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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Hi everyone. I’m a newcomer and this is my first post.
I am 28 years old and married with no kids. My mother has been an alcoholic for all of my life. Some periods have been better than others but in sum, my mother is a mean drunk. I try not to hold a grudge for things that happened years ago, but honestly I do not know if I can ever forgive her for all the abuse. I feel that I would be happier if I could just cut her out of my life but so far I have been unable to do it.
I have tried Alateen and Al-anon meetings before but I never really felt comfortable in the face-to-face setting. It’s always been extremely difficult for me to talk to anyone about my mother’s addiction. Part of that is because I was always taught to keep quiet about the problems at home. I spent so many years lying for her that I hardly know how to open up now.
I’m glad I found these forums. I feel like I need a safe and anonymous place to talk to others who know what I’m going through. Thanks for listening.
I am 28 years old and married with no kids. My mother has been an alcoholic for all of my life. Some periods have been better than others but in sum, my mother is a mean drunk. I try not to hold a grudge for things that happened years ago, but honestly I do not know if I can ever forgive her for all the abuse. I feel that I would be happier if I could just cut her out of my life but so far I have been unable to do it.
I have tried Alateen and Al-anon meetings before but I never really felt comfortable in the face-to-face setting. It’s always been extremely difficult for me to talk to anyone about my mother’s addiction. Part of that is because I was always taught to keep quiet about the problems at home. I spent so many years lying for her that I hardly know how to open up now.
I’m glad I found these forums. I feel like I need a safe and anonymous place to talk to others who know what I’m going through. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 58
Welcome Bostonbelle. I am 29 and married with no kids with an AM as well. I understand your pain. My AM is very controlling and does not care about anyone other than herself. It was very hard to talk to people about this problem because a lot of people do not understand. I remember calling my mom's family to try to get help and they basically turned their backs and said I was lying because they never saw her that way. I have recently started talking to people again because I have finally figured out that I cannot change her. I also have my mom's family behind me now too which makes a world of difference.
The pain and abuse does make you want to cut contact because it's much easier and healthier that way. At the same time, you constantly worry about how she is doing or what she is doing. I know for myself that I do not worry about it that much if I am not around it. Can you try to distance yourself a little at a time?
It's hard to deal with all the emotions and the need to feel like you have to fix it. I don't know if you feel that way, but I know I keep wanting to fix her even though I know I can't. Do you have family that you can talk to? I have not been to Alanon yet but really do want to go. If you do not like Alanon, can you see a counselor?
I can't tell you how to cut contact because I have not been able to figure it out myself but I can tell you that talking to others has helped me and this website has helped me a lot as well. One thing I have learned through this website is to put up boundaries. Can you tell her to not call you when she is drunk or to not see you? It's hard and she will be very mean in the beginning. I am at that stage now with the anger and what seems to be hatred from my AM. But I know that it will eventually go away if I keep my boundaries up. Have you thought about any boundaries?
You have to do what it takes to help yourself and I hope this website can help you do that. Just remember, you did not cause your mother's addiction, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it.
I wish you the best and hope this has helped you in some way.
The pain and abuse does make you want to cut contact because it's much easier and healthier that way. At the same time, you constantly worry about how she is doing or what she is doing. I know for myself that I do not worry about it that much if I am not around it. Can you try to distance yourself a little at a time?
It's hard to deal with all the emotions and the need to feel like you have to fix it. I don't know if you feel that way, but I know I keep wanting to fix her even though I know I can't. Do you have family that you can talk to? I have not been to Alanon yet but really do want to go. If you do not like Alanon, can you see a counselor?
I can't tell you how to cut contact because I have not been able to figure it out myself but I can tell you that talking to others has helped me and this website has helped me a lot as well. One thing I have learned through this website is to put up boundaries. Can you tell her to not call you when she is drunk or to not see you? It's hard and she will be very mean in the beginning. I am at that stage now with the anger and what seems to be hatred from my AM. But I know that it will eventually go away if I keep my boundaries up. Have you thought about any boundaries?
You have to do what it takes to help yourself and I hope this website can help you do that. Just remember, you did not cause your mother's addiction, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it.
I wish you the best and hope this has helped you in some way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 28
Hello,
I realized after I posted a reply that the link I put in it was bad; I fixed it & revised a little bit of what I wrote, but I exceeded the 15 minute editing window. Could you please edit my reply for me? Here is what I intended on being my final reply:
Hey there,
I am 26, married to an Alcoholic/Addict, no kids... Bio-Dad is [or was? not sure of his living status] alcoholic/addict; my Addict Mom has been very controlling, also.
I started going to Al Anon last year because of my relationship with my AH. I came across this forum one day when I was trying to find answers about how to cope with his behavior... but everything changed when I read this post. When I realized it wasn't just the relationship with my husband that was chaotic, but every - relationship - I've - ever - had, (my Mom, Bio-Dad, every boyfriend...) I felt a sense of relief & hope. I could do something about that! With what Al Anon has to offer me, I can't do anything about my AH's behavior, but I can learn healthier reactions for my peace & well being to his $*%&! instigating arguments & blaming me for things, which always left him able to leave the house & do as he wanted, while I was a crying heap on the floor feeling bad/guilty/regretful/shamed...
My AH moved out, at my request, 2 1/2 weeks ago.
Al Anon is my safe place, because, for me, it ISN'T ABOUT HIM. I don't talk about what he's doing, or ANY of the addict/alcoholic/disfunctional behaviors of him or anyone else. I go to Al Anon to learn how to be a better ME. I would resent it & probably stop going if it were about him, because D@%# IT, he's not even going for him, why should I?!
>
>Some things I've come to learn in the past few months about setting healthy boundaries:
>
> * it's not just OK to set boundaries, it's encouraged
> * it probably will feel strange at first
> * the addict or alcoholic in your life probably will try to weaken your boundaries
> * they probably will accuse you of trying to "control" them
> * boundaries are about YOUR protection & serenity, not about getting the addict or alcoholic to do what you want them to do
> * there are always choices. If you've set a boundary that gets crossed, the other person has stated clearly to you that they are going tocontinue doing as they've done.
> * to me, boundaries are "if you...then I..." statements If you are going to continue to insult/shout/talk in that tone of voice, then I am going to leave the house & go for a walk.
>
>I can't love anyone else "better," but I can learn to love me better.
>
>You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your own love and affection.
>
I realized after I posted a reply that the link I put in it was bad; I fixed it & revised a little bit of what I wrote, but I exceeded the 15 minute editing window. Could you please edit my reply for me? Here is what I intended on being my final reply:
Hey there,
I am 26, married to an Alcoholic/Addict, no kids... Bio-Dad is [or was? not sure of his living status] alcoholic/addict; my Addict Mom has been very controlling, also.
I started going to Al Anon last year because of my relationship with my AH. I came across this forum one day when I was trying to find answers about how to cope with his behavior... but everything changed when I read this post. When I realized it wasn't just the relationship with my husband that was chaotic, but every - relationship - I've - ever - had, (my Mom, Bio-Dad, every boyfriend...) I felt a sense of relief & hope. I could do something about that! With what Al Anon has to offer me, I can't do anything about my AH's behavior, but I can learn healthier reactions for my peace & well being to his $*%&! instigating arguments & blaming me for things, which always left him able to leave the house & do as he wanted, while I was a crying heap on the floor feeling bad/guilty/regretful/shamed...
My AH moved out, at my request, 2 1/2 weeks ago.
Originally Posted by Bostonbelle 
I have tried Alateen and Al-anon meetings before but I never really felt comfortable in the face-to-face setting. It’s always been extremely difficult for me to talk to anyone about my mother’s addiction.
Originally Posted by amiwrong
I can tell you that talking to others has helped me and this website has helped me a lot as well. One thing I have learned through this website is to put up boundaries. Can you tell her to not call you when she is drunk or to not see you? It's hard and she will be very mean in the beginning. I am at that stage now with the anger and what seems to be hatred from my AM. But I know that it will eventually go away if I keep my boundaries up. Have you thought about any boundaries?
>
>You have to do what it takes to help yourself and I hope this website can help you do that. Just remember, you did not cause your mother's addiction, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it.
>
>I wish you the best and hope this has helped you in some way.
>
>You have to do what it takes to help yourself and I hope this website can help you do that. Just remember, you did not cause your mother's addiction, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it.
>
>I wish you the best and hope this has helped you in some way.
>Some things I've come to learn in the past few months about setting healthy boundaries:
>
> * it's not just OK to set boundaries, it's encouraged
> * it probably will feel strange at first
> * the addict or alcoholic in your life probably will try to weaken your boundaries
> * they probably will accuse you of trying to "control" them
> * boundaries are about YOUR protection & serenity, not about getting the addict or alcoholic to do what you want them to do
> * there are always choices. If you've set a boundary that gets crossed, the other person has stated clearly to you that they are going tocontinue doing as they've done.
> * to me, boundaries are "if you...then I..." statements If you are going to continue to insult/shout/talk in that tone of voice, then I am going to leave the house & go for a walk.
>
>I can't love anyone else "better," but I can learn to love me better.
>
>You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your own love and affection.
>
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 3
Thanks for your responses.
My family makes it extremely difficult to distance myself from my mother. Everyone expects me to stand by her no matter what. I think it makes them feel better to know that someone is looking out for her, but they themselves aren’t willing to do it.
I have tried to set some boundaries, with little success. I have repeatedly asked my mother not to call when she’s drunk. Yet every week, she calls my cell or my work (!!!) completely wasted. Later, she says she doesn’t remember calling. If I try to talk to her about it when she’s sober, she gets angry and accuses me of “pushing her buttons” and “trying to set her off.” Like Amiwrong said, it causes a lot of anger. So it’s hard. I don’t know what to do when she crosses the boundary. Change my number? She’ll just get the new number from a family member. Not answer? She’ll just keep calling.
I have been more successful at setting up emotional boundaries. I realized that I cannot make my mother stop drinking. No matter what I do, ultimately it is her choice. I realize that it’s not my fault that she drinks, no matter how much she tries to blame me.
Like I said, I’ve tried Alateen and Al Anon before, and counseling too. Unfortunately, I just clam up completely in a face-to-face setting. I’m hoping that posting on these forums will help me open up more until I feel comfortable doing something in person.
My family makes it extremely difficult to distance myself from my mother. Everyone expects me to stand by her no matter what. I think it makes them feel better to know that someone is looking out for her, but they themselves aren’t willing to do it.
I have tried to set some boundaries, with little success. I have repeatedly asked my mother not to call when she’s drunk. Yet every week, she calls my cell or my work (!!!) completely wasted. Later, she says she doesn’t remember calling. If I try to talk to her about it when she’s sober, she gets angry and accuses me of “pushing her buttons” and “trying to set her off.” Like Amiwrong said, it causes a lot of anger. So it’s hard. I don’t know what to do when she crosses the boundary. Change my number? She’ll just get the new number from a family member. Not answer? She’ll just keep calling.
I have been more successful at setting up emotional boundaries. I realized that I cannot make my mother stop drinking. No matter what I do, ultimately it is her choice. I realize that it’s not my fault that she drinks, no matter how much she tries to blame me.
Like I said, I’ve tried Alateen and Al Anon before, and counseling too. Unfortunately, I just clam up completely in a face-to-face setting. I’m hoping that posting on these forums will help me open up more until I feel comfortable doing something in person.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi Bostonbelle,
Comment on counselling. It can take time to find a counsellor that's a good fit. Most people cycle through a few before finding someone they feel quite comfortable with. I have struggled with this, but have always found the benefits of counselling to be tremendous. I'm saying this as someone who would cry at the drop of a hat if I tried to say 'no' to my A-parent and he let me know I was letting him down by standing up for myself. First thing counselling helped me with was figuring out what I do deserve so that I don't always have to feel guilty about saying "I need to do X for me." I really needed the counselling because my parents did not do a very good job of teaching me what I do actually deserve (and I'm talking basic rights as a human being type-of-stuff).
It sounds like you need boundaries not just with your mother but with your family too. What you're describing is not unusual. In families where one member (the alcoholic) is severely affecting the functioning of the family over all, it often happens that one family member is selected as a 'sacrifice' to this unmanageable problem. Of course someone has to stay behind - it protects the others from acknowledging the problem for what it is, enforcing boundaries and change, admitting their role in it. In a dysfunctional family system all family members play a part, whether its enabling/denying/confronting/fixing/etc.
re: harrassment by phone. That behavior is ridiculous for a grown adult - you're totally right to feel put off and frustrated by it. Do you listen to her messages? For your own well-being do you delete the messages as soon as you recognize they're drunk? Do you shut your phone off when she starts calling nonstop?
How do you set up your boundaries? Is it 'specific behavior' followed by 'specific action' (consequence) if behavior does not change? e.g. "mom, if you continue to call while drunk, I will not respond to messages or answer my phone." Your mom is still doing it because it still works - she still gets your attention when she's drunk. And I bet when it doesn't work, there's some interplay among family to ensure that you start answering again (am I right?). God forbid they have to start dealing with phone harassment, right?
Did you know you can set similar boundaries with your other family members too? e.g. "if you continue to tell me how to deal with mom when I haven't asked for your advice, I will end this conversation." Followed by ending the conversation. This is a crude version, but this is where a counsellor would help you with tailoring boundaries specifically for dealing with your other family members.
The beauty of recovery for people like us is that we don't have to forgive to prove that we're good people and move forward with our lives. You don't have to forgive to start healing. Abuse is abuse - no question about that. If this was an unhealthy relationship with a bad boyfriend, there'd be no question about you cutting him out of your life to move forward. So why is it okay because it's your mom treating you bad?
Answer: it's not okay.
My personal favorite mantra: family is not a licence for abuse. Just because I'm your daughter does not mean you're entitled to my capacities as a counsellor/secretary/cleaner/punching bag/etc. Oh I have gone through these ringers with my own alcoholic parent. This one sentence helps me combat the guilt that creeps up when I try stand up for myself. I may struggle to say no to an unreasonable demand from an A-parent, but for some reason my brain has no trouble understanding that family does not make abuse okay.
Welcome to our corner on SR, Bostonbelle. Continue to post. Traffic here can be a little slow sometimes, but there are many people here with great advice in waiting.
Comment on counselling. It can take time to find a counsellor that's a good fit. Most people cycle through a few before finding someone they feel quite comfortable with. I have struggled with this, but have always found the benefits of counselling to be tremendous. I'm saying this as someone who would cry at the drop of a hat if I tried to say 'no' to my A-parent and he let me know I was letting him down by standing up for myself. First thing counselling helped me with was figuring out what I do deserve so that I don't always have to feel guilty about saying "I need to do X for me." I really needed the counselling because my parents did not do a very good job of teaching me what I do actually deserve (and I'm talking basic rights as a human being type-of-stuff).
My family makes it extremely difficult to distance myself from my mother. Everyone expects me to stand by her no matter what. I think it makes them feel better to know that someone is looking out for her, but they themselves aren’t willing to do it.
re: harrassment by phone. That behavior is ridiculous for a grown adult - you're totally right to feel put off and frustrated by it. Do you listen to her messages? For your own well-being do you delete the messages as soon as you recognize they're drunk? Do you shut your phone off when she starts calling nonstop?
How do you set up your boundaries? Is it 'specific behavior' followed by 'specific action' (consequence) if behavior does not change? e.g. "mom, if you continue to call while drunk, I will not respond to messages or answer my phone." Your mom is still doing it because it still works - she still gets your attention when she's drunk. And I bet when it doesn't work, there's some interplay among family to ensure that you start answering again (am I right?). God forbid they have to start dealing with phone harassment, right?
Did you know you can set similar boundaries with your other family members too? e.g. "if you continue to tell me how to deal with mom when I haven't asked for your advice, I will end this conversation." Followed by ending the conversation. This is a crude version, but this is where a counsellor would help you with tailoring boundaries specifically for dealing with your other family members.
I try not to hold a grudge for things that happened years ago, but honestly I do not know if I can ever forgive her for all the abuse.
Answer: it's not okay.
My personal favorite mantra: family is not a licence for abuse. Just because I'm your daughter does not mean you're entitled to my capacities as a counsellor/secretary/cleaner/punching bag/etc. Oh I have gone through these ringers with my own alcoholic parent. This one sentence helps me combat the guilt that creeps up when I try stand up for myself. I may struggle to say no to an unreasonable demand from an A-parent, but for some reason my brain has no trouble understanding that family does not make abuse okay.
Welcome to our corner on SR, Bostonbelle. Continue to post. Traffic here can be a little slow sometimes, but there are many people here with great advice in waiting.
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