Depression - anyone know where to turn?
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Depression - anyone know where to turn?
I was just wondering if anyone here knows of any good forums for family and friends of those suffering with depression? I know my BF is alcohol dependent but I think it is his depression that is really causing the problems at the moment (with alcohol a by-product) and I would really like to be able to discuss how to get through it and help him on a forum similar to this one. It seems that any I've looked at are not that busy and you don't get many people reading and replying often like on here. I'm just really worried and not sure where to turn.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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I responded to your thread on this in the mental health forum.
It sounds like he has help for his depression in that he has been prescribed medication. Anti-depressants can help, but NOT if he stops taking them when he starts feeling better. Of course he's feeling better...he's taking his medication! It takes time for the meds to work and he needs to stay on them so the levels of serotonin stay where they need to be. Anti-depressants aren't like penicillin, where you stop taking it once the infection clears up. It's something that he needs to take every day or it can't work.
It sounds like he has help for his depression in that he has been prescribed medication. Anti-depressants can help, but NOT if he stops taking them when he starts feeling better. Of course he's feeling better...he's taking his medication! It takes time for the meds to work and he needs to stay on them so the levels of serotonin stay where they need to be. Anti-depressants aren't like penicillin, where you stop taking it once the infection clears up. It's something that he needs to take every day or it can't work.
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Thanks. He is really very low and upset right now and he doesn't want me to go round to his and see him like that again. He says he is going to drink because it is the only way he knows how to deal with it and make himself feel better for a while. i feel so useless and desperate. I don't know what to do. I don't think he'd hurt himself but I am so worried about him. How can i just get on with my day when I know he is so desperate? I just want to be there for him, but i have to respect his decision that he doesn't want me there. We were both in tears on the phone and he was more honest saying that he knew it was coming and that's why he drinks - to make himself feel better. I don't know how to react or what to do.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
I was just wondering if anyone here knows of any good forums for family and friends of those suffering with depression? I know my BF is alcohol dependent but I think it is his depression that is really causing the problems at the moment (with alcohol a by-product) and I would really like to be able to discuss how to get through it and help him on a forum similar to this one. It seems that any I've looked at are not that busy and you don't get many people reading and replying often like on here. I'm just really worried and not sure where to turn.
Thank you.
Thank you.
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I've already posted on the mental health section but thought I may as well repost here.
Detach, detach, detach. Just like alcoholism, the three C's can be used when dealing with someone with depression. You cannot 'cure' him, you cannot help him. He has to help himself. There are many trained professionals who are there to provide assistance but the responsibility for his own mental health ultimately rests with him. There is nothing you can do.
I speak as someone who has suffered and struggled for many years with depression.
Detach, detach, detach. Just like alcoholism, the three C's can be used when dealing with someone with depression. You cannot 'cure' him, you cannot help him. He has to help himself. There are many trained professionals who are there to provide assistance but the responsibility for his own mental health ultimately rests with him. There is nothing you can do.
I speak as someone who has suffered and struggled for many years with depression.
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I agree with the others that you should treat his "problem" (in this case, depression) the same way you would treat him if the problem were alcohol (which, of course, it still is).
It isn't yours. It doesn't belong to you. It is his.
To echo the above: detach, detach, detach, and focus on you.
It isn't yours. It doesn't belong to you. It is his.
To echo the above: detach, detach, detach, and focus on you.
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To freshclay: he has had depression for many many years and he hasn't really had a proper amount of time withdrawing from alcohol - he just cut downa bit, so i don't think it is due to alcohol withdrawal but i could be wrong. He just seems to cycle from deep depression, through heavy drinking and then slowly back out again (although never fully without alcohol).
How do I detach when someone I love is in so much pain? I feel guilty for not being able to help him. I also feel hurt that he doesn’t want me to be there – when I am very low I don’t like to be alone, I’d want him there. I find it hard enough detaching when I think of him as just an alcoholic but it’s even worse when I have to think of him as depressed. I feel guilty for thinking bad of him or wanting to detach when he is suffering like this. When his depression isn’t so obvious and it just looks like he is just an alcoholic then i can get angry with him and try to detach etc, but i don’t feel the same when he is obviously depressed – i don’t want to detach, I want to be there for him.
How do I detach when someone I love is in so much pain? I feel guilty for not being able to help him. I also feel hurt that he doesn’t want me to be there – when I am very low I don’t like to be alone, I’d want him there. I find it hard enough detaching when I think of him as just an alcoholic but it’s even worse when I have to think of him as depressed. I feel guilty for thinking bad of him or wanting to detach when he is suffering like this. When his depression isn’t so obvious and it just looks like he is just an alcoholic then i can get angry with him and try to detach etc, but i don’t feel the same when he is obviously depressed – i don’t want to detach, I want to be there for him.
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i don’t want to detach, I want to be there for him.
These are not mutually exclusive.
It seems you may be thinking that detaching is somehow not caring? I see that misconception a lot on this forum. Often when a poster recommends "detachment" the receiver seems to hear "abandon" or "mistreat" or "break-up." Keep reading up on detachment - what it is and what it isn't.
For me the first step in being able to detach is acceptance of reality!
when I am very low I don’t like to be alone, I’d want him there.
But he is not you. Imagine that he feels differently. Imagine that it is maybe better for him to be alone and figure out how to emerge from his misery by himself, by asking for and accepting help. I mean, I don't know either - only he knows what's best - but I'm just saying keep an open mind.
peace-
b
These are not mutually exclusive.
It seems you may be thinking that detaching is somehow not caring? I see that misconception a lot on this forum. Often when a poster recommends "detachment" the receiver seems to hear "abandon" or "mistreat" or "break-up." Keep reading up on detachment - what it is and what it isn't.
For me the first step in being able to detach is acceptance of reality!
when I am very low I don’t like to be alone, I’d want him there.
But he is not you. Imagine that he feels differently. Imagine that it is maybe better for him to be alone and figure out how to emerge from his misery by himself, by asking for and accepting help. I mean, I don't know either - only he knows what's best - but I'm just saying keep an open mind.
peace-
b
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
How do I detach when someone I love is in so much pain? I feel guilty for not being able to help him. I also feel hurt that he doesn’t want me to be there – when I am very low I don’t like to be alone, I’d want him there. I find it hard enough detaching when I think of him as just an alcoholic but it’s even worse when I have to think of him as depressed. I feel guilty for thinking bad of him or wanting to detach when he is suffering like this. When his depression isn’t so obvious and it just looks like he is just an alcoholic then i can get angry with him and try to detach etc, but i don’t feel the same when he is obviously depressed – i don’t want to detach, I want to be there for him.
L
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Please read this sticky post. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
Detachment doesn't mean withdrawing support. It does mean recognising that you are powerless over another person. He doesn't want you near him right now, he is withdrawing. Its what happens with depression. It can be a coping method. Working on yourself to become a more stable, better person for when he does want to see you makes more sense than the frantic worrying you to seem to be doing.
But YOU want to 'be there for him', YOU think you should be there cos that's how you feel when you're low, YOU feel guilty because he's depressed (?), YOU don't want to detach, you want to take on responsibilities that simply aren't yours. Let it go. Stop trying to meddle and interfere. You may well make things worse by trying to change the situation into how you think it 'should' be. XAH used to try these tactics with me when I became depressed. I couldn't talk to him, he made me feel guilty for feeling low because he said it was his 'fault', he took control and I learned to shut up and put up because my feelings and wants didn't really count.
Do you feel that you need to be needed by him? That he can't do things for himself? Have you read Co Dependent No More? It can help you learn to detach with love.
Sorry if I sound a bit off but your post reminds me of XAH a bit too much...
Detachment doesn't mean withdrawing support. It does mean recognising that you are powerless over another person. He doesn't want you near him right now, he is withdrawing. Its what happens with depression. It can be a coping method. Working on yourself to become a more stable, better person for when he does want to see you makes more sense than the frantic worrying you to seem to be doing.
But YOU want to 'be there for him', YOU think you should be there cos that's how you feel when you're low, YOU feel guilty because he's depressed (?), YOU don't want to detach, you want to take on responsibilities that simply aren't yours. Let it go. Stop trying to meddle and interfere. You may well make things worse by trying to change the situation into how you think it 'should' be. XAH used to try these tactics with me when I became depressed. I couldn't talk to him, he made me feel guilty for feeling low because he said it was his 'fault', he took control and I learned to shut up and put up because my feelings and wants didn't really count.
Do you feel that you need to be needed by him? That he can't do things for himself? Have you read Co Dependent No More? It can help you learn to detach with love.
Sorry if I sound a bit off but your post reminds me of XAH a bit too much...
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bookwyrm - thanks for your posts - i guess i am trying to change the situation into what i think it should be and how i would deal with it best. I will try to let it go and be strong for him when he needs me to be. If he asks for me to help or go round to see him then i will do. i know i need to let him deal with it his way but when that involves making unhealthy choices and putting himself in danger, there comes a point when surely you have to intervene in some way?
It is very useful hearing your point of view. I haven't felt like he does now so i know i can't really understand.
I still feel responsible in some way - and I suppose i feel a little guilty and hurt that i don't seem to be able to keep him happy. I know this is stupid and it is nothing to do with me why he feels so bad, but the feeling that he should be happy because we've got each other still appears now and then. Need to drum it into my head that it isn't my fault and i can't make him better.
He knows he needs to find a better way of coping when things get this bad but there isn't any help freely available. The Dr and Psych only give him medication, and counselling aimed solely at alcohol that he has had in the past doesn't help with the underlying depression. We can't afford to pay for therapy. I can just see this misery cycle repeating forever. Maybe this time I can play my part differently though - see if the outcome changes. I will give him the time and space he asks for to deal with it his way and just be there when he asks for me. Let him deal with all the consequences of his behaviour and choices himself, and hopefully when he's through this episode he'll realise he needs to change something and look for more help.
Thank you.
It is very useful hearing your point of view. I haven't felt like he does now so i know i can't really understand.
I still feel responsible in some way - and I suppose i feel a little guilty and hurt that i don't seem to be able to keep him happy. I know this is stupid and it is nothing to do with me why he feels so bad, but the feeling that he should be happy because we've got each other still appears now and then. Need to drum it into my head that it isn't my fault and i can't make him better.
He knows he needs to find a better way of coping when things get this bad but there isn't any help freely available. The Dr and Psych only give him medication, and counselling aimed solely at alcohol that he has had in the past doesn't help with the underlying depression. We can't afford to pay for therapy. I can just see this misery cycle repeating forever. Maybe this time I can play my part differently though - see if the outcome changes. I will give him the time and space he asks for to deal with it his way and just be there when he asks for me. Let him deal with all the consequences of his behaviour and choices himself, and hopefully when he's through this episode he'll realise he needs to change something and look for more help.
Thank you.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
i know i need to let him deal with it his way but when that involves making unhealthy choices and putting himself in danger, there comes a point when surely you have to intervene in some way?
He wants to make unhealthy choices and he wants to put himself in danger, and it's his body and he is an adult, and I think it's not fair to him not to respect his choices.
Lately I am seeing a lot of value in allowing someone the dignity of making their own choices, and then respecting their choices, because I get to make my choices and he gets to make his. It is not right for me to think that I know what is better, even though I may be convinced that my way is the best. That makes him into an invalid who is not smart enough or strong enough to do for himself and only *I* (the great and wise and good) can help him. It is self-glorification, and that is disrespectful to another grown person.
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i realise this and you do need to let people make their own choices, but sometimes they are not in the right frame of mind and are not capable of making the best choices - like when a loved one has to allow a partner or loved one to be 'sectioned' and kept in hospital for their own good. If they didn't intervene the person would be at great risk and it would be immoral to stand by and do nothing. I think it is finding where to draw the line - I am learning that it is further away than I've been drawing it, but i believe it still exists.
I'm not trying to say i know best and i'm so great, but i do believe he is making the wrong choices because he doesn't think there is another way for him.
I'm not trying to say i know best and i'm so great, but i do believe he is making the wrong choices because he doesn't think there is another way for him.
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God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
That last part is soooo tricky. iwantcontrol, I can empathize with your dilemma.
i do believe he is making the wrong choices because he doesn't think there is another way for him
Let him make the choice. Let him fall on his face., if he does. Let him decide when or if or how to get up. As hard as it is, let him.
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
That last part is soooo tricky. iwantcontrol, I can empathize with your dilemma.
i do believe he is making the wrong choices because he doesn't think there is another way for him
Let him make the choice. Let him fall on his face., if he does. Let him decide when or if or how to get up. As hard as it is, let him.
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thanks. you know, i think i will re-read all the replies to all my posts and note down some of the thigns people have said so i can look at them whenever a situation like this occurs. Your words can be very helpful. I like this:
Let him make the choice. Let him fall on his face., if he does. Let him decide when or if or how to get up. As hard as it is, let him.
Let him make the choice. Let him fall on his face., if he does. Let him decide when or if or how to get up. As hard as it is, let him.
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a concern i have is partly selfish - if he does something stupid or gets in trouble, that then means he is another step away from being better and it jeopardises his future and in turn, our future together. I just wanted to admit to some selfishness.
and another last problem - it actually makes me feel more like i'm better than him if i leave him to it and wait for him to fail, than if i try to help him. Like i'm being all high and mighty just waiting in the background for him to fall flat on his face. That'll be what i'm doing. at least he gets to make his own choices then.
and another last problem - it actually makes me feel more like i'm better than him if i leave him to it and wait for him to fail, than if i try to help him. Like i'm being all high and mighty just waiting in the background for him to fall flat on his face. That'll be what i'm doing. at least he gets to make his own choices then.
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Iwantcontrol,
I am not judging you, I was talking about me.
I agree that there are times when family members can step in and have someone committed, but in my state (Texas), that is when there is evidence that someone is a danger to himself or others. And danger to oneself here means not functioning on the most basic of levels or threatening suicide.
I don't know what your community's laws or standards are.
But to answer your question, there is a point at which we can get involved. The hard part FOR ME (and only me) is that the point at which I know something is off and want to get involved and the point at which my A (with mental health issues) is truly dangerous to himself or others is miles apart. Your situation may be different.
Good luck to you.
I am not judging you, I was talking about me.
I agree that there are times when family members can step in and have someone committed, but in my state (Texas), that is when there is evidence that someone is a danger to himself or others. And danger to oneself here means not functioning on the most basic of levels or threatening suicide.
I don't know what your community's laws or standards are.
But to answer your question, there is a point at which we can get involved. The hard part FOR ME (and only me) is that the point at which I know something is off and want to get involved and the point at which my A (with mental health issues) is truly dangerous to himself or others is miles apart. Your situation may be different.
Good luck to you.
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The hard part FOR ME (and only me) is that the point at which I know something is off and want to get involved and the point at which my A (with mental health issues) is truly dangerous to himself or others is miles apart
i'd say that was true for me as well. nicely put. I know you weren't judging me. I appreciate everyone giving me their views. i would probably say the same thing if someone was asking for my advice - the hard part isn't knowing what to do,it is actually doing it.
i'd say that was true for me as well. nicely put. I know you weren't judging me. I appreciate everyone giving me their views. i would probably say the same thing if someone was asking for my advice - the hard part isn't knowing what to do,it is actually doing it.
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