Kjell

It was February of 2007 and I was in San Diego on business. We were done with our tradeshow and I was drinking beers and doing shots with a few friends. Once they were done and going back to the hotel room, I decided I was going to Tijuana, even if I had to go by myself.

Fast forward to me, in a cab, in Mexico, with no money running from the cab driver as he yelled for his fare at about 06:30am the next day. I then proceeded to the border crossing, with illegal substances in my pocket. Yes, I smuggled myself and a pocket full of drugs back into the US. What insanity!

I then found my way back to my hotel, looked in the mirror, and said “My name is __________ and I’m an alcoholic, a drug addict, and a criminal.

This was the first time I admitted what I was and who I’d become. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to accept it and for another 20 months, my life spiraled out of control and I lost much (in a country song sort of way – lost girlfriend, lost job, had to move, got arrested twice and totaled two cars).

I’m sharing this b/c I’m back on step 1 and this time, I don’t want to just gloss over it.

My sponsor asked me to make a list of all the bad decisions I’ve made sober from the time I admitted I’m an alcoholic to today.

At first, I said “Really?! This is going to be a short list! All my bad decisions were made either drunk, high, or a combination of both”.

His response – “but you were sober when you made the decision to pick up that first drink”. Wow.

…and then it hit me. I AM powerless over alcoholic. I have no defense over that first drink and the only way I’m going to have a defense, is by becoming spiritually fit and working the program of AA.

PS – this is gonna be a long list…

bananagrrrl

Thanks for sharing, Kjell. It seems like it all boils down to our relationship(s) with our HP. Mine sucked when I drank.

least

I too am back on step one. I will try harder to stay sober this time and will go to more meetings.

I WAS sober when I picked up that first drink a few days ago. I let my feelings tell me what to do when my intellect knew I was doing a bad thing by drinking. I'm going to ask my shrink today about a different med for this anxiety. I don't want to go back to drinking anymore. I do'nt want to die an alcoholic. I want to live sober.

CAPTAINZING2000

Funny thing, I could admit I was powerless, I hated to admit my life was unmanageable.

Kjell

oops, it was Feb 2008 (just realized I put the wrong year)

Kjell

Least- I don't even know you, but I want you to live sober too. ...and I know you can do it. Please keep trying.

sugErspun

I gotta say.

It was never about trying harder..I tried as hard as I could to stay sober.
It was about putting my pride/beliefs aside and doing what was suggested I "DO".

The simplest thing I ever did was give up, but I couldn't think my way into it. I had to take an honest look at my life, the effect alcohol has on me, my ability to leave it alone (rather - inability) and I realized that if I continued on in any fashion that was of my own design ("I am gonna do x,y,z this time"), I would be drunk.

Step 1 I will drink again, and to drink is to die.

It's a feeling more than a thought...and it is not comfortable (well - it wasn't comfortable for me).

McGowdog

For me... I can understand the antiAAers that say that A.A. doesn't work.

I tried to quit and stay stopped prior to and after A.A. Some would say that I did the A.A. program and was/seemed successful. But I drank again. If anybody should have jumped on their bandwagon, it would be me.

When I came back in, I was asked yet again, "So, do you think you have a problem with booze?" If I'd have been a smart ass and said, "Why do you think I'm here?" ... they would have shunned me. I answered seriously, "Yes, I do."

Then they asked me, "Do you want to quit for good and all?" I said just as seriously, "Yes, I do."

Then they put me on the 4th step, but I was asked to be open to step 1, and step 2. "Maybe you're not an alcoholic. Maybe you are. You definitely have a 1st Step issue. Be open to it. Consider both sides of the coin. Also be open to God. Maybe there is a God... and maybe not... for you!"

I was given that gift of consideration. I haven't drank booze since.

Sober25

I have heard it said that the only step we can take perfectly is step one and you better make sure you have no doubts about that one. My experience has been that when I had even a tiny little doubt if I really was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable I drank again. My last drunk took away all that doubt. For me, it's not a choice of living drunk or living sober. For me, it's a choice of living or dying.

McGowdog

Hmmm... well that's the difference between me and you.

Booze lead me to wanting to get stopped many many times. Not every time, but many times. So I would stop. I just couldn't stay stopped.

If I could do step 1 100% I wouldn't need God, A.A. or y'all.

Doing Step 1 100% is just another mind game to me. I don't have any doubts about step 1 now, but when I go back through the work again or I pitch a new drunk about my drinking, I go back to the path of consideration. No spiritual exercise starts with an answer. It always starts with a question, or I'll go no further from here.

For me, I keep all the other 11 steps plugged into step 1. I believe that I'm 100 % alcoholic, but I don't want to do this 4th step, or I don't want to make this amend. Oh, well how about a bottle of Jack Daniels?

The only choice I have is God or not God and step 1 is always me... without God.

Can you stay stopped without God? Knowing you're 100% alcoholic? Are you like me?

Mark75

Exactly. And wow, was that scary the first few times through. But now, with some serenity, I see that going back down that path of consideration is indeed a gift.

This was not a gift given in rehab or mandated therapy. Only through the program of AA do I receive it.

Mark

Ribeye

I must have been sober for a year or more before that (seemingly obvious) fact hit me. I knew I was powerless every morning I woke up with that sick head/stomach and the first thoughts in my head of 'not again...sh1t'.

The problem was that I couldn't remember what I so clearly knew in the morning at noon time. 'The peculiar mental twist' they call it, and so it is.....so it is.

Powerlessness over the compulsion/obsession is not my real problem.
My real problem is that I will pick up again when there is no compulsion/obsession active in my mind/body. That's the real deadly nature of the beast for an alcoholic of the 'hopless variety'.

That is why (imho) AA was founded and spread so far so fast.

Kjell

It's a choice of living or dying for me too.

I appreciate all your responses and while I now know more about step 1, I'm still very, very confused.

...but I guess this is why I have a sponor (and the help of SR) and today is only day 19 for me (this time) so I'm assuming it'll come to me with time and work

Thank you again for sharing your experience and wisdom in regards to step 1.

Kjell

McGowdog

I guess I can relate to this one. I couldn't tell you point blank that this happened to me... but other people who saw me come back in say that this was so about me. They say that the last bout of drinking I had did something to me. I would hope that others don't have to be as stubborn as I was.

Sober25

If I had not taken step one 100% I could not stay sober. I had to become totally convinced that I was powerless over alchohol and that my life was unmanageble. That is my experience. I'm not speaking for anyone else.

As for staying sober without God, I suppose since I don't believe in God the answer would be YES, I can and I do. And please, before a lot of well-meaning people feel compelled to give me Big Book quotes about willingness to believe let me tell you I've been there, done that, and I no longer believe in God. I've been in the ministry off and on for over 30 years. I've preached and taught about God in many places, and I do not require inspirational words to lead me in that direction. I respect the beliefs of others and appreciate the same.

Step 1 is an admission of total powerlessness over alcohol and an admission that one's life is unmanageble. I totally and completely admitted that - there was no doubt. Yes, I took step 1 100%.

I suppose, McGowdog, in that respect I'm not like you. Fortunately, AA works for everyone who is willing to work the 12 steps and live by them.

McGowdog

Well that's a good thing. I drank booze in a way that could have killed me of alcohol poisoning on the spot and arose with the thought that I was dry and needed a drink and that didn't keep me from booze.

Doing step 1 100 % didn't work for me, but doing a 4th step and getting on with the rest of the steps did.

I feel special because for over about 25 years I disected and made fun of God and His principles and came to a place where I realized that God was there all along for me and found a way to tap into that Power and use It if done properly.

I think we can spare you the lecture, but this is the 12 Step subforum and many of us have found the 164 to be right on and our experience is all the proof we need and we'd like to share that with those who would like to give it a try.

All I'm saying about step 1 is that it doesn't, in and of itself, keep me sober. I too, had to do the other 11 steps as well. If you can do that without God, you will be an awsome asset to those who don't believe in God as well.

But this being Step 1, I believe that you and I stand on the same ground, our "foundation stone" in this recovery process.