My husband has been secretly drinking!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NH
Posts: 2
My husband has been secretly drinking!
Hi all,
I am hoping maybe someone has had some experience with situations similar to mine. I have been married to my husband for 4.5 years. He has a teenage son and our now 5 year old daughther came to us from the other side of the world, via adoption, in October 2008. Before she came home my husband drank quite a bit but his behavior never seemed different. Eventually I suggested he stop or cut back because I didn't want his son to see him with only beer in his hand. So he cut back for awhile, then he slowly started up again.
Fast forward to 2008, it didn't seem that my husband had a problem with drinking but when he drank, I didn't like the person he was. He was emotional, over sensitive, needy, moody, quick-tempered, etc. So in the summer of 2008 I asked him to stop and he did. I didn't seem him drink anything but maybe one drink a month when we were out to dinner.
2009 was rough with adapting to a child in the house and dealing with all the things that come with kids, adoption, teaching her English, advocating for her, etc. in Summer 2009 things were really bad but I was making some positive changes for myself and told him that I was thinking about leaving him. I decided to stay and we went to marriage counseling, we are still going.
Last Wednesday/early Thursday AM it became apparent to me that he was under the influence. I had suspected that he snuck a beer on occasion and had asked him about it but he always denied it. He denied it to our marriage counselor as well. In the past I have blown up at him so I could see why he wouldn't want to tell me if he had a secret beer after a long day. So I knew he was drunk and said something to my mom who lives with us. Turns out, she has confronted him twice over the past 6-8 months about his drinking because she picked up on him being drunk on nights I was away for work and went looking for his stash, She found hidden wine bottles, confronted him, he said he would stop.
Once she told me that, I knew he had been drunk and had been lying to me. So we found his stash of wine and beer. He was drinking, on average, a bottle of wine and 4 beers a night and I had no clue. He works two jobs so he always played off his bloodshot eyes as being tired. He would be moody and sensitive but he's always been that way. He didn't fight fair or communicate well but neither do I and we were working on it.
So I confronted him and he stopped drinking and started going to AA. He is already noticing a physical change in his eyes and his energy level. He is doing and saying all the right things. He said for months he has been sick of drinking but couldn't stop.
I am trying to figure out what now. I am looking into Al-anon but I don't have the typical experience of living with a known alcoholic. I've never had to cover for him, make excuses, beg him to stop, none of that. I am now just left not knowing who I am married to because he admitted he has had a problem for 15+ years. I don't want to get sucked into his addiction now. I've already told him my bottom lines but I really hope I don't have to follow through because I truly want him to be healthy for himself and our family.
I guess the biggest issues are that he lied and I am worried he will start and hide it from me again and the other issue is that I don't really know where we stand. I was fine with our marriage because we were working on our communication but now that I know we weren't going to get very far (since he was always intoxicated), I feel like we are back at step one again, I guess this time it is the true step one though.
So anyone out there not have a clue that they were living with an alcoholic? How did you learn to support recovery without enabling? Learn to be compassionate without providing excuses? Discover your boundaries?
Thank you,
Elizabeth
I am hoping maybe someone has had some experience with situations similar to mine. I have been married to my husband for 4.5 years. He has a teenage son and our now 5 year old daughther came to us from the other side of the world, via adoption, in October 2008. Before she came home my husband drank quite a bit but his behavior never seemed different. Eventually I suggested he stop or cut back because I didn't want his son to see him with only beer in his hand. So he cut back for awhile, then he slowly started up again.
Fast forward to 2008, it didn't seem that my husband had a problem with drinking but when he drank, I didn't like the person he was. He was emotional, over sensitive, needy, moody, quick-tempered, etc. So in the summer of 2008 I asked him to stop and he did. I didn't seem him drink anything but maybe one drink a month when we were out to dinner.
2009 was rough with adapting to a child in the house and dealing with all the things that come with kids, adoption, teaching her English, advocating for her, etc. in Summer 2009 things were really bad but I was making some positive changes for myself and told him that I was thinking about leaving him. I decided to stay and we went to marriage counseling, we are still going.
Last Wednesday/early Thursday AM it became apparent to me that he was under the influence. I had suspected that he snuck a beer on occasion and had asked him about it but he always denied it. He denied it to our marriage counselor as well. In the past I have blown up at him so I could see why he wouldn't want to tell me if he had a secret beer after a long day. So I knew he was drunk and said something to my mom who lives with us. Turns out, she has confronted him twice over the past 6-8 months about his drinking because she picked up on him being drunk on nights I was away for work and went looking for his stash, She found hidden wine bottles, confronted him, he said he would stop.
Once she told me that, I knew he had been drunk and had been lying to me. So we found his stash of wine and beer. He was drinking, on average, a bottle of wine and 4 beers a night and I had no clue. He works two jobs so he always played off his bloodshot eyes as being tired. He would be moody and sensitive but he's always been that way. He didn't fight fair or communicate well but neither do I and we were working on it.
So I confronted him and he stopped drinking and started going to AA. He is already noticing a physical change in his eyes and his energy level. He is doing and saying all the right things. He said for months he has been sick of drinking but couldn't stop.
I am trying to figure out what now. I am looking into Al-anon but I don't have the typical experience of living with a known alcoholic. I've never had to cover for him, make excuses, beg him to stop, none of that. I am now just left not knowing who I am married to because he admitted he has had a problem for 15+ years. I don't want to get sucked into his addiction now. I've already told him my bottom lines but I really hope I don't have to follow through because I truly want him to be healthy for himself and our family.
I guess the biggest issues are that he lied and I am worried he will start and hide it from me again and the other issue is that I don't really know where we stand. I was fine with our marriage because we were working on our communication but now that I know we weren't going to get very far (since he was always intoxicated), I feel like we are back at step one again, I guess this time it is the true step one though.
So anyone out there not have a clue that they were living with an alcoholic? How did you learn to support recovery without enabling? Learn to be compassionate without providing excuses? Discover your boundaries?
Thank you,
Elizabeth
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Alanon is for everyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic, no stereotypes, I think its a good idea you give it a try.
Here in SR I learned there are many faces to alcoholism. Also, that there are stages to it, that is is chronic and progressive unless a solid program is worked.
So anyone out there not have a clue that they were living with an alcoholic?
Me and it was very painful to find it out!
How did you learn to support recovery without enabling?
In my case I didn't, he chose to keep drinking and said he would keep at it until the end of his life. Hard to answer to that one. And yes indeed a year later he still drinks, more than before I gather, and it was entire bottles then.
Learn to be compassionate without providing excuses?
Being brutally honest with myself. Asking myself if I am giving a gift with strings, or if I truly find in my heart of hearts that I want to help someone without getting anything back. Learning one thing is to be compassionate (when your own health and state of mind are peaceful and YOU ARE FIRST) and another one to be a victim, martyr, doormat, punchbag, sex toy, maid, nurse or the 7 at different times of the day depending on the alcoholic's moods and needs.... always in service of his alcoholism.
Exercising compassion towards myself first automatically cancels excusing unacceptable behavior from others.
Discover your boundaries?
An individual therapist helps a lot! discovering them was easier for me, what was and is still difficult is to speak up when they are ignored, and follow my plans if they keep being ignored and stomped on. That is the difficult part for me, but very satisfying afterwards.
Just my two cents, I know wiser ones will come soon, that have lived more similar situations. Welcome, this is a wonderful place
Here in SR I learned there are many faces to alcoholism. Also, that there are stages to it, that is is chronic and progressive unless a solid program is worked.
So anyone out there not have a clue that they were living with an alcoholic?
Me and it was very painful to find it out!
How did you learn to support recovery without enabling?
In my case I didn't, he chose to keep drinking and said he would keep at it until the end of his life. Hard to answer to that one. And yes indeed a year later he still drinks, more than before I gather, and it was entire bottles then.
Learn to be compassionate without providing excuses?
Being brutally honest with myself. Asking myself if I am giving a gift with strings, or if I truly find in my heart of hearts that I want to help someone without getting anything back. Learning one thing is to be compassionate (when your own health and state of mind are peaceful and YOU ARE FIRST) and another one to be a victim, martyr, doormat, punchbag, sex toy, maid, nurse or the 7 at different times of the day depending on the alcoholic's moods and needs.... always in service of his alcoholism.
Exercising compassion towards myself first automatically cancels excusing unacceptable behavior from others.
Discover your boundaries?
An individual therapist helps a lot! discovering them was easier for me, what was and is still difficult is to speak up when they are ignored, and follow my plans if they keep being ignored and stomped on. That is the difficult part for me, but very satisfying afterwards.
Just my two cents, I know wiser ones will come soon, that have lived more similar situations. Welcome, this is a wonderful place
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi elizabeth and welcome-
your situation is quite common, as you will soon discover. many alcoholics hide how much they drink and are quite successful in this for years and years. it is part of the nature of the disease, actually, that it is hidden.
i didn't know for 3 years how much mine was drinking. it was also very difficult to tell when he was drunk, as he was never falling down drunk.
and yes, the lying is destructive to the trust which holds a relationship together.
i think you will find many situations similar to your if you go to alanon.
naive
your situation is quite common, as you will soon discover. many alcoholics hide how much they drink and are quite successful in this for years and years. it is part of the nature of the disease, actually, that it is hidden.
i didn't know for 3 years how much mine was drinking. it was also very difficult to tell when he was drunk, as he was never falling down drunk.
and yes, the lying is destructive to the trust which holds a relationship together.
i think you will find many situations similar to your if you go to alanon.
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Like you, I was taken quite by surprise when I put together the pieces of my (now X) husband's alcoholism. My mother and some other friends had noticed but said nothing until after I left him.... Part of it was his hiding and being deceitful, but a big part of it also was my denial. There were signs, and I would ask him; but he would deny it and I believed him. The dishonesty and resulting lack of trust were bigger issues than the alcoholism. Or, I guess I should say bigger issues than the drinking; because the lying and deceipt are indeed part of the alcoholism.
Anyway -- I did not go to Al-anon until after I had separated from my X. I went because I was hurting so bad, I had so much anger and resentment. Like you, I did not deal with open drunkeness, DUI's or missing work from being hungover. But Al-anon has helped me deal with the fallout and also given me the tools to deal with lots of things in life that have nothing to do with drinking. I highly recommend it!
Anyway -- I did not go to Al-anon until after I had separated from my X. I went because I was hurting so bad, I had so much anger and resentment. Like you, I did not deal with open drunkeness, DUI's or missing work from being hungover. But Al-anon has helped me deal with the fallout and also given me the tools to deal with lots of things in life that have nothing to do with drinking. I highly recommend it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Kalli,
If you click on our names, you can see our previous posts and find out our story. I had a wonderful husband and figured out he was an alcoholic very suddenly. He was hiding it. Lying. Sneaking, etc. I agree that the lying is so common with alcoholics. The stickie about "That's What Alcoholics Do" made me realize the lying probably won't change. Same with the drinking. Same with the hiding. What I have is what I have. An AH that lies, denies, sneaks, etc.
I am still living with him. The change for me is I am not in denial. If he does something I find unacceptable, I am learning to tell him (I typed " tell me" at first - a Freudian slip!) how I feel and that I don't like it. Otherwise, I try to leave him be and focus on me.
I am learning compassion through Vipassana mediation and doing the steps.
I am learning about my boundaries through posting, reading posts, reading books, doing the steps, jounaling and therapy (first appt. today!).
I am moving toward leaving as I realize the behaviors are not acceptable to me and I can't change them/him.
Good luck!
Wife
If you click on our names, you can see our previous posts and find out our story. I had a wonderful husband and figured out he was an alcoholic very suddenly. He was hiding it. Lying. Sneaking, etc. I agree that the lying is so common with alcoholics. The stickie about "That's What Alcoholics Do" made me realize the lying probably won't change. Same with the drinking. Same with the hiding. What I have is what I have. An AH that lies, denies, sneaks, etc.
I am still living with him. The change for me is I am not in denial. If he does something I find unacceptable, I am learning to tell him (I typed " tell me" at first - a Freudian slip!) how I feel and that I don't like it. Otherwise, I try to leave him be and focus on me.
I am learning compassion through Vipassana mediation and doing the steps.
I am learning about my boundaries through posting, reading posts, reading books, doing the steps, jounaling and therapy (first appt. today!).
I am moving toward leaving as I realize the behaviors are not acceptable to me and I can't change them/him.
Good luck!
Wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NH
Posts: 2
Thank you so much everyone! I am so glad to have found out I am not the only one with a secret drinker husband. I felt kinda silly that I didn't know but man, he was good. When I look back it makes sense but before the signs could be all chalked up to other things so easily. I never really believed him when he said he wasn't drinking, the few times I suspected, but what could I do when I had no proof to make sure!
I think I am going to go to the Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I have been on StepChat for Al-anon online meetings.
Has anyone not really felt that angry? I feel like I should be angry about the lies but I'm really not feeling that way because I know it is just part of the addiction. Granted, I am not okay with it and won't tolerate it in the future (now I know what to look for), but I am not mad at him for it.
I think I am going to go to the Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I have been on StepChat for Al-anon online meetings.
Has anyone not really felt that angry? I feel like I should be angry about the lies but I'm really not feeling that way because I know it is just part of the addiction. Granted, I am not okay with it and won't tolerate it in the future (now I know what to look for), but I am not mad at him for it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
My STBXAH ONLY drank in secret...hiding it in the garage and at a neighbor's where he occasionally did work. I could walk into the garage and find it without looking frequently. I could walk into the garage and find him swigging VODKA, and he would deny he was drinking. That made me very angry...how could someone swear they weren't drinking when they were either drinking in front of you, drunk, smelling like drink, smelling like that horrible smell he gets after drinking when it is coming out of his pores...To this day I'll never figure that out.
Lying, and being a financial parasite made me angry. Verbal and emotional abuse made me angry. I wasn't angry he was an alcoholic, but the behaviors drove me ballistic.
Lying, and being a financial parasite made me angry. Verbal and emotional abuse made me angry. I wasn't angry he was an alcoholic, but the behaviors drove me ballistic.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
yes there was a time i really believed my AH had stopped abusing. what he did was change to vodka so I couldn't smell it and hid. it helped that my life was so busy with a demanding job, 4 kids swimming , a volunteer position and then that he got up for work at 4:30 am ( so he went to bed early) I didn't see him 5 days out of the week to know he was getting so drunk.
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