we can only change ourselves Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by lam9132
I'm staying away from him. Just second guessing the decision to go no contact and trying to make sense out of insanity. On top of the drugs and alcohol, there's a porn addiction too . . . and anger management problems. Just a big mess of issues and addictions. I am resolved to stop being a mess and focus on recoverying from my own codependent behaviors.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
In the last 6 months he's changed physically. Lost weight, color is awful, dark circles around his eyes, sleeps for 24 hours at a time . . . stays out with the guys until 6 or 7 in the morning. He owns bars -- so he can hang with his friends as long as he wants. Tell me honestly, how much of an idiot have I been to believe him?
Right there in front of your eyes is your answer. Plug your ears, don't listen to what he ways. Look at what you see.....
Right there in front of your eyes is your answer. Plug your ears, don't listen to what he ways. Look at what you see.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
We all wanted to beleive. Even when it was staring us in the face we still wanted to beleive.
One of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome was to tune out his words and watch his actions.
Once I began to do that it became painfully clear I was living with an addict and needed to make some changes.
Good luck, we understand,
Teggie
One of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome was to tune out his words and watch his actions.
Once I began to do that it became painfully clear I was living with an addict and needed to make some changes.
Good luck, we understand,
Teggie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 11
He started calling my office today. It's the only way he has left to contact me. So far the messages have been very nice. "Something is wrong with her phone. . . just trying to get in touch." Yep, something is wrong with my phone. I blocked his number. My staff has been instructed to tell him simply that I am not available to talk.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Iam, welcome to SR.
Wow...You are a fast learner.... You're doing the right thing staying away from him. By the way he sounds, he's on a fast track down, and you don't need to see it nor be entangled in it. Thank goodness your not married to him, I know it doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes for an little easier break from him.
So keep coming back. Your in a good place.
NH7
Wow...You are a fast learner.... You're doing the right thing staying away from him. By the way he sounds, he's on a fast track down, and you don't need to see it nor be entangled in it. Thank goodness your not married to him, I know it doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes for an little easier break from him.
So keep coming back. Your in a good place.
NH7
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Iam....welcome and it sounds like you are managing this so well. It's easy to second guess yourself and talk yourself into believing and listening to the craziness that spout from the mouths of those in active addiciton.
The best thing that I saw in your post were these two letters..... E & X. You are fortunate to have gotten to the point where he is your ex. Although you care for him it sounds like that is best done from far away. All the signs and symptoms point to a major problem.
Although watching a train wreck is horrible it's even worse to be in one.
The best thing that I saw in your post were these two letters..... E & X. You are fortunate to have gotten to the point where he is your ex. Although you care for him it sounds like that is best done from far away. All the signs and symptoms point to a major problem.
Although watching a train wreck is horrible it's even worse to be in one.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Oh gosh lam, do I know how you feel!!! I beat myself up for years for being such an "idiot" -- but you're a lot faster than I was at self-preservation! I kept hanging in there trying to "fix" him because I thought if I loved him enough I could do it. It took me years to figure out that he is a liar and a liar is not someone I can spend my life with. Once a liar, always a liar... I promise you that. You're doing just fine and you are no idiot!!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by lam9132
I'm staying away from him. Just second guessing the decision to go no contact and trying to make sense out of insanity. On top of the drugs and alcohol, there's a porn addiction too . . . and anger management problems. Just a big mess of issues and addictions. I am resolved to stop being a mess and focus on recoverying from my own codependent behaviors.
Thanks for all of the responses.
Thanks for all of the responses.
WAY TO GO IAM
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