kittykitty

I spent thousands of dollars bailing him out and paying for the lawyer, and now he's looking to spend twenty something thousand dollars on starting a business. Why can't I just ask for the money back?

Its been a while since I posted anything here, things have been great. Alanon meetings are guiding me in the right direction, and I'm working on the first step slowly, realizing that I can't be in control of others, their actions, or thought and feelings. Background: AF recently forced in sobriety... I spent something like $8,000 paying for bail, lawyers fees, etc. Now he has moved to Florida to live with his dad, and after selling the house up north, seems to have quite a bit of cash at his disposal.

He called me this morning to inquire about starting a similar business to mine, and informed me that he has already made arrangements to rent the appropriate building, and is looking into purchasing a large vehicle for the business. I told him about one I was looking at for my business, but I didn't think I could afford it since I have no money in my savings account for a down payment on a loan, and he said he would like to drive up and take a look at it because it's in his price range ($25,000) and it would work great for him.

Keep in mind he now has a felony record, and no job, so this money he is using is cash from the sale of his house, not a loan.

So why can't I just come out and say, hey, how about paying me back the money I spent on your "hitting rock bottom"? I emptied my savings, my money market investment account, to bail him out, and he doesn't even remember, or seem to care. (expectation that he would remember or care is my fault right?) I'm scared to bring it up, I don 't want to upset him, I can already see how the conversation would go, him saying something about how much he sacrificed to raise me and put me through college, blah blah, getting mad. I know I can't see the future, and don't know for sure how he would act, why am I so scared to ask for this money back? I feel like I should be happy for him, that he is attempting to do something good with his life now, I feel so bad for being bitter and selfish. all typical feelings of an ACOA, huh

I'm able to pay my bills right now. Business could be better, but I'm okay. But I would feel sooo much better knowing at least some of that money was back in savings, in case I really needed it for something. I can't imagine how he would think it was a 'no strings attached' gift. I just feel so torn, I don't know what to do. Why can't I just stand up for myself and ask for the money back?

kittykitty

After reading alot of literature about self esteem and talking my friends in my afg, I decided i had every right to ask for the money back. When I finally got up the courage to call, he was more than happy to set the wheels in motion for it to be transferred into my back account. I guess he is further along in his recovery than I thought. He agreed with me that it was about time he pay me an my sister back for helping him out.

What I learned from this whole experience is that I am my own worst enemy. My imagination always creates the worst case scenario and runs with it, I guess from having to actually deal with the worst case scenario for so long. I had given up a while ago on giving him the benefit of the doubt, and automatically assumed that he would be stand-offish and closed minded, ungrateful, etc like he used to be. I fell back into my old ways, of being more concerned about what _his_ reaction would be if I inquired about the money. I was so worried about making _him_ mad, making him uncomfortable instead of worrying about my feelings that for those few hours my life became "umanageable". As you can tell, I'm still struggling with the first step.
At least this time it only lasted a couple of hours... I used to sit and stew about these things for days. So maybe I am making progress!

GingerM

This makes it sound like it was your fault. I would reframe this - is it possible, that instead of being your own worst enemy, what you discovered was that your dad is further along in his recovery than you thought? And that you are expecting "old dad" behaviors from "new dad"?

Perhaps the issue is that the person you knew as "dad" isn't there anymore. He has moved on to better places. This is a good thing. It is only human that, after years of his behaving one way, your expectations of him are that he will continue to behave that way. Most of us base our expectations of people on what they've demonstrated to us historically.

So you had a (perfectly reasonable) expectation that he would behave in his old behavior patterns. You were then (perhaps pleasantly?) surprised when he behaved differently. That does not make you your own worst enemy - that makes you human, just like the rest of us.

It's often more difficult for the people around the recovering person, than it is for the person in recovery. We also have to change and adapt to this new person who looks and sounds like the old person we once knew, but behaves entirely differently.

My dad quit drinking for a while last year. A few months, I think. His behavior was very strange to me and I had difficulty knowing what to do with it. As horrible as this sounds, part of me was a bit relieved when he started drinking again, because I already had the tools to deal with an alcoholic father while I had no tools to deal with a non-alcoholic father. That's not to say that I wouldn't like my father to sober up, just to say that it was easier for me to deal with the "dad-I-knew" than the "new dad" simply because I had no skills for the "new dad."

kittykitty

you're probably right, and I like the way you look at it better than the way I look at it. It's definitely healthier for me to look at his progress, and be happy about that, as opposed to beating myself up about my over analyzation of the situation. I'm just so used to blaming myself...gotta get out of that habit!!!