very upset: full on melt-down
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very upset: full on melt-down
I am really upset, really really hurt. I have known my best friend since we were 13, 25 years.
I told her on saturday that I had made the decision to divorce him, she knows he is an alcoholic, I have told her some of what has gone on. not the worst of it, but some. But she knows about the constant accusations (totally unfounded) of affairs, she knows that he passes out all the time, that I can't leave the children with him, that he brought a man back to our house who got into my son's bed and that he is still friends with him, she has seen some of the aggression, she knows that he thinks that I should be evicted out of the house without a penny of the property.
They haven't spoken for YEARS, he never wanted to visit her and when we went on holiday he spent the majority of the time complaining about her.
I tell her I am pursuing a divorce and that day she and another one of my long-term female friends reach out to him and befriends him on facebook: wtf? I am so upset, I don't expect people to choose between us, I have made my peace that his family and friends will likely cut me out, as he truley believes some staggering lies about me, and tells people this bs (e.g. last week he was fully convinced that I was sacked from my last job, I have never been let go in my life, I changed fields to get a permanent job, with better hours and a payrise): . I don't expect her to cut him dead in the street, although as they live 200 miles apart that isn't going to happen, he isn't alone, he isn't in need of more people listening to his crap and she doesn't know the worst stuff, but knowing what she does why the hell is she reaching out to him?
I know that some of this hurt is unjustified, she doesn't know all of it, and I have done a damn good job of hiding and defending the worst of it, I know some of this is about my fear of not being believed if I ever tell anyone the worst stuff. I know some of this is about my self-esteem issues. But even given all of that I do feel hurt, I feel betrayed, not listened too, I feel that she is validating him, and his actions and in comparison, invalidating my choices.
I'm too upset to talk to her about it I don't understand it at all. I'm not going around searching out her exes, she isn't in contact with other friends exes, I have a hard time with conflict, I have a hard time telling people what I need or that I am upset with them (in a calm rational way). I feel very raw and lonely right now. I know I am over-reacting, I know this is only facebook, but I am very, very upset, and I don't know what to do about it. I hesitate to post this really raw stuff because I know he reads my posts from time to time, and is certainly not above using my weak spots to hurt me, but I don't know where else to take this.
I told her on saturday that I had made the decision to divorce him, she knows he is an alcoholic, I have told her some of what has gone on. not the worst of it, but some. But she knows about the constant accusations (totally unfounded) of affairs, she knows that he passes out all the time, that I can't leave the children with him, that he brought a man back to our house who got into my son's bed and that he is still friends with him, she has seen some of the aggression, she knows that he thinks that I should be evicted out of the house without a penny of the property.
They haven't spoken for YEARS, he never wanted to visit her and when we went on holiday he spent the majority of the time complaining about her.
I tell her I am pursuing a divorce and that day she and another one of my long-term female friends reach out to him and befriends him on facebook: wtf? I am so upset, I don't expect people to choose between us, I have made my peace that his family and friends will likely cut me out, as he truley believes some staggering lies about me, and tells people this bs (e.g. last week he was fully convinced that I was sacked from my last job, I have never been let go in my life, I changed fields to get a permanent job, with better hours and a payrise): . I don't expect her to cut him dead in the street, although as they live 200 miles apart that isn't going to happen, he isn't alone, he isn't in need of more people listening to his crap and she doesn't know the worst stuff, but knowing what she does why the hell is she reaching out to him?
I know that some of this hurt is unjustified, she doesn't know all of it, and I have done a damn good job of hiding and defending the worst of it, I know some of this is about my fear of not being believed if I ever tell anyone the worst stuff. I know some of this is about my self-esteem issues. But even given all of that I do feel hurt, I feel betrayed, not listened too, I feel that she is validating him, and his actions and in comparison, invalidating my choices.
I'm too upset to talk to her about it I don't understand it at all. I'm not going around searching out her exes, she isn't in contact with other friends exes, I have a hard time with conflict, I have a hard time telling people what I need or that I am upset with them (in a calm rational way). I feel very raw and lonely right now. I know I am over-reacting, I know this is only facebook, but I am very, very upset, and I don't know what to do about it. I hesitate to post this really raw stuff because I know he reads my posts from time to time, and is certainly not above using my weak spots to hurt me, but I don't know where else to take this.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
Yikes. Sorry you are having to deal with that. I don't think you're overreacting. I'd be livid.
This is not your best friend. Old friend does not necessarily equate to good (or best) friend.
Divorce sucks and is hard on everyone involved- friends, family, and especially the two people separating. The last thing you expect is for a friend to do this to you... even if it's innocent she should know how it looks in your eyes and how it would make you feel.
Sounds like there's some alterior motive on her part... or maybe she's just one of those gossipy people who likes to be involved with all parts of a drama.
You've got bigger things to worry about than her. Take a deep breath, defriend her on facebook, and move on without her. Or give her a chance to explain why she did it once you've cooled off- maybe there will be a decent explanation. It is hard to write off someone you've known that long. Sorry to hear about your troubles.
This is not your best friend. Old friend does not necessarily equate to good (or best) friend.
Divorce sucks and is hard on everyone involved- friends, family, and especially the two people separating. The last thing you expect is for a friend to do this to you... even if it's innocent she should know how it looks in your eyes and how it would make you feel.
Sounds like there's some alterior motive on her part... or maybe she's just one of those gossipy people who likes to be involved with all parts of a drama.
You've got bigger things to worry about than her. Take a deep breath, defriend her on facebook, and move on without her. Or give her a chance to explain why she did it once you've cooled off- maybe there will be a decent explanation. It is hard to write off someone you've known that long. Sorry to hear about your troubles.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have a hard time with conflict, I have a hard time telling people what I need or that I am upset with them (in a calm rational way).
Well maybe you can practice the "new you" with this incident!
I know, for me, when I have been blindsided and stress hormones are just racing through my body it is not the time to plot or lash out because it is too hard to think rationally.
In 48hrs or so when I cool down, then I can make a little plan. If it is important to you to let your firiend know how you feel about what she did, important to let her know how it made you feel, then plan some simple and non-confrontational "I" statements.
"I really felt like I'd had a blow to the stomach when I saw you had facebook friended AH! Maybe I am overeacting but it really hurt my feelings. I'm quite vulnerable right now."
And just leave it at that. I'm sure she'll have something to say. And if she is a true friend (which is not decided by how many years you have known each other btw - but by behavior in the "now"- just like with everybody else!) she will want you two to figure this out and deal with it maturely.
Who knows, maybe he friend requested her and she felt awkward. You won't know until you ask and I think a big part of my recovery is finding ways to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean!"
Practice calm and rational and you'll get better at it!
Meanwhile - YUK!!! Find something peaceful and distracting to do until your nerves settle. I can't stand facebook! It's like high school!!
hang in there jen--
peace-
b
Well maybe you can practice the "new you" with this incident!
I know, for me, when I have been blindsided and stress hormones are just racing through my body it is not the time to plot or lash out because it is too hard to think rationally.
In 48hrs or so when I cool down, then I can make a little plan. If it is important to you to let your firiend know how you feel about what she did, important to let her know how it made you feel, then plan some simple and non-confrontational "I" statements.
"I really felt like I'd had a blow to the stomach when I saw you had facebook friended AH! Maybe I am overeacting but it really hurt my feelings. I'm quite vulnerable right now."
And just leave it at that. I'm sure she'll have something to say. And if she is a true friend (which is not decided by how many years you have known each other btw - but by behavior in the "now"- just like with everybody else!) she will want you two to figure this out and deal with it maturely.
Who knows, maybe he friend requested her and she felt awkward. You won't know until you ask and I think a big part of my recovery is finding ways to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean!"
Practice calm and rational and you'll get better at it!
Meanwhile - YUK!!! Find something peaceful and distracting to do until your nerves settle. I can't stand facebook! It's like high school!!
hang in there jen--
peace-
b
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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My only thought when I read your post was..."is something going on between the friend and the X"?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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I"m sorry you're so upset. I know how it feels. I hope you can get to a peaceful place instead of throwing stuff in the yard--which is what I used to be inclined to do. Not good. Not at all.
Are you sure THEY asked to be friends and not your A?
Are you sure THEY asked to be friends and not your A?
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
Are you sure THEY asked to be friends and not your A?
thanks all, I've climbed down somewhat now
and my floor is cleaner that it was.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You are using a tremendous tool for handling crisis - support from an objective source.
You instinctively sought out some rational thinking to bring down your anxiety level.
Your recovery is showing
I'm so glad you are calming down a bit. I am not in any way diminishing the hurt that finding out your friend is in contact with your soon to be xAH and right after you discussed your intent to divorce him. It must have appeared as though she was jumping up to snatch him up at the first sign he could be available. DOUBLE YUK!
Now that you are looking through less tearful eyes can you see another way this may have happened?
Could he be looking to contact her to isolate you? By feeding her lies, he could push her away from you. That's a possibility.
or could she be considering some covert keeping of tabs on him thinking she might get info for you to use in the divorce? Just a thought.
I think in time this will come out. Either you will feel more comfortable bringing it up or she will bring it up, or AH will bring it up. OR you will find she is not the friend you thought she was and you will continue the process of detaching from the toxic people in your life. In any case, you can remain healthy and focused on your recovery by letting this be as it is and let you HP bring further details to light down the line.
Well wishes to you!
Alice
You instinctively sought out some rational thinking to bring down your anxiety level.
Your recovery is showing
I'm so glad you are calming down a bit. I am not in any way diminishing the hurt that finding out your friend is in contact with your soon to be xAH and right after you discussed your intent to divorce him. It must have appeared as though she was jumping up to snatch him up at the first sign he could be available. DOUBLE YUK!
Now that you are looking through less tearful eyes can you see another way this may have happened?
Could he be looking to contact her to isolate you? By feeding her lies, he could push her away from you. That's a possibility.
or could she be considering some covert keeping of tabs on him thinking she might get info for you to use in the divorce? Just a thought.
I think in time this will come out. Either you will feel more comfortable bringing it up or she will bring it up, or AH will bring it up. OR you will find she is not the friend you thought she was and you will continue the process of detaching from the toxic people in your life. In any case, you can remain healthy and focused on your recovery by letting this be as it is and let you HP bring further details to light down the line.
Well wishes to you!
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
JenT, I totally understand how you feel, and I think you have every right to feel what you feel, and I think everyone gave really good responses and some possible insight.
My XA and I went to high school together, and got back in touch after 14 years. We have several mutual friends from highschool on facebook. One of mine was not on his friends list, and I had been in communication with her for a little while, and she knew the place I was at with him for a time.....
well, when he decided to go back to his ex wife, and I began my descent into my emotional rockbottom, I met up with her after YEARS of not seeing her, and filled her in, told her how hurt I was, how he treated me....
That week she requested him on facebook. I was SO hurt. And as unconfrontational as I am, I simply wrote her and presented my "concern" about that as that he will just think i'm asking people to request him to get info. (Because that is something he would think). She just said that she would never tell him anything.
Which I do believe. And I know they don't talk, he doesn't really talk to anyone that I talk to now that he's back in with his toxic crowd.
But the fact that she chose that time to request him, when she could have done it a year ago....REALLY PISSED ME OFF.
And she's a relationship therapist! You would think she would understand how that may make someone feel!
Anyway, I have very little trust for her anymore, and I don't really want to share how I am feeling in my life with her.
You can change privacy settings and create a separate groups of friends that cannot see everything on your page, no status's, no picture albums...etc.... she is in that group.
Without having an arguement over it, I have just simply chosen to remove her from seeing EVERYTHING that is going on in my life. Because though I feel she was inconsiderate, I do realize that my reaction to it is my problem, and not hers. I never considered her a best friend.
I can certainly appreciate how yours a little more personal though. Reading your story just triggered my memory of this....... ah, facebook! I think it's great how you came here and vented though. I have told myself that should I ever receive a call or text from my A I am coming here first and posting before responding!!
My XA and I went to high school together, and got back in touch after 14 years. We have several mutual friends from highschool on facebook. One of mine was not on his friends list, and I had been in communication with her for a little while, and she knew the place I was at with him for a time.....
well, when he decided to go back to his ex wife, and I began my descent into my emotional rockbottom, I met up with her after YEARS of not seeing her, and filled her in, told her how hurt I was, how he treated me....
That week she requested him on facebook. I was SO hurt. And as unconfrontational as I am, I simply wrote her and presented my "concern" about that as that he will just think i'm asking people to request him to get info. (Because that is something he would think). She just said that she would never tell him anything.
Which I do believe. And I know they don't talk, he doesn't really talk to anyone that I talk to now that he's back in with his toxic crowd.
But the fact that she chose that time to request him, when she could have done it a year ago....REALLY PISSED ME OFF.
And she's a relationship therapist! You would think she would understand how that may make someone feel!
Anyway, I have very little trust for her anymore, and I don't really want to share how I am feeling in my life with her.
You can change privacy settings and create a separate groups of friends that cannot see everything on your page, no status's, no picture albums...etc.... she is in that group.
Without having an arguement over it, I have just simply chosen to remove her from seeing EVERYTHING that is going on in my life. Because though I feel she was inconsiderate, I do realize that my reaction to it is my problem, and not hers. I never considered her a best friend.
I can certainly appreciate how yours a little more personal though. Reading your story just triggered my memory of this....... ah, facebook! I think it's great how you came here and vented though. I have told myself that should I ever receive a call or text from my A I am coming here first and posting before responding!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Jen, today an old friend arrived to my job and I was quite happy to see him as we got similar tastes.... well just now I saw him from afar laughing his a$$ off with XABF... I feel SO ANGRY with myself for STILL not being indifferent... the solution? not to talk to this guy much anymore... sorry... anything now, even that little non eventful sight hurts... everything hurts. So sorry but I will look for friends and company elsewhere.. at least for now.
I stopped using Facebook. This has allowed some healing. Also, I have some friends I added just because I wanted to share some old school electronic music videos they got. Perhaps it was something similar just bad timing. It doesn't have to be all about YOU.
It is difficult to separate friendships, some people can.. as my pain was and sometimes is still too much... sorry.. I go for friends that have NO triggers at all... or I choose being alone.
Facebook causes a lot of unnecessary pain. Can you avoid it for a while?
I stopped using Facebook. This has allowed some healing. Also, I have some friends I added just because I wanted to share some old school electronic music videos they got. Perhaps it was something similar just bad timing. It doesn't have to be all about YOU.
It is difficult to separate friendships, some people can.. as my pain was and sometimes is still too much... sorry.. I go for friends that have NO triggers at all... or I choose being alone.
Facebook causes a lot of unnecessary pain. Can you avoid it for a while?
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