I've Missed this Forum........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
I've Missed this Forum........
Hello All,
It's been a good couple of years since my last visit here to SR. I have recently been lurking in the background reading so many posts of the men and women struggling with where I used to be, that I thought I would share what life is like when you make a plan and finally stick to it (to make a better life for ourselves and our children I mean)
I spent a total of 8 years with my EXAB. 6 of those years we lived together with my two sons and our daughter. I experienced all the same highs and lows of living with an alcoholic that we codies live through. The last time I posted, I believe it was in regards to how to get that damn alcoholic a**hole out of my house. By my house I mean "my house." I bought it, I paid for it(with some help for him) I realize now, that I was just prolonging making the plans that I desperately needed to make. I truly believed that he would one day "get it" and make the necessary changes to keep this family together.
This would not happen.
In December of 2007, my morning at work would start at 7 am with a crippling phone call from our nearest hospital. They were so sorry, they were able to start her heart again in the ambulance, but she later died at the hospital. My mother was gone. Aside from my brother who lived in another province, she was all I had. I was completely and utterly alone. I had turned 40 that year and my mother and I had spent the last couple of years she was alive so wrapped up in my miserable life with my alcoholic that I never just enjoyed my relationship with her. She was the one who would stay up all night on the phone with me because my EXAB was missing again. She was the one that would always listen and never judge. All she would ever say to me is "I wan't your life to be better...I want my daughter back"
The day of my Mother's funeral, my then 14 year old son came to me and said...I can't believe that **** is watching porn on the computer right before we go to Nanny's funeral. I was floored. It was like a light finally went on inside my head. Life was always about his him and this damn disease.
I spent the next month off of work getting my mother's estate in order with my brother. He would have to go back home after we were done clearing out her apartment and had everything in order. It was truly the most difficult time of my life. Living with an active alcoholic was nothing compared to this. Now when I tell you that I spent that time wisely, that is exactly what I did. My brother and I made a plan. I guess my mom shared more of my life with my brother than I had realized. He told me quite simply that I needed to get my sh** together and get the hell out of there. The day I took my brother to the airport he looked at me and said.." Look, I need a place to stay when I come home every month(he works in the northern oil refineries. 28 days on..7 days off)sell the house, give him his share, and we'll by a place together. Start looking.
So that's what I did. I went home and told my alcoholic..I'm done. I'm selling the house and I'm leaving for good. He laughed at me and told me that he was the best thing that happened to me and no one else would want me. However, you're not taking my daughter. I laughed at him and said try and stop me. There is not a judge in this country that would give an addict like you custody.
I went online, found a mortgage broker that would give him a mortage, financed his downpayment, drew up a contract and convinced him that buying me out would benefit him in so many ways. He didn't have to move, he couldn't get roommates to pay his mortgage for him etc. I sold him the house in March of 2008. I continued to live there until the end of May. Can you believe that he damanded rent for those two months. I paid willingly knowing that it was almost over.
June 1, 2008 my brother flew in to help me move into our new home. It is beautiful in a lovely neighborhood. My EXAB had our daughter for that weekend to visit his parents and was literally shocked when he dropped her off. Calls me a "high roller" now.
Fast forward to today. I have a beautiful home with no alcoholic drama. I don't wait up all night wondering if he is going to come home. I don't walk on eggshells wondering if he's going to bring home a case of beer. My children don't listen to us fighting anymore. I don't spend my time trying to figure out if he is lying again. I don't worry about where he spends his money. You guys know what I'm talking about. This list could go on and on.
So the moral of this story is this. If you want peace bad enough you can have it. I am a 42 year old single mother of three children. I work long hours to support us all. I have never looked back. I am so proud of how far I have come. I don't for one minute regret my decision. I used to think the my EXAB would get sober after I left, but that never happened. If anything he got worse. I am still a codie and have continued to make codie mistakes. I have made a few since I left in regards to be EXAB. I continue to be a work in process. You can have this life I you want it bad enough. I wanted it bad enough.
Wow, I didn't think I would ramble this much. If anything maybe this story will help one of you who finds themselves living in that dark place I used to live. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. Thanks for reading
It's been a good couple of years since my last visit here to SR. I have recently been lurking in the background reading so many posts of the men and women struggling with where I used to be, that I thought I would share what life is like when you make a plan and finally stick to it (to make a better life for ourselves and our children I mean)
I spent a total of 8 years with my EXAB. 6 of those years we lived together with my two sons and our daughter. I experienced all the same highs and lows of living with an alcoholic that we codies live through. The last time I posted, I believe it was in regards to how to get that damn alcoholic a**hole out of my house. By my house I mean "my house." I bought it, I paid for it(with some help for him) I realize now, that I was just prolonging making the plans that I desperately needed to make. I truly believed that he would one day "get it" and make the necessary changes to keep this family together.
This would not happen.
In December of 2007, my morning at work would start at 7 am with a crippling phone call from our nearest hospital. They were so sorry, they were able to start her heart again in the ambulance, but she later died at the hospital. My mother was gone. Aside from my brother who lived in another province, she was all I had. I was completely and utterly alone. I had turned 40 that year and my mother and I had spent the last couple of years she was alive so wrapped up in my miserable life with my alcoholic that I never just enjoyed my relationship with her. She was the one who would stay up all night on the phone with me because my EXAB was missing again. She was the one that would always listen and never judge. All she would ever say to me is "I wan't your life to be better...I want my daughter back"
The day of my Mother's funeral, my then 14 year old son came to me and said...I can't believe that **** is watching porn on the computer right before we go to Nanny's funeral. I was floored. It was like a light finally went on inside my head. Life was always about his him and this damn disease.
I spent the next month off of work getting my mother's estate in order with my brother. He would have to go back home after we were done clearing out her apartment and had everything in order. It was truly the most difficult time of my life. Living with an active alcoholic was nothing compared to this. Now when I tell you that I spent that time wisely, that is exactly what I did. My brother and I made a plan. I guess my mom shared more of my life with my brother than I had realized. He told me quite simply that I needed to get my sh** together and get the hell out of there. The day I took my brother to the airport he looked at me and said.." Look, I need a place to stay when I come home every month(he works in the northern oil refineries. 28 days on..7 days off)sell the house, give him his share, and we'll by a place together. Start looking.
So that's what I did. I went home and told my alcoholic..I'm done. I'm selling the house and I'm leaving for good. He laughed at me and told me that he was the best thing that happened to me and no one else would want me. However, you're not taking my daughter. I laughed at him and said try and stop me. There is not a judge in this country that would give an addict like you custody.
I went online, found a mortgage broker that would give him a mortage, financed his downpayment, drew up a contract and convinced him that buying me out would benefit him in so many ways. He didn't have to move, he couldn't get roommates to pay his mortgage for him etc. I sold him the house in March of 2008. I continued to live there until the end of May. Can you believe that he damanded rent for those two months. I paid willingly knowing that it was almost over.
June 1, 2008 my brother flew in to help me move into our new home. It is beautiful in a lovely neighborhood. My EXAB had our daughter for that weekend to visit his parents and was literally shocked when he dropped her off. Calls me a "high roller" now.
Fast forward to today. I have a beautiful home with no alcoholic drama. I don't wait up all night wondering if he is going to come home. I don't walk on eggshells wondering if he's going to bring home a case of beer. My children don't listen to us fighting anymore. I don't spend my time trying to figure out if he is lying again. I don't worry about where he spends his money. You guys know what I'm talking about. This list could go on and on.
So the moral of this story is this. If you want peace bad enough you can have it. I am a 42 year old single mother of three children. I work long hours to support us all. I have never looked back. I am so proud of how far I have come. I don't for one minute regret my decision. I used to think the my EXAB would get sober after I left, but that never happened. If anything he got worse. I am still a codie and have continued to make codie mistakes. I have made a few since I left in regards to be EXAB. I continue to be a work in process. You can have this life I you want it bad enough. I wanted it bad enough.
Wow, I didn't think I would ramble this much. If anything maybe this story will help one of you who finds themselves living in that dark place I used to live. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a turnaround.
And I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother...but isn't it amazing that it sparked this huge wave of change in you? I mean you had a choice, you could have just wallowed in the misery of it and felt bad about it for years and years to the tune of letting everything go to hell. You should be really proud of yourself. What a great uplifting story.
peace-
b
What a turnaround.
And I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother...but isn't it amazing that it sparked this huge wave of change in you? I mean you had a choice, you could have just wallowed in the misery of it and felt bad about it for years and years to the tune of letting everything go to hell. You should be really proud of yourself. What a great uplifting story.
peace-
b
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Thanks so much for the update. It's good to know that you're able to live, laugh and love again without the drama and pain that comes from a toxic relationship with an A.
Thanks for sharing this with us. It's good for some of the new people to read posts like this - to really understand that they can make positive changes in their life once they realize they have that power... or if they feel like they've lost the power, they can get it back again.
Hugs and love
Cats
Thanks for sharing this with us. It's good for some of the new people to read posts like this - to really understand that they can make positive changes in their life once they realize they have that power... or if they feel like they've lost the power, they can get it back again.
Hugs and love
Cats
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