Trying2Fly

Just curious--can others out there share stories of how you have practiced compassion with the alcoholics in your lives? I think this is something I sometimes struggle with. I'm getting detachment down, and detaching with love. Is detaching with love showing compassion?

GiveLove

I personally find it to be the greatest form of compassion there is -- compassion toward someone even in the face of self-destructive behaviors. It's easy to feel compassion toward Mother Teresa, not so easy to feel it for someone who is systematically destroying their life and perhaps doing things that might take others down with them.

I loved my sister so much, and never loved her more than I did when I'd learned detachment, and was free to just feel tenderness for her without needing her to be all better. Tenderness for the damaged, fragile, confused and messed-up girl inside the body that was doing all of that awful stuff to herself.

That did NOT mean that I ran to her side - I didn't.

But I had no qualms about saying, "I love you a lot, and I hope you're able to make the choices that will bring you back to us."

And then I would hang up the phone and cry for a while, and then detach and get back to my life.

Big hugs to you, trying2fly, and prayers that your sister will find her way.

Your posts bring back a lot of memories for me (not a bad thing, just a fact)

Spiritual Seeker

My son was chucked out of a long-term rehab in a rural area and driven to the closest city to be dropped at a shelter that was full, he called to let me know. He knew that
if he was kicked out that I would not do one single thing to help him out, but he called anyway.
I was only compassionate. I did not nag, scold, get angry, criticize, lecture, etc.
I expressed empathy about how awful he must feel. How it must be sad to have limited options and how happy I was that even tho he was in dire straits that he chose to call and advise me of his situation.( in the past he would have disappeared to the streets for months at a time) I mostly listened and told him I was hopeful that he would figure out his best option.

He then called the rehab and pleaded his case to let them come and take him back, which they did.

A few months later he told me that if I had expressed anger or criticism on that call he would not have returned to rehab. He thanked me for showing compassion.

I have learned that compassion ,instead of judgment, is a much better way to have stronger relationships with all the people in my life.

My son went on to complete 18 mos of rehab and has been sober almost two yrs.
We have both made significant progress through the process of recovery.
His addiction led us both to seek a more compassionate and spiritual way to live.

Kittyboo

Trying -

If I may ask...compassion in what relation to the alcoholic?
I ask this because I feel, my sympathy for my XA and his alcoholism and his other mental states were what kept me hanging on to him.

Compassion by definition is a "feeling of deep empathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to aleviate the suffering."

I will ALWAYS have empathy for my xa and the pain he feels in his life. I will ALWAYS feel sorrow for him that HE CHOSE to go down a path that will influence his suffering and not help to aleviate it.
I will not ever again offer excuses for his behavior towards me. I will not ever again allow him in my life as I will not ever again be able to believe anything he says to me.

Compassion I have. A tolerance for being treated like I am worthless...... no longer.
Compassion can be had in my heart until my last breath. Compassion does not mean I am a door mat.

Just curious as to what maybe drove you to ask the question about having compassion? Are you looking for ways to offer compassion in the face of his treatment of you?

BIG HUGS!

Bernadette

I've found one way I am compassionate towards my Abros is I stopped making the relationship all about their addiction. I stopped judging, offering "fix your life" suggestions, stopped asking about their behaviors or dramas.

When we do have contact I make an effort to engage them about other things, positive things I know they love, like I might share a book of photography or a cool photography website with one, I talk to my musician bro about music etc. It takes a lot of effort for me to see them as complete human beings - that is a symptom of my sick mind- I had at one time so reduced them to their alcoholism.

Now, an addict's world does start to get very small indeed, and so has the number of things & times I can engage them - and there have been times, long periods sometimes, where compassion meant sending a postcard that just said I love you. Because I could not be around them at all without damaging myself or enabling them.

Not easy, just one of the many free gifts of having an addict in your life - getting to spend this kind of time thinking about what it means to be compassionate! How to show love without enabling. How to own my own anger, judgements, and choices. *sigh*

peace-
b

coffeedrinker

i guess i feel that compassion is more of a feeling than an action. with that being said, though, it is:
being gentle with your words
treating the other with dignity and respect
caring about the other and his/her life
listening without judgement
feeling sorrow for the situation he/she may be in, or about the affliction in
general, without looking "down" on that person

if someone you loved had lung cancer, you would feel badly about it, wish it weren't true, and do something if you could to help. that help would not include buying them a pack of cigarettes, though, even if they wanted you to.

that's what i come up with right now

Trying2Fly

Thanks everyone.

Kittyboo, to clarify: the alcoholic in my life is my sister.
I was asking this question to get an idea of how others handle and practice detachment with love. I am proud of myself that yesterday--when all of the latest was happening--I was able to stay calm and loving, but also firm and able to abide by my boundaries.

coyote21

Thanks Bernadette, I have reduced my axw to her alcoholism. I'll have to try to do better.

And thanks for the thread, just what I needed to hear.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote