But wait!! There's MORE!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
But wait!! There's MORE!
Just when you think it's over...it isn't.
There had been some peace and quiet, and it had lulled me into thinking that things would be ok...or perhaps that XAH would just "go away". Sadly, he's well entrenched in this city and plans to make a parasite of himself for god knows how long. Sure he's not drinking when I'm around...but that doesn't seem to change anything in his character. He still thinks everything needs to be organized around him and his desperate need to secure himself in his daughter's life, lest some awful predatory boyfriend of mine swoop in and usurp his rightful place.
The visit was still fine, still supervised by me (we've had NO unsupervised visitation since I left 6 weeks ago), but I started to see his intentions resurface:
* I should be moving back to His Neighborhood (i.e. The Center of the Universe around which All Things Revolve) to make visitation easier on him and DD...nevermind that I moved out at his request, and to get away from him, to clear my debts, and get a break.
* We should write down a custody agreement outlining who gets what...i.e. he'll TELL me what I should accept because he thinks he's got something on me.
* If DD cries before, during or after the visit, it MUST be my fault and I should seek to remedy the situation by giving him everything he wants.
Of course, XAH had no qualms whatsoever in discussing this situation right in front of his 12 year old son, who's already heard far too much. I didn't engage, didn't talk back, just said Yes yes yes, and got the heck out of there. Mediation #3 is slated for Thursday and once again, I'm not looking forward to it. Once again, I'm going to have to fight to show that DD is better off with me, and it won't be easy considering he's been playing Super Dad in the last two weeks.
I'm calling my EAP to see if I can get referrals to a new lawyer, because I smell trouble coming my way.
There had been some peace and quiet, and it had lulled me into thinking that things would be ok...or perhaps that XAH would just "go away". Sadly, he's well entrenched in this city and plans to make a parasite of himself for god knows how long. Sure he's not drinking when I'm around...but that doesn't seem to change anything in his character. He still thinks everything needs to be organized around him and his desperate need to secure himself in his daughter's life, lest some awful predatory boyfriend of mine swoop in and usurp his rightful place.
The visit was still fine, still supervised by me (we've had NO unsupervised visitation since I left 6 weeks ago), but I started to see his intentions resurface:
* I should be moving back to His Neighborhood (i.e. The Center of the Universe around which All Things Revolve) to make visitation easier on him and DD...nevermind that I moved out at his request, and to get away from him, to clear my debts, and get a break.
* We should write down a custody agreement outlining who gets what...i.e. he'll TELL me what I should accept because he thinks he's got something on me.
* If DD cries before, during or after the visit, it MUST be my fault and I should seek to remedy the situation by giving him everything he wants.
Of course, XAH had no qualms whatsoever in discussing this situation right in front of his 12 year old son, who's already heard far too much. I didn't engage, didn't talk back, just said Yes yes yes, and got the heck out of there. Mediation #3 is slated for Thursday and once again, I'm not looking forward to it. Once again, I'm going to have to fight to show that DD is better off with me, and it won't be easy considering he's been playing Super Dad in the last two weeks.
I'm calling my EAP to see if I can get referrals to a new lawyer, because I smell trouble coming my way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I smell trouble too and am glad you are getting legal help now, not later when decisions have been made.
He sounds controlling, he sounds like he is planting seeds to discredit you, and of course you don't have to listen. But connecting with legal council is a good idea to protect your rights.
Hugs
He sounds controlling, he sounds like he is planting seeds to discredit you, and of course you don't have to listen. But connecting with legal council is a good idea to protect your rights.
Hugs
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Try to maintain no contact until the Mediation. His history is that he will try to manipulate you prior to Mediation and extract promises from you.
You decided on a visitation schedule that he suggested already, right? Stick to it.
You are going to get there, one day at a time!
You decided on a visitation schedule that he suggested already, right? Stick to it.
You are going to get there, one day at a time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ok, here is what my "lawyer" responded to my email, sent 2 weeks ago, asking for her professional opinion in this matter (sorry if the translation is rough...the original is written in French)
"Hello Ms. X,
First and foremost, please forgive the delay in responding. I've been out of the office almost continually.
Second, it is very possible that a judge would order your ex not to drink while he has visitation with your daughter; this arrangement would seem "reasonable". Obviously, I understand your concerns, but I think you'll quickly be able to discern whether your ex has had any alcohol during his visitations. It is also possible that since the issue was brought up, it would become a non-issue--this is very likely.
I would invite you to consider the situation as a detached and netral third party--as if you were the judge, and that you were listening to your ex's arguments. The fact that he was very strange with you in the past, even cruel, does not necessarily affect his ability to parent properly. The courts now tend to separate the parent/parent relationship from the parent/child relationship, which can be presented under very different light.
Where the serving of legal proceedings is concerned, the decision is entirely yours. When is your next mediation appointment? In any case, for the agreement to be valid, it must be legally approved by the courts."
*sigh* I'm feeling very frustrated right now. It seems like this lawyer thinks there's no point in asking for custody since what my XAH did to me doesn't affect his parenting skills and apparently his drinknig can easily be swept under the rug.
Comments anyone?
"Hello Ms. X,
First and foremost, please forgive the delay in responding. I've been out of the office almost continually.
Second, it is very possible that a judge would order your ex not to drink while he has visitation with your daughter; this arrangement would seem "reasonable". Obviously, I understand your concerns, but I think you'll quickly be able to discern whether your ex has had any alcohol during his visitations. It is also possible that since the issue was brought up, it would become a non-issue--this is very likely.
I would invite you to consider the situation as a detached and netral third party--as if you were the judge, and that you were listening to your ex's arguments. The fact that he was very strange with you in the past, even cruel, does not necessarily affect his ability to parent properly. The courts now tend to separate the parent/parent relationship from the parent/child relationship, which can be presented under very different light.
Where the serving of legal proceedings is concerned, the decision is entirely yours. When is your next mediation appointment? In any case, for the agreement to be valid, it must be legally approved by the courts."
*sigh* I'm feeling very frustrated right now. It seems like this lawyer thinks there's no point in asking for custody since what my XAH did to me doesn't affect his parenting skills and apparently his drinknig can easily be swept under the rug.
Comments anyone?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I don't really read such futility into her email. I interpret it more that a judge (an objective third party) would be more leniant with AH about visitation. It seems the instruction to not drink during visitation is something the lawyer feels would be granted by a judge because it would be an obvious thing for someone who knows him to pick up on if he started doing it around DD.
I read it that she is giving you the reality of what a court would agree to. I guess her experience is that the court does not hold matters of marital discord against parental rights. While we may disgree with that (knowing that abuse to the spouse does not leave children unaffected), but we aren't the ones to appease. It's the courts.
I still think if you are disatissfied with her service (Two weeks is a little excessive to pass on an "I've bee busy" excuse.) than find someone else. There may be another lawyer who has fought and won cases like yours and is more optimistic that a court will lean in your favor. Someone else may also be able to provide more counsel to you than just law, if that makes sense.
Best to you!
Alice
I read it that she is giving you the reality of what a court would agree to. I guess her experience is that the court does not hold matters of marital discord against parental rights. While we may disgree with that (knowing that abuse to the spouse does not leave children unaffected), but we aren't the ones to appease. It's the courts.
I still think if you are disatissfied with her service (Two weeks is a little excessive to pass on an "I've bee busy" excuse.) than find someone else. There may be another lawyer who has fought and won cases like yours and is more optimistic that a court will lean in your favor. Someone else may also be able to provide more counsel to you than just law, if that makes sense.
Best to you!
Alice
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm not reading anything about your custody in that email. I believe you will have custody and he will be granted visitation rights. You will have a clause about his not drinking prior/during visitations.
The courts seperate your relationship with AH from AH's relationship with your child. You are asking for a divorce from AH, period. You are establishing visitation rights for AH with DD, period. Two seperate issues.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but he is not asking for custody during mediation, right? His requests for 1/2 or full custody are just threats he makes to you to manipulate you. Does he have a lawyer requesting full or joint custody yet?
The courts seperate your relationship with AH from AH's relationship with your child. You are asking for a divorce from AH, period. You are establishing visitation rights for AH with DD, period. Two seperate issues.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but he is not asking for custody during mediation, right? His requests for 1/2 or full custody are just threats he makes to you to manipulate you. Does he have a lawyer requesting full or joint custody yet?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Thank you for your responses. They give me food for thought.
My EAP apparently gives me the right to a 30 minute consultation with a lawyer of my choice, for free. So, I may well avail myself of this option just to get another lawyer's opinion.
Pelican...XAH *says* that he has a lawyer willing to take his case pro-bono but so far, I've not been served with papers or anything. He just wants me to GRANT him shared custody as of 24 or 30 months OR ELSE he'll file for sole custody and take my daughter back to Ontario with him. Clearly, XAH doesn't want shared custody now, because she's still a baby and far too much work for him, but he thinks that at 24 months, she'll magically turn into an easy-going toddler he can have fun with and bring to coffee shops with him to pick up women or something. I even told him, point blank, that shared custody wasn't to his advantage because it was a lot of work for him, and would preclude him going out drinking with his friends, to which he responded "Yes, but at 24 months she'll be a toddler and far easier to handle". Wishing thinking, methinks.
I guess the magic question is this: Will I get sole custody if I go to court or will the judge straight away grand him shared custody? If so, I'm better off NOT going to court and just trying to manage him on my own...
My EAP apparently gives me the right to a 30 minute consultation with a lawyer of my choice, for free. So, I may well avail myself of this option just to get another lawyer's opinion.
Pelican...XAH *says* that he has a lawyer willing to take his case pro-bono but so far, I've not been served with papers or anything. He just wants me to GRANT him shared custody as of 24 or 30 months OR ELSE he'll file for sole custody and take my daughter back to Ontario with him. Clearly, XAH doesn't want shared custody now, because she's still a baby and far too much work for him, but he thinks that at 24 months, she'll magically turn into an easy-going toddler he can have fun with and bring to coffee shops with him to pick up women or something. I even told him, point blank, that shared custody wasn't to his advantage because it was a lot of work for him, and would preclude him going out drinking with his friends, to which he responded "Yes, but at 24 months she'll be a toddler and far easier to handle". Wishing thinking, methinks.
I guess the magic question is this: Will I get sole custody if I go to court or will the judge straight away grand him shared custody? If so, I'm better off NOT going to court and just trying to manage him on my own...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
He just wants me to GRANT him shared custody as of 24 or 30 months OR ELSE he'll file for sole custody and take my daughter back to Ontario with him.
Are you an unstable mother? Are you addicted to drugs or alcohol? Are you negligent or abusive of your dd? No? Why would a judge take your daughter out of your home and award sole custody to your AH?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Pelican
Why do you think a judge will give him sole custody? Judges are not fairy godmother's granting wishes to handsome princes.
Are you an unstable mother? Are you addicted to drugs or alcohol? Are you negligent or abusive of your dd? No? Why would a judge take your daughter out of your home and award sole custody to your AH?
Are you an unstable mother? Are you addicted to drugs or alcohol? Are you negligent or abusive of your dd? No? Why would a judge take your daughter out of your home and award sole custody to your AH?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Bucyn
I think your lawyer is giving you good advice. That's been my experience. The clock gets reset and if from this point on he can be a good parent, nothing in the past matters. And yes, alcoholism is swept under the rug.
As I stated to you once before, the past is the past. My opinion on what you 'used to do' and 'what you have done' weighs too heavy on your mind. Live in the now and fight a powerful fight. You obviously are a strong person so don't let him get to you. You know what is right here and clearly know how to protect your daughter. Don't underestimate the power that you have over the situation.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Those things are in your past. Talk to your lawyer about roadblocks that may come up IF he hires a lawyer and brings up your past.
Your reality is that he has not hired an attorney yet.
Your reality is that he is still drinking.
If he is bringing up your past, it is his way of trying to control you.
If you are re-living your past, please find a way to forgive yourself. You are so much more today. You are working a day job, raising a little girl and trying to make healthier choices for both your futures.
Don't give up on you, we haven't!
Your reality is that he has not hired an attorney yet.
Your reality is that he is still drinking.
If he is bringing up your past, it is his way of trying to control you.
If you are re-living your past, please find a way to forgive yourself. You are so much more today. You are working a day job, raising a little girl and trying to make healthier choices for both your futures.
Don't give up on you, we haven't!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I only know it's complicated. I also know that if you feel uneasy with your attorney, you should get another one. I fired my first attorney, he wasn't doing his job and I told him so.
A good attorney will cost you money - but they are worth it in the end. My X had a vile attorney, mine was experienced and patient, professional and tough. She followed through, and I felt my case was in capable hands. That means a lot under such stressful conditions.
The only other thing I'll say about attorneys is: when they aren't "in court", they're "on vacation". Ha.
One last thing..... this too, shall pass.
A good attorney will cost you money - but they are worth it in the end. My X had a vile attorney, mine was experienced and patient, professional and tough. She followed through, and I felt my case was in capable hands. That means a lot under such stressful conditions.
The only other thing I'll say about attorneys is: when they aren't "in court", they're "on vacation". Ha.
One last thing..... this too, shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
I even told him, point blank, that shared custody wasn't to his advantage because it was a lot of work for him, and would preclude him going out drinking with his friends, to which he responded "Yes, but at 24 months she'll be a toddler and far easier to handle".
That man has clearly never had to care for a toddler by himself! They don't call 'em the Terrible Twos for nothin'!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I don't know about your jurisdiction, but in mine, the family court will not grant joint custody unless both parties are largely in agreement on things. They don't want to see people back in court in a month because they can't agree on stuff that needs an agreement. Being a dancer is totally irrelevant and won't be considered at all by a judge. Suicide attempt five years ago - probably not, either.
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