TakingTime

Hi everyone. I know i haven't been online for a couple of months but hope some of you remember me. I left my XABF 4 months ago (though could only physically move out 2 1/2 months ago), and have been going thru a rollercoaster ever since. My 2 year old son and I have moved 3 times (from different friends' houses to a houseshare) and now I feel like things have come full circle and I'm back to bouncing from friends' house to friend's house. Basically I went out of the frying pan and into the fire so to speak bc I ended up in another 'user' house. Sigh. I should have seen the warning signs, but didn't. I don't want to go into detail lest I am identified through this post, but suffice to say I ignored my gut intuition that warned me that what this guy said didn't match with who he really was, b/c I was so desperate to find somewhere stable to live and on the surface of it the shared house he invited me to join, ticked all the boxes, e.g. I wanted to live with other people with kids, and I had met him through the buddhist/meditation scene.

Soon I found out he was using various substances regularly, and as a couple of other things also felt 'wrong', like the way he parented which was hard to be around, I decided to look elsewhere, and started making plans to move in with some other friends who I know and trust. But things kept falling through and it just wasn' t happening. Then this past week everything's come to a head - my housemate's bingeing has increased, with random people coming over and joining in, and our other housemate joining in to some extent. Then a fairly major incident happened which again I can't describe fully but as a result I have effectively moved out and will only return to pack up my stuff for the proper moving day at the beginning of next month. I'm looking at flats just for me and my son now.

I have to admit that although I've never doubted my decision to leave my XABF, and been so much happier in myself (if in a bit of turmoil) since, I am starting to think, when the hell's it all going to end?? I've learned a lot from this experience, about trusting my gut and believing in what it tells me, rather than what users say to my face, (which they might well believe themselves), but I feel so disillusioned, in people, in my dreams, in everything. Worst has been the way my housemate has turned things around on me and blamed me for a lot of stuff which is really such an echo of what my ex used to do: really start to cause me to doubt myself. He equates failing to clean the cooker regularly with creating a toxic and unsafe environment due to drugs.

On top of it all I have continual financial stress b/c I've been denied financial aid from the government due to my immigration status and am still waiting for my immigration status to be sorted out so I can claim help. everything hangs in the balance, and in the meantime i've been depending on handouts from family and friends which feels awful. I'm working as much as I can without being able to pay for much childcare and it's such a juggling act. I didn't need to work when I lived with my ex so it's just been so much change to my son's life and mine.

I just needed to get it out here with people I know understand. I can't believe how persistent these patterns are. I want so much for my son and I to just have a stable, happy life and I know it can take time but right now I feel so bad for hauling him around from pillar to post and creating such instability in his life. I just need a bit of encouragement and support and would appreciate hearing from anyone who's gone through similar stuff.

polkadot

so sorry for all the turmoil but looks like you are looking out for him staying sober. Financially we are going through a hard time and i look at others and think they have a picture perfect life....welll they dont...no one does..even if from outside it looks like it all we can do is the best we can. Thats good enough. I wish u the best at finding a stable good home for u and ur son...God BLess!!

Daisy30

We are here for you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to finally get out of the Alcoholiuc situation just to walk back into another (of sorts). Good for you for getting your son out of there.

Do you have any family that you could stay with? I know that house shares often sound like a good idea but only if the two people have the same morals/values.

Are there any options for you to work at home? That way you wouldn't have to pay as much child care??

Have you tried al-anon? I know a meeting always picks me up when I am feeling stressed!

(((hugs)))

This to shall pass

TakingTime

Thanks guys. I only moved into a houseshare because I had no other financial choice. I'm now taking a leap and trusting that I will have enough to pay for a place on my own in about a month's time, hoping that by then my residency will be granted and therefore my benefits can kick in. My work is largely possible to do from home but as I've not had an internet connection (due to my flakey housemate not sorting things out) this was impossible. Anyway fortunately it looks like I will be able to stay at my sister's for a few weeks soon once she's got permission from her landlord (cross fingers). If not Im sure something else will come up. I've been through so much with my XABF and extricating myself from that, which was a lengthy process in itself requiring much faith, that I know I can get through this too - I'm just tired. Tired of it going on and on, and wanting some relief I guess.

But speaking to an al anon friend today helped, and saying the serenity prayer a few times too, just doing step one on it and realising i'm powerless over my soon to be ex housemate's attitudes towards me, his using and his blame. I just find it hard to separate what is really my responsibility or my fault from what is others', probably a legacy of my own childhood growing up with two 'adult children' parents and my dad being borderline alcoholic. All this stuff of being unfairly accused and blamed and being treated irrationally just brings up so much from my past relationship and my childhood. I am grateful for my al anon meetings and for SR for helping me not feel alone and crazy! after another telephone chat to the current user today I was just fuming and upset all over again, and have decided I really can't talk to him about anything more than the bare practicalities anymore. It's just too painful.

Anyway thanks for listening.