Struggling with boundaries...with no contact...just struggling
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Struggling with boundaries...with no contact...just struggling
My ExAH got his 4th DUI a few weeks ago. I had to get the car (still titled to me) out of the tow lot, and it's been sitting in my condo parking lot ever since. ExAH lives about 60 miles away, out in the country, near his sister. He's not working, has no car, is sober because he has no car, and is awaiting his court date at the end of Dec. He is, I don't want to say atypical of the normal advanced alcoholic, because i'm sure there are some that follow this pattern too, but he is incredibly aware of the certainty that he's an alcoholic, and that it's caused incredible destruction in his life. He's not in denial that there's a problem.
Instead, what he is at this point in time is obsessed with the problems he's caused himself and the consequences he will probably face. He calls me 10 times a day. He emails me even more. Most of his emails are very sad, some are even insightful. He tells me how he knows he has underlying mental problems too that he's been trying to self-medicate his way through. I was hopeful for a while that this latest DUI and what it would mean would be his "rock bottom" and would spurn him on to help. Instead, he says that the thought of losing his license for 10 years, which is the most likely outcome, has made him feel that he's messed up his life beyond repair, so that all he can do is sit and worry and obsess about how he won't be able to work, how he'll be homeless, how he knows he's lost me forever, how he won't be able to see his daughter like he wants to, etc. He's pushed most of his family away with his continued relapses. He will soon run out of the money he got in our divorce settlement--like in the next few months.
I still take his calls, for two reasons. One, it's in our divorce decree that I provide telephone access to our daughter, and he likes to tell her goodnight--as she is 5, that really won't happen without me taking a call. Two, I feel like it's too harsh for me to never be an ear for him when he tries to talk through the worry and anxiety he's feeling and tries to get a handle on what he could do to survive in the future. Other than talking to me for 20 minutes or so, and talking to his sister for 20 minutes or so, he does nothing but sit in an isolated apartment in the country with no method of transportation and no one to talk to. I do not take the vast majority of his calls, and sometimes do let a day or two go by without calling back, but my typical pattern is to call him back once at night, let him talk to dd, and talk to him myself for about 20 min.
I'm in a new relationship, and have been for the last 7 months. I'm happy in the relationship--my bf is very supportive and tries to help me deal with my problems in constructive ways, although I normally do not bring up much of the XAH drama with him as I feel that's unfair to him. That's not to say it never gets brought up, just that I try to be aware of his feelings too and not just unload on him every time XAH has me tied up in knots. But...XAH has me tied up in knots a lot, still. I still feel such pity for him, and I hate, just hate to hear him so worked up, upset, and hopeless. I'm starting to lose hope that he'll EVER have a wake-up call big enough for him to change his life, and frankly, the more I hear him talk about how hopeless the situation is, the more I start to believe that myself, and the harder it is for me to tell him what he should do to "fix his life" or "find recovery" because I feel like someone so down in the dumps, so convinced of his own powerlessness, is never going to be able to pull off the massive sea change fixing his life would take.
I just have this existential dread, still, like maybe I helped contribute to what seems to be his rapid demise by leaving him, and then getting into a new relationship, therefore making me incapable of promising him that if he was in recovery, there would be hope for us in the future. In some ways, I'm grateful that I no longer feel that promising him that would be an option, because I don't think that would be what was best for me, but I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't in a relationship, I probably would promise him that in the hopes that it would make a difference with his choices. And you know what? Temporarily, I believe it would. I believe if I was still with him he would be handling this better because he would know that he could still depend on me to get him where he needed to go (transportation wise) and he would feel that glimmer of hope that things might work out in his life that seems to have left him now. And the guilt of that is mind-crushing to me. I do know, rationally, that the change that might have come around were I still with him would be temporary, and he would slip back into feeling comfortable, and nothing would change, and he would more than likely find some new terrible consequence down the line. But in my heart, it hurts to feel that I could do something to help ease this troubling time for him but I'm doing nothing.
And I no longer believe that doing nothing is going to help him fix himself, because I no longer believe he is CAPABLE of fixing himself. So then what? I just watch this very smart man who does have a good heart in a lot of ways become homeless and then die? I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I take him back? Can't do that--I have a daughter to think about, he's been abusive, my family and friends would think me a fool and I would have to break up the best relationship of my life to be free to do so. (Because even though I truly hate the timing of it, I truly feel that my bf is a very healthy, loving individual and I have been so happy to find that I have the capacity to be attracted to someone who is NOT messed up and who is genuinely great and caring towards me). I go no contact? I honestly don't think I can do that right now. I feel like the guilt would eat at me so much that I wouldn't be able to function. I'm acting like him right now, and I get that rationally--I'm saying why all of my choices suck and I'm the ultimate victim. But sometimes I just wanna say "Wah! My choices all suck and I'm the ultimate victim! This pain will never end, and there's nothing I can do to change it!"
I should mention that I'm in AA and therapy. Haven't really gone to Al-Anon recently, but they're the same 12 steps as AA, which I have been working with a sponsor, and she knows all about my relationship with XAH and will sometimes tailor the steps to my codie addiction as well as my alcohol addiction. So if all of these healthy steps aren't helping, what's left?
Instead, what he is at this point in time is obsessed with the problems he's caused himself and the consequences he will probably face. He calls me 10 times a day. He emails me even more. Most of his emails are very sad, some are even insightful. He tells me how he knows he has underlying mental problems too that he's been trying to self-medicate his way through. I was hopeful for a while that this latest DUI and what it would mean would be his "rock bottom" and would spurn him on to help. Instead, he says that the thought of losing his license for 10 years, which is the most likely outcome, has made him feel that he's messed up his life beyond repair, so that all he can do is sit and worry and obsess about how he won't be able to work, how he'll be homeless, how he knows he's lost me forever, how he won't be able to see his daughter like he wants to, etc. He's pushed most of his family away with his continued relapses. He will soon run out of the money he got in our divorce settlement--like in the next few months.
I still take his calls, for two reasons. One, it's in our divorce decree that I provide telephone access to our daughter, and he likes to tell her goodnight--as she is 5, that really won't happen without me taking a call. Two, I feel like it's too harsh for me to never be an ear for him when he tries to talk through the worry and anxiety he's feeling and tries to get a handle on what he could do to survive in the future. Other than talking to me for 20 minutes or so, and talking to his sister for 20 minutes or so, he does nothing but sit in an isolated apartment in the country with no method of transportation and no one to talk to. I do not take the vast majority of his calls, and sometimes do let a day or two go by without calling back, but my typical pattern is to call him back once at night, let him talk to dd, and talk to him myself for about 20 min.
I'm in a new relationship, and have been for the last 7 months. I'm happy in the relationship--my bf is very supportive and tries to help me deal with my problems in constructive ways, although I normally do not bring up much of the XAH drama with him as I feel that's unfair to him. That's not to say it never gets brought up, just that I try to be aware of his feelings too and not just unload on him every time XAH has me tied up in knots. But...XAH has me tied up in knots a lot, still. I still feel such pity for him, and I hate, just hate to hear him so worked up, upset, and hopeless. I'm starting to lose hope that he'll EVER have a wake-up call big enough for him to change his life, and frankly, the more I hear him talk about how hopeless the situation is, the more I start to believe that myself, and the harder it is for me to tell him what he should do to "fix his life" or "find recovery" because I feel like someone so down in the dumps, so convinced of his own powerlessness, is never going to be able to pull off the massive sea change fixing his life would take.
I just have this existential dread, still, like maybe I helped contribute to what seems to be his rapid demise by leaving him, and then getting into a new relationship, therefore making me incapable of promising him that if he was in recovery, there would be hope for us in the future. In some ways, I'm grateful that I no longer feel that promising him that would be an option, because I don't think that would be what was best for me, but I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't in a relationship, I probably would promise him that in the hopes that it would make a difference with his choices. And you know what? Temporarily, I believe it would. I believe if I was still with him he would be handling this better because he would know that he could still depend on me to get him where he needed to go (transportation wise) and he would feel that glimmer of hope that things might work out in his life that seems to have left him now. And the guilt of that is mind-crushing to me. I do know, rationally, that the change that might have come around were I still with him would be temporary, and he would slip back into feeling comfortable, and nothing would change, and he would more than likely find some new terrible consequence down the line. But in my heart, it hurts to feel that I could do something to help ease this troubling time for him but I'm doing nothing.
And I no longer believe that doing nothing is going to help him fix himself, because I no longer believe he is CAPABLE of fixing himself. So then what? I just watch this very smart man who does have a good heart in a lot of ways become homeless and then die? I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I take him back? Can't do that--I have a daughter to think about, he's been abusive, my family and friends would think me a fool and I would have to break up the best relationship of my life to be free to do so. (Because even though I truly hate the timing of it, I truly feel that my bf is a very healthy, loving individual and I have been so happy to find that I have the capacity to be attracted to someone who is NOT messed up and who is genuinely great and caring towards me). I go no contact? I honestly don't think I can do that right now. I feel like the guilt would eat at me so much that I wouldn't be able to function. I'm acting like him right now, and I get that rationally--I'm saying why all of my choices suck and I'm the ultimate victim. But sometimes I just wanna say "Wah! My choices all suck and I'm the ultimate victim! This pain will never end, and there's nothing I can do to change it!"
I should mention that I'm in AA and therapy. Haven't really gone to Al-Anon recently, but they're the same 12 steps as AA, which I have been working with a sponsor, and she knows all about my relationship with XAH and will sometimes tailor the steps to my codie addiction as well as my alcohol addiction. So if all of these healthy steps aren't helping, what's left?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You cannot rescue him. You have to stand back and let him fall. It isn't nice but there isn't a damn lot you can do for him. If he isn't capable (more likely isn't willing) of helping himself then no one is. This is a harsh truth I have learned by reading about alcoholism and co-dependancy, by reading the posts on this forum etc. Have you read Co-dependant No More? What does your therapist think about this?
I do think you're causing yourself more harm than good listening to his woes on the phone. It still sounds like he is manipulating you. It is never too late to change and it is his choice not to do a damn thing about it other than poison your happiness with his pity party. Read some of Laurie's posts. People can change even when their circumstances seem insurmountable (no offence Laurie). STBXAH used these tactics one me - 'I'm an alcoholic, its too hard for me to change, I will never be happy' etc etc. Time to turn the focus back on you and your new family. You aren't god. He's a big boy who needs to make his own decisions about his own life. Detach, detach, detach.
No contact would help you so much - you're already swamped with guilt (why??) will feeling guilty about this make much of a difference?
I do think you're causing yourself more harm than good listening to his woes on the phone. It still sounds like he is manipulating you. It is never too late to change and it is his choice not to do a damn thing about it other than poison your happiness with his pity party. Read some of Laurie's posts. People can change even when their circumstances seem insurmountable (no offence Laurie). STBXAH used these tactics one me - 'I'm an alcoholic, its too hard for me to change, I will never be happy' etc etc. Time to turn the focus back on you and your new family. You aren't god. He's a big boy who needs to make his own decisions about his own life. Detach, detach, detach.
No contact would help you so much - you're already swamped with guilt (why??) will feeling guilty about this make much of a difference?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Bookwyrm is so very right!
You cannot help him. You can only make yourself miserable. He caused this and he will have to solve it. He is sucking you into his chaos again. I have learned the hard way to stay away from people like this. They never change as long as I try to help them and listening to their mess is my sick way of trying to help. In the long run, it doesn't help either of us.
You cannot help him. You can only make yourself miserable. He caused this and he will have to solve it. He is sucking you into his chaos again. I have learned the hard way to stay away from people like this. They never change as long as I try to help them and listening to their mess is my sick way of trying to help. In the long run, it doesn't help either of us.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
MAMBO QUEEN
Here's my perspective. Hope something here helps. Change your thinking, change your life.
No, YOU have you tied up in knots. Untie yourself.
Do you want YOUR friends to PITY you? What is pity? Until you understand that this man is fully capable of handling his own life, you will continue to feel pity and be tied up in knots. It is rude to pity other people. Choose to honor this man for the fully capable man that he is.
No amount of YOUR hope, or other feelings for that matter, will affect anyone else's life. It is not your job to hope for anyone else's recovery. Neither is it your job to tell him what he should do. He is a GROWN man. What it will take to "fix" his life (as though his life needs fixing in the first place, which is questionable) is between HIM and HIS Higher Power. NOT you and him. What I tell myself when I start to think this way is, "Mind your own business."
Dread, guilt, incapable, hurt...This does not sound to me like a life well-lived. "Romantic" relationships are not about all this drama and angst. Romantic relationships are for having fun, shared healthiness, and respect for one another. Focus on these things with your current boyfriend and building something healthy for your beautiful little girl, and let this other man do for himself. You cannot give to, or be, another person's hope. That is the job of his Higher Power. Step back, step out, and allow his Higher Power to work. You are getting in his way.
He doesn't NEED to be fixed. And thinking that he is not capable of living his own life is rude. You are not in control here. You are not his Higher Power.
The longer you BELIEVE that the pain will never end, the longer you will be STUCK in pain. Change your mind.
Sweetheart, they ARE helping. You just don't see it because you have stuck in your mind what it SHOULD look like.
Ground yourself in the Present Moment. This is just life and you are just practicing. Develop an attitude of gratitude--be grateful EVERY day, in the small things, all the wonders around you. Thank your Higher Power every moment of every day, for what he HAS provided you. Let go of your thoughts that anything needs to be FIXED. Let go of your idea that it is your responsibility to "help" this man, that this man needs help, that you CAN help him. You can't. It is HIS Higher Power's job to help him--Let Go and Let God.
Your love for this man is a FEELING. OWN it, 100%. Your feelings are your responsibility. No one and no thing can give them to you or take them away. When you own them 100%, you allow others to own theirs too. The best thing you can do for someone you love, is to let them live and grow at their own pace, with the help of their Higher Power. Often, it is counter-intuitive and painful to watch someone sink but all you have to do is turn your head.
You're doing great. Keep going back. Sorry for the bluntness.
Here's my perspective. Hope something here helps. Change your thinking, change your life.
XAH has me tied up in knots a lot, still.
I still feel such pity for him, and I hate, just hate to hear him so worked up, upset, and hopeless.
I'm starting to lose hope that he'll EVER have a wake-up call big enough for him to change his life, and frankly, the more I hear him talk about how hopeless the situation is, the more I start to believe that myself, and the harder it is for me to tell him what he should do to "fix his life" or "find recovery" because I feel like someone so down in the dumps, so convinced of his own powerlessness, is never going to be able to pull off the massive sea change fixing his life would take.
I just have this existential dread, still, like maybe I helped contribute to what seems to be his rapid demise by leaving him, and then getting into a new relationship, therefore making me incapable of promising him that if he was in recovery, there would be hope for us in the future. I believe if I was still with him he would be handling this better because he would know that he could still depend on me to get him where he needed to go But in my heart, it hurts to feel that I could do something to help ease this troubling time for him but I'm doing nothing.
I no longer believe he is CAPABLE of fixing himself.
I go no contact? I honestly don't think I can do that right now. I feel like the guilt would eat at me so much that I wouldn't be able to function. I'm acting like him right now, and I get that rationally--I'm saying why all of my choices suck and I'm the ultimate victim. But sometimes I just wanna say "Wah! My choices all suck and I'm the ultimate victim! This pain will never end, and there's nothing I can do to change it!"
So if all of these healthy steps aren't helping, what's left?
Ground yourself in the Present Moment. This is just life and you are just practicing. Develop an attitude of gratitude--be grateful EVERY day, in the small things, all the wonders around you. Thank your Higher Power every moment of every day, for what he HAS provided you. Let go of your thoughts that anything needs to be FIXED. Let go of your idea that it is your responsibility to "help" this man, that this man needs help, that you CAN help him. You can't. It is HIS Higher Power's job to help him--Let Go and Let God.
Your love for this man is a FEELING. OWN it, 100%. Your feelings are your responsibility. No one and no thing can give them to you or take them away. When you own them 100%, you allow others to own theirs too. The best thing you can do for someone you love, is to let them live and grow at their own pace, with the help of their Higher Power. Often, it is counter-intuitive and painful to watch someone sink but all you have to do is turn your head.
You're doing great. Keep going back. Sorry for the bluntness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Bluntness very much appreciated. A response like yours is what I was hoping for when I wrote this....you're very wise and, as my therapist has been telling me, "You are free already, and I feel like you're getting close to hearing the right thing that will end up being the magic key that will allow you to really believe that." I think your post may go a long way towards helping me free myself, and for that, on this day of thanksgiving, I am very grateful. So thank you.
Thank you to everyone who responded, actually. I needed some words of encouragement this morning and I got them. So, thanks.
Thank you to everyone who responded, actually. I needed some words of encouragement this morning and I got them. So, thanks.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Something else I would suggest for you to do for you. After he says good night to daughter and she hands you the phone, say 'good night' and hang up the phone. If he calls back, DON'T ANSWER.
If his emails are all about him and not your daughter, then ........................... DON'T OPEN THE EMAILS put them in the 'trash' and empty the trash.
Sweetie, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM OR THE SITUATION THAT HE IS IN. He did this all by himself. I would suggest that you put the FOCUS on you and your DD and allow this ADULT to handle his own life.
MQ I have been throught this TWICE. Once while still practicing and once after recovery from my own addictions. Couldn't learn the first time, had to do it again, sheesh I was slow, rofl Yes, today I can laugh at myself. That comes from my intense work on me in AA and then starting at 3 years sober more intense work on ME in Al-Anon with an Al-anon sponsor that was also a "Double Winner." I had to take ALL the energy that I was expending on Kenn and use it on me in AA and Al-Anon.
Yes, I loved both my husbands, still do even though they are now both deceased. But I was no longer 'in love' with them. My first died (He was a retired from the Air Force as a Major) on a downtown L.A. street about 100 feet from where his brother had died 20 years earlier, they both died of chronic alcoholism. My second died in a hospital in Chandler Arizona of Valley Fever, he did have COPD, he was sober, gambled until the day he went into the hospital and even tried making bets from the hospital (he traded addictions).
If our 'love' could cure them, none of us would be here, but it can't. These are 'adults' we are talking about, albeit adults with a very 'warped' sense of reality but adults none the less. I had to and I have to take care of me. Without me, my kids and grandkids lose out. You have to 'take care of you.' It's that simple. Without you your DD has no one to take care of her, love her, teach her, and encourage her.
For me AA saved my life and Al-Anon taught me how to 'live' my life and 'live' the steps. I received a totally new perspective of the 12 steps in Al-Anon than the one I had from working them and then 'living' them in AA.
I M H O try some Al-Anon meetings and find an Al-Anon sponsor that is a 'double winner' both in AA and Al-Anon. It will help you so much. Maybe check with your AA sponser as she may know a few of those 'double winners' mine sure did, lol
Please don't be a stranger, come here to vent, to share with us what you are learning (we/I sure want to know) and .......................................... know that we are walking with in spirit!
Love and hugs,
If his emails are all about him and not your daughter, then ........................... DON'T OPEN THE EMAILS put them in the 'trash' and empty the trash.
Sweetie, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM OR THE SITUATION THAT HE IS IN. He did this all by himself. I would suggest that you put the FOCUS on you and your DD and allow this ADULT to handle his own life.
MQ I have been throught this TWICE. Once while still practicing and once after recovery from my own addictions. Couldn't learn the first time, had to do it again, sheesh I was slow, rofl Yes, today I can laugh at myself. That comes from my intense work on me in AA and then starting at 3 years sober more intense work on ME in Al-Anon with an Al-anon sponsor that was also a "Double Winner." I had to take ALL the energy that I was expending on Kenn and use it on me in AA and Al-Anon.
Yes, I loved both my husbands, still do even though they are now both deceased. But I was no longer 'in love' with them. My first died (He was a retired from the Air Force as a Major) on a downtown L.A. street about 100 feet from where his brother had died 20 years earlier, they both died of chronic alcoholism. My second died in a hospital in Chandler Arizona of Valley Fever, he did have COPD, he was sober, gambled until the day he went into the hospital and even tried making bets from the hospital (he traded addictions).
If our 'love' could cure them, none of us would be here, but it can't. These are 'adults' we are talking about, albeit adults with a very 'warped' sense of reality but adults none the less. I had to and I have to take care of me. Without me, my kids and grandkids lose out. You have to 'take care of you.' It's that simple. Without you your DD has no one to take care of her, love her, teach her, and encourage her.
For me AA saved my life and Al-Anon taught me how to 'live' my life and 'live' the steps. I received a totally new perspective of the 12 steps in Al-Anon than the one I had from working them and then 'living' them in AA.
I M H O try some Al-Anon meetings and find an Al-Anon sponsor that is a 'double winner' both in AA and Al-Anon. It will help you so much. Maybe check with your AA sponser as she may know a few of those 'double winners' mine sure did, lol
Please don't be a stranger, come here to vent, to share with us what you are learning (we/I sure want to know) and .......................................... know that we are walking with in spirit!
Love and hugs,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you Mambo for your thoughtful response. It is heartwarming to know that some small result of my decades of personal suffering can help someone in some small way.
Laurie,
Today I am grateful to my Higher Power that you are able to say this:
All my love to all my SR frenz.
L2L
Laurie,
Today I am grateful to my Higher Power that you are able to say this:
For me AA saved my life and Al-Anon taught me how to 'live' my life and 'live' the steps.
L2L
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
dear mambo,
do you think that if you don't lend him an ear then there is no-one else capable of doing so? or that he WON'T turn to someone else?
I'm betting you think it's the latter: he WON'T. Thing is, telling you his problems doesn't appear to be solving them, does it? and yet, he continues....I wonder why?
Do you think perhaps he craves attention, and you give it? like a child, he has learned that you won't break contact if he acts desperate, but "insightful" and yet....still drinks when he has the physical opportunity to do so, and has no respect for your boundaries.
I do understand this: I’m a sucker for the “insightful” stuff: tbxAH does it all the time, has done for years, doesn’t change a damn thing. I’m not suggesting it’s a conscious Machiavellian grand plan on his part, but it’s something he’s tried and found to provide him with sympathy and mental strokes and a positive response to his continuing to feel sorry for himself and NOT CHANGE, so on he continues.
And it’s hurting you.
It’s doing him no good and it’s hurting you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your daughter deserves to see that you don’t have to give until you hurt to be a worthwhile human being.
You deserve to live the freedom and joy that you have provided for yourself.
do you think that if you don't lend him an ear then there is no-one else capable of doing so? or that he WON'T turn to someone else?
I'm betting you think it's the latter: he WON'T. Thing is, telling you his problems doesn't appear to be solving them, does it? and yet, he continues....I wonder why?
Do you think perhaps he craves attention, and you give it? like a child, he has learned that you won't break contact if he acts desperate, but "insightful" and yet....still drinks when he has the physical opportunity to do so, and has no respect for your boundaries.
I do understand this: I’m a sucker for the “insightful” stuff: tbxAH does it all the time, has done for years, doesn’t change a damn thing. I’m not suggesting it’s a conscious Machiavellian grand plan on his part, but it’s something he’s tried and found to provide him with sympathy and mental strokes and a positive response to his continuing to feel sorry for himself and NOT CHANGE, so on he continues.
And it’s hurting you.
It’s doing him no good and it’s hurting you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your daughter deserves to see that you don’t have to give until you hurt to be a worthwhile human being.
You deserve to live the freedom and joy that you have provided for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
[QUOTE=JenT1968;2445082]dear mambo,
Do you think perhaps he craves attention, and you give it? like a child, he has learned that you won't break contact if he acts desperate, but "insightful" and yet....still drinks when he has the physical opportunity to do so, and has no respect for your boundaries.
Wow, JenT- that hit the nail on the head, atleast for me. Mine would act SO insightful about his problems. Acknowledge them, say he wanted to change..but never did of course. And had NO respect for me whatsoever.... though he put on a good act.
Sometimes I read what others write and i'm like
Do you think perhaps he craves attention, and you give it? like a child, he has learned that you won't break contact if he acts desperate, but "insightful" and yet....still drinks when he has the physical opportunity to do so, and has no respect for your boundaries.
Wow, JenT- that hit the nail on the head, atleast for me. Mine would act SO insightful about his problems. Acknowledge them, say he wanted to change..but never did of course. And had NO respect for me whatsoever.... though he put on a good act.
Sometimes I read what others write and i'm like
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
For real!
You know sometimes, i'm sure this is a codie moment, I second guess myself, and I think, well, maybe he wasn't an alcoholic, maybe I WAS THE ONE who read too much into it, had too many expectations.....
He SEEMS to do ok. He SEEMS to have a TON of friends, people just love him. So maybe he's not a drunk.....his ex's family seems to love him, so he can't be bad.....
then I think about how he treated ME, and no, there was a lot that was definitely not ok.
And then I read descriptions of relationships here, and i'm like, wow, that sounds JUST LIKE HIM too. It's incredible.
You know sometimes, i'm sure this is a codie moment, I second guess myself, and I think, well, maybe he wasn't an alcoholic, maybe I WAS THE ONE who read too much into it, had too many expectations.....
He SEEMS to do ok. He SEEMS to have a TON of friends, people just love him. So maybe he's not a drunk.....his ex's family seems to love him, so he can't be bad.....
then I think about how he treated ME, and no, there was a lot that was definitely not ok.
And then I read descriptions of relationships here, and i'm like, wow, that sounds JUST LIKE HIM too. It's incredible.
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