I am detaching and AH is angry!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Susie -
I think they call that 'escalating'.
They're not getting the attention/energy they did before.
So it will escalate.
Sometimes to ridiculous porportions. Proportions? LENGTHS.
I think they call that 'escalating'.
They're not getting the attention/energy they did before.
So it will escalate.
Sometimes to ridiculous porportions. Proportions? LENGTHS.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
VERY VERY typical. This for me was (is still as we are not divorced)the hardest to deal with. The mean,crazy-making behviour. What makes it worse is that it is only shown to you - everybody else see the charmer! Throw a litle bit of blaming you by his family (being so mean by leaving him although he is a falldown drunk) into the mixture and it makes the situation extremely challenging.
I read here on the board sometime last week that abusers see obedience as love !When I started not being obedient anymore I suffred enormous verbal abuse - not only by my STBXAH but also his family.
Be strong . Keep on detatching. It will save your sanity
I read here on the board sometime last week that abusers see obedience as love !When I started not being obedient anymore I suffred enormous verbal abuse - not only by my STBXAH but also his family.
Be strong . Keep on detatching. It will save your sanity
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
oh yes, anger, resentment, manipulation, accusation, ...because you are not playing the role he scripted for you...how DARE you?!
Expect this to go on and on for some time, and see it for what it is: an attempt to get you to act the way he wants and expects.
Expect this to go on and on for some time, and see it for what it is: an attempt to get you to act the way he wants and expects.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Thank You Ladies. I asked him yesterday if wanted to try to be "friends" again- as middle school as that sounds and he could not answer me. I thought it would help break the ice - I don't know. He won't speak to me or my son now. He then tried to humiliate me by telling me he was sure I was screwing around cause "I had to be getting it somewhere" That was nice. I read another's post this am about detaching that mentioned physical love and I can't provide someone physical love who won't even speak to me except for to spew hate. Also- the only thing on his mind is getting sex- not - wow - my wife is so unhappy- my marriage is in the pisser- Just - I want to get laid. Seems very messed up to me. He did tell me last night - "I am gonna get in shape again - and someone will want to be with me". I said AH - it is not about that- we are both older - both fatter - it is about kindness and love and respect. He said "WHATEVER" I calmy left him with his anger and watched the Eukaneuba Dog Show! The greyhound won the Hound Category! Go Greyhounds!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I began detaching, I got everything displayed by XABF. He was angry, pouting, sad, sappy, sweet, conceding, and sour. He made promises to cut back, promises to quit entirely, promises to go to counseling all of which I had been asking him to do for the last 10 years. I was no longer asking, but he was volunteering it all in the hopes something would resonate with me and I would stop whatever it was that was pulling me away from him.
He felt my detachment even though I never discussed with him that I was seeking recovery or trying to change my behavior. He just knew I was acting differently than I ever had before and he was giving it all he had.
I had fear that he would turn violent, though he had never been physically abusive towards me. I thought he might try it as a last resort out of frustration. He had threatened me once, which is what really turned the page for me and brought me to this site and to the 12 Steps. Thankfully, that did not happend. Maybe it was because my confidence and self respect were growing or maybe because his was weakening. I really don't know.
I agree with all that has been said. Keep working on detachment and try to maintain some compassion for him. He is losing the way things were and that's scary for an addict. Compassion will help keep his behavior in perspective for you and see it as a reaction to your behavior and not something he is doing to you to gain a response, if that makes any sense. Instead of you reacting to his behavior, he is now reacting to you! Shoe's on the other foot now.
Best wishes,
Alice
He felt my detachment even though I never discussed with him that I was seeking recovery or trying to change my behavior. He just knew I was acting differently than I ever had before and he was giving it all he had.
I had fear that he would turn violent, though he had never been physically abusive towards me. I thought he might try it as a last resort out of frustration. He had threatened me once, which is what really turned the page for me and brought me to this site and to the 12 Steps. Thankfully, that did not happend. Maybe it was because my confidence and self respect were growing or maybe because his was weakening. I really don't know.
I agree with all that has been said. Keep working on detachment and try to maintain some compassion for him. He is losing the way things were and that's scary for an addict. Compassion will help keep his behavior in perspective for you and see it as a reaction to your behavior and not something he is doing to you to gain a response, if that makes any sense. Instead of you reacting to his behavior, he is now reacting to you! Shoe's on the other foot now.
Best wishes,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Next to their DOC in importance, is knowing their SO, "enabler", comforts provider or backstop is just where they want them, doing just what they have always done.
You detaching, has just f**ked up his stable little world, and that is almost as bad as having his DOC suddenly become unavailable. Panic!!!!
Suddenly he is trying every thing he can think of to put this runaway planet (you) back into it's orbit....around HIM again.
Looking at all the schemes they use, manipulation, blame, accusations, abuse, anger, and of course the "poor me", sad sack, etc is funny, in a weird way, because it doesn't dawn on them that what would work is "being real, decent and sober".
The decision for us is: do I want to be in my comfort zone, or do I want to keep him in his and stay miserable.
I came down in favour of me, and never will I be moved out of it again, unless I choose to do so for a damned good reason. I might add that keeping an A comfortable is NOT a good reason.
God bless
You detaching, has just f**ked up his stable little world, and that is almost as bad as having his DOC suddenly become unavailable. Panic!!!!
Suddenly he is trying every thing he can think of to put this runaway planet (you) back into it's orbit....around HIM again.
Looking at all the schemes they use, manipulation, blame, accusations, abuse, anger, and of course the "poor me", sad sack, etc is funny, in a weird way, because it doesn't dawn on them that what would work is "being real, decent and sober".
The decision for us is: do I want to be in my comfort zone, or do I want to keep him in his and stay miserable.
I came down in favour of me, and never will I be moved out of it again, unless I choose to do so for a damned good reason. I might add that keeping an A comfortable is NOT a good reason.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
My AH uses the same types of behaviors to try to lure my back in.....we have been seperated for about 3 months - detaching while we lived together was very hard for me - but since we've been sererated it had been much easier. I have been able to be more aware of my behaviors and responses to him, I have been able to walk away, I have beena ble to see the insanity for what it was/is......life has been good. I have seem him grow deeply angry when I don't respond the way he expects, he grows out of control, mean and verbally abusive and tries to draw a response. So usualy I just say oh ok, it was good talking to you....or no that's not true...talk to you later! He has called me every name you can think of, accused me of cheating on him, accused me of lying and trying to make him lose his job.....it never ends.....but I know none of it's true...so I have learned to just let it go. Sure....it still does hurt because it is mean, but I don't give it the time of day. I don't know what our future holds, but right now, things are calm and am able to enjoy my life again!
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