cantgiveup

I am new to this. I am 27 years old, and i am in a relationship with a man who is an alcoholic. He is aware that he has a problem, but feels that he is to broken to be fixed. He has no faith in himself and has even said today that he is killing himself slowly. I don't know what to do, i don't want to give up on him. He has never become violent. He has been without a job for awhile and things spiralled out of control due to that, and him not being able to finish school college for motorcycle mechanics. I don't want to give up on him. Please any advice on what i should or could do. I don't want him to do anything crazy.

kv816

Hi CantGiveUp and welcome to SR!!!

One of the hardest things I had to learn with my xabf is that it didn't matter what I wanted (or didn't want) for him. Nothing I said or did really made any difference (except more often than not I made him angrier). Fact of the matter was, he's an adult and he can and will do whatever he wants to....regardless of how I felt about it.

And I know you're rolling your eyes and snickering at that, telling yourself "this chick is way off and there is a way and I'll find it". Trust me....I did the SAME thing two years ago when I made this exact same first post.

Take some time to read other posts on here. I'm sure others will be along with more helpful thoughts.

Hang in there sweetie!! You're in the right place.

kittykitty

Hi there,

Read the stickies at the top of the forum, (saved threads for reference on relevant topics) and alot of your worst fears will be realized, but that is the first step in this long process. Another great first step is seeing everyone else has gone through the same things you are, the same predicaments, the same thoughts, the same arguments, the same heartbreaks, and learning from their experiences. Coming to realize that there was nothing I could do for my AF, that I am not responsible for his happiness and health no matter what he says, and that all these years trying to "help" him I was actually enabling him to continue "killing himself" (and bringing me down with him). It was a hard pill to swallow, but I did, and I'm already a better person for it.

Welcome to SR, and keep reading, posting, and reading some more!

bookwyrm

I'm so glad you found this forum - there is a lot of wisdom and information here for you. I agree, have a read of the sticky posts at the top of the forum - when I first came here they really made a difference to me. It is scary just how often our situations are copied around the world!

Have you heard of the three C's? You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is hard for partners to realise (it took me forever - I was with STBXAH for 18 years) that their alcoholics have to do it for themselves. No amount of pleading, begging, fighting, shouting, manipulation, tactics etc will make a damn bit of difference to an active alcoholic who is happy to keep on drinking. If it did then this forum just wouldn't exist! They have to reach their own 'bottom' before they decide to get help. You can kill an alcoholic with kindness by cushioning their fall, enabling their drinking to continue and preventing them reaching their bottom. Your ABF doesn't sound like he wants to stop drinking - he's 'too broken to be fixed'. Bearing that in mind, can you accept him for who he is right now? Have a read of this sticky: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html.

I recommend reading Melody Beattie's Co Dependant No More - it was a real eye opener for me. I had no idea just how much I was enabling my STBXAH's drinking over the years. The book gave me some practical advice on how to live with an active alcoholic. My alcoholic was abusive, however, and his behaviour got much worse...