sofacat

I am okay today. I am on day 7 of no AH at home. Yesterday I found myself waking up with that "hole" in my stomach again. I couldn't shake it for some reason. I got on SR and just read for a little while. I felt better, but not BEST.

I did call my AH just to say "hello" yesterday (day 6)...I did not ask "How are you doing" because that would be me putting the focus back on him and his addiction...it would also be a gateway to be lied to, and I am finished with that. I really am, and it feels good! I just wanted to say hello...that's it. I do "like" him, I just hate the addiction.

Of course he was all doom and gloom and tried to manipulate the conversation. (surprise surprise) and I don't blame him, after all I'm the one who conditioned him to know what tactics used to work on me. I swear, at one point he almost insinuated that I may be the "cause" of his relapses!!! He's never seen me so detached from him and his addiction, and he's really pulling out all the stops to push my "guilty-insecure" buttons! But "no workie" this time.

In the past, I probably would have taken that personally and panicked...then would become "Miss Accommodating" to try and "fix" his problem. And if I believed the problem was ME, then I would change myself to make things better again. I see that now, I do. I realize how unhealthy that it for me...and that's a good thing!

He also attempted to make me feel guilty that I became so non-compassionate towards his "slip"...as he is calling it. Really????!!!!
I simply stated that I have boundaries now and there are things that I will no longer tolerate in my life. I did remind him that if he "slipped" he could have called me to tell me he did so, and would not come home until he sobered up. That would have been acceptable, and no boundaries would have been crossed....but he didn't. He was high in our home, and I will no longer "look at that" here. It's the one place in the world that we need just to "be" and feel safe, and I will not have someone disrupt that anymore. I need my home...for Me. I just think when he agreed to the "Boundaries List" before he came home, he didn't think I would follow through with them. Surprise!!!

The healthy part is when I spoke to Him I didn't take the focus off of myself for once. I stayed on message with no hostility or judgment or anger.
NICE. Feels much better this way.

You know, I was thinking...I have given him all the time in the world that he needs for himself to recover and get better...and many of those times he had to leave Me here at home alone (no martyr tone here or pity)...but now I am taking time for myself to get myself better so I can have a healthy life with healthy relationships, and it's not acceptable to Him??? WTF???

I've never actually thought about just how selfish he can be. I mean, I've thought about it and angered over it...but somehow, since I "got" the first step...I have a different way of seeing it. How many times have I fought for him...and he's never fought for me? hmmmmmmmm.

I know, I know...I fought for him because I'm a codie-fixer-upper...and he's selfish because he's an addict...yadda yadda yadda....but in the end we are all people, and have the sense to know what's right, right?

Now, I know he still isn't sober...well I suspect he is out of money now...and may be going through withdraws soon. But that is no excuse for someone to treat another human being like that.

He has no compassion, no understanding, no patience about this...and that's how I know he is not recovering. Because when he does..."he gets it!" and understands his part in all of this.

There's NO accountability with them when they're not sober...none.

Now, he's staying with his parents (enablers)...and I cannot judge them for that...it took me 10 years to get to "this" place...but I think it's good finally that they get to SEE what this addiction looks like.

His mother is in recovery 20 years. She is an alcoholic...and doesn't comprehend the extent of a chemical addiction. She never had to go into dangerous neighborhoods and look for it, or write false scrips, or steal money for her habit, or detox the way these guys do. She's never forged money orders to buy more, and she could pass a drug test. So she could get any job she wanted. She couldn't lie about it, because everyone can "see, smell and hear" a drunk.

So I think it may be good for her to see him when he's withdrawing so she can understand the severity and progression of "this" addiction. Maybe then she'll stop referring to it as a "slip". Opiate addicts don't "slip" and a 10 day relapse is a relapse...period. His counselor in rehab told him he is in the "end stages" of his addiction. Not good.

The family support system is vital...and if everyone does not have full clarity of the severity of this addiction, then he will find loopholes and stay in denial. He is still trying to control his own addiction...again.

How can someone who diligently worked the program, and busted his butt with his counselors to get to a place where he understands himself in this whole thing suddenly forget all of that? It's as if he never went! Unbelievable!!!!!!!! He had the tools, he was using them, he was working the program...but all of that seems to have just disappeared. It's shocking and so very very sad.

If any RA's find themselves reading this...do you not remember what you learned? What are you thinking when you relapse? Do you really "believe" what you say when you are lying? Do you remember the tools you were given, but discard them anyway....or do you simply forget?

So today I am better...but I seemed to have moved into "anger and frustration" today. It's not "holding" me...I have a lot to accomplish today and I will do it (it's just do damn cold out and realized I don't have the proper clothes for this weather!) But I still feel like I am waiting for him to wake up...and I haven't figured out how to work though that part yet.

Someone posted a "Madea gives relationship advice" video on SR and I have watched it a few times....it is good. It is soooooooooo good.

Do any of you feel like you're always "waiting" for your A's, or have you worked past that? And if you have, how do you get past the "waiting" feeling?

hello-kitty

If I slipped, it would be because I just didn't care. My urge to "party" would over come my common sense and I'd justify using by whatever means necessary. We used to call it the f'its. as in f--k it.

I have a friend who has been in recovery from opiates and crack (and whatever she can get her hands on) for over 2 years now. She been to long term rehab, goes to meetings, has a sponsor and works the steps. And she has STILL relapsed several times over the last year. She just start thinking that life sucks and it's not worth it the effort to stay clean. She wants to get high. She convinces her self that using drugs will make her feel better. She seems to be missing that little voice in her head that should be telling her "Life is going to get worse if you use - a lot worse." She's not to the point yet where using just isn't worth it. She's still living the addict dream that she can get away with it and that getting high will make everything better.

She's one sick little puppy. It makes me sad because she's going to lose her husband soon. He's not going to stick around much longer. But it's her choice. She's choosing drugs because she wants to. She has all the tools but she'd still rather be high than do the work it takes to stay sober.

outtolunch

I do not relate to this waiting thing. Are you waiting for him to see the light and all that and do what you think he should do? What part of you and your life is on hold while you wait for something that you have no control over?

It sounds a little bit like someone who went out and bought a lottery ticket and then called in sick at work, while you wait to see if you won the lottery. I mean, what's up with this?

Only you can fill that hole in your stomach and heart. It sounds like you are making progress, here. Could you consider taking some time to get in touch with why you made the call cause it's not about " hello".

teke

yes i did remember what i learned but while in the thows of addiction, it is very hard to get back to that point. i was always gonna work on it tommorrow. tommorrow would turn into wks, then months. sometimes my addiction would tell me" just one more time, nobody will know", sometimes i would consciencely tell myself," i'll do just one" which i never could do. i have just simply decided to use, no excuse, no thoughts, just wanted to use. i've probably even used trying to forget about the tools, didn't want to be reminded of no tools either.

who knows the mind of an addict,most of the time even the addict don't always know what they are thinking but thats their little secret.(my experience only), yes i knew i was lying but i would always think the lies made sense and was totally believeable(addictive thinking). i spent a lot of time making sure they were believeable even though most of the time, i was the only one they were believeable to. after i was sober, it just cracked me up to remember some of the tall tales i came up with and thought was so believeable.(not funny but true for me)

yes i got tired of feeling like i was waiting on my ah to want to get better, i felt that way for 21yrs. what helped me was to except his addiction for what it was and to consciencely decide that i was not gonna wait any longer on him to do and be what i thought he should do/be and began to focus more on me and what it was in the now, what i wanted for me in the near future, with or without him. its easier said than done but it does get easier.

tchappy

I did find myself waiting for my A after I made him leave...I think the waiting was to see if he would wake up and realize using Meth was a bad thing and that he wanted his old life back with me.

Well, that did not happen. It has been 4 weeks and all he has done is blame me for everything. On top of that continues to use Meth on a daily basis at least as far as I know. Just this week he finally got mad at me enough because I would not enable him that he is not contacting me anymore. It has been 3 days...and the best 3 days of my life. He finally realized I had nothing more to offer him...no food, no shelter, no clean shower...so he does not need me anymore. For which I am greatful.

I realized what I was waiting for was not going to happen. I realized that my waiting for him to " see the light" really was just a way to put off the grieving process and blind me from the reality that the relationship with the CLEAN boyfriend was over.

You seem to be doing great. I love reading your posts because I have been going through the same thing.

sofacat

[QUOTE=outtolunch;2479531]

Is it possible that you might still have some tendencies to try and control his recovery?

It is absolutely possible...youbetchya! That's why I'm here!
(( "tap, tap, hello...is this thing on?" )) Don't think for one minute that my boundaries may have been constructed not only to protect myself, but partly to "knock" some sense into him! Sure, it was...I'd be lying to myself if I pretended otherwise. Once again, that's why I'm here.


For me, the anger part is a result of my own expectations.

Well put. But I do love this man, and I do not have the ability to turn off my emotions and care for him at the moment. Actually, I think I will always care about him. Still workin' on it! But, I get it and I thank you for your candor. I need that.

Waiting for what? What if he never really gets it or is willing to do whatever he has to do to stay clean?
Yeah, what if......?

"I am almost fed up with it...almost. I know that if we decided to stay together and he did go into "sober training"...and even "IF" he stayed clean for 10 years...I know there is a real possibility we will end up right back here.
I can't say that I am completely resolute, because there is an echo in the back of my brain that is screaming for him to "WAKE UP!!!!!" And that means I am still "involved" emotionally with his addiction.

It sounds a little bit like someone who went out and bought a lottery ticket and then called in sick at work, while you wait to see if you won the lottery. I mean, what's up with this?

"A lottery ticket doesn't bring soup to me or tuck me in at night when I'm not feeling well. I can't dance with a lottery ticket, or talk about my day with a lottery ticket. A lottery ticket won't sing to Me or hold my hand. It won't ask me how my day was or tell me it loves Me. It won't do my laundry (yep...he did that) or talk about world issues, or travel and explore with Me, and I lottery ticket certainly doesn't sleep in my bed with me at night. A lottery ticket won't ask Me "What do you want for dinner?" (which used to drive me absolutely crazy, but I loved it!) A lottery ticket isn't my friend...it's a fantasy...a long shot...my AH has never been a fantasy...his sobriety is."


Only you can fill that hole in your stomach and heart. It sounds like you are making progress, here. Could you consider taking some time to get in touch with why you made the call cause it's not about " hello".

Maybe it was just that simple. Maybe it was a way to hear in his voice if he was making any progress, maybe I just miss him so damn much! And maybe I'm mourning the loss of a really good friend. Maybe, maybe, maybe....it is done.

I have been with this man for 10 years. 7 days isn't going to "fix" anything...but I am making strides.

Thank you for "getting my goat!" I am looking to be challenged, I want to think...I need to be confronted. It's time.

SadlyLost

these two points, my god...i could have written them myself. I miss him but I know I don't need him and yet somewhere in the back of my head, I still picture that "movie moment" where everything clicks and he realizes he is better off sober.

but i also remember would a good friend lie to me, steal from me, manipulate me to get what he wants? would a man who truly loved me hurt me over and over? in the end we pick up the pieces and what...they say they are sorry and thats it? when do we say I deserve more than he can ever be for me?

yea, i dont know either

cassandra2

My RABF was addicted to opiates and was basically "forced" into rehab last fall after we seperated.

For weeks after he was clean he was still so very angry. Angry at the world because he couldnt use anymore.

I waited.

Last January, he started to come around and would actually have conversations with me. But then I heard the addiction start "talking" again. He said that his back was hurting alot (work injury+lots of opiates='d addiction for him) and that he was going to the doctor to get more opiates. He said he could control it.

I waited.

He relapsed hard core for 3 months. Turned into a really horrible and even angier person.

I stopped waiting.

At first I was so hopeful that he would see the light, get tired of living this way and get better. Soon the hope faded. I stopped talking to him. Stopped trying to get him to see the light.

If he called my phone I let it go to voice mail. It no longer hurt it was an annoyance. I completely detached for the first time. I was tired of his addiction running my life and controlling my emotions.

I remember feeling void of emotional feelings. I had NO desire to even deal with him even though we had a child and I had to see him everyday because of that.

This went on for about a month and then suddenly he quit. Started changing. Started taking responsibility for his behavior and FOR HIS OWN LIFE.

I still kept away for fear of another relapse. But soon it became apparent he was done.

Today we talk about those times and I asked him what suddenly made the difference. He said that he started waking up in the morning wishing he was dead. He no longer wanted to even live anymore. He said that living in addiction is a miserable existance but the prospect of living without his DOC was even worse so death was THE BEST SOLUTION.

I was shocked when he told me this because he was the LAST person on earth who would consider suicide. But he said it was at that time he knew he had to get off the pills.

So my point in all of this is that he lost his family (me and the kids), lost his home, went to rehab and learned the tools to keep him clean and still NONE of that was enough to keep or get him clean. It had to come from his own experience, his own realization that enough was enough.

Today that same feeling of wanting to die is what keeps him clean.

So you see sofacat it is up to him to experience sheer misery before he CAN change.

Hope that helped.

outtolunch

The lottery tix analogy was about waiting for someone else to find their own recovery, something we have no control over. In both cases, the odds against the desired outcome are significant. The more time we wait, the more tickets we buy, the more we look for a return on our investment.

So often our boundaries are all about compelling someone else to have that aha moment which unfortunately seems to be the superficial basis of shows like Intervention. What we don't see is the work that the friends and family have to do on their own to disengage their emotional states/wellbeing from the outcome. Guess that's a whole different show.

sofacat

Quote:

Originally Posted by outtolunch

Guess that's a whole different show.

I want that show! No one ever gets to see our side of the "family" disease. It's important...for every one addict, there has to be at least 2 people effected by them...the way I'm doin' the math, there's more of us than them...and we could use a show!

I'm just sayin'.