update on me, my son, and the jerk
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
update on me, my son, and the jerk
Just thought I’d share what’s going on with my ex since I had mentioned in another thread that he showed up for my sons swimming lessons the other night. He had called to let me know he was moving back to Montana to be with his family for an indefinite amount of time and he asked if he could come to our son’s swimming lesson. I said sure. His family had already called to wish me a happy thanksgiving and let me know that he was going to Montana for an extended visit. When we were at swimming lessons, he was annoying the heck out of me by saying things like he wanted to be a family and we were going to reconcile someday and other ignorant sweet talk. He kept trying to hold my hand. I told him to knock it off but that behavior softens my heart a little towards him and he knows it. Then he let me know that things were over between him and his latest girlfriend and asked if he could stay with us until 12/16 since that was the day he was moving. Me, being the softie and the sucker that I am, told him that would be fine. So he stayed one night. He slept in my son’s room. The next morning he called out “I love you both and I’ll see you tonight” when I left to go to work and take my son to preschool.
That was yesterday morning. Last night when I got home he wasn’t there. My son wanted to know where Daddy was but I have him pretty indoctrinated with my standard answer of “daddy comes and goes” and your daddy is sick so he doesn’t dwell on his father too long. I texted him asking where he was and he never responded. I called once and he never responded.
And that’s it. Duped again by the SOB.
You know it’s weird because in my mind, I don’t think he’s using. But he exhibits the many of the same behavior as when he was using – disappearing, lying etc. he doesn’t act high but he’s still a selfish inconsiderate jerk. I try not to wonder if he’s using but I can’t help it.
I try to give him the benefit of the doubt but he just makes me feel like an ass every single time I let him in my house. He does this about every 3-6 months. It’s frickin’ annoying. And he still insists that some day we will get back together.
Now I probably won’t hear from him for about 2 months and then he’ll probably pull the same crap again. I don’t know what to do. The custody issues are complicated and expensive to resolve. He pays no child support. He does not work. There are no orders. There is no paperwork in place. I like it this way because I feel in control. I don’t have a judge telling me I need to let him spend time alone with his son. I don’t have to prove anything. However, part of me wonders if it’s working.
Anyway, I just thought I’d share. Christmas is coming and I’m already wondering what to do if my son’s father wants to see him and give him present. Or maybe he won’t call. I just don’t know anymore. I’m perplexed and annoyed. Last night I was P.Oed.
I’ve made miles of progress on my codependency and my ex’s inconsiderate and inconsistent behavior affects me very little. But it still affects me. Mostly because of my son.
I guess I needed to get that out.
I know I need to firm up my boundaries but I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to prevent him from ever seeing his son. I don’t think that’s for the best. But maybe it is. I don’t know.
That was yesterday morning. Last night when I got home he wasn’t there. My son wanted to know where Daddy was but I have him pretty indoctrinated with my standard answer of “daddy comes and goes” and your daddy is sick so he doesn’t dwell on his father too long. I texted him asking where he was and he never responded. I called once and he never responded.
And that’s it. Duped again by the SOB.
You know it’s weird because in my mind, I don’t think he’s using. But he exhibits the many of the same behavior as when he was using – disappearing, lying etc. he doesn’t act high but he’s still a selfish inconsiderate jerk. I try not to wonder if he’s using but I can’t help it.
I try to give him the benefit of the doubt but he just makes me feel like an ass every single time I let him in my house. He does this about every 3-6 months. It’s frickin’ annoying. And he still insists that some day we will get back together.
Now I probably won’t hear from him for about 2 months and then he’ll probably pull the same crap again. I don’t know what to do. The custody issues are complicated and expensive to resolve. He pays no child support. He does not work. There are no orders. There is no paperwork in place. I like it this way because I feel in control. I don’t have a judge telling me I need to let him spend time alone with his son. I don’t have to prove anything. However, part of me wonders if it’s working.
Anyway, I just thought I’d share. Christmas is coming and I’m already wondering what to do if my son’s father wants to see him and give him present. Or maybe he won’t call. I just don’t know anymore. I’m perplexed and annoyed. Last night I was P.Oed.
I’ve made miles of progress on my codependency and my ex’s inconsiderate and inconsistent behavior affects me very little. But it still affects me. Mostly because of my son.
I guess I needed to get that out.
I know I need to firm up my boundaries but I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to prevent him from ever seeing his son. I don’t think that’s for the best. But maybe it is. I don’t know.
Last edited by hello-kitty; 12-03-2009 at 01:52 PM.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sadly, it really is up to you to establish boundaries that protect you and your son emotionally, if not more.
Perhaps, should you want your son to be able to see him, you could meet someplace neutral and not at your home where you are vulnerable to letting him stay.
For a child, I think knowing that "daddy comes and he goes and he's sick" might be pretty hard to swallow. Allowing inconsistency sets up emotional ups and downs for your son, I think, and that's hard for a child to accept.
These are just my thoughts, what you choose to do is entirely up to you. But since this seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time thing, you may want to give serious thought to how you can avoid the upsets in the future.
Hugs
Perhaps, should you want your son to be able to see him, you could meet someplace neutral and not at your home where you are vulnerable to letting him stay.
For a child, I think knowing that "daddy comes and he goes and he's sick" might be pretty hard to swallow. Allowing inconsistency sets up emotional ups and downs for your son, I think, and that's hard for a child to accept.
These are just my thoughts, what you choose to do is entirely up to you. But since this seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time thing, you may want to give serious thought to how you can avoid the upsets in the future.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
After reading your post a thought occurred to me:
If he can go for months at a time with no contact with you or his child, is it really a shame if you choose to give him a time out? Maybe Christmas should be about you and your son...and because you have decided things should be that way, not because he did or didn't call.
It might be the greatest Christmas gift you've ever received. Think about it...no drama, no expectations, no disppointment.
If he can go for months at a time with no contact with you or his child, is it really a shame if you choose to give him a time out? Maybe Christmas should be about you and your son...and because you have decided things should be that way, not because he did or didn't call.
It might be the greatest Christmas gift you've ever received. Think about it...no drama, no expectations, no disppointment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You give an inch and they take a mile you know. Yes it is a pattern. Obviously. I can't believe his behavior still surprises me after all these years.
now i feel like a terrible mom. I just wanted to give him a chance to be the man he always says he is. Obviously he is just a pathological liar.
i wanted my son to have a father, even if his father was less than perfect. for the last 2 years i have allowed him to see his son on my terms. Now I realize my terms are not good enough.
I've been a sucker. I thought that if I monitored the relationship he had with his son, it would be ok. I thought I could allow them to have a relationship if he wasn't using drugs and acting high. Apparently I was wrong. just because he's sober (if he is) doesn't mean he's a decent person.
I suppose i should be grateful he didn't steal anything.
i think my little boy will be ok. I have to believe that. Or else I will just lose it.
now i feel like a terrible mom. I just wanted to give him a chance to be the man he always says he is. Obviously he is just a pathological liar.
i wanted my son to have a father, even if his father was less than perfect. for the last 2 years i have allowed him to see his son on my terms. Now I realize my terms are not good enough.
I've been a sucker. I thought that if I monitored the relationship he had with his son, it would be ok. I thought I could allow them to have a relationship if he wasn't using drugs and acting high. Apparently I was wrong. just because he's sober (if he is) doesn't mean he's a decent person.
I suppose i should be grateful he didn't steal anything.
i think my little boy will be ok. I have to believe that. Or else I will just lose it.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
kitty, been there done that. i think my ah tries to come back around every once in a while quacking, maybe to make sure the door will be opened for him to come back whenever he decides to. i think it was his way of keeping me hanging on, its sad but all of his moving back and forth really did hurt me but i think it hurt and effected my kids just as much.
because my dad passed away when i was very young and i grew up without a dad, for yrs i thought the same thing about wanting my kids to grow up with both parents together so i thought i'd try to stick it out but again, i now think it was a mistake that effected my kids more than if i had gone it alone.i was really doing that anyway. today i feel like he can still be apart of their lives but from the other side of town, if he chooses that is.
i pray that thing work out for the both of you real soon.
because my dad passed away when i was very young and i grew up without a dad, for yrs i thought the same thing about wanting my kids to grow up with both parents together so i thought i'd try to stick it out but again, i now think it was a mistake that effected my kids more than if i had gone it alone.i was really doing that anyway. today i feel like he can still be apart of their lives but from the other side of town, if he chooses that is.
i pray that thing work out for the both of you real soon.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Addicts are selfish and we have a tendency to push the limits and test the waters to see if we can get you to soften up. Once we do then we often feel satisfied because it makes us feel that deep down inside we are the puppet master and know what strings to pull.
It is really sick. (I wonder if she'll take me in and or back) push the limit (can I stay at your place) cross a boundary (and it is instant gratification for the addict)
I'm not sure if I am articulating what I want to say correctly, but I've been there and done that before myself.
Honestly, I can't judge him and say he is using, but I can say it sounds like classic addict behavior.
Hugs to you and your son,
Passion
It is really sick. (I wonder if she'll take me in and or back) push the limit (can I stay at your place) cross a boundary (and it is instant gratification for the addict)
I'm not sure if I am articulating what I want to say correctly, but I've been there and done that before myself.
Honestly, I can't judge him and say he is using, but I can say it sounds like classic addict behavior.
Hugs to you and your son,
Passion
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
I've been a sucker. I thought that if I monitored the relationship he had with his son, it would be ok. I thought I could allow them to have a relationship if he wasn't using drugs and acting high. Apparently I was wrong. just because he's sober (if he is) doesn't mean he's a decent person.
When we know better, we do better...that's what someone told me early in my recovery when I just felt helpless and hopeless. They were right.
We're walking with you here, just keep doing what you feel is the right thing and you'll be okay.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
aaawwww Kitty...
My heart goes out to you.
I understand the 'i'm a terrible mom' feeling. I felt that way many times during this journey. I wanted to maintain contact and a relationship between my exah and our son because I wanted SO BADLY for my son to have the father I thought my ex was capable of being. I bent my boundaries and put myself (and subsequently, my son) in harms way emotionally. And when my ex failed to deliver on each empty promise, I felt so bad...not for me...but for our son.
I could accept the disappointment and hurt for myself but not for my son and to think I set him up for the disappointment and hurt was just too much to bear.
But as someone here reminded me, I did what I did out of love for my son. My intentions were pure but as we all know, hope and good intentions aren't effective tools against addiction. Please don't beat yourself up. Your recovery is a process...take a look at how far you've come in the last few years and hold your head high because you've taken so many steps to free yourself and your son from the day to day drama and chaos of addiction. This latest disappointment was just a blip in the road...maybe meant to reinforce for yourself that you're doing the right thing...Let it be a learning lesson and move on with love in your heart. You're a GREAT mom...you ARE doing the right thing and making big progress...and your son is so lucky to have a mom who's willing to do all that you've done to provide him with a loving, safe, and secure home.
Big old mom hugs coming your way.....
My heart goes out to you.
I understand the 'i'm a terrible mom' feeling. I felt that way many times during this journey. I wanted to maintain contact and a relationship between my exah and our son because I wanted SO BADLY for my son to have the father I thought my ex was capable of being. I bent my boundaries and put myself (and subsequently, my son) in harms way emotionally. And when my ex failed to deliver on each empty promise, I felt so bad...not for me...but for our son.
I could accept the disappointment and hurt for myself but not for my son and to think I set him up for the disappointment and hurt was just too much to bear.
But as someone here reminded me, I did what I did out of love for my son. My intentions were pure but as we all know, hope and good intentions aren't effective tools against addiction. Please don't beat yourself up. Your recovery is a process...take a look at how far you've come in the last few years and hold your head high because you've taken so many steps to free yourself and your son from the day to day drama and chaos of addiction. This latest disappointment was just a blip in the road...maybe meant to reinforce for yourself that you're doing the right thing...Let it be a learning lesson and move on with love in your heart. You're a GREAT mom...you ARE doing the right thing and making big progress...and your son is so lucky to have a mom who's willing to do all that you've done to provide him with a loving, safe, and secure home.
Big old mom hugs coming your way.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Perhaps, should you want your son to be able to see him, you could meet someplace neutral and not at your home where you are vulnerable to letting him stay.
I then decided to go with all visits outside of the home. McDonalds and the park became a few good place to have the visits. Son adjusted to this easier, and the good-byes were easier. He now has limited unsupervised visits with son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Thanks everyone. I still can't believe I fell for it again. It's like I come here and I say things like "you can't trust an addict" and "keep firm boundaries" and so on and so forth. But it only goes to show that, at least for me, trusting people and wanting to make a difference in the world is a personal trait and it's counterintuitive NOT to do those things. And I don't think it's a personality flaw... except when it comes to bad people like my sons father. There is more going on with him than just addiction. He is a true sociopath. He's a sick man - a narcissist.
And he is the father of my child! Oh man I am freaking out that my kid is going to inherit that from him. I just don't know what to do about that.
Take it one day at a time I suppose.
So just to finish out the story (because I have to share it somewhere or I'll go nuts), his brother in law called me last night to update me about the move to Montana. I told him what happened and that D was no longer welcome in my house so he'd have to make other arrangements if he needed a place to stay. Apparently D went back over to the psycho girlfriends house that he told me he was no longer with. Great! He can stay with her until he moves, if he moves. I wish he'd move... His brother in law told me what he did was a control thing, a game, just like what nytepassion said. He said he understood my position about letting him in our house and that the ticket to Montana would be one way. He said if D ever wanted to leave Montana, he'd have to find a job and pay for it himself.
The crazy thing is that I vaguely remember going through this with him last year... the trip to Montana lasted 2 months and then he moved in with the psycho in Seattle. Ahhh.... I see patterns again....
McDonalds and the park is a great idea for visits in the future. Way way way in the future.
Thanks for letting me vent and work through this here.
And he is the father of my child! Oh man I am freaking out that my kid is going to inherit that from him. I just don't know what to do about that.
Take it one day at a time I suppose.
So just to finish out the story (because I have to share it somewhere or I'll go nuts), his brother in law called me last night to update me about the move to Montana. I told him what happened and that D was no longer welcome in my house so he'd have to make other arrangements if he needed a place to stay. Apparently D went back over to the psycho girlfriends house that he told me he was no longer with. Great! He can stay with her until he moves, if he moves. I wish he'd move... His brother in law told me what he did was a control thing, a game, just like what nytepassion said. He said he understood my position about letting him in our house and that the ticket to Montana would be one way. He said if D ever wanted to leave Montana, he'd have to find a job and pay for it himself.
The crazy thing is that I vaguely remember going through this with him last year... the trip to Montana lasted 2 months and then he moved in with the psycho in Seattle. Ahhh.... I see patterns again....
McDonalds and the park is a great idea for visits in the future. Way way way in the future.
Thanks for letting me vent and work through this here.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Kitty, don't beat yourself up. It's not healthy for anyone. You don't want to end up a bitter, ridgid codie with walls so high up that nobody can penetrate. You have a heart, a soul and a conscience and he got to it. Now you know, now you see a pattern and now you can make appropriate decisions for the future. I agree with the others that maybe you should think about Christmas WITHOUT the drama.
Hugs to you and your sweet ds.
Hugs to you and your sweet ds.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I caught a part of Oprah, last night. Dr. Phil was also there. The story line was about an adult woman whose father is in prison for life, for brutally murdering 8 women.
The woman decided that her husband and children needed to establish a relationship with her dad so that her her children could get to know their grandfather and vice-versa.
Dr. Phil said something meaningful.....the killer sacraficed that right and role and deserves absolutely nothing. She tried to rationalize this and said something along the lines of wanting a traditional family. In other words, it became obvious to everyone, that this was all about her need to maintain some semblance of a relationship with this evil man who happened to be her bio father.
The bio father of your son does not contribute to his son's welfare from a financial or emotional standpoint. Instead, he weasels his way into your home, when he needs a place to sleep, one night, which has nothing to do with his concern for you or your son. Then poof....he's gone, again. My heart aches at the thought of you trying to follow up with him/about him.
What good can contact like this, do for your son?
Your son is so very young and cannot possibly process the situation. On some level, he might feel he is not good enough to have a dad because that's how children often react to things, far beyond their control. I would be far more concerned about this, than any biological thing that could impact him, down the road.
For your son's sake, can you give up your own fantasy and restore your boundaries?
I have no personal experience with bio fathers who are incapable of love. I would seek professional counseling to help frame the situation ....to help ensure that the child understands that he is worthy of love.
I admire your maturity to see this situation as it is, opposed to how you want it to be. Your own recovery is glowing, today. Peace.
The woman decided that her husband and children needed to establish a relationship with her dad so that her her children could get to know their grandfather and vice-versa.
Dr. Phil said something meaningful.....the killer sacraficed that right and role and deserves absolutely nothing. She tried to rationalize this and said something along the lines of wanting a traditional family. In other words, it became obvious to everyone, that this was all about her need to maintain some semblance of a relationship with this evil man who happened to be her bio father.
The bio father of your son does not contribute to his son's welfare from a financial or emotional standpoint. Instead, he weasels his way into your home, when he needs a place to sleep, one night, which has nothing to do with his concern for you or your son. Then poof....he's gone, again. My heart aches at the thought of you trying to follow up with him/about him.
What good can contact like this, do for your son?
Your son is so very young and cannot possibly process the situation. On some level, he might feel he is not good enough to have a dad because that's how children often react to things, far beyond their control. I would be far more concerned about this, than any biological thing that could impact him, down the road.
For your son's sake, can you give up your own fantasy and restore your boundaries?
I have no personal experience with bio fathers who are incapable of love. I would seek professional counseling to help frame the situation ....to help ensure that the child understands that he is worthy of love.
I admire your maturity to see this situation as it is, opposed to how you want it to be. Your own recovery is glowing, today. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Hey!
It always surprises me that you are going thru all of this, but then again - it just shows that nobody is bullet proof. We always want to give the benefit of the doubt... that hope is always right there!!!!
However, what I think is that your tolerance with each episode gets way less! You also are so aware of yourself that you know your tolerance and not to totally push it!
I think your son is okay. This is what he knows and he has YOU as an AWESOME PARENT!!!!
I say cheers to having peaceful and sane and serene holidays!!! :-)
Peace xoxoxo
It always surprises me that you are going thru all of this, but then again - it just shows that nobody is bullet proof. We always want to give the benefit of the doubt... that hope is always right there!!!!
However, what I think is that your tolerance with each episode gets way less! You also are so aware of yourself that you know your tolerance and not to totally push it!
I think your son is okay. This is what he knows and he has YOU as an AWESOME PARENT!!!!
I say cheers to having peaceful and sane and serene holidays!!! :-)
Peace xoxoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hey abs. Thanks for posting. Nope. We are not bullet proof. I am not bullet proof. We are humans. I am human. Addiction is not human. It's more like we are dealing with those zombies from the 1960s movie, "night of the living dead". They just keep coming back and they can't be trusted.
Once a zombie, always a zombie.
He called and left me a message today, telling me that it was a misunderstanding and asking if he could take me and our son to a movie tonight. I didn't respond. I mean. What could I have possible said to him. I'm going to wait until his son asks if he can call his dad or something. Then I'll figure out what to do. Right now I've put myself in the no contact zone. It's uncomfortable but something tells me it's the right place for me to be right now.
Once a zombie, always a zombie.
He called and left me a message today, telling me that it was a misunderstanding and asking if he could take me and our son to a movie tonight. I didn't respond. I mean. What could I have possible said to him. I'm going to wait until his son asks if he can call his dad or something. Then I'll figure out what to do. Right now I've put myself in the no contact zone. It's uncomfortable but something tells me it's the right place for me to be right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
That's just it..... ALWAYS having to say "I'm sorry!" And then a rattle off of excuses.
My *x* tells me it always has to be on my time or how I want it. Well - right now... XYZ is how I want it!!! I'd rather spend a night in on my own than a movie with him too... if I was you. I wouldn't have the energy to deal with it. Been doing it too many times. I never thought I was going to get to that place. And it happened.
Are you putting up Christmas decorations? I'm going to try and get mine done this weekend.
My *x* tells me it always has to be on my time or how I want it. Well - right now... XYZ is how I want it!!! I'd rather spend a night in on my own than a movie with him too... if I was you. I wouldn't have the energy to deal with it. Been doing it too many times. I never thought I was going to get to that place. And it happened.
Are you putting up Christmas decorations? I'm going to try and get mine done this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wow....the father of your son sounds exactly like my AS.
I watch these same scenarios play out with him, his son and his xgf (his son's mother). It breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do about it.....except.....I support my grandson's mother (xgf) fully in any and all decisions she makes regarding her son. She is the stable parent to him, my AS is not. And I realize how very lucky I am that she allows me to be a part of my grandson's life.
You sound like a wonderful mother and a kind person. You deserve a good, strong partner in life to help you raise your child and face life's challenges with.
gentle hugs
I watch these same scenarios play out with him, his son and his xgf (his son's mother). It breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do about it.....except.....I support my grandson's mother (xgf) fully in any and all decisions she makes regarding her son. She is the stable parent to him, my AS is not. And I realize how very lucky I am that she allows me to be a part of my grandson's life.
You sound like a wonderful mother and a kind person. You deserve a good, strong partner in life to help you raise your child and face life's challenges with.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Hey Kitty. Sorry you're going through this but glad you posted as I've learned alot from your thread. Staying in no contact land is a good place to be.
I find I still have expectations there, though. I had to contact the ex about an ins ck matter. It has both our names on the ck, and since he's not on my bank acct., he has to be present to cash it. (A tree had fell on the house and I need the $ to pay the tree guy.) He thought I was calling about his new add which he had already sent me through my daughter,and he started the conversation off with I already sent you the address, maybe I should just run off the road and hit a tree and kill myself, is that what you want? I said "Well I actually need something else today..." Offered him $20 to meet me at the bank to sign...
Anyway, expectations of him being reasonable were silly on my part. But it was another learning lesson... just like said above, your tolerance does go down with each episode.
You're getting there. Remember, recovery is a process not an instant happening.
(((HUGS)))
I find I still have expectations there, though. I had to contact the ex about an ins ck matter. It has both our names on the ck, and since he's not on my bank acct., he has to be present to cash it. (A tree had fell on the house and I need the $ to pay the tree guy.) He thought I was calling about his new add which he had already sent me through my daughter,and he started the conversation off with I already sent you the address, maybe I should just run off the road and hit a tree and kill myself, is that what you want? I said "Well I actually need something else today..." Offered him $20 to meet me at the bank to sign...
Anyway, expectations of him being reasonable were silly on my part. But it was another learning lesson... just like said above, your tolerance does go down with each episode.
You're getting there. Remember, recovery is a process not an instant happening.
(((HUGS)))
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