Not Sure What to do!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 15
Not Sure What to do!
Hi.. I am new here and I am trying to help my sister who is an alcholic. she went to rehab and was sober for 32 days. she just started drinking again 2 days ago. Today she lost her job. She lives with our father who not a well man physically. He was an alcholic too. I am going to support my sister in the sense of finding her help. but I am very overwhelmed by this. for not only is this affecting her..but my father has to live with it. and he is not going to be able to take this due to health reasons. I do not drink. By my choice of course. So I cant completely understand why she went back to drinking.. i know stress is a big factor in her life right now. going thru a divorce.. dealing with my father and his health..ect. are those just excuses for her.. or is it a way to get away from it all. she told me tonight she is looking for me to help her. because she needs me.. my other sister has been sober for 15 years and they dont get along.
Ok.. I will stop blabbering.. I am just overwhelmed and looking for some support.
thank you
Ok.. I will stop blabbering.. I am just overwhelmed and looking for some support.
thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Honey, she drinks because she is an alcoholic and that is what they do - regardless of stress, depression, etc. You will be a lot less disappointed if you become realistic about who she is.
I agree with previous poster - al-anon is awesome and gives you so many coping skills - which you are going to need. maybe your dad can go, too?
I agree with previous poster - al-anon is awesome and gives you so many coping skills - which you are going to need. maybe your dad can go, too?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
I'm glad you found us. You will find information and support for yourself here.
I'm sorry that your sister had chosen to pick back up after spending time in rehab. I'm also sorry about your father's health.
Now for some advice. I learned about the three C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it
And those help me keep my life in perspective. I am not powerful enough to force another person to drink (or make other bad choices), I am not powerful enough to control another person's behavior, and I am not a miracle worker - I have never healed anyone!
The only person I do have power and control over is myself (and my minor children, somewhat).
You said:
i know stress is a big factor in her life right now. going thru a divorce.. dealing with my father and his health..ect. are those just excuses for her.. or is it a way to get away from it all
Yes! Yes! Dad, stress, divorce, and the color of the sky are all excuses for picking back up.
Your sister is now setting you up to be her next excuse for continuing her addiction. If she can get you to be her sobriety coach (which you are not qualified to do), then she can blame you when she fails to stay sober. "You don't understand what it's like!" /"You keep pressuring me!" / "No one understands me!"/ "This is just who I am!"/ "I can control this!"/ "I'm not like those other people at the meetings". Those are just a few of the classic alcoholic blame shifting statements. Are you equipped to deal with that?
The best thing you can do for your sister, is give her control of her own life. Let her contact the resources provided while she was in rehab. She knows who to contact when she is really serious about getting sober.
The best thing I can recommend for you is getting help for yourself through Alanon meetings, here at SR, self-help books and/or counseling. You have a lot of your own stress with an addicted sister and an aging father. Please take care of yourself.
We're here to support you. (((hugs)))
I'm glad you found us. You will find information and support for yourself here.
I'm sorry that your sister had chosen to pick back up after spending time in rehab. I'm also sorry about your father's health.
Now for some advice. I learned about the three C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it
And those help me keep my life in perspective. I am not powerful enough to force another person to drink (or make other bad choices), I am not powerful enough to control another person's behavior, and I am not a miracle worker - I have never healed anyone!
The only person I do have power and control over is myself (and my minor children, somewhat).
You said:
i know stress is a big factor in her life right now. going thru a divorce.. dealing with my father and his health..ect. are those just excuses for her.. or is it a way to get away from it all
Yes! Yes! Dad, stress, divorce, and the color of the sky are all excuses for picking back up.
Your sister is now setting you up to be her next excuse for continuing her addiction. If she can get you to be her sobriety coach (which you are not qualified to do), then she can blame you when she fails to stay sober. "You don't understand what it's like!" /"You keep pressuring me!" / "No one understands me!"/ "This is just who I am!"/ "I can control this!"/ "I'm not like those other people at the meetings". Those are just a few of the classic alcoholic blame shifting statements. Are you equipped to deal with that?
The best thing you can do for your sister, is give her control of her own life. Let her contact the resources provided while she was in rehab. She knows who to contact when she is really serious about getting sober.
The best thing I can recommend for you is getting help for yourself through Alanon meetings, here at SR, self-help books and/or counseling. You have a lot of your own stress with an addicted sister and an aging father. Please take care of yourself.
We're here to support you. (((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 15
I wanted to say thank you.. I know I can not change her.. I really wish I could but I know I cant.. I had it out with her today.. because she left her house to get coffee for us and I knew she had something to drink. I went in her purse and found a bottle of vodka.. it was open well needless to say she walked in and saw that I had it.. She kept saying give that to me and i kept saying no... she said.. fine ill just buy another one.. which i know she didnt have anymore money.. and she told me to stay out of her business... so of course I shot back and told her.. that it was her who wanted and needed me.. i told her that there are going to be things that she isnt going to like or say.. I dont understand this.. I choose not to drink along time ago.. so i dont know what she is going thru.. alls I know is I think she is taking more of her medicine that the dr. perscribed than she's suppose too.. I go there everyday.. to see how my father is doing.. to see how she is doing.. I know i have to give her tough love.. so to speak. I called my other sister who has been sober for 15 years +... you see i have anxiety issues. and this is taking all that i have.. I start college next week. after being out of school for 25 years.. but I will handle that.. I am just waiting to get that call and say that she's dead... and that my fathers in the hospital due to a heart attack or that he is dead too.. so this is why i called my other sister.. I need help.. I dont and wont have all the answers.. but at least this sister can relate to the situation.
Ok.. I know I dragged this on.. I just really meant to say.. thank you so much for responding.. I truely appreciate all the advice.. and I will look into see about those meetings...
Ok.. I know I dragged this on.. I just really meant to say.. thank you so much for responding.. I truely appreciate all the advice.. and I will look into see about those meetings...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
shuvanhi,
when we are ill, we go to the doctor. when we are spiritually bankrupt, we go to the mountain and look for god. when we get a lawsuit, we hire an attorney. when we are alcoholic, we go to aa.
you simply tell her that you are not qualified to be her guru, mentor or aa sponsor. and so you hope that she gets back on the wagon and seeks out the support she truly needs.
and:
ya know how a mama bear will protect her cub? what happens if you get in the way of the cub and its mama? she will go after you with a fierceness, right? don't get in the way of her vodka; it's not pretty, and you will just get torn up.
when we are ill, we go to the doctor. when we are spiritually bankrupt, we go to the mountain and look for god. when we get a lawsuit, we hire an attorney. when we are alcoholic, we go to aa.
you simply tell her that you are not qualified to be her guru, mentor or aa sponsor. and so you hope that she gets back on the wagon and seeks out the support she truly needs.
and:
ya know how a mama bear will protect her cub? what happens if you get in the way of the cub and its mama? she will go after you with a fierceness, right? don't get in the way of her vodka; it's not pretty, and you will just get torn up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 15
yes mama bear was upset. but i guess you can say i stopped her in her tracks. and she backed down.. (this time).. I know how mad she can get... for I had to protect my daughter one day from her vicious verbal attacks on her. it wasnt a good thing and I dont ever want to do that again. but like mother bear i had to protect my cub.
thank you for responding..
Bright Blessings to you
thank you for responding..
Bright Blessings to you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Sounds like the time has come for you to step away from the alcoholic and focus on yourself.
Your sister is an adult, is making her choices, and if she wants help, she will reach out to find it herself. You cannot do this for her.
And now on to YOU. How are you? What are your plans for the next year? What do you dream about?
Your sister is an adult, is making her choices, and if she wants help, she will reach out to find it herself. You cannot do this for her.
And now on to YOU. How are you? What are your plans for the next year? What do you dream about?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 15
I am trying to focus on starting my career change. I start college on monday. the kicker is I am taking college courses for Case Management. Go figure. I am a little nervous. It has been a long time since I graduated highschool. My husband and I talked last night about me staying focused on me going back to school. I think I am more worried about my father at this point. My sister hasnt hit rock bottom yet. My father is looking to me to help my sister. He's been having alot of chest pains. and has been relying on his nitro. for the pain. I can only do so much.. I dont mean to sound selfish but I want to do well in college and want to pass with the highest grade possible. and in order to do that.. I have to walk away from this.. Not totally but I know I am getting into deep, and my father is depending on me. but going to college means to world to me. Well that is my goal.. How I am doing..hmmmm. hanging in there. trying not to worry.. taking one day at a time. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Shuvanhi, congratulations on going back to college!! I was away from school for 25 years when I went back too. If you're like me, it's the best thing you'll ever do for yourself.
And Al-Anon, in my case, saved my life when I was dealing with my alcoholic sister. It helped ME decide where my boundaries were, what kinds of "help" I was capable of giving, etc. You might investigate it through the college....mine has a meeting at mid-day, believe it or not.
And Al-Anon, in my case, saved my life when I was dealing with my alcoholic sister. It helped ME decide where my boundaries were, what kinds of "help" I was capable of giving, etc. You might investigate it through the college....mine has a meeting at mid-day, believe it or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
[QUOTE=Shuvanhi;2506246] My father is looking to me to help my sister. He's been having alot of chest pains. and has been relying on his nitro. for the pain. I can only do so much.. I dont mean to sound selfish but I want to do well in college and want to pass with the highest grade possible. and in order to do that.. I have to walk away from this.. Not totally but I know I am getting into deep, and my father is depending on me. but going to college means to world to me. [QUOTE]
Ahhh, life! It's complicated, isn't it??!?
Kudos to you for going to school.
Your dad sounds needy, too, and has a lot of expectations on you.
It makes me think about a friend of mine (I'll call her S) who had a friend that was dying of cancer (we'll call her J).
J asked a lot of S. She was always asking for favors (big ones) and not being a good friend. She didn't call or keep in contact, and then would drop in and ask for more and more.
This behavior really hurt S. She felt used and uncared for, but also felt a big load of guilt because J was so needy. She was dying, after all. How could you set boundaries around someone that was dying? J even used the fact that she had cancer to put subtle pressure on S to get her needs met.
Eventually my friend S figured out that even dying doesn't give you permission to abuse another human being. Mistreatment isn't acceptable, ever and asserting that didn't make S selfish, it made her move toward health. So S set boundaries with J and fought back the guilt. J scaled back her requests and eventually stopped coming around (perhaps because S wouldn't do what she wanted).
Your dad is under stress and is hoping you will manage your sister. She is not your "job" no matter how serious a condition she, or your dad, are in.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of getting YOUR needs met right now. Its really hard to do that in the face of your family expecting things from you that seem reasonable to them and unreasonable to you! Keep your wits about you. You're doing great.
w
Ahhh, life! It's complicated, isn't it??!?
Kudos to you for going to school.
Your dad sounds needy, too, and has a lot of expectations on you.
It makes me think about a friend of mine (I'll call her S) who had a friend that was dying of cancer (we'll call her J).
J asked a lot of S. She was always asking for favors (big ones) and not being a good friend. She didn't call or keep in contact, and then would drop in and ask for more and more.
This behavior really hurt S. She felt used and uncared for, but also felt a big load of guilt because J was so needy. She was dying, after all. How could you set boundaries around someone that was dying? J even used the fact that she had cancer to put subtle pressure on S to get her needs met.
Eventually my friend S figured out that even dying doesn't give you permission to abuse another human being. Mistreatment isn't acceptable, ever and asserting that didn't make S selfish, it made her move toward health. So S set boundaries with J and fought back the guilt. J scaled back her requests and eventually stopped coming around (perhaps because S wouldn't do what she wanted).
Your dad is under stress and is hoping you will manage your sister. She is not your "job" no matter how serious a condition she, or your dad, are in.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of getting YOUR needs met right now. Its really hard to do that in the face of your family expecting things from you that seem reasonable to them and unreasonable to you! Keep your wits about you. You're doing great.
w
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
In my opinion:
Sometimes the best thing we can do is detach for awhile.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is define where her life ends and ours begins.
She will most likely need to feel more consequences from alcoholism before she's
ready to give sobriety another try. Don't get stressed and lose focus of your own
goals. Put your energy back on yourself.
Maybe later she will be ready for help with getting sober.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is detach for awhile.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is define where her life ends and ours begins.
She will most likely need to feel more consequences from alcoholism before she's
ready to give sobriety another try. Don't get stressed and lose focus of your own
goals. Put your energy back on yourself.
Maybe later she will be ready for help with getting sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 15
I like that story.. it meant alot to me. I truely can relate to it.. It's just the guilt.. I just feel like I am abandoning her. but on the other hand it is stressing me out.. and I dont like this feeling. I know that I say I cant help.. now I just have to say no to her.. you can only help yourself. I just think about my father and her son. and it eats me up that they are living like that.. I just want to go over there and shaker her stupid. I have to find the strength in me to detach without feeling guitly.
Spiritual Seeker... I will definately keep your opinion in my mind when I feel helpless to help and guilty.. I think I need to start meditating again..
Thank you all for your advice.. I do keep it with me. sometimes choosing whats right isnt always easy.. but I will find ways to deal with this.. I have too.
Bright Blessings to all of you
Spiritual Seeker... I will definately keep your opinion in my mind when I feel helpless to help and guilty.. I think I need to start meditating again..
Thank you all for your advice.. I do keep it with me. sometimes choosing whats right isnt always easy.. but I will find ways to deal with this.. I have too.
Bright Blessings to all of you
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I find lots of wisdom in our permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum. Like this jewel on guilt:
3. Guilt
Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."
This was taken from the sticky post "About Recovery" and subtitle: "Hooks that keep us in boundary-less relationships"
Here's the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
3. Guilt
Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."
This was taken from the sticky post "About Recovery" and subtitle: "Hooks that keep us in boundary-less relationships"
Here's the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 15
Well I did it.. I sat down with my father and sister and told them that I can support her but only to a point. I explained that I am anxious over this whole situation and that I wouldnt do this to myself. I explained to her that i would listen when she needed to talk. I will support her going into rehab. but I will not support and be there for her when she is still drinking. I told my father that I will be there for him. but I can only and willing to do so much. for it was her disease that was ruining her life and cause heart ache to the memebers of the family. I told her that if she has vodka in the house that I wasnt going searching for it and take it. I told her that you tell me all the time that drinking doesnt make you happy.. well here is your chance and choice to make yourself happy and not buy it.. when i was leaving my father did give me a bottle of vodka.. so i took it and thru it in the trunk of my car.
Now I hope that when I see my sisters phone number come up on the caller id that I wont cringe anymore or be afraid of what I am going to hear.
Bright Blessings to you
Now I hope that when I see my sisters phone number come up on the caller id that I wont cringe anymore or be afraid of what I am going to hear.
Bright Blessings to you
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