greengirl

Hi--I am new and I don't think I feel like adding a smiley face. Not that they aren't tempting. I read a column posted about having fun even if you don't feel like it, rather than worrying, and that's a thing I could learn.

How do you go about starting recovery? I'm in Al Anon already (1 year now, one meeting a week-ish) but I feel completely stuck. I can't really stand to talk to people in the meeting. It makes me feel like crinkling up into a ball and I don't know why it's so unbearable. I have friends outside of 12-Step, very good friendships, quite (not totally) intimate.

I guess I need to make relationships there, huh? So uncomfortable, so raw and insecure feeling.

I've really boxed myself in by dating someone in that and other fellowships and so a) I felt like I couldn't share about the relationship while we were seeing each other and b) now I REALLY feel like I can't share about it as the reasons we broke up are exposing.

I realized that my boyfriend was suffering from some serious mental illness I couldn't identify but which scared me--he was talking to himself more and more to the point where when I was talking to him he'd sometimes start talking to himself. One night he made a comment that really scared me and when next I left the apartment I couldn't go back again.

Yesterday I had an email from him saying he was contemplating suicide. I called his therapists and one of the therapists called him and I know that they are now working with him about this.

I feel terribly worried about him, because I don't know what the illness is, the prognosis is, whether he will stop threatening himself, whether he will start threatening me---if he ends up on meds what if they interfere with his ability to work, his family is not there for him, he is too alone in the world. . . . He has had a hard life. Too hard, not enough softness--it shouldn't have to be that hard.

Anyway, I don't feel like I can share about the situation in meetings becuase people will know who I am referring to--enough of the participants know him and know we were dating. Mental illness is so stigmatized (and misunderstood! who the hell understands it? I don't) in our culture--I can't expose him to that, especially when he particularly needs community and support.

I really WANT to talk about it in meetings because I feel so guilty. What did I do to him? He unraveled during the relationship. Partly it was the intimacy and coming into contact with this secret life/world it turns out he has. But also maybe it was my sticky codependency, my no-boundaries "love," that was unsafe for him.

I wish I had just been his friend so I could be his friend now, instead of someone who has completely deserted him. I'm too scared of him to be present in his life and that is part of what has made him fall apart, that despair that someone could react to him with such fear. It's just so sad, I feel like a betrayer, a false friend.

Hopefully this coming out into the air (his therapists finally know what they didn't used to know--that he talks to himself, his apartment is a dirty clutter disaster, that he has taken to showering just once a week--he was hiding all that, as well as the rage, from them) will give him a chance to really heal. But our mental health system leaves a lot to be desired. I'm so scared for him, but also for myself--I can't predict if he'll basically come after me for this abandonment. I mean, I left because I was afraid he'd come after me, out of whatever the secret world is in his head. It doesn't seem friendly.

At first I thought the anger was just, "Oh! Alcoholism! I recognize this, that anger and bossiness!" I think it was partly that, even though he doesn't drink. But something else is going on. He is having a breakdown of some kind, but the elements have been present for many years.

Yet he was wonderful too--that's why I was there. We liked doing similar things, had a similar tempo (that's important!!), walked at a similar speed even, he is funny, independent, unique, very freaking smart. . . . We liked trying new weird foods at restaurants. We liked trying new things together. When I met him, he was very excited about trying new things in his life. By the time I left, he was basically depressed about his life, where it was going--he felt stuck at work, and rather grim. It seemed to start about 4 months into the relationship.

Thanks for being here. It's a relief to bring this to this kind of community. I know it's a um long email.

TakingCharge999

Hi greengirl, is there any other al anon meeting even if its more problematic to attend? have you tried al anon online meetings? or if you got a sponsor can you talk to her instead? just offering some options...

I met someone here in SR and I care a lot about him. He told me he has been suicidal and I started worrying but, it is his life, only therapists, 911, etc. can deal with such situations. It is his problem, not yours.

Recovery is a very wide concept and at the same time is very personal... of course I only know what I have read and gone through. Until you got your personal mix that feels good and uplifts you... a personal counselor, SR, melody beattie and similar books, GOOD FRIENDS, family, travel, pets, volunteering, arts, yoga...

I believe we all start recovery when we wake up each day... welcome to SR (((hugs))))

husbandofacoa

I have been in alanon for 5 years. I am very blessed to have a group where I feel at ease to open up. I am also blessed to know alanon friends from other groups. I also have a good sponsor. These are all important aspects to recovery.

If possible, you might benefit from a group outside your immediate area. You might feel free to open up. There is an alanon slogan that is so very true: "we are only as sick as our secrets". When I am able to spill it out, the issue no longer has such power over me. This may be a little painful to hear, but part of our hesitancy to tell our secrets is our own sick pride.

In my case, by the time I came to alanon, I had bottomed out. My life was so painful that I didn't care who knew my secrets I just wanted help. I found it in alanon.

If your bf has some kind of mental illiness, he needs professional help and you have done the right thing. Don't blame yourself and don't think that you have abandoned him. You have done the best that you can with the situation that you have. It is so very important that we learn to take care of ourselves. It is not wrong to be a little selfish. It is very important for you to remember that you cannot fix him! It is not your place to fix him! He is better off in professional hands.

Good luck.

Hang in there and keep going to alanon and to this forum. Try to find a sponsor. Some of the older ladies that I have met in alanon are some of the wisest and most experienced people that I will ever know.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family, greengirl!

You will find support and information here. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I did not want to share details about my life with others at Alanon meetings. I didn't want people to know it wasn't as it appeared to be. I was afraid of what others might think. My fears and shame were holding me back from my own recovery.

SR and Alanon members have been very patient, supportive, comforting and understanding of my shares. I was more comfortable sharing one-on-one with an individual of Alanon at first. If you have a phone list, maybe you can contact one of the members and have a private share. It gets easier.

greengirl

Thank Pelican, HusbandACOA and TakingCharge. I hear what you are saying about the importance of sharing and that sick pride can be part of it, and secrets keeping the problems alive.

I will start talking to individual people in Al Anon and maybe head outside my area for an Al Anon meeting where I would feel both my ex-partner and I would have anonymity preserved when I share about my concerns.

I got an email from him this morning saying he blames me for his having to decide whether to live or die.

I left the relationship extremely suddenly--I was his best friend on Sunday and gone on Monday. I suddenly got frightened--all at once things fell into place for me and I realized that he was having a hard time staying in reality and that where he was going was NOT friendly.

It turns out he is very fragile and I can't believe I didn't see that. Reading the "hooks" page on this website, hook-number-10 is "Idealism or Fantasy Thinking" --- when you are hooked by the fantasy or ideal of how it is supposed to be, rather than how things are. I got very hooked on the idea that this was an ideal relationship and overlooked many obvious signs of mental illness!

This frightens me!

Ex-bf is clearly not the only one who has a hard time dealing with things as they are.

Now he is blaming me, and that scares me. He is devastatingly angry. He was getting angry all the time, so it's not surprising, but I'm scared to be seen as the victimizer by this man. He feels so self-righteous.

Honestly thinking of moving to another town. I'm feeling very anxious.

He was so kind, felt things so strongly--I think that was why I fell in love. Such vitality, such passionate emotion. Then the strong emotion became anger and resentment mostly.

I know I need to shift the focus off of him and onto myself although I don't really understand what that means yet. I also need to determine what I need to do for myself, to feel safe.

Meanwhile, I'm going to read a history book today, and go for a walk, and go see my old therapist, and maybe have dinner with a friend--ie, try to have fun instead of gripping onto this and obsessing. It feels very unnatural but I'll do it.

Thanks for "listening."

tjp613

Hi Greengirl -- So sorry you are going through this!!

Here's a link for "safety planning" for domestic abuse situations, but I would think a lot of the same ideas would apply to your situation.

Also remember that you can always call 9-1-1 in an emergency or if he calls/writes you threatening suicide again. It's good that you called his therapist.

Welcome to SR! We are glad you're here!

tjp613

Bucyn, What's EMDR please?

greengirl

Thanks tjp and bucyn.

Tjp I think EMDR is an eye-movement therapy.

I received another disturbing email, but after that, today, I received one apologizing for lashing out at me and taking responsibility for his own feelings. This means he spoke with a sponsor or his therapist--he has created a very good support network for himself and if he can just keep reaching out for support during this and using that network--I really hope he does. He is such a lovely soul, even though he can be horribly manipulative and emotionally abusive--So he got support and he requested that after a couple of pragmatic details are taken care of, we cease communication.

I really hope he sticks with that idea. He does go back and forth between saying something healthy and with closure, like that, and then trying to reel me in again or build up a hateful rage toward me.

But he has an psychiatric evaluation on Monday, and his therapists say they will be in touch with him over the weekend. I wish there were someone to go and stay with him.

I hope he pulls through, heals, and really grows. He has had sobriety for 6 years and other sorts of recovery. He really is very strong as well as very fragile. I have tremendous respect for him, but he needs to consider others' feelings and others' reality.

And I need to consider others' feelings too, in my codependency, and consider the effect I have on people. What I see in him in another way I see in myself. He really holds up a mirror to me.

I'll look at the information about domestic abuse because the situation is so unpredictable--will he hurt himself, come after me, will he choose healing, will he get good help? Really good help?

The serenity prayer is so---please universe, love him, help him feel the love, his love for himself. He got himself this far.