enlightenment

My ah and I have been talking for the last couple of weeks about where our relationship is going to go. I have told him that I am not happy and I don't trust him and that I honestly don't know what I want to do. Today I get a text while I'm at work and he wants to know now if I want to stay with him or not. I don't think that it is fair to have to make a quick desicion, but he conciders it "stringing him along".

It's hard for me to want to try because I feel like he isn't committing to his recovery. He has been home from rehab for almost a month, has been to 4 meetings, doesn't have a sponsor and from what I can see is just going about life as usual.

I feel like I have tried to be supportive but I know he has to do it on his own. I just don't know if staying with him is going to be good or help me through my recovery.

How do you know how long to wait before your decision is not rash?

I feel scared. I have a little daughter and wants what is best for her but know me being happy is probably what is best for her.

teke

i think regardless of what he is saying, you DO NOT have to decide anything until you are ready to. try not to be pressured/ manipulated into committing to something that you are not sure you want right now.

stringing him along, huh?

wonder did it ever occur to him how long you may have felt you were being strung along while he was using along with all his other addictive behavior?
i'm a ra and we addicts tend to want what we want and want it right now, but it don't work that way.

look how long it took for you to get to the place you don't trust what he says, well it will probably take twice as long for you to be able to trust him again provided he continues to work on his recovery.

sorry but in reading this i had a flash back, my ah would do the same thing to me and each time i gave in, he only lasted long enough for him to feel like he had totally sucked me back in and then the cycle begans again.

i say stay true to yourself and do what is best for you to do and when in doubt, do nothing. just keep the focus on you and in time you will know what it is you want to do. with you or without you, he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

outtolunch

Yeah, this stung me too. What's his urgency?

Sounds like someone is looking for an excuse.

Impurrfect

(((Enlightenment))) - I agree with the above...what's his rush?

FWIW, ((Teke)), ((Anvil)) and I are ALL THREE RA's who have all loved A's and none of us had this amazing clarity this early into OUR recovery to put demands on our loved ones...though I'm not in a relationship (I left my XABF because he was still using), you can read any of our posts and we were too busy focusing on OUR recovery to even think about making demands. I can imagine if I had told my family they needed to trust me any earlier than they were ready....I'd have been shown the door!

It's okay to not trust him, it's okay to not know what you want, it's okay to take your time. As ((Teke)) pointed out, I'm sure he took HIS time in getting to this point.

Do what you need to do for YOU, and as always, go by his actions....words still don't mean a thing, when it comes to him, IMO.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke

thinking about anvil being showed the door, made me chuckle. the same here. i think a month out of recovery i was still just hoping that ONE day my family would even consider letting me come around without looking like they were all waiting for the ball to drop.

i think if he was truly working a program and was paying attention in rehab/ working on himself, he'd already know this. i think you are doing just fine, DON'T BE PUSHED AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY. things are the way they are because of his actions and not yours. the ball is in your court, you decide if and when you want to play, not him.