Redheadsusie

Well- AH had promised (yea right) to cut back on drinking to give up pot to try to be not so angry at the world and to not go to bed every night at 7 or 7:30 . Well- He has done nothing..nothing.... I am surprised ...No... I am disappointed...Yes. This weekend he asked me if I found any 18 or 19 year olds to have sex with while I was at my sons college spending the night with him going to a basketball game while I took him back to school.. Saturday he told my other son and me that my behavior was like my horrible father's who has driven away everyone in his life because of being a huge bully and alcoholic ( I don't drink ) - That was because I asked him if he cut down the temperature on the hot tub- I know that is mean as crap but I roll that way - and last night he called my son who starts colllege next year a punk and told all of our friends I am a B to live with. Lovely Man! He got drunk as hell at our friends house and then when we came home at 10:30 - we live in the country- he had to run an errand. mmmmm - pot time. My codependent personality wanted to follow but I distracted myself.

Question- Does detaching mean you totally live your own life and have nothing to do with them? I ask him to do stuff - he says no - always has excuses and yells- I do not let his anger bother me now - I ignore him- live my life with my dogs and sons and have a great life besides him. My detaching makes him so angry and he claims I am withholding love. Again- I have mentioned this before- how do you give love to someone who hates themselves, hated anyone else who is living life and calls you names. Sice I returned from VT with my son - I have been sleeping in extra room- the smell of his nasty alcohol breath is sickening to me. He hates everone and everything. He is 47- 50 lbs overweight- so angry - he may blow at any minute and I would be better off. I am working me ass off to get away from him one day. Last night he also called me his future x wife and told everyone he knew they were my friends before his. Hello...... That is because people like nice people .

nodaybut2day

Redheadsusie...did you marry my XAH by any chance?! Yours sounds exactly like mine was.

I don't know if you're new to this board, so let me just post the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

The last one seems particularly relevant to what's in your post because you mention asking your AH to do things and then feeling angry/hurt that he doesn't do them. Yes, you are *asking*. But in a very real way, you want your AH to live the way you think is best for him. You have the best intentions, but please realize that those will lead you nowhere. He does the things he does because a) he's an alcoholic and loves his booze more than anything, even you, and b) he may be a bit of cruel *******.

Regarding detaching, for me, it meant focusing on what my reactions were with regards to my XAH drinking. At some point, I decided that I wouldn't buy alcohol for him anymore. Then I decided I wouldn't go out to get it for him even though he gave me money. Then I decided that I wouldn't be in the same room as him if he called me names, broke things or got angry.

I can't answer your question about giving love while detaching because for me, the love had already been melted away when I started this process. XAH destroyed my feelings for him by constantly abusing me. I was able to treat him politely while keeping to my boundaries and respecting my needs.

In your case, you simply cannot change your AH's outlook on life, you cannot change how angrily he reacts to every single thing, or how much he drinks/smokes weed. You CAN change what you do about it and how you live with it.

So, what do you want out of life? What are your goals? What are you willing to live with?

Keep posting. This place is SO worth it!

Redheadsusie

Thank you for your note. I am not new - I leave for a while posting that is and read and absorb. I know I do want him to change .. but am realizing slowly that he will always be this angry miserable person. I do not want to live like this .. I do not want to grow old with this person who is so angry. I have way to much joy in me. I will leave when I am ready..whenever that is. Today he is alone at his parents house as they are out of town so he can drink and smoke and be miserable. What a waste . I wish you do not know my husband so well ...if yours is half the jerk mine is. I am sorry . Today I am here with my greyhound and my son is coming home at 4. It is a great day and I am blessed with what I do have.

GiveLove

This way of living is not good for you, and not good for your children.

I'm unsure why you'd continue to live in such an abusive, verbally violent, nasty, stress-ridden environment......and teach your sons that it's okay to live this way in the process (if you doubt for a moment that they aren't learning how to be men from your AH, don't) Why do this? Is this the life you dreamed of as a little girl?

Life can be so much better.

LaTeeDa

In answer to your question--how can someone be so cruel? I would say he can because you allow it. People will treat us only as badly as we let them. Why are you letting him?

L