Help with setting boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2
Help with setting boundaries
My RABF has 6 months sober and is doing very well working his program. We're very carefully and slowly starting to work on our relationship issues (honesty, trust, expectations, etc.). We have a long way to go but we are committed to trying our best and see where this goes.
I am in the process of developing boundaries and I'm looking for advice. I have a pretty good idea of some hard and fast ones like no drinking, complete honesty, no gambling, etc. These are some of the zero tolerance ones. The rest are fuzzy. I was wondering if it was possible to put things related to his program in there like continue attending meetings on a regular basis, be in touch with your sponsor, appointment with his addiction therapist weekly, etc. The reason I was thinking of these is because slacking on your program is a warning sign of a relapse. But am I "allowed" ;-) to do this?
Am I correct in assuming that boundaries are different than things that I need from a partner? For example, an issue with my RABF has been a certain lack of maturity (common in A's for their emotional growth to be stunted to the age they were when they began problem drinking) which manifests itself in things like paying bills late, letting things slide (e.g., car/home maintenance) saying he'll make an doctor/dentist appointment and always forgetting, etc. He has been making progress since he's been in recovery and I know to expect progress not perfection. I'm good with that. But these are basic things that a normal, well-adjusted adult does in life on a day-to-day basis. I'm assuming that these are less boundary issues (I can't imagine, "No late payments or I'm outta here!") and more of things I'd like to see him work on as they would help to make our relationship as stronger. So, are boundaries more of the things that I absolutely will not accept in a relationship?
I'm wondering if some of you wouldn't mind sharing some of your boundaries so that I can have a better sense of what a boundary is and isn't.
Thanks!!!
I am in the process of developing boundaries and I'm looking for advice. I have a pretty good idea of some hard and fast ones like no drinking, complete honesty, no gambling, etc. These are some of the zero tolerance ones. The rest are fuzzy. I was wondering if it was possible to put things related to his program in there like continue attending meetings on a regular basis, be in touch with your sponsor, appointment with his addiction therapist weekly, etc. The reason I was thinking of these is because slacking on your program is a warning sign of a relapse. But am I "allowed" ;-) to do this?
Am I correct in assuming that boundaries are different than things that I need from a partner? For example, an issue with my RABF has been a certain lack of maturity (common in A's for their emotional growth to be stunted to the age they were when they began problem drinking) which manifests itself in things like paying bills late, letting things slide (e.g., car/home maintenance) saying he'll make an doctor/dentist appointment and always forgetting, etc. He has been making progress since he's been in recovery and I know to expect progress not perfection. I'm good with that. But these are basic things that a normal, well-adjusted adult does in life on a day-to-day basis. I'm assuming that these are less boundary issues (I can't imagine, "No late payments or I'm outta here!") and more of things I'd like to see him work on as they would help to make our relationship as stronger. So, are boundaries more of the things that I absolutely will not accept in a relationship?
I'm wondering if some of you wouldn't mind sharing some of your boundaries so that I can have a better sense of what a boundary is and isn't.
Thanks!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hmm good question. Boundaries are definitely personal based on your own situation.
I only had a few months to practice my "in relationship boundaries" as I left XAH soon after I started doing them.
My first boundary was: "I will not buy him alcohol, whether I have money left or not."
That turned into "I will not go out to buy him alcohol even if he hands me the money."
Another one for me was: "I will not accept being yelled at, cussed at, have objects broken in my vicinity. If these behaviours occur around me or my child, I will leave the apartment with my child."
My later, "out of relationship boundaries" looked like this:
"I will not tolerate being berated on the phone. When such behaviour occurs, I will cut communication."
"Not all demands, requests, texts and emails need to be answered promptly. Short of an emergency, I can wait 1,2 or 3 days to answer."
"I will not be blamed for all the woes in his life. If this occurs during communication, I will inform him that it is not acceptable and cut communication."
I dunno if that helps any...
I only had a few months to practice my "in relationship boundaries" as I left XAH soon after I started doing them.
My first boundary was: "I will not buy him alcohol, whether I have money left or not."
That turned into "I will not go out to buy him alcohol even if he hands me the money."
Another one for me was: "I will not accept being yelled at, cussed at, have objects broken in my vicinity. If these behaviours occur around me or my child, I will leave the apartment with my child."
My later, "out of relationship boundaries" looked like this:
"I will not tolerate being berated on the phone. When such behaviour occurs, I will cut communication."
"Not all demands, requests, texts and emails need to be answered promptly. Short of an emergency, I can wait 1,2 or 3 days to answer."
"I will not be blamed for all the woes in his life. If this occurs during communication, I will inform him that it is not acceptable and cut communication."
I dunno if that helps any...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi treadncarefully.
Boundaries are not about someone elses behavior or trying to make someone do something or not do something. They are about you. They are based your values and the things that you will accept in your life. They are also about the actions that you will take should someone violate your personal values.
Boundaries should be "I" statements.
No drinking is not a boundary. No gambling is not a boundary. Those are rules made to control another person's behavior. They don't work. We cannot control someone elses behavior. We can only control ourselves, our behavior and the way we respond to other people.
Examples of boundaries would be:
I will not allow alcohol in my home or people under the influence of alcohol in my home. If someone brings alcohol into my home or if someone appears to be intoxicated, I will ask them leave immediately and they will not be allowed to return.
I will not accept lies in my personal relationships. If I think someone is lying to me, I will no longer speak to them.
I will not allow myself to be disrespected. If someone disrespects me I will leave the situation immediately.
I will not allow my house to be used as a flop house for recovering from hangovers.
If someone tells me they are going to call me at a specific time, and they don’t, I will no longer accept any calls from them. Period.
I will not make doctors appointments or do follow up on situations that adults are capable of handling on their own. It is not my responsibility to take care of you. It is my responsibility to take care of myself.
I will no longer lie to cover up the truth or protect anyone from the consequences of their behavior. Don’t ask.
I will not support an adult who is fully capable of working and supporting his or herself. Don’t ask me for money because I’m not giving it to you.
I will not clean up after adults who are capable of cleaning up after themselves.
I will trust my instincts.
Etc. etc. etc.
Boundaries are not about someone elses behavior or trying to make someone do something or not do something. They are about you. They are based your values and the things that you will accept in your life. They are also about the actions that you will take should someone violate your personal values.
Boundaries should be "I" statements.
No drinking is not a boundary. No gambling is not a boundary. Those are rules made to control another person's behavior. They don't work. We cannot control someone elses behavior. We can only control ourselves, our behavior and the way we respond to other people.
Examples of boundaries would be:
I will not allow alcohol in my home or people under the influence of alcohol in my home. If someone brings alcohol into my home or if someone appears to be intoxicated, I will ask them leave immediately and they will not be allowed to return.
I will not accept lies in my personal relationships. If I think someone is lying to me, I will no longer speak to them.
I will not allow myself to be disrespected. If someone disrespects me I will leave the situation immediately.
I will not allow my house to be used as a flop house for recovering from hangovers.
If someone tells me they are going to call me at a specific time, and they don’t, I will no longer accept any calls from them. Period.
I will not make doctors appointments or do follow up on situations that adults are capable of handling on their own. It is not my responsibility to take care of you. It is my responsibility to take care of myself.
I will no longer lie to cover up the truth or protect anyone from the consequences of their behavior. Don’t ask.
I will not support an adult who is fully capable of working and supporting his or herself. Don’t ask me for money because I’m not giving it to you.
I will not clean up after adults who are capable of cleaning up after themselves.
I will trust my instincts.
Etc. etc. etc.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello treadncarefully, welcome to SR. 
The boundary I decide to use is designed to protect me- my safety, my money, my feelings, my sanity etc etc. A boundary is not necessarily an ultimatum- it's choice I make...or use as a means to protect me & my space.
Please check the sticky threads at the top of the forum page and I also recommend you attend some Al-Anon meetings in your area & continue to come here to read and post.
The boundary I decide to use is designed to protect me- my safety, my money, my feelings, my sanity etc etc. A boundary is not necessarily an ultimatum- it's choice I make...or use as a means to protect me & my space.
Please check the sticky threads at the top of the forum page and I also recommend you attend some Al-Anon meetings in your area & continue to come here to read and post.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i sometimes get "boundary" and "ultimatum" mixed up.
it is then that i visualize a fence. i think of myself in a yard, with a picket fence. i am safe (or relatively) in that yard. things outside of it that may hurt me cannot get through. oh, i can see them and they/it can see me, but unless i open the gate, it cannot get TO me.
it is then that i visualize a fence. i think of myself in a yard, with a picket fence. i am safe (or relatively) in that yard. things outside of it that may hurt me cannot get through. oh, i can see them and they/it can see me, but unless i open the gate, it cannot get TO me.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You are powerless over his recovery and trying to control it is only what he can do.
We can't pick a mate that needs fixing and then think we have power by the our ability to: nag, scold, criticize, mother, monitor, nudge, set rules for, coax, do for, etc.
Maybe you should separate while he becomes mature, if he is able.
Or give it time to see if he is serious about his recovery...if he isn't then you make the choice best for you.
Try alanon....it works.
We can't pick a mate that needs fixing and then think we have power by the our ability to: nag, scold, criticize, mother, monitor, nudge, set rules for, coax, do for, etc.
Maybe you should separate while he becomes mature, if he is able.
Or give it time to see if he is serious about his recovery...if he isn't then you make the choice best for you.
Try alanon....it works.
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