Immediate sick nervous feeling in the stomach – how to get rid?
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Immediate sick nervous feeling in the stomach – how to get rid?
So I’m learning how to detach (very very slowly) and I’m not very good at it. When things are going well for ABF I start thinking i’m doing well too, but as soon as something happens with him, I realise i’m not making any progress at all. When he phones up and i know he’s drinking or when i can’t get hold of him for hours on the phone, I immediately feel nervous and sick and can’t make it go away. I feel so worried that sometimes I lose my appetite and can’t concentrate on anything else. I am working on just trying to keep busy and focus on me but i just can’t get rid of that sick nervous stomach and the feelings that come with it. Is this normal? Any advice on stopping it?
And yes, you’d be right in thinking i’m feeling it right now after a phone call. He sounded as if he’d had a few drinks and was in a bad mood. He going to meet someone before i go round there as planned, so i expect that means more alcohol. I could have it wrong though. Why wont this sick feeling go away? Feeling trembly and nervous – i know it is silly.
And yes, you’d be right in thinking i’m feeling it right now after a phone call. He sounded as if he’d had a few drinks and was in a bad mood. He going to meet someone before i go round there as planned, so i expect that means more alcohol. I could have it wrong though. Why wont this sick feeling go away? Feeling trembly and nervous – i know it is silly.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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– i know it is silly.
Not silly by any stretch. I used to minimize my feelings in relation to all that alcoholism brought into my life too. That actually made me very sick!
Sit with that feeling, acknowledge its reality and then do something different with it. Instead of minimizing it, trust it. You are full of apprehension that he is drinking right now and that when you go to see him he will have been drinking? How about you don;t go to see him right now, since you know it's walking into an anxiety-filled hornet's nest for you?
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Instead of denying this feeling and going on about business as usual - shake yourself up and do something to really soothe this anxiety - hot bath? long session of repeating the serenity prayer? get to an AlAnon meeting? make an appt. with a new therapist?
take a walk? make a list of positive things you need to get done today and start tackling them?
Whatever it takes to take the focus off the connection between his behavior (drinking or not drinking) and your mood. With focus and practice you can take back the power and control over your moods and your experiences...just try something different - just for today!
Deep breath!
peace-
b
Not silly by any stretch. I used to minimize my feelings in relation to all that alcoholism brought into my life too. That actually made me very sick!
Sit with that feeling, acknowledge its reality and then do something different with it. Instead of minimizing it, trust it. You are full of apprehension that he is drinking right now and that when you go to see him he will have been drinking? How about you don;t go to see him right now, since you know it's walking into an anxiety-filled hornet's nest for you?
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Instead of denying this feeling and going on about business as usual - shake yourself up and do something to really soothe this anxiety - hot bath? long session of repeating the serenity prayer? get to an AlAnon meeting? make an appt. with a new therapist?
take a walk? make a list of positive things you need to get done today and start tackling them?
Whatever it takes to take the focus off the connection between his behavior (drinking or not drinking) and your mood. With focus and practice you can take back the power and control over your moods and your experiences...just try something different - just for today!
Deep breath!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
I can see that would be a good idea but i don’t think i can say to him that i’m not coming round because i think he’s been drinking. I think that would cause him to get annoyed and we’d probably have an argument, either tonight or tomorrow. Also, because i’ve not actually said i wont be around him when he’s drinking (we shared a bottle the other night – i know, probably bad idea) only that i don’t want to be around him drunk. And because i think he is planning on just cutting down alcohol not being abstinent.
The way i’ve interpreted taking care of myself lately has just been to carry on as normal with whatever i’ve planned, even if that is to go round to his when i suspect he’s been drinking. I expect that will change soon and i’ll accept that it is not a good idea. I want to spend time with him and i want to help him with his mental issues by being there if he needs me. I have to balance this with looking after myself – i’m working on it.
The sick feelings jsut tend to overwhelm me immediately and it is such a struggle to push them aside.
The way i’ve interpreted taking care of myself lately has just been to carry on as normal with whatever i’ve planned, even if that is to go round to his when i suspect he’s been drinking. I expect that will change soon and i’ll accept that it is not a good idea. I want to spend time with him and i want to help him with his mental issues by being there if he needs me. I have to balance this with looking after myself – i’m working on it.
The sick feelings jsut tend to overwhelm me immediately and it is such a struggle to push them aside.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
You don't need to tell him, just don't go around. Take the phone off the hook if you need to, get out of the house and visit a friend. If you have a boundary to not be with him when he is drunk then you don't need to validate it to him
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Pushing the feelings aside will only harm you. You cannot just 'get rid of' feelings. They come back later, and usually with a vengeance.
The only way to lessen the anxiety is to tackle the cause of it. That is your expectations. You know he will drink, but you don't want him to. That's your problem, not his. Acceptance is the key to ending your anxiety. Let go. Accept that he is a grown man who will do whatever he wants. It really has nothing to do with you. He is free to make his choices and there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices.
Don't want to be around him when he is drinking? Then don't go there. You don't get to choose what he does, you only get to choose what you do.
L
The only way to lessen the anxiety is to tackle the cause of it. That is your expectations. You know he will drink, but you don't want him to. That's your problem, not his. Acceptance is the key to ending your anxiety. Let go. Accept that he is a grown man who will do whatever he wants. It really has nothing to do with you. He is free to make his choices and there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices.
Don't want to be around him when he is drinking? Then don't go there. You don't get to choose what he does, you only get to choose what you do.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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That ole black magic huh?
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
The sick feelings jsut tend to overwhelm me immediately and it is such a struggle to push them aside.
I am an ACOA, a recovering alcoholic, and divorced from an alcoholic crack addict.
I think the sick feelings are trying desperately to tell you something.
Do not push them aside, listen to them.
I speak from experience when I say that the easier it gets to push those feelings away, the more room you make for pain and misery in your life.
Please take some time to consider this, why would you have sick feelings about seeing someone you love?
Beth
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
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A trick that works for me is to accept the nervous, sick feeling, and find a place inside myself to put it. Imagine a room labeled, "anxiety." Just put the feeling in the room, don't try to make it go away. Then mentally go to a different room for awhile.
When I learned to stop fighting my feelings but to not dwell inside of them all the time either, they got to be less of a handicap.
I second LaTeeDa about anxiety resulting from helplessness in the face of something one would like to control, but can't. So, act from a position you can control instead. Once you accept that he's going to drink, you can consider your choices. If you want to act as if everything is normal, that's one choice, if you want to not see him when he's drunk, that's another. Whatever works for you, you're free to do. That way, you're acting, not reacting.
When I learned to stop fighting my feelings but to not dwell inside of them all the time either, they got to be less of a handicap.
I second LaTeeDa about anxiety resulting from helplessness in the face of something one would like to control, but can't. So, act from a position you can control instead. Once you accept that he's going to drink, you can consider your choices. If you want to act as if everything is normal, that's one choice, if you want to not see him when he's drunk, that's another. Whatever works for you, you're free to do. That way, you're acting, not reacting.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
I have felt your sick feeling after not reaching my AH or hearing in his voice he's had a few. I've also felt bad/unsure about rushing to judgment on his drinking/being drunk. Some things I have learned- you don't need to explain in any excruciating detail when you do/don't want to be around him. If you are uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable. Don't try and explain this to him when he is drunk...tell him you're feeling sick/tired, whatever. Take care of yourself first. Talk to him when it can be productive.
Another thing I recently learned, when I don't say much my AH talks more and thinks more about his problem- not just responding to me. I'm not saying you should bottle up your feelings, but often times an alcoholic will say what needs to be said to remedy the immediate situation/hurt relationship. My AH recently admitted to his problem and started with AA. He spent many years trying to "drink responsibly" to failure. 19/20 times he was fine, but he was rolling the dice everytime. We have both learned that the only way for him to drink responsibly is to not take that first drink. For the time being, I have also stopped drinking to support him and give him "company" in tough social situations. You don't have to do this and I know I wasn't willing to until recently, but I think it will help.
So many people will say this, but just remember- you can't change him. You can only control yourself and your destiny. Good luck and thank you for sharing. I know it helps me to know I am not alone in this struggle with a loved one.
Another thing I recently learned, when I don't say much my AH talks more and thinks more about his problem- not just responding to me. I'm not saying you should bottle up your feelings, but often times an alcoholic will say what needs to be said to remedy the immediate situation/hurt relationship. My AH recently admitted to his problem and started with AA. He spent many years trying to "drink responsibly" to failure. 19/20 times he was fine, but he was rolling the dice everytime. We have both learned that the only way for him to drink responsibly is to not take that first drink. For the time being, I have also stopped drinking to support him and give him "company" in tough social situations. You don't have to do this and I know I wasn't willing to until recently, but I think it will help.
So many people will say this, but just remember- you can't change him. You can only control yourself and your destiny. Good luck and thank you for sharing. I know it helps me to know I am not alone in this struggle with a loved one.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Pushing the feelings aside will only harm you. You cannot just 'get rid of' feelings. They come back later, and usually with a vengeance.
The only way to lessen the anxiety is to tackle the cause of it. That is your expectations. You know he will drink, but you don't want him to. That's your problem, not his. Acceptance is the key to ending your anxiety. Let go. Accept that he is a grown man who will do whatever he wants. It really has nothing to do with you. He is free to make his choices and there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices.
Don't want to be around him when he is drinking? Then don't go there. You don't get to choose what he does, you only get to choose what you do.
L
The only way to lessen the anxiety is to tackle the cause of it. That is your expectations. You know he will drink, but you don't want him to. That's your problem, not his. Acceptance is the key to ending your anxiety. Let go. Accept that he is a grown man who will do whatever he wants. It really has nothing to do with you. He is free to make his choices and there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can do is make your own choices.
Don't want to be around him when he is drinking? Then don't go there. You don't get to choose what he does, you only get to choose what you do.
L
Another thing I noticed was that you said you were feel as though you have to make decisions because of how you anticipate he will react. I recognise that feeling and thinking! It's a huge problem for me- intense fear that some other person will be annoyed, angry, disapproving, or what-have-you. Even if things turn out in a way that the other person is nice, happy, approving, it is a nauseating way to live. It feels like being a yo-yo with someone else holding the string. I'm finding it really hard to cut the string, or not let it grow back. But I thought I'd bring it up for consideration.
As others have said, do what is right for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
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Our bodies are great barometers of the soul.
If youare feeling sick your body is sending you a strong message something is not right.
Listen to that message. honour yourself by staying true to your values. Look after your needs because who esle will.
Do you have a homeopathic remedy where you are called "Rescue Remedy". It is useful for calming anxiety in the short term with no pharmaceutic elements.
If youare feeling sick your body is sending you a strong message something is not right.
Listen to that message. honour yourself by staying true to your values. Look after your needs because who esle will.
Do you have a homeopathic remedy where you are called "Rescue Remedy". It is useful for calming anxiety in the short term with no pharmaceutic elements.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Is this normal? Any advice on stopping it?
Do you really want to stop it? break up with this person that cares more about going out for drinks than taking care of his girlfriend and building something nice.
I say your feelings are normal, you just can't trust him. He is not consistent and it seems won't be anytime soon.
I do not mean to sound harsh... I know how it feels not to know what the hell to expect next.... and the nice moments seem worth the bad ones.
But HP sent me a ray of light and I was able to tell the alcoholic I was not going to live not knowing when he would get drunk and abusive once again. That is not life. And I don't think that is love either. But only you know when you got enough on walking on eggshells...
Imagine he plans to drink the rest of his life... like Xbf told me (and one year later he seems on a quest to finish off whiskey in this world)... what then? who is seeing after your dreams? who is taking care of your heart and feelings?
Do you really want to stop it? break up with this person that cares more about going out for drinks than taking care of his girlfriend and building something nice.
I say your feelings are normal, you just can't trust him. He is not consistent and it seems won't be anytime soon.
I do not mean to sound harsh... I know how it feels not to know what the hell to expect next.... and the nice moments seem worth the bad ones.
But HP sent me a ray of light and I was able to tell the alcoholic I was not going to live not knowing when he would get drunk and abusive once again. That is not life. And I don't think that is love either. But only you know when you got enough on walking on eggshells...
Imagine he plans to drink the rest of his life... like Xbf told me (and one year later he seems on a quest to finish off whiskey in this world)... what then? who is seeing after your dreams? who is taking care of your heart and feelings?
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Originally Posted by blueblooms14
I think this is great.
Another thing I noticed was that you said you were feel as though you have to make decisions because of how you anticipate he will react. I recognise that feeling and thinking! It's a huge problem for me- intense fear that some other person will be annoyed, angry, disapproving, or what-have-you. Even if things turn out in a way that the other person is nice, happy, approving, it is a nauseating way to live. It feels like being a yo-yo with someone else holding the string. I'm finding it really hard to cut the string, or not let it grow back. But I thought I'd bring it up for consideration.
As others have said, do what is right for you.
Another thing I noticed was that you said you were feel as though you have to make decisions because of how you anticipate he will react. I recognise that feeling and thinking! It's a huge problem for me- intense fear that some other person will be annoyed, angry, disapproving, or what-have-you. Even if things turn out in a way that the other person is nice, happy, approving, it is a nauseating way to live. It feels like being a yo-yo with someone else holding the string. I'm finding it really hard to cut the string, or not let it grow back. But I thought I'd bring it up for consideration.
As others have said, do what is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Our fear and stress is our body trying to tell us something important. Only you know what your body is trying to tell you. You've gotten some good suggestions above....any of them resonate with you?
When you can put your own interests first, and not be so obsessed with his reactions to your choices, then your sick nervous stomach will be a thing of the past.
In the meantime, here's an exercise I did (and YES, it was normal for me too!)
I identified the feeling and gave it a name, so I could call it out: "Oh, I'm going to get all obsessy now."
Then I tried, gradually, day by day, to extend the amount of time I waited before reacting. The first day, I couldn't make it five minutes before I had to DO something -- call him, make a date, check up on him. Eventually, I could go a whole day, and felt much more in control of my obsessions.
And then one day, of course, I realized I didn't want someone in my life whose choices around alcohol gave me such stress, but that's not a foregone conclusion. Your life is your life.
Hoping you will take some time and work through these feelings, and judge for yourself whether you want to feel like this forever. Listen to your body.
When you can put your own interests first, and not be so obsessed with his reactions to your choices, then your sick nervous stomach will be a thing of the past.
In the meantime, here's an exercise I did (and YES, it was normal for me too!)
I identified the feeling and gave it a name, so I could call it out: "Oh, I'm going to get all obsessy now."
Then I tried, gradually, day by day, to extend the amount of time I waited before reacting. The first day, I couldn't make it five minutes before I had to DO something -- call him, make a date, check up on him. Eventually, I could go a whole day, and felt much more in control of my obsessions.
And then one day, of course, I realized I didn't want someone in my life whose choices around alcohol gave me such stress, but that's not a foregone conclusion. Your life is your life.
Hoping you will take some time and work through these feelings, and judge for yourself whether you want to feel like this forever. Listen to your body.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
I also understand these feelings of stress and anxiety. A while back, my husband was not working and drinking heavily all day on most days. I would try desperately to get a hold of him while I was on my lunch break and if I did reach him and he sounded okay - I could feel myself relax - it was a very physical feeling of relief. If I could not reach him or I could tell he was drunk, then the worry and anxiety had a hold of me the rest of the day and I would race home like a maniac to make sure he was okay. It was a horrible and painful time in my life.
My solution? I stopped calling him on my lunch break and just waited until I got home to assess the situation.
It was difficult at first, but I started to feel so much better...
My solution? I stopped calling him on my lunch break and just waited until I got home to assess the situation.
It was difficult at first, but I started to feel so much better...
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Wow, thanks for all the replies –at least i can see i’m not crazy and others have experienced the same thing. You have given me some good advice and i hope i can try to put some of it into practice. I especially like the idea of waiting longer before responding each time and i have been trying to do this. He now seems to be in a pattern of sometimes drinking before i go round there but stopping so he is not drunk, but it is still very noticeable.
I’ve tried bringing his drinking up again when he’s sober but he really doesn’t want to talk about it. I know i’m going to have to tell him some boundaries for me regarding his drinking, once i’ve worked them out, and then rigidly stick to them.
I was thinking of saying that I won’t spend time with him when he has been drinking beforehand, and I won’t be around him when he is very drunk. Does that sound reasonable as a boundary? The only problem with enforcing the part about not being around him if he’s been drinking, is that i can’t always be 100% when i speak to him on phone or by text that he has been drinking – usually i have an inkling but not definite. Also, sometimes if i can’t get hold of him it doesn’t necessarily mean he is drinking, so i might go round to his house and then find out he has been so i will then have to leave – this is annoying for me because i wonder why i should have to suffer and make my way home again, and also it makes the situation harder to handle when face to face. Invariably i get upset and don’t want to leave and be on my own. Guess i just need to be tougher. This boundary setting is so difficult!
So, for the rest of the day i will not contact him, but i will reply if he contacts me.
And i have tried Rescue Remedy before and I do have some Kalms tablets for stress that i should start taking again, thanks for the reminder.
I’ve tried bringing his drinking up again when he’s sober but he really doesn’t want to talk about it. I know i’m going to have to tell him some boundaries for me regarding his drinking, once i’ve worked them out, and then rigidly stick to them.
I was thinking of saying that I won’t spend time with him when he has been drinking beforehand, and I won’t be around him when he is very drunk. Does that sound reasonable as a boundary? The only problem with enforcing the part about not being around him if he’s been drinking, is that i can’t always be 100% when i speak to him on phone or by text that he has been drinking – usually i have an inkling but not definite. Also, sometimes if i can’t get hold of him it doesn’t necessarily mean he is drinking, so i might go round to his house and then find out he has been so i will then have to leave – this is annoying for me because i wonder why i should have to suffer and make my way home again, and also it makes the situation harder to handle when face to face. Invariably i get upset and don’t want to leave and be on my own. Guess i just need to be tougher. This boundary setting is so difficult!
So, for the rest of the day i will not contact him, but i will reply if he contacts me.
And i have tried Rescue Remedy before and I do have some Kalms tablets for stress that i should start taking again, thanks for the reminder.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
but i just can’t get rid of that sick nervous stomach and the feelings that come with it. Is this normal? Any advice on stopping it?
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