Sonatina

But I just need to vent to someone who possibly has more understanding about what's going on than I do.

I met my boyfriend 9 months ago. I did not realize that he had a problem with drinking until just a few months ago. That was mostly because I hadn't connected the emotional outbursts he had with the drinking. Seems like a pretty basic jump, but it honestly didn't hit me till my mom pointed it out.

Anyways, I've brought it up a few times. Always in a non-confrontational way. I've never made him feel like I was leaving him for it, or that I wasn't going to support him. I don't think he realizes just how much it hurts me every time he pours himself a drink.

I'm glad that he doesn't try and hide it from me. I think that would hurt me more than watching him drink. But the fact remains: every time I hear the freezer open, and the cap come off...I just want to cry.

I've asked that he doesn't drink while I'm at his place, because it never ends well for me. We'll get into a fight over something small, and I'll end up upset. He'll go to bed, and not remember anything the next morning (or at least that's how he acts).

A little background: I sent him a rather heartfelt e-mail about it a month and a half ago, a week before he was supposed to go home. I hardly saw him that week (we were both busy), and then he was gone. I have no idea what his drinking was like for that month, because I wasn't there and I didn't ask. We've been back to school about about a week and a half now, and he had been doing alright, I guess. He hadn't had a drink in front of me until two nights ago.

I had left his place to go to a meeting (I'm an RA on my campus). Two hours later, I come back and find him drunk. I was upset, needless to say. He didn't seem to understand why. I had to tell him that I was upset because I had asked him not to drink, and he had anyways.

Thankfully, we didn't get into a fight. We finished our movie and went to bed.

I have to ask: how long does it normally take for someone to realize they have a problem?

I understand sometimes they don't, and there might not be an "average time."

I know this probably sounds naive, but I do love this man. I am willing to stay with him so long as he's willing to get help. And I'm willing to stick it out as long as I can to help him when he sees he needs help. If his past actions are any indicator, I do think he'll realize he needs help. It's just going to be hard; I can't imagine a 17-year habit is going to go down easy.

I'm starting to feel a little hopeless. It's frightening to think that there's nothing I can do to make him realize. It also doesn't help that I only ever hear about how so-and-so couldn't do it and started to drink again, or how so-and-so never realized there was a problem in the first place.

If anyone has any (happy-ending) stories they'd like to share or links to other threads with stories, please do. I need a little hope right now. I need to know that it can be overcome, and that people can get better.

Thanks for reading.

iwantcontrol

my situation is very similar to yours - i also asked the same question about success stories because i was only seeing leaving as the final solution. feel free to look up my previous posts for the answers i received.

i too am planning to stay with my ABF as long as he seems to be making an effort to improve, although that does depend on how he treats me too. Unfortunatley mine does hide and lie about his drinking, so you've got one bonus there!

I wish you good luck.

stella27

I read your post, but based on my experience with an alcoholic college boyfriend and then a 15 year marriage to him and 3 children who don't deserve this hell, I can't offer you any hope for your boyfriend.

I would suggest that you focus on this aspect of alcoholism: It is progressive.

nodaybut2day

hi there,

perhaps you've heard these before, so forgive me if I'm repeating them to you: the 3 C's of addiction

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

I post these a lot because it seems that people who are just seeking out information or help for their loved one who happens to drink often wonder what they can do to "make" that loved on stop drinking or realize that they have a problem.

It's frightening to think that there's nothing I can do to make him realize.

It *is* frightening and frustrating and depressing when we realize and then slowly begin to accept that we can never control or influence the thoughts and actions of others. I still struggle with this daily.

The best thing you could do for your bf right now is focus on you. Let him decide whether or not he wants recovery. What about you? What do you want? What are your plans for your life?

Keep posting. This site is awesome.

sb0804

Unfortunately there isn't anything we can do to make them realize they have a problem. For my XAW it took the 4th arrest for her to stop and think that "maybe I have a problem"

FindingPeace1

Hooray for you seeing reality. Hooray for you looking for health!!

Welcome.


[QUOTE=Sonatina;2490977]I have to ask: how long does it normally take for someone to realize they have a problem?
I know this probably sounds naive, but I do love this man. I am willing to stay with him so long as he's willing to get help. And I'm willing to stick it out as long as I can to help him when he sees he needs help.
If anyone has any (happy-ending) stories they'd like to share or links to other threads with stories, please do. I need a little hope right now. I need to know that it can be overcome, and that people can get better.
QUOTE]

This was me all over. Just how I started posting. Just how I felt. Click on my name and Read More Posts to hear people's advice to me.

My AH has wonderful qualities that I really enjoy AND he is an alcoholic.

I asked about recovery/success stories, too. Someone said, "Yes, there are success stories, but as I recall, your husband isn't IN recovery, in fact he's not admitting he has a problem."
Oh, yea. That.

There is no recovery without recovery. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't in recovery, either.

How long will it take? Maybe a lifetime. You can't know. Trust me, there are many folk that went a lifetime with their alcoholic partners with no change or relapse after relapse.

There was a post asking "if you could go back, would you have married them (knowing what you know now)?" and 50 or so people answered, if I recall, and 99% saying the would NOT have married their alcoholic partner. Heavy stuff.

Some alcoholics go into recovery. Even if they do, its a long, hard road for everyone involved.

But the question we asked about success stories, shows our fantasy thinking. Deal with the unpleasant reality, not fantasy. You have an alcoholic partner.

I would "stick it out" too! I love him dearly. But he's not admitting there is a problem.

We have given over our attention and lives to our partners. We worry over them, care for them, think of them...and have neglected ourselves. Assuming you can't know if he will ever recover, assuming you can't help him/fix him/change him, assuming his alcoholism will get worse over time, what do you want in YOUR life? What kind of partner? What kind of life? Are you happy? Where are you going? How will you get there?

You have you to control/steer/direct/help.

Good luck.

Stick around.

Hugs

wife

ellie777

I, too, am looking for success stories I will share with you where I am. My AH recently admitted he had a problem and committed to stop drinking. He is going to AA and we are both seeking out support where we can find it. I consider this a success, but I also know it is going to be a hard path for both of us. I, too, will stay with him because I believe he is committed to this change- for himself first, then for us. And, I love him very much and understand that his problem is a disease. As long as he is willing to dedicate himself to what he can control (not taking that first drink), I can work on forgiving him for the past. My AH also never hid alcohol, cheated, etc., but his problem did immeasurable damage to our marriage all the same, but I believe we will come out stronger. Again, I consider this a success.

Some things to remember if you are looking for a similar (or better!) path for you and your ABF...you can do NOTHING to convince him he has a problem. He has to believe that himself. He can't want to change to save your relationship- he has to do it to save himself. There is no magic word, threat, or support you can give him to get him there. My AH reached this point because we were trying to start a family and he came home black-out drunk to my visiting mother. The details are awful, but the result was our family planning is on indefinite hold and my mom "knows." A lot led up to this point (therapy, previous trys at AA, "responsible drinking" etc.). This was his rock bottom- I thank god it wasn't worse. It also surfaced what I always felt was a "dirty little secret." He told my family, his family, our friends, etc.

Like I said, we are just at the beginning and I don't expect an easy path. I can't even be sure we will make it. My success story is that we are both finally being honest with ourselves and with each other and his recovery is his top priority...and I am taking care of myself before I take care of him.

Good Luck to you.

myawakening

Hello Sonatina...and welcome.

I have to ask: how long does it normally take for someone to realize they have a problem?

OK...my first primative reaction was this...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. You aren't married...there are no children yet...you haven't wasted your life cleaning up after him. Get out before he hurts you in so many ways you won't remember what you were like before 'him'. Sorry...I do have issues:-/

I wish I could give you positive news...but I don't have any. My AH and I have been married for almost 32 years...and he still doesn't get it. He's trashed our marriage, hurt me in so many ways, and his adult children have no respect for him.

I have left him and I feel better...much better. I was doing really well, but recently had a set back. I am working towards the day when I feel NOTHING for him...nothing at all. That day can't come soon enough!!! Until then...I am taking it one day at a time with the help of the amazing people here.

Your intuition is talking to you...listen to it. If you find problems with it now...it can only get worse. If he truly is an alcoholic...this is just the tip of the iceberg for you!!! The disease is progressive.

He has the problem...not you. Work on yourself and what you want. Let him worry about himself. You can not 'fix' him.

Come back often...this is good therapy...without the heavy price tag.
(((((HUGS)))))

TakingCharge999

Hi Sonatina, I also had a boyfriend, we lasted around 9 months as well. I realized he had a problem after moving in with him. My suggestion for you is: RUN AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. The pain you will feel from the separation is nothing, nothing at all, compared to what your life could be like..

Here in SR I am learning you got to live and take decisions based on the present. Not on wishful thinking. On the present actions. Not on the words or promises without substance. Turn off the volume. What do you see? he is already telling you the truth of who he is and what you mean for him.

I urge you to read more about the disease called alcoholism.... once you understand it is really a disease with very common patterns... (one of them the inability to be alone, because addiction needs someone to fix the disasters and make it ok) you will realize the alkie/codie dance is very sad and has nothing to do with love. Read around and know the faces of alcoholism... in my case, I attended some AA meetings because Al Anon was further away.. it was very helpful to me to know what recovery looks like, what it has taken other alcoholics, what an horrible string of losses and events has taken a handful of them to wake up to their reality... it was also powerful for me to tell my story to alcoholics and have their input. Its not the same for me to tell you "run" than to hear it from the scruffy voice of an alcoholic...or to see the weary eyes of a man with yellow skin, looking 20 years older than his age... that is when I saw everything discussed here is real... knowing early alcoholics is confusing and you think you are the only one who notices. But no, AA/Alanon/online forums/SR.. we all here get you.


Your happiness is not up to him or his drinking or lack of drinking. Xbf drank before, drank with me, drank without me, and one year after we broke up he is still drinking. He used to arrive to work with a hangover, now he arrives still drunk. He used to promise me in tears he would never insult me again. He used to say he needed to "cut back". He used to say I was the woman that he loved. All that was a show to have company, have sex, have a drinking partner. The moment I challenged it I was a disposable napkin. That is addiction.. you are either in or out. You are either a friend (drinker) or an enemy (someone who doesn't put up with their BS). Black and white. Its a world I don't ever want to visit again...



Although it hurts now its a blessing to see reality for what it is. I send you hugs and support... when I started posting I didn't get most of what people told me.. I wanted a magic solution and hope... sadly most of the stories end badly..for alcoholics in denial.

And many other stories have a happy ending although very often it is without the alcoholic in question, or with them but from a safe distance.

For many of us life is better without them, even if it still hurts sometimes.

Spiritual Seeker

If you don't want an alcoholic boyfriend...don't

If you don't want to be w/ someone who has bad behavior and drinks too much...don't

Dating is all about getting to know someone...don't dismiss what you are learning

Gold

I second that.
treat this relationship as a lessong in what you dont want.
this is not going to get any better.

Oh this is so true.
I live with but am not married to my AP but if I had known then what I know now I would not go past the stage where i relaised he had a problem.
I have been hanging in there for 2 years, leaving, separating reconciling. It is devastating and I am learning a progressive decline.

RUN

Eight Ball

I have been living with an alcoholic for more than 22 years. It was only recently that I had the lightbulb moment that this is what had been happening. Now when I think back about all the times that have hurt me badly, the ones that I still remember, they were all associated with alcohol.

I emailed a best friend recently and said the following:

If it was a brand new relationship and a man you have only been dating for a few weeks, was drinking heavily nearly every day and snapping at you, being verbally abusive and isolating himself, sitting outside drinking beer all evening on his own, or lying on the bed, on his own, with headphones, listening to music, then I wouldn’t think that it would be long before you were saying 'its over'.

Perhaps I was being hard on myself, we met at 15 yrs old and it has slowly got worse over the years - I wasn't healthy by then and didn't see it for what it was. I do now!

Tell yourself you deserve so much better because you do.