LeeRoy

Just not like this. I keep reading threads about "knowing" when it's time to cut them loose and let them find the bottom. My problem is that I want a life with him. We've raised our kiddos and now that it's our turn to spend our lives together I finally am going to Alanon and learning how to detach. While I suspect at some point a seperation will cause him to find his bottom and seek help on his own I am not sure it will be soon enough for us to have a life together. I enjoy quite a a lot of my life with my husband, he is beautiful, caring, funny, smart, but he is also an alcoholic. Several times he has agreed to pursue sobriety but has never attended a meeting or worked a program or gotten any type of help whatsoever from a professional. His sobriety is always short-lived and a little bit of the goodness leaves us each time.

I am so relieved when he is gone but I mourn what could have been and what was suppose to be. I feel cheated. I want him in my life. I know how to detach and have done that but I don't know how to want a life without him. I am good with the thought of day-to-day without him but damn I hate the thought of a lifetime without him.

Janitw

We have all felt that way about our loved ones sweetie....its very very hard. But what you must remember is that this is a very progressive disease and without help I don't hold out much hope for his sobriety. He needs a step program at the very least can you convince him to go to inpatient treatment?

Janitw

Jadmack25

I also wanted to and expected to grow old with my husband, but after 27 years I left him and he grew old, ill and demented with his wine cask.
I married him, not to to share him with his drinking, or to end up with a man who drank all day, staggered around and lost everything I had loved in him.

The man I left was NOT anything like the man I had been with for over twenty years, and as he was not coming back I got out. As for treatment, well, he had NO trouble with drinking, it was all me, so AA and rehab never got a look in.

He died last year, a miserable wreck and the sight of him nearly broke my heart.

I wish you all the best, but like Janitw, I don't hold out much hope right now.

God bless

nodaybut2day

From your post, it seems like you want a life with the person he *could be* if he were not an alcoholic. But he is. He is exactly the person he is willing to be, no more, no less.

I understand the disappointment and "mourning the dream" of what you could have been together. The grief is entirely normal. Perhaps adding to it an understanding and acceptance that he does not want this dream may help your mourn. He wants his addiction, and your post indicates that he is not willing to give it up for anything.

I'm sorry this sucks so much!

Forever4you

I understand your pain. I understand every last wish, hope, dream, desire etc. that you have. I felt (still feel) the exact same way. But what I finally realized was that my only hope to save his life was for me to save mine. I walked. I filed for divorce. I let him hit bottom.

His family and I all met and he was allowed to choose between a rehab for the third time or being picked up by the police and committed. The choice was his and we no longer cared. Or at least that is how we presented it to him. He chose rehab and I dropped him at the door and walked away. I never visited. His family never visited. He left there 30 days later sober with no place to go and was taken to a half way house where he still lives right now. He had no money, no job, no car, no food, no place to live.

Was it easy for me? Hell no! I thought I was going to die. I laid in the floor curled up in a bll and cried until I thought I would die. I went days without sleep. I went to Al Anon. I found this site. I prayed. I saw a counselor and little by little I begin to find ME. I was free. Peace was restored. The Alcoholic chaos was gone. I discoverd I was codependent. I discovered I had been enabling. I discovered he was in the shape he was in because I had not walked away sooner. All my efforts to make him better had made him worse! And in the process I had lost myself.

And guess what? He is still sober. He is attending AA everyday. He is working at a good job. He is working the 12 steps. He is getting his life back together without one tiny bit of help from me. And he and I now talk on a regular basis. We still love each other very much. We hope to one day reconcile. But we have agreed that his recovery MUST be the priority for now and my recovery MUST be the priority for now. If a year goes by and we both still feel the same and he is still living a life of sobriety and working a recovery program we may try to reconcile. And if not, we hope to both be healthy enough to move on with life knowing we are better for it.

You will never know if there is a chance unless you both get healthy. He has to want to get healthy. You can't do it for him. Take care of you. Everything else will fall into place.

stella27

I guess I should feel lucky that my STBXAH had long ago stopped being someone I wanted to be around.

I mourn who he was; who I thought he was; all his wonderful characteristics that he traded for alcohol; the father figure in an intact home, but my kids and I have gone forward without him and he gets to be exactly who he wants to be.

If you enjoy your AH's company enough to stick around and enjoy your time with him, then really, you don't have a conflict. It's okay to stay. It's whatever you want to do.

FindingPeace1

I read forever4you's post and I feel that sense of balance and ease. OH LORDY! That's GOOD STUFF! Like a breath of fresh air into my heart! Not the choices she made, but the balance. The acceptance. The falling back into the arms of wisdom and trust and KNOWING this too shall pass and she is moving forward!

Leeroy, I said the same thing!
I want him! I want our dream! I married him for a reason! I love him!

My husband is like AH-lite. Very little drama compared to most stories here. He's smart, educated, funny, gorgeous, fit, outdoorsy, vegetarian like me, does the dishes and the laundry...he's fully functioning, just hiding, sneaking, lying and drinking (along with other hidden addictions). When I don't talk about it, he's amazing. In fact, right now he's back to relatively happy, wonderful husband. But I know the totality of him and what I get with this relationship.
And what I want is the him that does not include the gunk. The deception and stuckness and hopelessness and defensiveness and anger and shame and lying and and and.

I like the GOOD stuff! And I WANT THAT!

But, alas, he's a whole package. He IS the yuck. I get the package or nothing. And you do, too.

We can mourn together.

Hugs,
Wife

myawakening

LeeRoy...so many of us have been exactly where you are now.

My marriage was over after 31 years of living with an A. If determination and love could help him get better...my STBXAH would be long sober by now. But nothing I could do or say would make it better...so I left.

What I do know (and I know this from my own personal experience) is that I may not have left my husband had I come here to SR and Al Anon first. That thought makes me sad because we might have still been together. So much damage has been done to our relationship we can't go back.

While reading here at SR daily...I learned that he has a disease and because of that...it's not totally his fault. I learned that his cure and treatment will have to be done by him...not me. I also learned how I could detach myself from the situation...but not him. This whole detatchment thing really works because no matter how hard he tries to push my buttons...I won't let him. I just detach...and honestly...its been much easier on me than going through another round of garbage that will never change.

I miss the man I married those 31 years ago, but I also know that man will never come back. I miss the nice easy financially secure life I had when I lived with him, but it came with a price...the madness that is alcohol addiction.

What I didn't know until I moved out...was how quiet I am now that I am away from the situation...what peace to know my days and nights are what I want them to be...and how good it feels to have the weight lifted off of me.

Keep coming back here to your friends at SR and do your work with Al Anon. You will eventually find the peace that is right for you!

Good luck...we are here for you!

(((((HUGS)))))

Jadmack25

Been where you are, when with late AH and until recently with abf.
Both experiences were miserable, hard and soul destroying for me.
All I can say is that strengthening myself and learning what I needed was a great start to healing the hurt and damage I incurred along the way.

Supportive people here on SR have been a Godsend, and lightened the load so much during my journey. I hope you have the same results here.

God bless