mrsck09

So here we go! my AH staying at his mom- to get better supposidly? I cant seem to grasp this concept?How is this recovery. Too me hes ran off again on me and our children and all his resposibilities as an adult! He even went and picked up his neice and nephew today and hid so his OWN children couldnt see him and get upset? I am sorry but I am not able to understand his family asking him to go pick these kids up! I think its rotten. This is his own family ! So I called his mom to discuss this bs she started. They have resentments twards me right now and I have not done anything wrong except put my foot down to her addict son. I got things strait with her but my husband is still acting like a child and didnt respond to my text today! just wrong in my eyes? someone let me know their thoughts

rayofsunshine

In my experience, no one in the family had no idea how bad it is living with an active addict. They mean well, give unwanted advice, but just don't know how it really is.
His parents should be able to pick up on how bad it is with him now staying with them.
Or maybe not, as the addict is good at fooling people for a while.

All you can really do is stick to your boundaries and take care of YOU. Hopefully, he will work his recovery to get his life back. Keep reading and posting. Learn all you can about addiction and what to expect with real recovery. Look at his actions not his words.

teke

i can relate, my mil and ah was the same way. there is more than one side to a story. my ah would play me against his mom. i agree with ray, they probably don't really know the truth of how bad his addiction is. do you really think he's telling them the truth about why he's not with you?

my mil seems to believe everything my ah tells her about me and for yrs i tried to explain myself to her to no avail. i became the villian in their eyes and there is nothing i can do about the way they think about me or his addiction. i figure, in time they will see for thenselves why he's not able to live at home with us and in the mean time, i chose to keep the focus on me. you are in my prayers.

ps. i agree with cynical about the childsupport. thats what worked for me.

I'm done with it

My AH just moved back with his mom. When I go to visit my dogs who are there (she has the big yard), she just glares at me. Whatever. She is a bitter woman and has never liked me. Now that I've kicked him out she hates me even more. But she can glare at me and hate me all she wants. It isn't like she is a great MIL to begin with so it is no loss.

I'm done with it

I agree with rayofsunshine - watch his actions and not his words.

Also, you may want to file some papers for your children. Maybe even get a restraining order so he can't come near your kids because you never know when he may be using and putting your kids in jeopardy. If he argues, just say whats the diff, you aren't there for them anyway.

MsPINKAcres

In my experience, mrsck, It's all about the disease of addiction.

The spouse of the A was the one shielding everyone from knowing what was truly going on - the "A's" side of the family probably has only heard their side of the story and most of the time there is some truth mixed in with embellishments or lies.

The nature of the disease in an A has them looking like a victim in all aspects - they must play themselves out as the injuried party to everyone that will listen - the denial is so deep even within themselves - most of them actually believe their own stories.

You have been greatly affected by your husband's addiction - so has his family -

I am not taking their side - I am just saying that when I felt so much anger, resentment almost hatred toward some of my ex AH's family - it was because I forget they too had so much pain in their lives because of this disease and they are doing the best they can with what knowledge they have of the disease.

Just a different perspective on how they might be thinking - who knows - most of all - please know it's probably not about you and even if it is YOU don't have to take it on!

Keep taking good care of you - try to make those decisions that are healthy and recovery oriented for YOU!!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
Rita

UNHAPPY777

I'm sorry you are going through this. My AH family has treated me the same way. But, they are on the outside looking in.......Now that he is living with them for a while they will be able to see the choas and confusion that he is causing. A word of advice to you is ...DO BE HIS SAVIOR!!!!!See now he has two places to run to! When he shows them who HE really is he will try top run to you for cover. Let him FALL!!!! and let them see how bad off he really is! My husband doesnt take his families calls or mine either......But they feel like oh he must b working hard...YEAH RIGHT!!!!! Since I put him out in November .....it has been more peaceful for me and my children. My grandmother always said healing takes TIME!!!! My prayers are with you and your kids

coffeedrinker

It is disheartening, but now you know the deal. Have the very least amount of contact w/him as possible, and do not ever expect him to be reasonable, mature or sane while he is using.

Good luck

cece1960

I can see cases that this seems the practical thing to do. I was one of those cases when my ex left me with no choice but to leave my home, three kids, two barely off of the hip.

We have often suggested that a member leave the home and stay with friends or loved ones. I think, under the right circumstances its perfectly appropriate.

I'm sorry msck, I know this isn't fair to you. But coffee drinker is right...there is no reasoning with an active addict.

(((Hugs)))

mrsck09

Thank you all for the words of wisdom! I missed my meeting but I had a conversation with my sponsor. She wants me to do action, action , action! keep busy with the kids and then pray to god !!! I met with the marriage counsler alone today. She said I cant see why your putting yourself through hell . he made his choice to leave, not to contact you , see his children and use drugs. I am going to re-read the language of letting go.. thanks again really need you all
hugs

hello-kitty

it's unfortunate, sad and unfair but what he does and what his family does is out of your realm of control. The only things you can control are your actions and your reactions to others.

I found that my life started getting better when I started focusing on me and my future and how I was going to provide for my child and protect him from his father's addiction.

All the pieces will start to fall into place once you do this. And you will regain some control over your world.

The serenity prayer helps me

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. (him)
The courage to change the things I can. (me)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Hang in there. It gets better once you take the focus off him and his failure, and put it on yourself and how you want to live your life.

Callie

BTDT - it's hard. For me, the BEST thing that I could do was avoid all unnecessary contact. MIL and I went head to head MANY times. In the end blood is thicker than h20. Save yourself ALOT of heartache and take the higher road. If he's living with them, they'll find out for themselves soon enough what you have been living with. I think if you click on my name you'll find a post about meddeling MIL. It was NOT a good situation for me at all.

Callie

bumped 4 u

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eling-mil.html