puckettcg

Its been a while since I've logged on or wrote anything, but a few months back I wrote that AH was planning to go back to work and leave after the holidays. It part of my six month plan that I was giving him until January to make meaningful progress. The last straw came earlier than January when he was supposed to pick my 19 year old up from College for the holidays. He purposely waited to leave the house until after the ABC store opened, drove 2 hours to meet her drinking the whole time, and was so smashed that she figured it out a few miles on the way back and thankfully convinced him to pull over (he was driving 90 MPH weaving in out of traffic on 81 which is a favorite of truckers). She took his keys from him, and I came up there to get him. When he refused to get in the car with me, I left him there (taking his keys with me). Long story short I told him he had to leave after the holidays - he agreed and then proceeded to drink heavily for three days straight because he decided since I was kicking him out what did it matter. I then stole his truck from him and didn't return it until after he had got his job back.

Fast forward to the present. He started back to work last week, and has moved into a hotel. Problem is he won't stay gone. I went to an attorney who told me I couldn't make him leave (I didn't tell him that), although apparently my liability for anything he does is fairly limited which I was happy to hear. Even with his going back to work - I make more than four times what he makes. I don't need him or his income, or even child support. But, I don't want to support him either. And he keeps showing up back at the house without telling me. I found out he got off nightshift yesterday and spent practically the whole day at the house and then tells me he lost his keys and could he borrow my car to get to work. Of course I told him no, but agreed to drive him to work - I know its not my problem, but if he doesn't work the chances of my having to support him go up. The attorney also tells me I'll probably have to make alimony payments.

I'm getting the locks changed on all the doors but that doesn't help if my kids let him in, which my son did yesterday because he was home for a snowday. He actually told me it would be cheaper if he just stayed with us and that he doesn't drink when he's working - which isn't a true statement - but insists he doesn't know why he drinks and doesn't know how to stop. And, I'm just supposed to accept that? No! Today, as I'm driving him home from work this AM, he tells me the only reason he came by was to clean the house because he thought it would make me happy. My response - there are only two things that you can do to make me happy - either don't drink or stay away.

He is absolutely imploding. Ever since I made the decision I was done with it, I have been working toward getting him out and protecting myself from liability. He's doing everything he can not to go, but drinking more and more. He says he's better than he was, but he is way worse. Talks about killing himself and making statements like, you hate me don't you, and why do you hate me - followed by I love you and can't live without you. All of which I refuse to respond to. The kids are handling things pretty well though - they see everything that is happening and while they still love him they think he's being an absolute moron. I don't hate the guy - he's wonderful when he's sober and good to the kids and me. Does things around the house, etc. I just never know which guy I'm going to get so I can't count on him for anything.

I realize that I'm better off than most because I don't have the financial risk. And, emotionally, I'm still pissed off that he can be such an idiot, but I know longer expect anything else. I have greater peace of mind after having consulted an attorney and understanding my options and potential liability. But, being the one who does manage the household and the budget, I can't just walk away and I have no intention of letting him stay in the house where I pay all the bills and the creditors will come after me if I stop.

So on I trudge.

Learn2Live

It is great that you are financially independent and secure enough to make it on your own. It is great that you are emotionally in a place where you are not falling to pieces over your husband's behavior. It is great that you have an attorney to advise you of your rights and responsibilities, and to help you protect your future and that of your children. It is great that you are such a strong person. However, do you know why you involved yourself in this type of relationship in the first place? Are you going to Al-Anon or otherwise looking at yourself through all this? What personal lesson do you think this experience is meant to teach you?

stella27

I am sorry, puckett, taht you are going through all this. I know how overwhelming it can be to try to get them extricated from your house and your stuff, and to some extent, your kids. In my mind, I have drawn a big line around my house where I live with my kids and I have erected an imaginary force field to mark the sapace as my sanctuary. He is not to bring his chaos-inducing self around there except to pick up and drop off children.

You hang in there - you are doing all the necessary things to take care of your kiddos and yourself.

puckettcg

Why am I involved in this relationship to begin with? Well - we've been marrried since 1988. I met him while we were both in Officer Basic Course - I was 21 he was 23. While admittedly the signs were there back then, I was newly minted College graduate and to me his drinking didn't look too different from anyone else in our age group. He didn't drink all the time then - just weekends and then only beer. In the service, it was at the O-Club 1-2 days a week and clubs on the weekend until our first child was born. After that, it was only weekend. We left the service and moved to California where again it was more of the same. Sometimes out of hand, but again it was only the weekends. He worked a steady job and we'd go golfing together (he never drank on the golf course). It wasn't until 1996 that things truly began to escalate. By then, I was pregnant with our second child. His best buddy moved in with us (long story - big mistake) and the drinking soon got really bad - I gave him an ultimatum his friend goes or I go. His friend moved out, but the drinking didn't stop. By then, I was now on child number 3.

I knew it was out of hand. I know now that I actually started to detach - started doing my own thing. Planned trips and outings with the kids without him. I was also embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. He wasn't verbally or physically abusive. No alcohol-related incidents - DUI's, Drunk in public. He exclusively drank at the house. Still beer so what normally happened was he'd get to a certain point and simply pass out. Sometimes he'd fight passing out and I'd avoid him until he did.

I finally said this wasn't the life I wanted when my daughter, started having problems. After he second alcohol-related arrested, I told him he either quits drinking or he moves out. He chose quitting and that was two years ago. He didn't quit - he switched to vodka because "he could hide it better". But, eventually I caught on. And since last summer its been a nightmare. Except, I stopped trying to hide it and along the way found I wasn't really hiding it.

Sometimes, when you are successful, and are viewed as successful, you just don't want anyone to peer behind the curtain.

FindingPeace1

Getting the locks changed, seems like a great idea.
Have your kids gone to an Alateen meeting?
I think having a serious convo with the kids and explaining the rule of 'no dad in the house' is in order.

Good luck!

w

puckettcg

No to the alateen question. My oldest (19) is away at college. My younger two are only 9 and 12 so probably too young for Alateen. My 12 year old was devastated when I told him that if his Dad didn't stop, he was going to have to leave in January and then of course my AH promised he wouldn't drink - then drank the next day. And the next day. My son gets it now, but I think would still like to pretend it isn't happening. I worry most about him.

My youngest (9) is wise beyond her years. I asked her how she was feeling yesterday and she told me that she didn't want me to tell her Dad but that she was fine without him here. Less yelling (mostly me doing the yelling). I'm trying to keep an open dialogue with them, and keeping everything else as normal as possible. Honestly, as I was taken a shower this AM, after shoveling the snow out of my driveway for the third time in less than 3 weeks, I realized that things weren't too different. I still take them everywhere; I still call my Parents to help out when I can't, I still plan meals. I do have to wash clothes and dishes now - where as that was (strangely) always AH's job. But, that takes less than 30 minutes out of my day. Nice price for a lot less drama and a lot more happiness. I don't remember the last time I was this happy.

But, I do have a bit of an update. He did some weird things yesterday and when I got home his truck was in my driveway - which did not make me happy. Turned out, after not being able to find his keys he walked up and got a rental car. My son found them later and called him, but all he did was come by and get the keys (left the truck), but I figured it was raining and you can't drive two cars at the same time. I have not seen or heard from him since yesterday morning. I'm hopeful that means he got the message that I don't want him around.

Insulated

He actually told me it would be cheaper if he just stayed with us

whaa??? cheaper for who? him? His budget is more important than sobriety and losing his family. Yes, it's time to do you. You are on the right track taking proactive measures.

puckettcg

Its been a week since he left. The locks have been changed but it hasn't stopped him from coming by and going into the house. One of our doors has a broken latch, and he just goes in that way. Unfortunately, the only way to fix it is to swap out the doors, so its another few weeks before I can get it done. Today he came by with flowers for me and my oldest, earrings for my youngest, a necklace for me, and a promise of a new airsoft gun for my son. He just came on in the house. I wasn't home at the time. He came back by in the afternoon - and again I was out. I know he was drunk both times; he called and I told him if he wanted to talk he needed to call back when he's sober.

But, I feel guilty. I know he's hurting - he's not doing well at all. He's still in a hotel and I just paid his credit card bill. I'll do that for the first few weeks since he only just went back to work, and I figure I owe him that much. Otherwise, I feel like I'm deserting someone who is sick. But, at the same time, I feel so much better and happier. Until he comes by the house. He stayed away for a couple of days, but was definitely by on Friday. When he comes by, I also know he's drunk but he drove to get here. In 21+ years, he's never even gotten so much as a parking ticket, much less a DUI. Yet, I know he's drinking and driving. Half of my guilt is knowing he's out there on the road. At least before, he drank at home - now he drinks and decides to drive over to visit.

I want him to get better; realize what he's missing. At the same time, I like things so much better without him here, and he did so much damage - I don't think I could ever accept him back as a husband. I know this sounds terribly random and I just needed to get out what was going on in my head.

FindingPeace1

I might consider calling the cops on him if you know he's drinking and driving.
Just an option.

coffeedrinker

yes, he is sick. but the reality is that there is a course of treatment for him, well-known, and he absolutely refuses to "take the medicine". he said he didn't know why he drinks....that's what rehab and ongoing therapy is for. he doesn't have to know, and it was a "feel sorry for me" statement anyway.

you are very strong, and doing many things right. re: alateen, my daughter went for awhile and it was typical in her group that there be kids as young as 9 or 10. there just aren't many of those meetings, so - in this one anyway - they open up to a broader age group. no matter what kind of dialogue you are having (which is awesome) they could still benefit. they have been affected, even if you're the most perfect mother on the planet. (case in point: showing up with an armload of gifts when it's innapropriate and he has financial issues)

hope you can get that door fixed pretty soon!

puckettcg

My Dad looked at the door today, and its a latch that's broken and while he can't fix it fix it, he said he could put a nail in it to keep the latch from slipping until I can get the door replaced.

It is a "feel sorry for me" statement. First he tries to be sweet, and when that doesn't work, he talks about suicide (he won't do it - he's been saying that for years and hasn't attempted it), then he gets angry. Then when that doesn't work he's starts back with sweet. My oldest chewed him out today for how he's been acting. I don't think he expected it. Previously, he would count on the kids to come to his rescue, but even they are fed up with it. He did sign over his paycheck to me today for his credit card bill - assuming he doesn't get fired for drinking (which is a very big assumption), he'll be fine financially. But, he does have a history of trying to "buy" forgiveness through gifts.

I feel like I'm finally moving on from this, but its still hard. I feel sorry for him more than anything. Sometimes guilty, but even when I feel guilty, it usually doesn't take long before he does something that makes the guilt go away.

barb dwyer

puckett-
from reading your posts,
I think you are moving on with this as well.

This - is the hard part.

but this will pass.

I think you sound balanced, and mindful.

if that helps at all.