My Nightmare Came True
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
My Nightmare Came True
I haven't been here in quite awhile...
Well, December 11 would have marked the 1 year anniversary of my husband being sober from Oxi. Only 2 or 3 weeks prior he relapsed. The pieces sort of came together slowly over the last couple of weeks. He was set up with the clinic that detoxed him last year for a year of Naltraxone implants. In the summer one of them caused a very nasty abscess that sent him to the emergency room so they removed it and he was going monthly for shots. I wasn't really ok with that because I figured he wouldn't go. He missed one month and low and behold the weight he had gained over the last year just fell off. He was very happy about that, but I urged him that his "health" was more important than the weight. This fall he slowly started going to NA less because of increased (self inflicted) pressure at work. He has always been an overachiever with his career, but since rehab last year he had really put his workaholic behavior aside and put his recovery and his family first & second. Towards the end of the summer he started a subcontracting business on the side and I worried about what that would mean. I begged him to give it more time, but he saw it very differently. His addiction spun out of control the year prior when he was in a very high-level, high-pressure job that he ended up getting fired from because of his addiction. I was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle the stress of this new endeavor on top of his job.
We struggled a lot with our relationship when he first came back from rehab, but over the last few months it had really begun to return to some normalcy. We were spending time together doing couple things and even more time doing fun family things with our little boy. We had worked hard to pay off all the debt that had accumulated from his addiction and financially we are in a really good place. The man I remembered was slowly emerging, but I didn't ever take his addiction for granted and a part of me was praying the other shoe wouldn't drop. I was never naive to think that relapse wouldn't be an issue, but I just hoped and prayed it wouldn't be. I did seek help and learned that for my husband and our family to be healthy he needed to really be committed to recovery and all the meetings (something I was resentful of when he first got back). It was really looking like we would reach the 1 year sober mark as a happy, healthy family!
Around Thanksgiving I began to see subtle changes in his personality. Staying at work very late. Working weekends. Lots of text messaging. I could never prove anything because I never saw anything. When I went to him very compassionately to let him know I was concerned I was "reassured" that he wasn't for a number of reasons (mainly he is on probation for felony Rx fraud and randomly tested-always passing). My old suspicious ways came back and I started doing investigating and found his phone never had any text messages even though he was always texting, I went through pockets, drawers, his vehicle, computer bag and nothing-no bags, no residue, no hidden money. I control all of the money (even the subcontracting business money) and nothing was ever missing. I figured if he was using there would surely be a slip up somewhere a long the line. Welcome back ol' codependent self!
I finally got my proof over the weekend when the owner of a market he use to frequent (to cash checks) when he was using called our house to tell me that he had cashed a check that was written to my husband from a closed bank account. I confronted him and found out that it was written to him from a guy he met in rehab (alcoholic not drug user) who had asked him to do some work on his house and everything began to unravel. It came out that he has been paying one of his employees more money and that guy was giving him the extra back in cash. We made arrangements to go back to the clinic that detoxed him last year today for the shot (he has 4 left on his plan), but they wouldn't do it because he needs 7 days for the opiates to be out of his system and it has only been 3. He can't do the full detox right now either. They told him to try and stay clean through the weekend and come back Monday.
I just can't believe this is all coming to light 2 days before Christmas. My first instinct is to get the hell out of here, but I can't because I have this amazing 21 month old that deserves to have a good Christmas. I don't even want to be in the same room as my husband right now because of the betrayal. I was so looking forward to this holiday-we were coming full circle from where we were last Christmas. He barely remembers last year-our son's first Christmas-because he was going through an outpatient medical detox.
At this time I think if the shot is not administered on Monday I will try to find an apartment. I know that shot is just a band-aid, but it feels like insurance right now. I HATE that it has come to this-splitting up after all the hard work we put in over the last year. I'm just so angry he went back to it when we (him, me, his family, my family, our friends) were all so committed to helping him in his recovery. I feel all the anger, the fear, the resentment I worked so hard to rid myself of bubbling back. What sucks is that I know if he had relapsed early on it would have been so easy for me to leave because of the feelings I was harboring back then. Now that the joy returned and the hope crept back in I'm finding it hard to figure out what the right thing is.
Well, December 11 would have marked the 1 year anniversary of my husband being sober from Oxi. Only 2 or 3 weeks prior he relapsed. The pieces sort of came together slowly over the last couple of weeks. He was set up with the clinic that detoxed him last year for a year of Naltraxone implants. In the summer one of them caused a very nasty abscess that sent him to the emergency room so they removed it and he was going monthly for shots. I wasn't really ok with that because I figured he wouldn't go. He missed one month and low and behold the weight he had gained over the last year just fell off. He was very happy about that, but I urged him that his "health" was more important than the weight. This fall he slowly started going to NA less because of increased (self inflicted) pressure at work. He has always been an overachiever with his career, but since rehab last year he had really put his workaholic behavior aside and put his recovery and his family first & second. Towards the end of the summer he started a subcontracting business on the side and I worried about what that would mean. I begged him to give it more time, but he saw it very differently. His addiction spun out of control the year prior when he was in a very high-level, high-pressure job that he ended up getting fired from because of his addiction. I was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle the stress of this new endeavor on top of his job.
We struggled a lot with our relationship when he first came back from rehab, but over the last few months it had really begun to return to some normalcy. We were spending time together doing couple things and even more time doing fun family things with our little boy. We had worked hard to pay off all the debt that had accumulated from his addiction and financially we are in a really good place. The man I remembered was slowly emerging, but I didn't ever take his addiction for granted and a part of me was praying the other shoe wouldn't drop. I was never naive to think that relapse wouldn't be an issue, but I just hoped and prayed it wouldn't be. I did seek help and learned that for my husband and our family to be healthy he needed to really be committed to recovery and all the meetings (something I was resentful of when he first got back). It was really looking like we would reach the 1 year sober mark as a happy, healthy family!
Around Thanksgiving I began to see subtle changes in his personality. Staying at work very late. Working weekends. Lots of text messaging. I could never prove anything because I never saw anything. When I went to him very compassionately to let him know I was concerned I was "reassured" that he wasn't for a number of reasons (mainly he is on probation for felony Rx fraud and randomly tested-always passing). My old suspicious ways came back and I started doing investigating and found his phone never had any text messages even though he was always texting, I went through pockets, drawers, his vehicle, computer bag and nothing-no bags, no residue, no hidden money. I control all of the money (even the subcontracting business money) and nothing was ever missing. I figured if he was using there would surely be a slip up somewhere a long the line. Welcome back ol' codependent self!
I finally got my proof over the weekend when the owner of a market he use to frequent (to cash checks) when he was using called our house to tell me that he had cashed a check that was written to my husband from a closed bank account. I confronted him and found out that it was written to him from a guy he met in rehab (alcoholic not drug user) who had asked him to do some work on his house and everything began to unravel. It came out that he has been paying one of his employees more money and that guy was giving him the extra back in cash. We made arrangements to go back to the clinic that detoxed him last year today for the shot (he has 4 left on his plan), but they wouldn't do it because he needs 7 days for the opiates to be out of his system and it has only been 3. He can't do the full detox right now either. They told him to try and stay clean through the weekend and come back Monday.
I just can't believe this is all coming to light 2 days before Christmas. My first instinct is to get the hell out of here, but I can't because I have this amazing 21 month old that deserves to have a good Christmas. I don't even want to be in the same room as my husband right now because of the betrayal. I was so looking forward to this holiday-we were coming full circle from where we were last Christmas. He barely remembers last year-our son's first Christmas-because he was going through an outpatient medical detox.
At this time I think if the shot is not administered on Monday I will try to find an apartment. I know that shot is just a band-aid, but it feels like insurance right now. I HATE that it has come to this-splitting up after all the hard work we put in over the last year. I'm just so angry he went back to it when we (him, me, his family, my family, our friends) were all so committed to helping him in his recovery. I feel all the anger, the fear, the resentment I worked so hard to rid myself of bubbling back. What sucks is that I know if he had relapsed early on it would have been so easy for me to leave because of the feelings I was harboring back then. Now that the joy returned and the hope crept back in I'm finding it hard to figure out what the right thing is.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I understand your anger and your hurt. Your husband made his choice. He certainly didn't condsider you or the children when he chose to stop working on his recovery and start feeding his addiction. I'm sorry that it came right before Christmas but there never really is a good time for a relapse...
Your husband has all the tools he needs to recover and live a full life but it doesn't sound like that is what he wants right now. You have choices too. You can get your joy and your stability back when you are ready. You can choose to focus on your children and yourself, or focus on your husband and what he is doing.
Do you go to Alanon?
One foot in front of the other... move forward with your plan. Trust that what your head tells you to do is the right thing to do. Trust in your boundaries.
It doesn't sound like your husband is going to be much company on Christmas anyway - strung out and drugged out. If he chooses to get clean then he will have to detox which will make him a bear to be around. And if he chooses to keep using, then you have your boundaries that you need to work on.
I hope you can make the best of it. xxxooo. There are lots of people here who understand what you are going through so stick around.
Your husband has all the tools he needs to recover and live a full life but it doesn't sound like that is what he wants right now. You have choices too. You can get your joy and your stability back when you are ready. You can choose to focus on your children and yourself, or focus on your husband and what he is doing.
Do you go to Alanon?
One foot in front of the other... move forward with your plan. Trust that what your head tells you to do is the right thing to do. Trust in your boundaries.
It doesn't sound like your husband is going to be much company on Christmas anyway - strung out and drugged out. If he chooses to get clean then he will have to detox which will make him a bear to be around. And if he chooses to keep using, then you have your boundaries that you need to work on.
I hope you can make the best of it. xxxooo. There are lots of people here who understand what you are going through so stick around.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I do know that relapse is part of the disease of recovery. In the back of my mind I was always wondering WHEN the other shoe would drop-seriously I sort of expected it. I hoped it wouldn't happen, but I was also realistic. My personality is one of a realist-I never consider myself an optimist or a pessimist. Right now I have a million things going through my head that I'm not really sure what it is telling my is the right thing because at the moment nothing feels right.
As far as my recovery, I attend Alanon meetings a couple times a month, see a therapist (now just once a month, use to be every other week), and read books. It may not be the most active plan, but with a full-time career, a toddler, volunteer organizations that I participate in for my own fulfillment, that is all I can do right now.
My husband is detoxing himself right now, so yeah he is a bit of a bear and the clinic has given him something (?) to help take the edge off of that. Not sure how this weekend will go, but really can't up and leave right now.
As far as my recovery, I attend Alanon meetings a couple times a month, see a therapist (now just once a month, use to be every other week), and read books. It may not be the most active plan, but with a full-time career, a toddler, volunteer organizations that I participate in for my own fulfillment, that is all I can do right now.
My husband is detoxing himself right now, so yeah he is a bit of a bear and the clinic has given him something (?) to help take the edge off of that. Not sure how this weekend will go, but really can't up and leave right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Oh man, I'm so sorry. The biggest problem that I see here is the lying and the sneaking around. He apparently saw no problem with getting his drugs behind your back (and was clearing his tracks as well). That feels like premeditation to me.
How are things going now? Is he interested in trying again? I agree that sometimes the hardest part in all of this is dealing with relapse or possible relapse (for both the addict and his/her loved ones--i.e. the codependency issues).
But, I also think you have a right to draw a line in the sand here and to stand up for yourself. I don't see anything wrong with getting your own place.
Ask yourself this: what feels more "comfortable" to you in the gut? Being separate from all of this? Getting your own place?
or
Staying with him and living with the anxiety/drama that's going to be there? And the lack of trust?
If you would be more "relieved" to go your own way for now, then it's something to consider. For me, during the hardest parts of recovery, the idea of being in the same house with him made me ill. I seemed to do better mentally on my own.
How are things going now? Is he interested in trying again? I agree that sometimes the hardest part in all of this is dealing with relapse or possible relapse (for both the addict and his/her loved ones--i.e. the codependency issues).
But, I also think you have a right to draw a line in the sand here and to stand up for yourself. I don't see anything wrong with getting your own place.
Ask yourself this: what feels more "comfortable" to you in the gut? Being separate from all of this? Getting your own place?
or
Staying with him and living with the anxiety/drama that's going to be there? And the lack of trust?
If you would be more "relieved" to go your own way for now, then it's something to consider. For me, during the hardest parts of recovery, the idea of being in the same house with him made me ill. I seemed to do better mentally on my own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Thank you all for your comments. Christmas was alright. I have to say that despite all the **** with him we actually had a very nice holiday. We struggled for close to 3 years to have our son and every holiday while we were trying was so difficult. I dreamed of the holidays with a child for so long! I didn't let his addiction ruin the joy of the day and watching our little guy open gifts and spend time with both sides of our family. There was a little grey cloud over head because it is always on my mind somewhere that he is using, but I was able to enjoy the day.
He "says" he is going on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to the clinic for detox, will continue his counseling and NA meetings. I am sort of waiting and seeing. I want to stand by him IF he does the right thing, but if this week is met with broken promises than I will need to get some money together for an apartment which may take a few weeks.
He "says" he is going on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to the clinic for detox, will continue his counseling and NA meetings. I am sort of waiting and seeing. I want to stand by him IF he does the right thing, but if this week is met with broken promises than I will need to get some money together for an apartment which may take a few weeks.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by aah1977 
He "says" he is going on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to the clinic for detox, will continue his counseling and NA meetings. I am sort of waiting and seeing. I want to stand by him IF he does the right thing, but if this week is met with broken promises than I will need to get some money together for an apartment which may take a few weeks.
will you know if he is doing what he needs to? remember to listen to your gut. we all know how convincing a liar our addict can be.
i am so glad you were able to enjoy christmas. i understand that gray cloud, it was over a large portion of my now-past marriage. unfortunately, you can morph from a person whose expectations are continuously not being met, into someone who lowers those expectations. and it gets to be your new normal.
i pray for strength and clarity for you. happy new year
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