Caught between a rock and a hard place
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Caught between a rock and a hard place
I posted recently about my conversation with my AF. That was followed almost immediately by my sister posting a snide comment referencing it on her facebook page. This is the 2nd time she's done such a thing. Last time it was because I asked for a phone call if she's not going to bring my daughter home at the expected time. She interpreted that as me picking a fight???? and was promptly on facebook with a veiled reference, collecting sympathy from her friends.) She never interacts with me there, anyway. I removed her from my list so I don't have to look at this stuff anymore.
So she called me yesterday wanting to know why. I told her. She was angry, insisted it's her family, it affects her, she has a right to post it. I said yes you do, and I have a right not to read it. On the positive side, she said she told my dad he can't go around saying the things he says and wonder why I'm mad; but she spent 85% of the conversation or more yelling that "This is ********!" and telling me how I need to improve myself and be a better parent and just come back to family functions. (My feeling is it's impossible to meet their expectations regarding my kids. My dad has always been known as a man who has totally unreasonable views and expectations of children, but that goes out the window when it comes to my kids, and I'm expected to produce kids who sit still and never make a peep on holidays.)
What is frustrating is that I have spent the last year trying to live my life in peace and they will not leave me alone. They're angry at me if I don't talk to them, accusing me of 'cutting people off,' and when I give in and make an attempt to communicate (as I did last night), they just go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself, and how they love me, BUT I just really need to fix these things.
They yell and shout, and if I finally raise my voice to be heard after ten minutes of their yelling, they then tell me that I'm screaming at them. My entire family is sticking to this story that I was screaming at my sister at Christmas, when I yelled for about 30 seconds, respected my father telling me to sit down, and asked him, several times, "when are you going to tell her to stop?" She went on, screaming, red in the face, for 5 minutes, and the story now is that I 'screamed' at her and 'screamed' at my father, despite me sitting there taking it for most of the time.
There's no winning.
I suppose this is typical of what others are experiencing, too, at least or especially those of us cast as the family scapegoat.
So she called me yesterday wanting to know why. I told her. She was angry, insisted it's her family, it affects her, she has a right to post it. I said yes you do, and I have a right not to read it. On the positive side, she said she told my dad he can't go around saying the things he says and wonder why I'm mad; but she spent 85% of the conversation or more yelling that "This is ********!" and telling me how I need to improve myself and be a better parent and just come back to family functions. (My feeling is it's impossible to meet their expectations regarding my kids. My dad has always been known as a man who has totally unreasonable views and expectations of children, but that goes out the window when it comes to my kids, and I'm expected to produce kids who sit still and never make a peep on holidays.)
What is frustrating is that I have spent the last year trying to live my life in peace and they will not leave me alone. They're angry at me if I don't talk to them, accusing me of 'cutting people off,' and when I give in and make an attempt to communicate (as I did last night), they just go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself, and how they love me, BUT I just really need to fix these things.
They yell and shout, and if I finally raise my voice to be heard after ten minutes of their yelling, they then tell me that I'm screaming at them. My entire family is sticking to this story that I was screaming at my sister at Christmas, when I yelled for about 30 seconds, respected my father telling me to sit down, and asked him, several times, "when are you going to tell her to stop?" She went on, screaming, red in the face, for 5 minutes, and the story now is that I 'screamed' at her and 'screamed' at my father, despite me sitting there taking it for most of the time.
There's no winning.
I suppose this is typical of what others are experiencing, too, at least or especially those of us cast as the family scapegoat.
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In this dynamic, you're right - there is no winning. There is also no rationality. It sounds like you may be expecting rational behavior from irrational people. Or perhaps you are trying to have rational discourse with irrational people. Either way, it doesn't work.
Just before Christmas, I blacklisted a client for behaving much the same way as you just described your sister behaving. I timed the "screeching" of the client on our phone's timer - 4 minutes, 58 seconds, while I said nothing.
That being said, it is up to you how you want to handle it. As I see it, you have two choices.
1. Maintain contact with your family. In this scenario you will need to fully accept that they are irrational and you will not be able to have rational discourse with them. You will need to fully accept that you will be the scapegoat. Since you have children, you will also need to find ways to both prepare your children for this irrational behavior AND explain why it's happening AND explain that this is not healthy and fertheloveofgod these people are NOT role models.
2. Go no contact. For me personally, I believe in giving what I think of as "fair warning." This would mean telling your family that if they continue to treat you this way, you will cease to speak to them, and offering them an example of how you would like to be treated. Then carry through. You may find that going no contact lifts a huge burden from your shoulders.
After telling my parents that I didn't want to be treated like that anymore, THEY told me they didn't want to speak to me again. I told them that it was their decision. I was ready to maintain contact if they could respect my boundaries. They eventually did resume relations with me, although my dad still calls me when he's drunk and occasionally tells me he's never speaking to me again (to which my husband always replies "as if you could be so lucky!").
I hope you can find a way to be at peace with yourself, no matter what path you choose. That being said, I'm glad that you can identify the situation for what it is, and are not believing that you are somehow at fault for this.
Just before Christmas, I blacklisted a client for behaving much the same way as you just described your sister behaving. I timed the "screeching" of the client on our phone's timer - 4 minutes, 58 seconds, while I said nothing.
That being said, it is up to you how you want to handle it. As I see it, you have two choices.
1. Maintain contact with your family. In this scenario you will need to fully accept that they are irrational and you will not be able to have rational discourse with them. You will need to fully accept that you will be the scapegoat. Since you have children, you will also need to find ways to both prepare your children for this irrational behavior AND explain why it's happening AND explain that this is not healthy and fertheloveofgod these people are NOT role models.
2. Go no contact. For me personally, I believe in giving what I think of as "fair warning." This would mean telling your family that if they continue to treat you this way, you will cease to speak to them, and offering them an example of how you would like to be treated. Then carry through. You may find that going no contact lifts a huge burden from your shoulders.
After telling my parents that I didn't want to be treated like that anymore, THEY told me they didn't want to speak to me again. I told them that it was their decision. I was ready to maintain contact if they could respect my boundaries. They eventually did resume relations with me, although my dad still calls me when he's drunk and occasionally tells me he's never speaking to me again (to which my husband always replies "as if you could be so lucky!").
I hope you can find a way to be at peace with yourself, no matter what path you choose. That being said, I'm glad that you can identify the situation for what it is, and are not believing that you are somehow at fault for this.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Ginger, thank you for your response. Every time I think about trying the limited contact, realizing they're irrational, I come back to the issue of their unreasonable and impossible, and their attitude that my sister is justified in humiliating me with her rages if I don't do the impossible. I don't want my children seeing that, nor their influence on my children (which I probably can't entirely avoid, anyway.)
So I have gone the no contact route. I guess I am at peace with it except for the feeling that my own children and husband aren't fully behind me on it and wish it would just go away. They don't quite get that, even though my parents and sisters take it out on me, they're saying the same exact things about my children and husband, that they should be better than they are, they are to blame for other people's stresses, and they should make the little kids be more perfect.
So I have gone the no contact route. I guess I am at peace with it except for the feeling that my own children and husband aren't fully behind me on it and wish it would just go away. They don't quite get that, even though my parents and sisters take it out on me, they're saying the same exact things about my children and husband, that they should be better than they are, they are to blame for other people's stresses, and they should make the little kids be more perfect.
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