Feeling conflicted and guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Feeling conflicted and guilty
Hi all,
The holidays went very well - except for the weight I gained from eating too much food!
I know it sounds odd to be conflicted because things are going well, but I am. When I asked my husband to move out in June it was the culmination of YEARS of horrid codependent behavior exacerbated by years of rage behaviors on his part. By the time I reached the point of telling him I wanted a separation I had been feeling such hate and anger and lack of love for him that I could barely tolerate being in the same room with him.
Now that we have separated, he is doing all of the things I wanted him to do when we were together. He is in therapy, he is taking his medication. He is not yelling (that I know of). He is respectful and polite to me when we talk - although we don't talk about anything really serious. He is volunteering at the animal shelter, walking dogs and petting cats and even adopted a cat of his own. He is spending time with the kids, and engaging with them, not just watching TV and ignoring them. All of this is good, right? And he asked if he could stay on the couch Christmas Eve so he could be there to see the kids open presents Christmas Day, and I let him do that.
So he is doing all of this, and I know my kids (they are 8 and 5) would love so much to see Mommy and Daddy living in the same house again, but here's the thing - I have NO feelings for him anymore. None. I think part of it is that as I do my own work and therapy that I realize I never considered him to be my equal, that the relationship itself started on bad footing, and if we were to get back together we would be starting again on a poor basis. The other thing that I think is that even though he is doing well now, there is no guarantee that he won't revert to his habits a year or ten years from now, and I never want to live through that again.
And even knowing I feel this way, I still feel guilty because I married him, I pledged to work on this marriage and to be present for it, and he is trying so damned hard. And I just feel bad, guilty, because I don't love him anymore. I pray to my HP for reassurances that I am doing the right thing, living this separate life, working on myself and not focusing on trying to repair a marriage that I feel is over.
Anyone else ever gone through this?
The holidays went very well - except for the weight I gained from eating too much food!
I know it sounds odd to be conflicted because things are going well, but I am. When I asked my husband to move out in June it was the culmination of YEARS of horrid codependent behavior exacerbated by years of rage behaviors on his part. By the time I reached the point of telling him I wanted a separation I had been feeling such hate and anger and lack of love for him that I could barely tolerate being in the same room with him.
Now that we have separated, he is doing all of the things I wanted him to do when we were together. He is in therapy, he is taking his medication. He is not yelling (that I know of). He is respectful and polite to me when we talk - although we don't talk about anything really serious. He is volunteering at the animal shelter, walking dogs and petting cats and even adopted a cat of his own. He is spending time with the kids, and engaging with them, not just watching TV and ignoring them. All of this is good, right? And he asked if he could stay on the couch Christmas Eve so he could be there to see the kids open presents Christmas Day, and I let him do that.
So he is doing all of this, and I know my kids (they are 8 and 5) would love so much to see Mommy and Daddy living in the same house again, but here's the thing - I have NO feelings for him anymore. None. I think part of it is that as I do my own work and therapy that I realize I never considered him to be my equal, that the relationship itself started on bad footing, and if we were to get back together we would be starting again on a poor basis. The other thing that I think is that even though he is doing well now, there is no guarantee that he won't revert to his habits a year or ten years from now, and I never want to live through that again.
And even knowing I feel this way, I still feel guilty because I married him, I pledged to work on this marriage and to be present for it, and he is trying so damned hard. And I just feel bad, guilty, because I don't love him anymore. I pray to my HP for reassurances that I am doing the right thing, living this separate life, working on myself and not focusing on trying to repair a marriage that I feel is over.
Anyone else ever gone through this?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
No. I haven't gone through it. But I will say, you sound very sane. Balanced. In a good place. Seeing it for what it is without reacting.
There is no rule that says you have to feel any way. You feel (or don't feel) how you do toward him. Period.
Hooray for you and your balance. Don't waste a moment on guilt. You are doing right by you, your kids, and ultimately him. In fact, you are allowing him to grow (just look at him!) You with him couldn't do that (for whatever dumb reason!).
So congrats. Don't look back. Trust your feelings. Trust the process.
Hooray!
There is no rule that says you have to feel any way. You feel (or don't feel) how you do toward him. Period.
Hooray for you and your balance. Don't waste a moment on guilt. You are doing right by you, your kids, and ultimately him. In fact, you are allowing him to grow (just look at him!) You with him couldn't do that (for whatever dumb reason!).
So congrats. Don't look back. Trust your feelings. Trust the process.
Hooray!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
No, I am not going through this, and thank God! Because I would feel just as you do and I am such a sucker that I would probably end up right back in the same marriage all over again.
And now that I am out of it, I can see how bad it was for me. I was nobody in our relationship. He was the center of everything, and the only power I had in the house was when he was gone. Otherwise, we all deferred to him out of fear of his anger.
If you are done with him, then don't feel guilty. Keep on examining your feelings and your motivations and be happy that he is becoming healthy for his own sake and so that you can comfortably let him him parent your kids. But just because he is doing better doesn't mean that you have to adopt him.
And if you decide in 5 years that he is truly recovering and consistent and remorseful and mature, you can date him then, if you feel like it. You are under no obligation whatsoever to disrupt the calmness and peace you have so carefully cultivated.
(((hugs)))
And now that I am out of it, I can see how bad it was for me. I was nobody in our relationship. He was the center of everything, and the only power I had in the house was when he was gone. Otherwise, we all deferred to him out of fear of his anger.
If you are done with him, then don't feel guilty. Keep on examining your feelings and your motivations and be happy that he is becoming healthy for his own sake and so that you can comfortably let him him parent your kids. But just because he is doing better doesn't mean that you have to adopt him.
And if you decide in 5 years that he is truly recovering and consistent and remorseful and mature, you can date him then, if you feel like it. You are under no obligation whatsoever to disrupt the calmness and peace you have so carefully cultivated.
(((hugs)))
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
just because he is doing better doesn't mean that you have to adopt him.
Cowgirl-you're doing great. I do hope you loose the guilt. I'm not a doctor (all though I play one on television) but I'd say the compulsion to feel guilty over taking care of yourself probably is rooted in having lived with him for so long and trying to take care of him.
You don't have to anymore. No matter how "nice" he behaves. I hereby give you permission to take care of Cowgirl and the little Cowbabies and leave Crybaby Cow Drunk to his HP.
Granted!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 65
Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge
I can really identify with your situation.
The bottom line for me is I don't in my heart of hearts believe I can trust anything AH says. We are working toward separation, divorce probably this spring...I know he will likely try to do anything to make me think he is ok...he is very charming...Too much water under the bridge for my situation. Sounds like he gets it now? Is that what is making you conflicted...You wanted him to "get it" when he was with you instead of putting you and your kids through all this stuff? It is hard to "wish him well" I'm sure...I completely understand. I'm counting on the fact that Mr. Wonderful as handsome and charming as he is will find someone new before the ink is dry on our papers....I feel certain he will show a good face...in my face. I completely understand him not living up to expectations while with you and then doing it on his own...for me I would just consider it a "show" - guess I've become cynical at this point. I wish I'd run for the hills when I met him...
The bottom line for me is I don't in my heart of hearts believe I can trust anything AH says. We are working toward separation, divorce probably this spring...I know he will likely try to do anything to make me think he is ok...he is very charming...Too much water under the bridge for my situation. Sounds like he gets it now? Is that what is making you conflicted...You wanted him to "get it" when he was with you instead of putting you and your kids through all this stuff? It is hard to "wish him well" I'm sure...I completely understand. I'm counting on the fact that Mr. Wonderful as handsome and charming as he is will find someone new before the ink is dry on our papers....I feel certain he will show a good face...in my face. I completely understand him not living up to expectations while with you and then doing it on his own...for me I would just consider it a "show" - guess I've become cynical at this point. I wish I'd run for the hills when I met him...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Try to disengage what he says or does, with you.
If he had rage issues they were his. If he is taking some actions to improve, good for him, I hope they last. But that is his decision.
If its true recovery then it will last for the rest of his life (just like you in your recovery work, you won't go back to what you were) and you got all the time in the world to consider if you want him as a friend. Or as a partner. Or none at all in your personal life.
There is no rush.
Other choices are to be alone, or choose someone who treats you right from Day #1. Its all your pick, it is not about what others would want or like or prefer... to me it would take years of consistency to trust someone who was capable of so much harm.
All the best!!
If he had rage issues they were his. If he is taking some actions to improve, good for him, I hope they last. But that is his decision.
If its true recovery then it will last for the rest of his life (just like you in your recovery work, you won't go back to what you were) and you got all the time in the world to consider if you want him as a friend. Or as a partner. Or none at all in your personal life.
There is no rush.
Other choices are to be alone, or choose someone who treats you right from Day #1. Its all your pick, it is not about what others would want or like or prefer... to me it would take years of consistency to trust someone who was capable of so much harm.
All the best!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
It probably sounds terrible, but I wish my STBX-AH would start to turn around as yours has. At least then I'd know he was capable of it no matter how I reacted.
I absolutely understand how difficult it must be for you, particularly since you have children together, and the conflict with children and mommy-daddy/marriage is truly difficult. But perhaps it's kinda nice that he's doing a little positive change. Especially for the children. And I agree with what the others have said, especially the part about there being no hurry and plenty of time for getting back together... or not.
I absolutely understand how difficult it must be for you, particularly since you have children together, and the conflict with children and mommy-daddy/marriage is truly difficult. But perhaps it's kinda nice that he's doing a little positive change. Especially for the children. And I agree with what the others have said, especially the part about there being no hurry and plenty of time for getting back together... or not.
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