sofacat

Well, well, well...I find myself "here" again! Urrrrrrgh!!! Let me start by sharing that my AH just finished his 100 days sober on Christmas. And up until a week ago, He had been really working the program and making sober friends to boot! What a happy Christmas it was, and I was just free. And then...it happened.

I came home from work tonight and there "He" was, standing there in a dark room with tiny pupils! Waaaaaaaaaaaat? Unbelievable!!! When I confronted him about his small pupils, He came "clean" right away and told Me he found pills in his closet. ((Yeah, right!!!)) I was standing there in total shock. How did this happen again? I really thought we were both on a very healthy path. But I guess I was wrong.

Now, I did what I needed to do and stuck to my boundaries. I told him he was high and could not stay in our home and needed to leave. He did this compliantly and with great sadness over his state of being. With his head hung low and an "I am so sorry." he left.

I cleaned the house, lit my fireplace and came straight here.

I am so sad right now, I guess that's normal...but I don't feel panic or depression which is new to Me. I'm just sad. I'm also relieved that I am not in the same house as him while he's on pills. So, I feel bad and better all at the same time.

Now what? Does he need to go back to rehab after a one day relapse? Meetings? How does this part work for Me? I suppose my boundary was if he is not clean, he can't be here. I guess I just answered my own question.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

I could sure use some advice. Anyone?

outtolunch

Now what?

What he does next, is up to him, isn't it?

What you do next is up to you. It sounds like you have some good boundaries in place. The real hard part ( at least for me) is continulously disengaging my own wellbeing from my daughter's choices and outcomes.
I do not control her or anyone else, for that matter. How about you?

sofacat

No, no controlling here. I hung that hat up a few months back. For once, I stuck to my boundaries. Feels much better. I'm just in shock right now. He was REALLY into the program and loving it! He had been overseas for the last month though, and that made me fear for his recovery being so new in the program. I did notice when he got home ( 9 hour time change after a month of being over seas. ) he was VERY tired and not going to meetings over the last week. We had a talk just this morning about it. ( No not controlling ) But part of My boundaries was that he work the program and stick to it in order to live in this house.I know he was going through culture shock, but I started to feel he was slipping. He seemed in a good state before I left for work...but when I got home ((( gulp ))) "He's baaaaaaaaack!" He was in such a state of remorse over how He slipped. I think he was in as much shock as me. Seriously. But rules are rules.

About Me you asked? I simply will not live with an active A. He uses, he's out. He's sober and in the program, he's in. I do love this man, and he is very kind to Me...but I can't watch him kill himself. I just can't. I have never dealt with a relapse from Him while "in" the program. Before He would just try to go it on his own. Now we both realize neither of us can "go it alone".

I am so grateful for this site and for people like you. Thank you for your response. Keep 'em coming!

Carol Star

Take care of you. Go to Alanon. Relapse is part of the disease. I relapsed after 9 yrs. Now I follow directions. I don't go around drugs or drinking even if it is family holidays. I don't go. I am careful about friends. I know I need meetings. I know I need to pick up the phone. I read my meditations. I do service work. It works if you work it.My XAH didn't want to recover, so after alot, he is my X. There was alot of research done before I came along. I now follow directions. It is a simple program for complicated people. Now I know about boundaries and what I need to do to be happy. I don't want the crazies and chaos anymore.

sofacat

Thank you Carol Star
And I am so happy for you in your recovery. It is work, and he definitely had been changing his behaviors. No slippery people, places and things. He even had "the talk" with a co worker and friend about his recovery who kept trying to get him to go drinking with him. So he had been working the program very well up until a week ago. It only takes one day, one hour, one minute, one second to relapse...as you know. Hopefully this was his wake up call that EVERY DAY he must work at his recovery. But, that's for Him to decide. I just know that by letting him stay here, and NOT STICKING TO MY BOUNDARIES would not be helping him one bit. And for that...I feel better. It is hard though. It's hard to turn away from someone who isn't harming you, but harming themselves. So sad.

Stay happy My friend, and stay sober. The water is always warm here!

Thank you.

Impurrfect

(((Sofacat))) - good for you for sticking to your boundaries!!! When I relapsed, my family had the same boundaries - you use, your out! My relapse lasted 2 weeks, and then I was done. I will have been clean for 3 years in March. It really IS up to him as to whether this is a one-time thing and he learned his lesson or he continues to spiral downwards.

Whatever he does, stay strong and stick to what you want - no addict in your house or your life. Loving an A is easy. Loving them enough to let them deal with the consequences of their using is hard, but it is the most loving thing you can do and I will forever be grateful for my family loving me enough to stand up and hold their ground.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sofacat

Thank you so much Amy. I can't tell you how much a relief it is to hear that from someone on your side of the block! It really gives me and others comfort and strength to keep going and stick to our boundaries! You get an "atta girl" from me and I am so happy you are living a happy and sober life!

Update:

He just called me from his parents house. His RAM ((20 years sober)) has been giving him her ear and reading from "The Big Book". He plans on picking himself up and starting back all over again in the program tomorrow. Went tonight but says won't get white chip until tomorrow. One day at a time. I told him it's simple, stay sober...stay here- not sober...not here.

She tried to give Me advice too, and I know she is coming from a good place...but I don't think she understands much about the Friends and Family side of addiction. I swear she almost implied that relapse is part of addiction and that my boundaries, though good, should be more flexible to this. ???????????? Yeah...No, not gonna happen. I love her, she just doesn't "get it" yet.

Thank you for your post. I feel much much better!

Impurrfect

((Sofacat)) - if I were JUST an A, I probably wouldn't understand, either. However, I left my bf as he was still using, have 2 stepsisters who have had issues with addiction and a stepmom also has her issues. My ex died earlier this month...in a crack house. I came to this forum and realized how much of a codie I was and that my codie-ness is totally intertwined with my addiction, so I see both sides.

I think you are doing great. Relapse is NOT part of addiction...it is a possible RISK of addiction, but it doesn't have to happen. It sounds good that he wants to jump back into recovery, but watch his actions....don't go by his words. You've seen him work his recovery...you'll know if he's really working it or if he's just "talking the talk".

As far as his mom, I would just let her know "we had an agreement and he needs to keep his end of it to come home" and, if need be, stop the conversation there. My dad doesn't understand addiction at all, has no DESIRE to understand. He thinks I'm "cured". However, let me not answer the phone when he calls, and he gets worried...sigh.

You're doing great!!!! I wish I'd had your strenght 20+ years ago when I dealt with my first XABF (I had 3!!) but I was a slow learner

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NoelleR

sofacat posted.........:

"... I swear she almost implied that relapse is part of addiction and that my boundaries, though good, should be more flexible to this. ????????????..."

....to whit, impurrfect replied.............:

"...Relapse is NOT part of addiction...it is a possible RISK of addiction, but it doesn't have to happen..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where I disagree with RAM and the 'being more flexible....' I think ya'll might have been misreading what she wrote, and thinking of the phrase.......: "Relapse is a part of recovery,"

....which definitely is NOT true, but relapse IS a part of addiction, a part of the disease, a part of the illness (whatever one wants to call it).....a risk, a possibility, but not a requirement.

.........................eh?


NoelleR

OtherHalf7

Proud of you Sofacat, and feeling your pain...so glad you chose the healthy way by not tolerating it, unlike me, with my unconditional love for my ex, who I let "get away with" so much because I was trying to comfort him, be nonjudgemental, be the rescuer, and now I'm left with a broken heart and he's back to drinking and using daily.

Wish I had found you guys so much sooner

Let us know how it all elapses and holler if you need a shoulder.

yeahgr8

I've got some good friends in NA, relapse is definitely not part of recovery...BUT...i know more guys and girls than i can count on my fingers, in person, with years of sobriety who went to rehab, didn't make it first time, relapsed and got it...speaking to an old timer of NA the sort of people who relapse and recover are the ones who come straight back to the rooms in floods of tears and do things different than before, maybe they get a bit more honest with their program, attend a meeting a day, get rid of friends they know, stop going to places they did...so i was told its usually people, places and things that cause a relapse after the person has stopped going to meetings, and/or stopped (not honestly started) doing the step work and/or stop calling their sponsor.

IMO you are being a great help by sticking to your boundries and detaching as best you can, good luck to you both...fingers crossed:-)

sofacat

You got it Noelle! I can see where that statement may have been confusing. The relapse is his issue. The Boundaries are mine. He's relapsed more times than I care to admit. That isn't recovery. But thank you all for your words of encouragement!! I really do appreciate it.

sofacat

So, how is that working out for ya?

If he wants to drink, that's his choice...you have choices too! Sounds like you could use a boundary list of your own. It's not selfish, it's living. It's not easy sending someone you love out the door. But once you realize that enabling feeds their addiction, you then will find the strength to let them go.

You found us now! I didn't find this site until July of this year. I have been with my AH for 10 years and tried all the same tactics you're probably trying. Being here has made me come to terms with Step One. I am powerless. All you can do is live the life you want to live. You don't have to get sucked into his madness, but soon you will wake up and feel "sick and tired of being sick and tired." You can do it, you have choices. Stay here and read a lot. It took Me months before I made my first post. I just read, and read and read. We're all in the same boat and there are some amazing words of wisdom here. I also appreciate the feedback from RA's. It all helps so much.

Stay here, find an Alanon meeting and start working on yourself. It's time.

outtolunch

This is poetry.

Suspicious

to Sofacat
I know your H's doc is opiates and I think it was prescription meds. Which opiates did/ does he abuse?

cherrie1

I know how shocked and disappointed you must feel about your H relapse (been through it with my son) and I am so impressed with how you are sticking to your boundaries. It is the best thing for both you and him. Perhaps your strict rules will be the push he needs to get back on the program and stay there. Best of luck.

OtherHalf7

Sofacat, I'm dealing...staying busy, counting my blessing, miss him like crazy, but it gets easier each day. I have so much to be thankful for...I just got a supervisor position, graduated with my MAT two weeks ago, and have a lot to look forward to. Still shell-shocked and not ready to date (I was married to an alcoholic for a long time, and am working on why I pick troubled men up like stray diseased kittens) but I'm getting by...with no male companionship and no man to rescue my house is immaculate and I've jogged off the holiday weight, lol!

Thanks to you and all on here...much love and hugs, and saying prayers for all who are struggling!

sofacat

Oxycontin, mostly...but I think any opiate would do.

sofacat

hey OtherHalf,

Sounds like you're in a really great place right now. That's so awesome. I can just picture you getting your jogging gear on and goin' out the door with a big stride in your step. The best part is coming home to a place that's exactly how you left it!
I remember those days. Being single was actually some of my best days. I just loved having my girly house to myself... and the remote control!

I too tend to pick up troubled men in my life, all of them have been troubled. I think we all are to some extent, but I would just loooooove to not have to hear another word about drugs, booze, relapse, recovery, lying, stealing, yadda yadda yadda. It get maddening at times! Sometimes I wish there was a "clean" island I could go to and just live my days in peace. But something tells me I'd find some trouble there too!

For now, I'll find mt peace here with you guys! And figure myself out with help, one day at a time.

Stay happy! Enjoy single!!!

coffeedrinker

I agree with Noelle, the distinction she made/tried to make between

"relapse is part of recovery" and "relaspe is a part of addiction"

sofacat, you are most certainly doing as well as can be expected, and did the right thing.

As for me, I always choose compassion about the affliction, and (for me) it helps. Opiate addiction is such a monster, and he has been using long enough for major re-wiring to have happened in his brain.
He is remorseful; I felt it in reading your post. What I know from being with/around my addict, is that he has wanted to get off these things so badly so many times, and I think that for many people, there is something that was missing in their recovery that they then "get" the next time around. Someone said something here about tenacity and that it works in their favor - this makes sense. But they are fighting on two fronts: the physical addiction piece, and the other stuff that they need to work, which they can get from their meetings, sponsor, or therapist. I have also heard that after a relapse some "get it" better than if they had never fallen.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I wanted to tell you: Yes, good boundary, good follow-through -- and -- there is much hope from what it sounds like. Many good things are in place. And as for his mother, well, she is his mother. A very hard place to be, especially if she is a bit ignorant about all this. But she is (seems anyway) one of the enablers he's had in his life. Which you do not want to be - So don't let her wear down your resolve.

Peace