KerBearz

Hi Everyone,

I am new to SR and I wanted to share a little about my story. I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 22 years and have 3 children (the youngest will be 18 this year). There has not ever been a time in our relationship that alcohol has not been an issue. The last few years have been progressively much worse - my husband has developed medical issues and many legal issues associated with his alcohol use. He received his 3rd DUI about 18 months ago and has been in jail a couple of more times for probation violation. His next DUI will be a felony... etc, etc, etc. You all know the story.

Here is my question - why am I finding it so hard to force him to leave? Every professional and Al-Anon friend think I need to kick him out or report him to his probation officer, but every time I come close to making this decision and enforcing it - I just panic and can't do it? I do have some financial concerns, but I have a great job and make pretty good money. I do love my husband and am able to enjoy him when he is sober, but when he is drinking... he is like an explosive timebomb! He is still driving drunk (or arriving home drunk) and I am very concerned about the welfare of others.
Here's where I am at now...
I am not concerned about his legal problems or him suffering the consequences of his actions - I am only concerned that he will hurt someone else. I would call the police if he left the house intoxicated and drove off somewhere in order to protect others.
I am not terribly concerned about his medical problems and the choices he makes there. I am saddened by it, but not overly worried.

When he is sober - he is sorry for his actions and his hurtful words. He says that he knows he MUST stop drinking to save his life (but he doesn't), he says he loves me - loves the kids - won't do it again - will go to more AA meetings - will go to another outpatient treatment (he's been to many inpatient/outpatient treatments in the past 18 months) - and on and on. He asked me last night (after a 3 hour nap and had sortof sobered up) if I thought he would ever "kick this"... I told him that I believe it is absolutely possible, but only if he does something different than what he's been doing. He says that he believes he will.
I am feeling better since going to Al-Anon, but now I think I need to take the next step. Why is this so hard? I feel like I've jumped around and rambled on, but hopefully you get the gist. I would appreciate your ideas and feedback. Thanks for listening...

silentjane44

You have a history with this man and he has become a part of you. What people don't realize is when they give that kind of advise such as "kick his as* out, put him on the street, pack up and leave him" that its NOT easy to do that regardless of how this human being behaves in life. More than likely those who give that kind of advice have never had to do it themselves. I wondered about why my mother put up with the abuse she did from my father when I was a child. He put her in the hospital MANY times. She never left him. He was all that she had out of life besides me. She didnt work for a living and had only a few friends to confide in. He was such a part of her she couldn't seperate from.
Could that be your case also and if it is than there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. Fate will step in and make things happen, but in the mean time you have to be good to yourself and keep yourself strong. It sounds like you are already on the road to detatchment which is a good sign. Have faith that you are already taking the right steps. Don't feel bad about not being able to leave him or kick him out. That is just torturing yourself.

myawakening

"I do love my husband and am able to enjoy him when he is sober"

Ker...there is your answer. You still love him and you value the years you've had together...the life you shared for so long. It's hard to walk away from. I know from experience...I left after 31 years.

Your husband has to find his own way to recovery. You can't push, control, demand, threaten, or bargan with him to do it. If he does it for anyone other than himself...the first time he is mad at that person or feels entitled...he will slip. Classic behavior.

You may wonder when he will 'get with it' and seek help. It will not happen before he is ready and the ready part comes when he can fully admit to the world and himself that he has a problem and is powerless over it. It's sad to say...but they need to sink VERY far before that happens...if it happens at all.

It seems like with the path he has chosen...it may not be long before he does hit bottom. At the end of the day...its up to a Higher Power as to what happens to him.

Take care of yourself. Continue with your detachment and going to Al Anon. Come here...post and read often...this site is filled with amazing people with vast amounts of knowledge on this subject.

If you can...get some legal advice on your shared liabillity should he end up hurting someone while under the influence. Here in my state it falls on us both if something should happen. I am holding my breath until my divorce is final.

Best of luck...we are here if you need us.

(((HUGS)))

Still Waters

The pain of staying with him isn't more than the pain you feel over leaving him.

That would be my guess. We all have to do what we need to do, on our own timetables.
You're sorting things in your mind, that's a fabulous beginning.

tjp613

Something you should keep in mind is this: If he were to seriously injure or, God forbid, kill someone, you will lose everything. The victims will sue for every last penny you have between you.

I'm glad you found SR. Welcome.

KerBearz

Thank you for the feedback. The truth is that my emotions are ALL over the place. Sometimes I think that I cannot do this for one more minute... and then the feeling passes. What I truly desire is peace and serenity - I deserve to know at the end of each day that my home will be a peaceful, comfortable place. It really angers me that I still allow my peace of mind to be determined by whether my AH is sober or not. A "good" day or weekend should not be determined by another person's moods and actions! That is what I am struggling with.
On the flip side - my AH is admitting his disease and admitting he needs and wants help. He says that sobriety is just so much harder than he imagined it would be.
I pray each and every day for guidance from God for MY life... and I pray that when and if I should leave my husband, it will be made clear to me. I don't intend to spend the rest of my life in chaos. I still can't help worrying and obsessing about it...

KerBearz

You are right, tjp. I worry about it constantly!

tjp613

Can you get him to agree to give up his license and his keys? Those would be some serious consequences for his choice to drink AND provide you with a wee bit of peace.

KerBearz

I cannot see any chance that he would agree to that. I think the only way he would stop driving is if he is incarcerated.

Pelican

I was a SAHM (stay at home mom) for 12 years. My husbands alcoholism was progressing, our debts were mounting, and I was sick and tired of the broken promises. My husband never got a DUI while we were married. But I lived in fear of that happening. We would be wiped out and loose our home if he got the DUI.

I was also walking on eggshells in the marriage. I was always trying to orchestrate his time off to prevent an early drunk. Always hoping to keep him from getting drunk before 6 p.m. I was also financial secretary so he wouldn't have to face the bills. I was always trying to find ways to make everyone happy and peaceful in the hopes that he wouldn't have an angry outburst. I was living in fear and I was exhausted.

I left my AH (alcoholic husband) and filed for divorce. I had gone back to work. Then took on another job. I worked two jobs for a while and then I was able to move back into my old career. I am working my way back up in a job I love.

I left even though he offered to get sober. Why? Because he had been sober before. Sober is not the same as recovering. Just putting down the bottle was not going to teach him new coping skills. Putting down the beer was not going to make him a responsible parent, partner or husband. He needed to work on the issues that alcohol was drowning.

I wanted more for my life. I wanted my children to believe in me. I wanted to be a better example of making healthy choices, no matter how difficult.

I should also mention that my ex did get sober. He worked with a sponsor in AA for a few months, but moved away and has not pursued any further recovery.

If you read some of the permanent posts at the top of this forum (called sticky posts) you will find more of our stories.

Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed. We're here to support you.

barb dwyer

uh.... welcome!

Gold

I think KerBearz you answered your own question.
You love him
You dont want the relationship to end just his behaviour.

I wish that too but know deep down it is not going to happen.

KerBearz

I have a couple of things I have been thinking about.

I think the thing I fear the most about changing my marital situation is that I would have to give up the facade that I have been living behind. I am an extremely private person - always in control. I am fine, thank you very much! And then someone shared with me the definition of f.i.n.e. (f'd up, insecure, neurotic and emotional!) Yep, that's pretty much it! I am definitely fine. I have not shared my life and situation with very many people and it is most recently that I have shared anything at all. To the rest of the world (my friends, coworkers, parents, siblings, children) it doesn't look like I need ANY help at all! It is very hard to crack that shell I have built around myself! The destruction of my marriage would be shocking to most and create a lot of unwanted attention to me.

Another thing... to end my marriage would take a lot of courage, conviction and energy! I am pretty low of all three. I am strong when I need to be (for someone else's sake). As far as conviction goes - I am not absolutely sure! without a doubt! what the RIGHT thing to do is. I am waiting for a neon sign from God, I guess. As far as energy goes - well, I don't have much extra than what I need to maintain this crazy life!

nodaybut2day

KerBearz...when you are ready, you'll make the leap. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Perhaps consider counselling for yourself, so you have an outlet to let all this stuff out.

Change is certainly frightening and uncomfortable...but no one ever died from discomfort.

Keep posting

myawakening

KerBerz-I have to agree with Ndb2d. Nothing will happen until you are ready for change. How and when you get there will be on your timetable and not a minute sooner. Trust this.

"As far as conviction goes - I am not absolutely sure! without a doubt! what the RIGHT thing to do is. I am waiting for a neon sign from God, I guess."


It normally doesn't come via a neon sign:-)! Oh...how many of us wished it did. But when the moment is right...you will know and until it does...focus on what makes YOU happy. How will you get through each day?

If you decide to leave him...will it be difficult? I won't lie to you. Yes, at times it will be. You can not be married to someone for 22 years and have three children with this person and not feel the loss. I had 31 years.

What you will get in exchange, is your own life to live...and on your own terms.

While you are working through your process...be kind to yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over things that are out of your control. You are ultimately only responsible for your own behavior anyway. When you let go of the assumption that you can control the behaviors of others...the feeling is wonderful.

One day at a time...one moment at a time if necessary.

Come back often...we are here for you!

KerBearz

I appreciate the encouragement. Thank you.

naive

hi and welcome kerbearz-

for myself, it took awhile for me to come out of my denial. as i continued to educate myself about alcoholism (here, alanon and open AA), i began to see and understand how deep mine was in active alcoholism.

it took awhile.

then, when he did predictable alcoholic things, SR-voice-in-head started counseling me on-the-spot. he would do or say something manipulative, controlling or blaming and i became "the observer". i didn't react or speak back as i used to do. i didn't "take the bait".

once i moved into the oberserver, then it became quite clear how much he was playing me to support his habit.

and then the next time he risked his life or mine, i was no longer a voluntary participant.

that was the progression for me.

and i do empathise with the low energy and the feeling that you can not muster the mere strength required to make a change. try taking the energy focus off of him and set it to getting stronger yourself. for me, that meant moving into my own bedroom so i had some peace and could sleep, eating healthy foods, getting a walk everyday in the fresh air.

naive

stella27

Hey Kerbearz, and welcome!
I wanted to remark on something you said about the facade of a life you are living, and honestly, somewhat comfortable in.

I went to AlAnon about 4 years ago for one meeting with a friend. I then went for the second time yesterday. Now I know I will keep going.

It occurred to me yesterday (post-separation, rapidly approaching divorce finalization) at the meeting that what had kept me from coming back to AlAnon when God knows, I NEEDED it, was the facade that you are talking about. AH and I are both attorneys in a small city. We live in a close-knit neighborhood, I am active at church and was active in junior league and other civic organizations. We were both visible and active in our children's schools...his parents have good reputations in town and are well-known, and I didn't want to crack the facade and blow us all out into the open. 15 years of marriage, 3 gorgeous kids.

So I kept myself away from cameraderie; understanding; help; support; knowledge; and enlightenment to protect our facade of perfect lives.

Ultimately the solitude and isolation got to me, and then once I started to detach from him, his behavior escalated, and I did get several neon signs from God.

But I am so glad that you are going to al-anon and that you have found us. We are here for you, and we are all in this boat together.