KeepsHoping

I've been reading around this website for some time now, but I haven't introduced myself. I guess I've been comforted by reading everyone else's posts and responses, and maybe I've been a little scared to actually write my story out.
I'm married to a verbal abuser who is an in-denial alcoholic. He doesn't believe he is an alcoholic - he just likes to drink with his friends, and cannot fathom only having just a beer or two. His verbal abuse towards me doesn't depend on the alcohol, though. In fact, sometimes he's nicer when drunk so that I won't question his drunken-ness. There's never any telling on what will set him over the edge. The past huge fight was because I wanted to take the family to a Christmas event. He got mad at me because he felt it would be boring - and how DARE I ask him to join us for a kid friendly Christmas thing? This resulted in him screaming and yelling at me for an hour about how awful of a person I am, calling me every name in the book, and then storming out of the house refusing to come home until 9pm - even though it was 2 days before Christmas and there were lots of things we still needed to take care of. His response when I asked him to come home and help me out? "You should have thought of that before you pissed me off." The worst part is that this past episode happened right in front of our daughter, and he refused to stop when I begged him to because of her being there. These sorts of things have been happening for the past 2 years. It started out being only once in a while... then once a month... and now its about once every week or two. After an episode, he'll act like nothing ever happened. There's never an apology, and if I ask for one, he'll make up some reason why I should be the one to apologize and take blame for HIS actions.

Through the love and support of my family and friends, I've come a long way from where I've been in the past month or so. I know I need to leave. In fact, I have a plan to leave this weekend. I'm posting on here, though, because I'm starting to want to chicken out. What is my problem? Why would I want to stay? I'm scared of hurting him and leaving him feeling helpless. Why do I care about that? He doesn't care about making me feel that way!! I currently pay all of our household bills because he doesn't feel as though he should have to provide any of that. So I'm worried about how he will manage to pay all of his bills when I leave. Why?? I just can't figure myself out. I love this man. I truly adore him. But again, why? I know he is awful to me. I know I deserve so much more. And more than anything else, I know my children deserve so much more. They don't deserve to be scared of him. Their home should be a safe and nurturing one. Not a scary and threatening one. But... why is it so hard for me to do what I need to do?

The plan is for me to do this while he's not home. Pack all of our things (I will have family here to help me) as quickly as possible and just disappear. I feel like I am wronging him, however I know if I tell him I'm leaving, he'll do anything possible to prevent me from doing so or make me feel stuck. I can't have that. So, after I leave... do I call him? Do I let him know what I've done? I'm planning on leaving him a letter. Is that enough? What is HE going to do?

I just... I just wish he'd wake up and be nice. That's all I'm asking for. Just be a "normal" husband and father. That's it!

Thanks for listening. :wtf2

stella27

Dearest Hoping,

You have my sympathy and my prayers. You have already seen that the kind of "changing" he is doing is not the kind that you want. He's going in a different direction, and you are going to have to decide how much more of this you want to stick around for.

You just described my husband. I have been married for 15 years, and the last two have been unbearable - in the last year we have gone from once every few months to weekly. One scary incident was when I asked him if he wanted to rent a bike or go to the beach during that day of vacation. How dare I try to pin him down. Why can't I just leave him the f%&$ alone and get off his a$$?

So I totally get you. Do you want advice? Let me know and I will send all I have.

(((big hugs to you)))

KeepsHoping

Stella,

Thank you very much. I would love your advice. I'm feeling so lost and confused right now... almost like I'm watching everything unfold in front of me.

I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I just don't understand how or why a man would speak to his wife in that manner. I just don't get it.

Thanks again...

suki44883

Perhaps it's fear of the unknown. Fear can be a deterrent, but it can also be a great motivator. Please don't back down on your plan to leave. You deserve better, but your children should not have to live in that environment. Abuse is abuse, whether it's physical or emotional. In some ways, emotional abuse is worse since bruises and bones can heal, but you will always have the memories of the emotional abuse. Your children don't have a choice in the matter, but you do. Please, if not for yourself, for your children, get yourself and them away from this man.

nodaybut2day

Hi Keepshoping and to SR! This place is awesome and the people here are superbly supportive (and kinda funny too!).

I think we live parallel lives because I was also married to a verbal/emotional abuser and a "I'm not an alcoholic" heavy drinker...or whatever he wants to label himself. We also have a daughter that he didn't hesitate to scream/cuss/throw things in front of. He also used to say "Well, you shouldn't have pissed me off" or "If you just LISTENED to me (as in did exactly what he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted), then I wouldn't get angry". I also paid all the bills because my X didn't think it was his responsibility. I'm just now starting to clean up the mess he made with my finances.

After a particularly nasty scream fest where he was shaking all over from anger, telling me it was SOCIETY'S FAULT that he didn't make as much money as I did, I took my daughter, put her in her stroller, and walked out the door.

I didn't walk far...only to the local community clinic to talk to a social worker. That was the beginning of the end of him and I. That's when I realized I needed to get out. That's when HIS mother told me that for the sake of my daughter, I needed to run away from her son. She offered to testify in court against him if I needed it. Hearing this from HIS OWN MOTHER made me see that I was in danger and so was my little girl. That's when I researched Al-Anon and eventually found SR.

I left him on October 31, 2009, on a day when he wasn't there. I planned my departure in advance (kept important documents at work or at my parents' house), had a small army of family and friends come over in the morning to help me move out the few pieces of furniture and boxes I was taking, and I left. It took a total of 1.5 hours and I was out. I went to my parents' house, which is a good 45 minutes away by subway, thinking that a) I needed the support and b) he would be too lazy to come out there to get me.

Sounds like you've got a good strategy. I wouldn't call him if I were you. Explain yourself in a straight-forward way in your letter. Perhaps leave a number where he can reach you, if only for matters regarding your daughter. Sadly, he will still have the right to see this child, so you'll have to deal with him a bit after your departure.

Perhaps for the few days subsequent to your departure, have a friend stay with you. Warn those closest to you that he may go crazy and cause trouble.

As for why you care, worry for him, or even love him, I'm going to venture to say that there's a good deal of habit going on there. Also, perhaps you're holding onto who he *was* and not who he is now. Perhaps the person he "was" never really existed in the first place.

In any case, I applaud you for doing this. It's scary but I believe it's the right thing to do for you and your child.

Keep posting and keep us posted on your situation.

stella27

so I re-read your post. I am trying not to give unsolicited advice, but you did ask a few questions...

The answer is going to be to put the focus back on YOU and your precious children and take the focus off of him. I feel sorry for my H, too, but that kind of thinking kept me stuck for 15 years. When I should have been out a long time ago.

I read a great book by Lundy Bancroft that was recommended by a member herecalled "Why does he do that?" and it gave me the information I needed to realize that an abusive man will not change - only a very few will do that, and it will take years - like 10. because abuse is a pattern of thinking and that doesn't change easily. I had to ask myself many times whether I wanted to ride out 10 more years of this waiting foro him to see the light

When he has not DONE A SINGLE THING toward seeking help on his own.

So the chances for change are non-existent. My wishing and hoping don't change the facts. and in the meantime, chidlren are being harmed and are learning that this is how men are supposed to treat women. I couldn't risk that anymore.

Sooo... no letter, no phone calls. Let him come to you. And when he does, you can tell him that you will consider reconciliation when he has entered and worked a program for alcohol and abuse.

Until he shows major positive steps and recovery, I wouldn't live with him and I would subject my chidlren to him as little as legally possible.

FindingPeace1

Yuck, yuck and more yuck!
Welcome. You are learning and growing and taking care of yourself - valuing yourself, so hooray for you. Don't be scared of us! You are being SO brave!! I admire your courage.

No matter what you choose, we will encourage you!

This is SCARY SCARY stuff. Why? For myself, because its change, primarily. Because it requires me to admit I could be taking care of myself better. Because I am comfortable. Because I am attached to the *possibility* of goodness with this person. Because I know how he could be. Because I love him, perhaps irrationally, perhaps without love in return, but I do. Because I know he needs me, or I want to be needed, at least. Because he loves me, or I want him to, and the idea of him hating me or not loving me is terrifying! Because I worry about him. Because I haven't envisioned myself without him, so its like jumping off a cliff without knowing what's next.

We all get you. And when you are in a safe place and situation, you can have all the time you need to go to AlAnon and/or Codependents Anonymous and/or therapy and figure out the, "How did I get here and why is it so hard to get out?" question.

Check out this post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
and this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I think a letter is very respectful. Calling puts you in a place of:
1. allowing yourself to be manipulated by him/drawn back
2. allowing him the opportunity to abuse you
3. giving him the potential of figuring out where you are.

You said he is going to flip when you leave, so for your own safety, you might want to go (what people on this board call) "no contact". He is an adult and you can trust he will take care of himself. Whatever age he is, he has done so before you and will again.

You could consider a restraining order if you feel physically threatened.

Good luck! Keep us posted!
Hugs.
Wife

Stereosteveo

It sounds like a letter would be best. If you call him, like you say, he will make you feel sick.

Staying strong after you leave will be key here. I hope you can get to an Al-Anon meeting everyday wherever you are going. They will provide you with strength and help you find answers.

I greatly commend your efforts in helping your children, and your husband this way.

chrisea

I just... I just wish he'd wake up and be nice. That's all I'm asking for. Just be a "normal" husband and father. That's it! - this is what I wanted (probably many others, also) &

Perhaps the person he "was" never really existed in the first place. - at some point I realized this.

I don't have any children, I left the letter. Did it help, I don't think so, but at that time, I felt I had to explain myself. But it made no difference. So I guess, do what makes you able to continue to move on.

Life is too short - to live without trying to get a better life for you & your children.

stella27

Hey Hoping, I just re-read the thread started by KMarko entitled "a couple of questions" and WOW. There is a lot of good information in there about co-dependence and "helping" someone who doesn't want help.

I still struggle with wanting the fantasy of the guy I fell in love with and had babies with. I wrote about it yesterday. All evidence if him loving me was GONE. Especially if you think of love as a verb. What remained was disrespect, contempt, and abuse.

After 4 or 5 months of separation with minimal contact, the fantasy is still rearing its hopeful head. In spite of all logic and evidence and REALITY. I still feel sorry for my H. He is a mess without me and the kids (as I always thought he would be. As I always TOLD him he would be - nice threats, right?) But he doesn't want me back. He despises me and speaks terribly of me around town.

Now why do I feel sympathy and yearning to be there for somebody like that? Because I am sick and a part of me is not facing reality. That's what al-anon and codie recovery talk help me with. Seeing reality and putting MYSELF first.

Be gentle withyourself, because this is going to be hard, but I urge you to focus on reality and not fantasy. he is going to be furious because you are opting out of his control. Watch his actions. And focus on you and your kids.
((more hugs))

Bernadette

Why would I want to stay? I'm scared of hurting him and leaving him feeling helpless. Why do I care about that?
So I'm worried about how he will manage to pay all of his bills when I leave. Why??
I love this man. I truly adore him. But again, why? I know he is awful to me. I know I deserve so much more.

I don't know why! Seems perfectly obvious when you take a step back, or when you present it to the outside world: this is no way to live! I had to accept that my brain is a tricky thing to figure out.

But your questions are all marvelous ones to share with a counselor. After my divorce I really needed that weekly objective session and the help of a therapist to keep me on track to figuring ME out!

The plan is for me to do this while he's not home. Pack all of our things (I will have family here to help me) as quickly as possible and just disappear. I feel like I am wronging him,

Sometimes doing the right thing is very very hard. But if I avoid doing the right thing it ALWAYS comes back to bite me and ALWAYS worse than before!

I just... I just wish he'd wake up and be nice. That's all I'm asking for. Just be a "normal" husband and father. That's it!

Right. But you have no way to make this happen and no control over making him "wake-up" and no evidence that he is even capable of such behavior. Maybe your kids just wish you'd wake up and be the sane parent and start showing them that you are not a doormat and that this dynamic is not how two people operate in a healthy relationship, that's something you do have the power to control!

I know my children deserve so much more. They don't deserve to be scared of him. Their home should be a safe and nurturing one. Not a scary and threatening one.

Make this your motto! Never deny that you KNOW this to be true.

But... why is it so hard for me to do what I need to do?


When you start focusing on you and your mental health and you figure out the answer to this please come and share it! Just think of all the people in the same painful position as you who can benefit from your experience in freeing your self from this torture.

Maybe this is so hard to do because hoping & wishing are all just fantasy, thought and emotion. But when I need to DO something I have to spend time and make a plan. Hope is not a plan! And you sound like now you have a plan - you have enlisted your family and you are getting out and you know exactly where you are going. That's a plan. So, it appears you are changing for the better!!! A plan is always what gets me "to do."

Sending you a shot of courage & strength - you can do this!

peace-
c