Textbook, textbook, textbook
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Textbook, textbook, textbook
I know the readers here don't want to read what my AH does or does not do but I just have to share this with somebody. And yes, I am thinking about myself, went out and bought myself a shirt today. But I just have to get this off my chest.
Last year I ended up going to a psychologist for a while. I also started reading a lot of books. I guess to "make me happy" AH, very functioning, also went to a different counselor. He said the counselor thought he was using alcohol to self medicate and AH really needed to work on issues still coming from his childhood. AH greatly reduced the daily amount of alcohol and after about 4 times stopped going.
Of course a whole bunch of stuff happened this year. His drinking increased, decreased, increased, you get the message and I suggested we couldn't stay in the status quo. So AH agreed to go to couples counseling. First he went for one session, then I went for one. We were supposed to go together from there on in. Do it was my idea originally, I thought about it and it did not make any sense going to counseling if the big "alcohol elephant" was still in the room. And to me a lot of our problems stem from the elephant. Of course, he doesn't think so. So I suggested he kept working on himself and I keep going to Al Anon and working on myself.
So last night AH went by himself to see the psychologist. He came back furious. Said it was a waste of money. Thinks the psychologist is a quack. The reason? The psychologist told him he needed to stop drinking and that he thought a lot of the problems came from alcohol. Of course AH is pissed. His reasons are that after all these years of abuse and neglect growing up he finally goes to see a therapist and instead of the therapist trying to help him cope with it, he gets labeled an alcoholic and that's it. The therapist also made him fill out a questionnaire and that showed he was not an alcoholic. (I would pay money to see that filled out form)
So as he was ranting and upset and disillusioned about this counselor all I could thing of was textbook, textbook, textbook, textbook.
Needless to say he is not going back to that quack. And I am not sure where that leaves him; or me; or us.
I am still not satisfied with the status quo. And I won't be. I told the counselor that I came to see him at the end of last year and the end of this year. I don't want to go see him the end of next year.
Thank you for everyone on this board.
ETA. Oh, I don't think the counselor is a quack. I 100 % agree with him. It's my AH that has labeled him a quack now.
Last year I ended up going to a psychologist for a while. I also started reading a lot of books. I guess to "make me happy" AH, very functioning, also went to a different counselor. He said the counselor thought he was using alcohol to self medicate and AH really needed to work on issues still coming from his childhood. AH greatly reduced the daily amount of alcohol and after about 4 times stopped going.
Of course a whole bunch of stuff happened this year. His drinking increased, decreased, increased, you get the message and I suggested we couldn't stay in the status quo. So AH agreed to go to couples counseling. First he went for one session, then I went for one. We were supposed to go together from there on in. Do it was my idea originally, I thought about it and it did not make any sense going to counseling if the big "alcohol elephant" was still in the room. And to me a lot of our problems stem from the elephant. Of course, he doesn't think so. So I suggested he kept working on himself and I keep going to Al Anon and working on myself.
So last night AH went by himself to see the psychologist. He came back furious. Said it was a waste of money. Thinks the psychologist is a quack. The reason? The psychologist told him he needed to stop drinking and that he thought a lot of the problems came from alcohol. Of course AH is pissed. His reasons are that after all these years of abuse and neglect growing up he finally goes to see a therapist and instead of the therapist trying to help him cope with it, he gets labeled an alcoholic and that's it. The therapist also made him fill out a questionnaire and that showed he was not an alcoholic. (I would pay money to see that filled out form)
So as he was ranting and upset and disillusioned about this counselor all I could thing of was textbook, textbook, textbook, textbook.
Needless to say he is not going back to that quack. And I am not sure where that leaves him; or me; or us.
I am still not satisfied with the status quo. And I won't be. I told the counselor that I came to see him at the end of last year and the end of this year. I don't want to go see him the end of next year.
Thank you for everyone on this board.
ETA. Oh, I don't think the counselor is a quack. I 100 % agree with him. It's my AH that has labeled him a quack now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Riiiight...he's a quack and has NO idea what he's talking about. riiiiight.
Ours was a "lightweight" because his ideas about fixing our marriage (like acting more loving to each other) were just so shallow and ridiculous. riiiiighttttt...
Ours was a "lightweight" because his ideas about fixing our marriage (like acting more loving to each other) were just so shallow and ridiculous. riiiiighttttt...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
ex thought going to the weekend retreat to work on the 4th and 5th steps was for weak people that dont know how to solve their own problems... riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..........
oh the irony
that weekend was the hardest in my life and so liberating by the end...
if anything this tells you he is nowhere ready to admit his problem, perhaps this helps you focus on the one willing to move forward.. you!
oh the irony
that weekend was the hardest in my life and so liberating by the end...
if anything this tells you he is nowhere ready to admit his problem, perhaps this helps you focus on the one willing to move forward.. you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Bucyn 
AH didn't say a word. And that was that. I said, "AH is not going to just stop drinking." And she looked at AH and said, "Are you going to stop drinking?" And AH said, "If you think it best." And she looked at me and said, "See, he said he'll stop drinking. You have to trust him." And for her that was that. He said he'd stop, so problem solved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Bucyn, you are right. He does have a lot of issues that he has never tried to work through. What make's the hair in my neck stand up is that this was not his first visit to this psychologist. This was his 6th. and until now he has spoken of the counselor in the highest tones. And as soon as the counselor mentioned alcoholism and stopping to drink he is labeled as a quack and my husband won't go back.
It has been pretty quiet between the two of us for a long time now and I miss the intimacy we used to have when we first met. We used to sit and talk for hours during those first 2-3 years. Yes, alcohol was already a problem. We had already a few discussions about it and it was nagging at me without me nagging at him. But then I got pregnant and stopped all drinking and smoking our relationship took a turn for the worse. I always assumed once we would have kids he would stop drinking like that. How could I have known any better?
He is blaming me now for a lot of things. He is starting to resent me for only seeing him for his drinking, which is not true. He is resenting me for being so frugal and stingy. I know you would think he would be happy. But money is very tied and it is true that I have become downright cheap. I hate spending money nowadays. He makes enough money. We don't have any debt because I am so frugal. I resent him for spending year to date 7000 CAD on booze and cigarettes while I sometimes don't buy the cheese I like. (I used to be an accountant so I do excel spreadsheets on our finances) He thinks I am too obsessed with money but I only do it so I know how much money I will have to buy stuff we need.
Plus during our discussions he always criticizes me for not thinking of him as a great dad. When I see he is drunk in front of our daughter I will get really cold against him. I will be the one that night that brushes my daughters teeth and reads her a good night story. Part of me on those nights just wants to send him to his room. I full on block his contact with our girl. I hate it when his speech is f... up and he swaggers back and forth. So I am very nice to him and talk to him calmly because of our girl but I will not let him spend time with her.
So, I just wrote way more than I wanted to. But those are the things he always brings up. That it is hard for him because his wife thinks of him as a drunk, as a not good enough provider and as a bad dad.
And I love him and just don't want to see him swagger and slur.
Man. I so often wonder if I could just live with his drinking if our life could not be great. If I just don't care about the no intimacy, the no sex, the financial implications and the disgusting smell. The no intimacy would be part number one. The fact that when he and I are finally alone for the day he is tipsy or drunk. And I want the sober parts.
It has been pretty quiet between the two of us for a long time now and I miss the intimacy we used to have when we first met. We used to sit and talk for hours during those first 2-3 years. Yes, alcohol was already a problem. We had already a few discussions about it and it was nagging at me without me nagging at him. But then I got pregnant and stopped all drinking and smoking our relationship took a turn for the worse. I always assumed once we would have kids he would stop drinking like that. How could I have known any better?
He is blaming me now for a lot of things. He is starting to resent me for only seeing him for his drinking, which is not true. He is resenting me for being so frugal and stingy. I know you would think he would be happy. But money is very tied and it is true that I have become downright cheap. I hate spending money nowadays. He makes enough money. We don't have any debt because I am so frugal. I resent him for spending year to date 7000 CAD on booze and cigarettes while I sometimes don't buy the cheese I like. (I used to be an accountant so I do excel spreadsheets on our finances) He thinks I am too obsessed with money but I only do it so I know how much money I will have to buy stuff we need.
Plus during our discussions he always criticizes me for not thinking of him as a great dad. When I see he is drunk in front of our daughter I will get really cold against him. I will be the one that night that brushes my daughters teeth and reads her a good night story. Part of me on those nights just wants to send him to his room. I full on block his contact with our girl. I hate it when his speech is f... up and he swaggers back and forth. So I am very nice to him and talk to him calmly because of our girl but I will not let him spend time with her.
So, I just wrote way more than I wanted to. But those are the things he always brings up. That it is hard for him because his wife thinks of him as a drunk, as a not good enough provider and as a bad dad.
And I love him and just don't want to see him swagger and slur.
Man. I so often wonder if I could just live with his drinking if our life could not be great. If I just don't care about the no intimacy, the no sex, the financial implications and the disgusting smell. The no intimacy would be part number one. The fact that when he and I are finally alone for the day he is tipsy or drunk. And I want the sober parts.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
First of all this confuses me
because that's why we're here. To sort out our issues. It helps me to see others "textbook" examples of both alcoholism and codependance.
And secondly, your marriage is just like mine, except I'm no accountant and with a few affairs (from AH) thrown in. I grew tired of wishing and wanting for him to change and left and things are infinitly better.
Being drunk in front of the kids on a regular basis is not noly disgusting and unacceptable, to me it's dangerous because this is a progressive disease. I watched my AH drinking escalate over the years and now believe it will ony get worse. No matter how bad I thought it WAS, it DOES and DID get worse.
That's ultimatly what led me to leave him. Not the wishing for the good parts, not the weeping because I was so lonely. Knowing how it affected my kids and knowing it would get worse.
Your situation may be different, though. You may be the kind of person who can live with it, I can't say obviously. Only you can.
I'm glad you're here and hope you eventually feel confident in sharing with us.
I know the readers here don't want to read what my AH does or does not do
And secondly, your marriage is just like mine, except I'm no accountant and with a few affairs (from AH) thrown in. I grew tired of wishing and wanting for him to change and left and things are infinitly better.
Being drunk in front of the kids on a regular basis is not noly disgusting and unacceptable, to me it's dangerous because this is a progressive disease. I watched my AH drinking escalate over the years and now believe it will ony get worse. No matter how bad I thought it WAS, it DOES and DID get worse.
That's ultimatly what led me to leave him. Not the wishing for the good parts, not the weeping because I was so lonely. Knowing how it affected my kids and knowing it would get worse.
Your situation may be different, though. You may be the kind of person who can live with it, I can't say obviously. Only you can.
I'm glad you're here and hope you eventually feel confident in sharing with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
transformyself. I might have expressed myself there a bit funny. (Can I blame it on English being my 3rd language?)
When I first started reading at SR I recall reading long stories from newcomers about their A. Looking for help, screaming for advice. At first I did not understand the answers. Instead of help and advice I saw short questions like "What do you want?" "How does that make you feel?". At first I wondered why nobody was trying to help, to offer advise. I could not see that as long as the focus is only on the A no healing for either one could happen. Now I catch myself reading those same threads wondering how the poster is doing and I recognize myself in their tunnel vision, solely focused on A.
So what I wanted to express was that I needed to make a post just about my AH, share some stuff about A that had nothing to do with my recovery. But at the same time let posters know I am o.k. not stuck in the tunnel.
But you are right. Being drunk in front of our daughter is a disgusting thing. I can usually tell when he has crossed the line. When his eyes get bloodshot and he has to concentrate on speech and body functions to appear sober. I can see it. Part of me knows my daughter can see it too. Part of me hopes she doesn't yet. She currently still ignores it, doesn't react any different. And I know my AH knows it too since he will immediately switch over to drinking water for the rest of the night.
It is one of the reasons I hate weekends. During the week he will have his first beer when he gets home at about 7.00. We eat dinner and then we tuck her in. On the weekend it is different. He will start sometime in the afternoon with a beer. And some days he will be fine, but I hate the ones when he is not.
Bucyn thank you very much for your post. I have read it a few times now and yeah, they sure are textbook. I think if I would work as well it would help on the money front. Part of me still feels like he makes the money so I can't complain about how he spends it. So many things to figure out.
Thank you for sharing the list your AH put together. It made me laugh. Sad aye? You wrote "He wouldn't be smashing drunk, but he also wouldn't be alcohol free either." That so much describes my A. I sometimes wished he would pass out in the yard or throw up or fall down a flight of stairs just so that he sees there are consequences to his drinking. Right now he doesn't.
He will definitely not go back to the Quack and I am not sure what I need to do for myself. My next Al Anon meeting is on Wednesday. Going to be a lot on SR today! And of course reading everything I can about Step 1 again. It is almost like starting back at Square 1.
Thank you everyone.
When I first started reading at SR I recall reading long stories from newcomers about their A. Looking for help, screaming for advice. At first I did not understand the answers. Instead of help and advice I saw short questions like "What do you want?" "How does that make you feel?". At first I wondered why nobody was trying to help, to offer advise. I could not see that as long as the focus is only on the A no healing for either one could happen. Now I catch myself reading those same threads wondering how the poster is doing and I recognize myself in their tunnel vision, solely focused on A.
So what I wanted to express was that I needed to make a post just about my AH, share some stuff about A that had nothing to do with my recovery. But at the same time let posters know I am o.k. not stuck in the tunnel.
But you are right. Being drunk in front of our daughter is a disgusting thing. I can usually tell when he has crossed the line. When his eyes get bloodshot and he has to concentrate on speech and body functions to appear sober. I can see it. Part of me knows my daughter can see it too. Part of me hopes she doesn't yet. She currently still ignores it, doesn't react any different. And I know my AH knows it too since he will immediately switch over to drinking water for the rest of the night.
It is one of the reasons I hate weekends. During the week he will have his first beer when he gets home at about 7.00. We eat dinner and then we tuck her in. On the weekend it is different. He will start sometime in the afternoon with a beer. And some days he will be fine, but I hate the ones when he is not.
Bucyn thank you very much for your post. I have read it a few times now and yeah, they sure are textbook. I think if I would work as well it would help on the money front. Part of me still feels like he makes the money so I can't complain about how he spends it. So many things to figure out.
Thank you for sharing the list your AH put together. It made me laugh. Sad aye? You wrote "He wouldn't be smashing drunk, but he also wouldn't be alcohol free either." That so much describes my A. I sometimes wished he would pass out in the yard or throw up or fall down a flight of stairs just so that he sees there are consequences to his drinking. Right now he doesn't.
He will definitely not go back to the Quack and I am not sure what I need to do for myself. My next Al Anon meeting is on Wednesday. Going to be a lot on SR today! And of course reading everything I can about Step 1 again. It is almost like starting back at Square 1.
Thank you everyone.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by canuckch
And I love him and just don't want to see him swagger and slur.
Man. I so often wonder if I could just live with his drinking if our life could not be great
Man. I so often wonder if I could just live with his drinking if our life could not be great
so I think, yes, you may be able to live with his drinking for awhile - but it will get worse.
I feel a lot of connections to your posts because mine is functional too - and I love him when sober and despise him when he's drinking. He hates our counselor as well...says she doesn't listen to him. I told him to find another one but he knows he'll be hard pressed to get one that agrees with him and if he has 2 with the same opinion, he really won't know where to turn.
I am continuing to see the counselor without him. It helps me keep my sanity.
I hope just hearing that you are not alone helps.
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